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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for child to go to a birthday party

139 replies

Ladybug85789 · 08/09/2023 13:55

One of my friends invited my child to a birthday party to soft play saying can not afford a party but invited us anyway. My child does not play with this child regularly as live in different towns is it unreasonable for the person to invite to expect me to bring a gift and to pay for the entrance to soft play. I do like my friend and I know money is tight for her at the minute, but it is for me aswell. The thing is because I could not afford to do a big party for my child they have cake at home and a few party games. I feel this is what she should have done instead of expecting others to pay. It's not really as much the cost as I'm sure we would all love our children to have friends parties in play areas which we don't pay for but unfortunately that is not the case and seems cheeky to ask.

OP posts:
AccountantMum · 11/09/2023 09:53

How were you invited - was it a party invitation or did she just ask if you would like to go to soft play for the birthday?

I wouldn't fall out with a friend over this - I would prefer a friend was able to let me know they couldn't afford to do anything and give this option as it means their child doesn't miss out and your child gets to celebrate with their friend.

Have you been to her house before? it is possible she there is a reason she doesn't want people over her house and it may cost more money for her to get her house in a state she feels comfortable having friends over.

If you would normally spend around £10 on a present you could have paid entrance and only given a small token gift / sweet around £1 or £2- and if you are not happy to pay you are free to decline or suggest going somewhere you don't need to ay such as park ect.

Blondebrunette1 · 11/09/2023 09:55

I'd be fine with paying for my child to go to soft play and meeting with friends. You don't have to get a gift if you don't want to, they certainly won't expect it but that'd be a nice gesture. If you can't afford it your friend will no doubt understand xx

dimorphism · 11/09/2023 09:55

I think the issue here is it's badged as a 'birthday party' so the birthday child will presumably expect presents (and it places an onus on the other parents to do this so as not to disappoint the birthday child) - which is a bit much to expect if the other parents are paying for their children to attend. It means for everyone that goes, it costs double what a birthday party would normally. I wouldn't go in this situation. It adds up and isn't really fair on the other parents.

If it's just a playdate that's fine, but it sounds like it's not. I do think that's a bit cheeky.

If money is tight at this time of year a birthday 'party' /get together in a playground is cheap and free and this is what many people I know have done.

Nanaof1 · 11/09/2023 09:57

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 06:19

It’s cheeky to expect presents for a playdate though.

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I think it's cheeky to call it a birthday party and not just let it be a soft play date that happens to fall on the kid's birthday. Is it so she can tell (brag to) others, "We had Timmy's birthday at Bump and Jump and everyone had so much fun!" Leaving out that everyone paid for their own admittance and perhaps even food and drink?

Keep it real and have the party you can afford to throw for your child. I am sure there are plenty of parks and playgrounds that are free and can handle it if having a party at the house is too taxing.

BrawnWild · 11/09/2023 10:00

It would raise my eyebrows but if I could afford it and thought my child would have fun then I'd just go and pay like any other playdate. Try viewing it as meeting them at the venue to play and bringing a present at the same time.

The kids will have fun, that's the main thing.

Nanaof1 · 11/09/2023 10:04

Willmafrockfit · 11/09/2023 07:53

a friend of mine had an engagement party that you had to pay to go to

you went, you paid, you gave presents, NOW you are moaning.
maybe she has the right idea

That sounds like pure greediness to me.

Luckyduc · 11/09/2023 10:34

Sounds to me that she hasn't booked an official softplay party package with the venue but invited some people to to same location as its her child's birthday so her child has a nice day playing eith her friends there.....not cheeky as you can just decline, most parents pay for thier child to go to softplay every week because its cheap so I can see where she is coming from.

Imisssleep2 · 11/09/2023 10:41

Just say your already busy that day and don't go, I would think it was a cheek too tbh, like you say if you can't afford it, do something cheaper

NameChange547 · 11/09/2023 10:54

Was it presented as a party or a play date to celebrate the child’s birthday?

If you were sent a written invitation and saying come to my birthday party and a whole load of children are invited then it is a little strange to ask you to pay.

If the mum casually suggested a few of you meet up at soft play to celebrate her child’s birthday then I think it’s a really normal thing to do and I wouldn’t expect her to pay. In fact this summer a friend asked me to join her on a day out on her child’s birthday and I didn’t think twice about paying for my own kids. It wasn’t a party just a play date that celebrated a birthday. I did take a card and small gift but I didn’t feel any obligation to.

Just pick up a cheap book and a card if you feel like you must take a gift, but I don’t think you have to.

Goldbar · 11/09/2023 10:58

Snugglemonkey · 11/09/2023 09:49

I think this is a horrible snide thread. The woman is doing her best for her child. It is not something to get all morally superior over.

This. For all those saying she should do something cheaper, maybe her child wants soft play for their birthday.

There are lots of people who are really struggling atm and who are trying to hold it together for their children and make sure they don't miss out on stuff and instead get the usual childhood experiences.

If you can afford to go and your child would enjoy it, go. If you can afford to give a present on top, do it because it is for the child, not the parents and the child will appreciate it, especially if there aren't that many treats at home atm. If you can't afford to go, gracefully decline.

The child whose parents can pay for the £30 per kid package at the local farm park for the entire class is unlikely to be more appreciative of any gift you give than the child whose parents have to cobble together a birthday in a park/playground or (as in this case) with a few friends at soft play.

Koalasparkles · 11/09/2023 11:00

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 06:19

It’s cheeky to expect presents for a playdate though.

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Who says she expected gifts? It was an invite to soft play

Koalasparkles · 11/09/2023 11:03

Gosh, this is so small fry and judgemental. If you don't like the idea then don't go. But then also don't be surprised if she is a little disappointed that you can't spend a fiver for softplay for their kids birthday and might reciprocate with any invites you might extend - ie. Not see your child as worthy of spending her time, thoughts and money on. There's no right or wrong here, just whether you care.

Flakey99 · 11/09/2023 11:06

The problem here is that you have very strong opinions on the correct way to host a birthday party and you’re not willing to accept that other options are perfectly acceptable too.

You don’t get to decide that you’re right and your friend is wrong. If you don’t want to accept her invitation, refuse politely and don’t attend.

Are you always this rigid with your thinking? Maybe consider how that might impact your DC growing up?

LoveBluey · 11/09/2023 11:16

As others have said depends on how the invitation is presented.
Meeting up at soft play to celebrate a birthday with them is fine. Just like I might say to my adult friends do you fancy joining me for a drink in the pub to celebrate my birthday. - I wouldn't expect presents and I wouldn't expect to pay for them.
I would have just got a card and token gift and gone along if I was available.

Littlemisslaughalot · 11/09/2023 11:27

Absolutely 100% this. The things people get worked up over baffles me and the need to comment and judge on other people's choices. Get over, either go or dont. Stop wasting your energy stressing over it!!!

HMW1906 · 11/09/2023 11:46

If you don’t want to pay for your child to go to soft play then just say no.

I don’t really understand the drama! I’ve never been in this situation but I see it as though I’m just paying for my child to go to soft play which I do regularly anyway, it just happens to be a child’s birthday whilst you’re there this time.

ididntwanttodoit · 11/09/2023 12:33

It does sound as if she has arranged a birthday playdate rather than a party, because, as she has said, she can't afford one. It's not up to you to decide that she could have a party at home instead, just because that's what you would prefer! Either pay up and join in the fun, or decline to meet up and shut up about it.

Phos · 11/09/2023 12:39

Is this really that much different from a bunch of people meeting up for drinks or dinner for someone's birthday and splitting the bill? I'd still take a present in that situation.

LoveBluey · 11/09/2023 12:51

All of the people saying just do a party at home are missing the point that perhaps someone who can't afford a party at a venue may not have a house that is big enough to host a party - particularly if all the parents stay. That's why I've always hired a venue as I don't have space nor do I want to have that many people in my house.
My daughter loves a traditional at home party and is begging me for one. I may do it now she is 7 but make it very clear it's drop and run as I don't want 10 kids plus 10 parents and invariably a sibling or two.
That all adds to the cost as well as you need to cater at least drinks for all the adults.

Fallingthroughclouds · 11/09/2023 13:22

It wouldn't bother me. It would just reassure me that I wasn't the only skint one. I would definitely go for the sake of my child and the birthday boy.

TheChosenTwo · 11/09/2023 13:25

Cyllie33 · 08/09/2023 14:33

Live and let live OP. She’s been clear and upfront and invited you to join them - if you don’t want to pay and go then don’t, but I couldn’t get myself worked up into a moral panic about it and accuse her of having no ‘pride and respect.’

Oh god exactly the same as this!
Go, don’t go, whatever. I’d think of her kid and take mine personally. There are reasons people don’t plan home parties, and the weather isn’t exactly dependable in September or any other time of the year to be honest.
Pride wouldn’t get in my way of wanting my dc to have a nice birthday celebration. It would stop me from many things but not this.

MrsMigginscoffee · 11/09/2023 13:40

If you'd go to the play centre anyway on a play date then go. Equally if you'd buy this child a gift regardless if they had a party if not then get one. Sorted.

SP85 · 11/09/2023 14:43

I would imagine if she can't afford a party at the soft play, she wouldn't be able to afford to do a party at home either. The cost of decorations, party games and prizes, party bags and then food and drinks that will probably mostly be wasted plus a cake big enough for everyone costs a lot more than you'd expect. I think she's made it clear she can't afford to pay for everyone and she is giving you the option of meeting them at the soft play or not. If she isn't a close friend, then just decline. If she's a person you would choose to meet up with at the soft play on another (non-birthday) day then accept.

Outnumberedbywillies · 11/09/2023 16:17

Would you usually meet up at a soft play for a playdate at any other time? I regularly meet friends at soft play and if it so happened to be one of their kids birthdays or close to a birthday then I would bring a present along as I would want to get them a gift. I wouldn't be thinking that the parent of the child should be paying for our entry if she had made it clear it wasn't for a party and was just a social meet up. Maybe she doesn't have space in her house to host or there's some other reason. I certainly wouldn't be having a gathering at my house as it doesn't suit our circumstances so maybe this is the case for your friend too.

JLM1981 · 11/09/2023 16:21

I can see why you feel this way. If I was the parent I would invite 2 of the child's friends and pay the 3 in as this would be a budget compromise if I couldn't afford a party. Perhaps that's not affordable either?

I would go and just take a very small minding such as a bag of nice sweets or colouring/sticker book since you will no doubt be shelling out the best part of £10 already.