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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 08/09/2023 17:29

Was DD14 your first child? His resentment of her is a well worn path if so. These abusive man babies can't stand it when the focus moves away from them to children. They resent having to grow up.

Your life will be so much more peaceful and your DD14 will love you for sticking up for her.

You can rest assured you are sending the right message to all your DC that abuse is not to be put up with.

Redebs · 08/09/2023 17:32

Put your children first.

Get him gone.

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/09/2023 17:34

topnoddy · 08/09/2023 15:22

But you knew he doesn't like her using the bike and still let her !

Over reaction but i'd be pissed off if someone borrowed something of mine like that

I don't really understand this way of thinking at all.

DH and I have both got bikes gathering dust in the shed. Occasionally, DS(15) and DD(14) will grab a bike out and use it if they're in a hurry or can't be bothered to walk (we also live rurally).
Nobody asks permission, nor would they be expected to. They're considered free to use for anyone who needs to.

I can't imagine being pissed off about it.

Wowokthanks · 08/09/2023 17:35

Your poor DD, that must have been horrible for her.
TBH, I think it is for the best you've told him you want him out. How dare he?
Please also take this time to explain to DD that she is absolutely not the problem here. Many children feel that the breakdown of their family is down to them, and she may feel especially this way, given this was the straw that broke the camels back.

Iwasafool · 08/09/2023 17:40

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/09/2023 17:34

I don't really understand this way of thinking at all.

DH and I have both got bikes gathering dust in the shed. Occasionally, DS(15) and DD(14) will grab a bike out and use it if they're in a hurry or can't be bothered to walk (we also live rurally).
Nobody asks permission, nor would they be expected to. They're considered free to use for anyone who needs to.

I can't imagine being pissed off about it.

Show quote history

We are all different, he doesn't want anyone using his bike and it is his bike. He doesn't sound like a big loss and the OP has made a good decision but he's still entitled to not want people using his bike. It's totally different in your family which is fine but families don't always have the same rules.

Bumblebee2022 · 08/09/2023 17:50

fedupnow2 · 08/09/2023 13:55

Oh give over. No normal parent would remotely blink an eye and be glad the child sorted her transportation out. An abusive parent on the other hand behaves like the husband.

Show quote history

I completely agree! He very rarely uses the bike, I’m surprised it even had air in the tyres if he uses it so infrequently. It’s hardly like the bike is his pride and joy and he is using it every weekend for his super important cycling hobby. I can’t imagine dh getting this wound up over one of our dc borrowing anything, especially if I’d ok’d it (for him to be annoyed with you for saying yes, but not to this extent might be more understandable).

a rarely used bike is not that precious and he is abusive and acting really inappropriately.

really important that you model to your dc how loving family relationships should work and do something to change their living situation.

Dramatic · 08/09/2023 17:52

Iwasafool · 08/09/2023 16:28

I don't think anyone thinks his behaviour is OK but that doesn't mean we have to agree with her that lending things to other people when they don't belong to you is OK, even more so when you know the other person doesn't want to let people borrow them.

Just because his behaviour was unacceptable we don't have to pretend that the OP was in the right.

Edited
Show quote history

I think someone who won't lend their 10 year old bike that they don't use to their teenage child is a selfish arsehole.

Zonder · 08/09/2023 17:55

Plus it isn't like a random stranger borrowing it. They're family!

Findyourneutralspace · 08/09/2023 18:00

And the options were:

  1. give her a lift - but then he’d have to stay sober

  2. lend her the bike

  3. not let her go out - for no apparent reason

She needs her own bike, but he’s still massively unreasonable

LakieLady · 08/09/2023 18:02

So glad you've decided to end it, OP.

I really hope that all goes smoothly from here on.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 08/09/2023 18:04

Please take your poor children, and yourself, away from this abusive pig. It is horrendous being a kid having to tiptoe around an alcoholic and it stays with you forever. This is not ok. Do whatever you can and leave as quickly as you can. I feel so sad for your daughter. It was horrible just to read it.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/09/2023 18:24

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 15:05

The way I see it, the problem is two-fold. You didn't have the right to tell DD to take DH's bike. Especially since you knew he didn't want her using it. It doesn't matter if she 'brings it home fine' or 'he never uses it', the fact is that it is HIS. If he wanted to lock it up in the basement and never use it, that is his privilege. The other issue is his reaction to it. The first problem is a '4', his reaction to it is a '10'.

Wrong. The bike isn't at all the problem, it's a red herring. The only problem is an abusive, alcoholic man terrorising his family and any excuses for that are unacceptable.

And I thought us autistic types were black and white thinkers...

Edited

Did you even finish reading my post?

BUT, the bigger issue is his reaction and his drinking. He's a bad tempered man with a drink problem. And for that reason, you need to leave.

Sallyh87 · 08/09/2023 18:28

Oh @AdviceNeededForMe, you need to leave. I am not usually part of the LTB mumsnet brigade but seriously this sounds bad. I hope you can get some help x

N27 · 08/09/2023 18:30

Get him out of your house asap and look forward to the future years of blissful harmony you will feel being able to live freely in your home with absolutely no egg shells to tread on.

people like this just radiate a horrible vibe when they’re in one of these moods and it is awful to be around.

yes he has the right to be annoyed, but the way he deals with that annoyance is absolutely not on. Discuss it, share why you’re annoyed, agree rules for future use then move on. That’s all he had to do 🤷‍♀️

Zanatdy · 08/09/2023 18:32

Complete over reaction. It’s her dads bike not a stranger taking it and unless it’s some 5k bike not on. I couldn’t live with someone like that again, that kind of behaviour puts people on edge. Either way you gave permission so not sure why DD suffered. Can she not have her own bike to prevent this man child kicking off at his family like this?

Dagnabit · 08/09/2023 18:39

I don’t think yabu but if you know it winds him up, don’t let her use it. Why can’t you buy her a bike if you’re rural?

Your dh sounds like an absolute, abusive knob though. Your poor DD. I have a 14yo dd and would not put up with that behaviour from her dad but luckily he’s a normal person.

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 18:50

Did you even finish reading my post?

Yes, and the part at the end was all you needed to say rather than qualify it with a bunch of victim blaming.

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 18:52

Why can’t you buy her a bike if you’re rural?

They're probably short of money if he spends all his on booze Sad

Harridge74 · 08/09/2023 18:52

Domestic abuse.
Get out of there.

Ketzele · 08/09/2023 19:10

Good luck OP.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 19:11

Oh wow do you think it is domestic abuse? Sorry if i sound shocked, i never saw it as that. Just saw him as being an arse but perhaps im just so used to the situation. I think of DV as physical violence

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 19:12

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 18:52

Why can’t you buy her a bike if you’re rural?

They're probably short of money if he spends all his on booze Sad

He does. I ask him to buy things for the family and he claims poverty

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 19:13

Btw the bike in question is not one of those road bikes, its a regular bike and probably was worth a bit bought brand new, H bought it second hand. Its still nice and DD looks after it on the odd time she borrows it

OP posts:
menopausalbloat · 08/09/2023 19:16

Sometimes people don't realise how abusive a relationship is. I liken it to being slowly simmered to death.

whynotwhatknot · 08/09/2023 19:18

no op dv is more than physical violence

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