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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paying for child to go to a birthday party

139 replies

Ladybug85789 · 08/09/2023 13:55

One of my friends invited my child to a birthday party to soft play saying can not afford a party but invited us anyway. My child does not play with this child regularly as live in different towns is it unreasonable for the person to invite to expect me to bring a gift and to pay for the entrance to soft play. I do like my friend and I know money is tight for her at the minute, but it is for me aswell. The thing is because I could not afford to do a big party for my child they have cake at home and a few party games. I feel this is what she should have done instead of expecting others to pay. It's not really as much the cost as I'm sure we would all love our children to have friends parties in play areas which we don't pay for but unfortunately that is not the case and seems cheeky to ask.

OP posts:
RosieRainbow1986 · 11/09/2023 16:35

This sounds more like a play date for the child's birthday rather than a party. If you can afford and you think your child would enjoy it, then I'd go if I were you, especially as you are friends with the mum. It wouldn't bother me at all if my friend suggested this!

HauntedPencil · 11/09/2023 18:31

Organising a birthday play date - I would expect to pay my own admittance. I would take a smaller gift perhaps?

A formal party, I would expect to be paid for with food and a cake.

It's like meeting an adult for a birthday night out as opposed to them hiring somewhere with a buffet I suppose.

Vandhana1986 · 11/09/2023 18:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LucifersPain · 11/09/2023 18:45

If you pay to go into the playdate you shouldn’t be expected to bring a gift imho. Surely the gift is the reciprocal thank-you for the paid party invite?

Doingmybest12 · 11/09/2023 19:09

No the gift is not a reciricol thank you for the party. Its to say happy birthday to someone regardless of what you recieve .

shivawn · 11/09/2023 19:22

I wouldn't be bothered about this at all. You can go or not go it's up to you, she hasn't misled you in anyway.

My son really loves soft play and we go regularly anyway so I wouldn't mind paying the entrance fee for him to have a fun day.

Oblomov23 · 11/09/2023 19:25

Decline, very cheeky

Goldbar · 11/09/2023 19:54

LucifersPain · 11/09/2023 18:45

If you pay to go into the playdate you shouldn’t be expected to bring a gift imho. Surely the gift is the reciprocal thank-you for the paid party invite?

The gift is for the child, not the parent.

I don't understand why you'd bring a child a smaller gift, or no gift at all, based on what their parent spent/could afford to spend on their party.

Surely the proper approach is that the size of the gift depends on your child's relationship with the birthday child? Best friend or play together the whole time in the playground? Fairly substantial gift. Random classmate and you're only invited as it's a whole class party? A token is sufficient, especially if child will already be receiving 28 other gifts.

CM1897 · 11/09/2023 22:03

Ladybug85789 · 08/09/2023 14:05

I can afford it but it is not just about the cost it just feels like what is wrong with cake at home and some sandwiches for a few children instead of expecting people to pay for your child's birthday. Like why are parties for children such a big show nowadays. I also could not afford soft play for my child party so he had to go without and settle for a small home party.

She’s invited your child for an afternoon out, you just have to pay the entry fee. Me and my friends pay for our own children when we go out for the day etc. it’s no different to that.

Maybe she doesn’t want people in her home, maybe she doesn’t just want cake at home. Maybe her child specifically asked for soft play? I’m sure she’s trying her best, especially during a high rise in the cost of living. Just be supportive and kind.

Otherwise just say no thank you and forget it

CM1897 · 11/09/2023 22:06

Cyllie33 · 08/09/2023 14:33

Live and let live OP. She’s been clear and upfront and invited you to join them - if you don’t want to pay and go then don’t, but I couldn’t get myself worked up into a moral panic about it and accuse her of having no ‘pride and respect.’

Perfectly put, some people have a huge sense of entitlement and superiority. It’s cringey

Daffodilwoman · 12/09/2023 18:01

I’m on the fence.
I always paid for everyone to attend my dc’s party. However, I think if you want to go then pay. If you want to take a small gift and card then do so. If I couldn’t stretch to a gift I would just give the child a card.

Lollipop81 · 12/09/2023 18:10

If you haven’t got the money decline and tell her why. If she is short on money too then she will fully understand.

Royaly82 · 12/09/2023 18:56

I really don't get the issue? It's not actually a 'party' you are having to pay for is it? It's people (friends-although you dont seem a very nice one tbh) getting together on a child's birthday to celebrate somewhere all the children will enjoy? You don't have to go and if you do you don't HAVE to take a gift....although that would seen mean

Icantrememberit · 12/09/2023 19:21

Same thing happened to my at the beginning of the year. Exactly the same thing. I went, I paid for my children to go to the party they had a good time and so did the birthday girl. I saw it as my children will have a fun day and birthday girl will and did too. I was skint, but I saw the enjoyment they all had. So no yanbu, but I’m sure they’ll have a good day. Bring some sandwiches, a couple of cupcakes and bottle drinks too to keep cost low.

Ilovecleaning · 12/09/2023 19:31

Just suck it up and go. Life is too short. Don’t stress about it. 🌺

Blueblell · 12/09/2023 20:01

It’s not a party - a play date with a child whose birthday it is. Your child will enjoy it too. I think you are making a bit of a fuss.

Mothership4two · 13/09/2023 02:20

It is certainly not the norm around here (Southern England). Personally, I would have treated it as a play date and either not taken a present, just a card, or a small present/cash depending on how much the entrance fee was.

VeganStar · 13/09/2023 10:11

We had my DD’s first birthday party at home and I said never again
Unruly kids and the mess to deal with made up my mind once and for all.
Thereafter we always held her parties at one of the four soft play areas near us.
Never asked anyone to pay though.I would have felt really cheeky asking.

I’ve never heard of it before. I always thought that if people are hiring the soft play area that they pay for everyone. That’s how it’s done where I live.

I wonder if it’s a new thing that people do now because of the cost of living crisis.

If you don’t agree with it then don’t go.

Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 13/09/2023 11:49

Over 20 children all bringing gifts party bags given out does this still constitute a play date or is it a birthday party?

OP posts:
Milliemoo6 · 13/09/2023 11:56

Why does it matter?! If your child wants to go and you can afford it then go! If you want to give the birthday child a gift and can afford it then get one! If not, then don't! I don't understand why you're getting so hung up on what your friend is doing and how much its costing, its not your business! Just move on already.

CM1897 · 13/09/2023 12:07

Ladybug85789 · 13/09/2023 11:49

Over 20 children all bringing gifts party bags given out does this still constitute a play date or is it a birthday party?

Why do you care? It’s the way this mum wants to do it. You either choose to go, or you decline. It’s not your place to say whether it’s right or wrong

WhatNoRaisins · 13/09/2023 12:20

I'd consider it a playdate. A party is by definition something where someone hosts guests.

If you're happy to participate then you don't need to get so hung up about it.

Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 13/09/2023 12:40

To all the people saying get over it or I'm hung up on it I would say it's my post if you don't like what I asked why reply. I am fully over it but I do have a difference of opinion. I live in the south and soft play for a child and adult costs £16 also when buying additional food and drink another £8 if only buying for the child which most people did. I never said I was forced to go and I do understand that people can throw a party or play date however they want, in my opinion it was a cheeky way as invites were handed out and by the looks of other confused guests that were waiting at the front and then being told they need to pay to come in. I know there are a million more important things in the world people are dying, diseases homelessness, poverty. This is a very privileged post living in a first world country I understand that also but if you are on mumsnet is this not what people do rant on about ridiculous things that may have annoyed them. My post was aibu which the majority think I am which is fair enough point noted.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 13/09/2023 12:46

I'd be pretty pissed off if they weren't honest about having to pay at the door when they gave out invitations. They probably knew that a lot of parents wouldn't want to disappoint their child at the last minute and that the child might want to give them a present that had been bought.

JLM1981 · 13/09/2023 12:52

I would feel the same OP if it wasn't explained before hand that's quite frankly embarrassing and awkward x