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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Evaka · 08/09/2023 19:18

It is domestic abuse OP. I'm sorry you're shocked but glad you posted here and are getting some support.

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 19:24

@AdviceNeededForMe it definitely doesn't need to be physical. I won't go into detail as it isn't my story to tell but a relative had to flee to a refuge after years of psychological terrorism and he never actually laid a finger on her.

Sparkletastic · 08/09/2023 19:34

Well done in telling him he needs to leave OP. You are doing the right thing for your children and yourself. Flowers

Glitterybee · 08/09/2023 19:38

Reading this gave me palpitations…

I grew up with a mum who would storm about the house when angry with me, swearing and banging things.

I was adamant when I became a mum that my children would never have to experience an atmosphere like that. Based on this, I would honestly leave if my husband behaved like that.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 08/09/2023 20:12

Yes @AdviceNeededForMe it is domestic abuse. Theres no way a child should be treated like this. One short uncommon burst of yelling is one thing, but he kept going on and was drinking and breaking things. It's scary to have a grown man do that when you're that age, really scary. Do you want her growing up and never feeling safe in her own home? Even when she is perfectly safe? Because thats what that kind of behaviour does. No child should feel scared or be repeatedly yelled at by their drunken father in their own home.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 20:55

thanks for all your responses and advice. Its given me lots to think about

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 08/09/2023 21:53

Iwasafool · 08/09/2023 17:40

We are all different, he doesn't want anyone using his bike and it is his bike. He doesn't sound like a big loss and the OP has made a good decision but he's still entitled to not want people using his bike. It's totally different in your family which is fine but families don't always have the same rules.

Show quote history

But this makes the H sound like a small child.
"I don't want to use my bike but no-one else can"

It's his own daughter. She only wanted to get on a bike to go and see her friends.
There's no need for him to be so territorial about a bike that he doesn't bother with, and wasn't using anyway.

I'm generally just glad that my kids will grab a bike and go out and meet their friends for the day.
When they were younger teens, I wanted to encourage them to switch their screens off and get out in the fresh air.
I wouldn't be banning them from taking a bike out the shed in order to do so.

3luckystars · 08/09/2023 22:12

Yes it must be awful having to live with that, but at least you have a choice, your children don’t.

FetchezLaVache · 08/09/2023 23:15

The atmosphere in the house while he is away this weekend and how you and the kids feel without him there will tell you everything you need to know, OP.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 23:23

FetchezLaVache · 08/09/2023 23:15

The atmosphere in the house while he is away this weekend and how you and the kids feel without him there will tell you everything you need to know, OP.

Already its great! Relaxed, chilled. I want it like this always. I also feel my house will be more manageable and clean.

OP posts:
Wheresmemum · 09/09/2023 02:24

You're not being unreasonable. I'm wondering whether he's angry about other things in life, past and present, as well as about the bike, and projecting it all into all of you. You've all had to deal with his anger, temper and mood. He needs to sort it out that's unacceptable behaviour. Yes teenagers can be annoying as most parents, me included, are well aware of, but that's no excuse for such aggressive behaviour!

Wheresmemum · 09/09/2023 02:27

Does he react like this to other things/situations too?

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 09/09/2023 02:36

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 13:33

You backed up dd taking something that wasn't hers?

Wow

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 09/09/2023 02:40

OP in no world would my DH give a shit about his daughter borrowing a bike. He sounds like an abusive arsehole.

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 04:08

There’s a lot to unpick here, but even if your DH wasn’t an abusive arsehole, if you know someone doesn’t want an item of theirs being leant out then it doesn’t matter if you “don’t see the issue” and she “always takes care of it”.

It’s not your place to loan out other peoples items because you want your kid to stop badgering you and instead of dealing with the tantrum from saying no you go for what you think is the easy route (and btw, she knows you give in, that’s why she continued to badger you).

But that’s just addressing the situation as is, very basic, without the fact he’s an abusive arsehole.

DreamTheMoors · 09/09/2023 04:30

This was my dad, @AdviceNeededForMe- he drank my entire childhood. But instead of ever blowing up, he’d just sit quietly and drink. And drink. And drink. And…
But I remember the verbal abuse he made my mother suffer - he thought I was too little to understand or to remember. It’s seared in my memory to this day.
And instead of leaving him or standing up for herself, my mum just took it. It made me lose respect for her If I’m honest.
When my dad turned 60, he stopped drinking and his 3-pack-a-day habit. He just stopped. Sadly, all my memories were still there.
When he was in his 70s he killed himself.

You might think your kids are unscathed, but they aren’t. They’ll remember all of this, and they’ll respect you far more for getting them and yourself out of this awful situation than if you keep letting it happen.

Love from a child whose mum kept letting it happen. ❤️

Weatherwax13 · 09/09/2023 04:34

It doesn't matter what your DD did. Even if it had been something major, nothing warrants her father getting pissed and aggressive like this. He's an abusive prick OP.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 09/09/2023 06:00

My dad was an abusive angry violent alcoholic. It's left me so damaged with so much unresolved trauma, I can't even explain. I still think now, why did my mum put up with this? Why didn't she do something sooner? Your have the chance to do something. Do it.

Fucking man child being a prick about a bike he doesn't use.

LightSpeeds · 09/09/2023 06:01

Please protect your children from this abuse.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 09/09/2023 07:59

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 04:08

There’s a lot to unpick here, but even if your DH wasn’t an abusive arsehole, if you know someone doesn’t want an item of theirs being leant out then it doesn’t matter if you “don’t see the issue” and she “always takes care of it”.

It’s not your place to loan out other peoples items because you want your kid to stop badgering you and instead of dealing with the tantrum from saying no you go for what you think is the easy route (and btw, she knows you give in, that’s why she continued to badger you).

But that’s just addressing the situation as is, very basic, without the fact he’s an abusive arsehole.

My teen really wanted me to drop her off. It was 30°c outside, she really didn’t want to cycle. I said no I couldn’t leave my desk. so she said she could borrow dads bike? I thought it was the best solution in that moment. Like someone else said, its better she is out playing vs on her playstation?

i was thinking about this last night. I just want his stuff gone, my house key back, a deep clean on the house with freshly made beds. Life will be good.

OP posts:
Zonder · 09/09/2023 08:13

Do you have a plan for getting him to move out, @AdviceNeededForMe ?

I just can't imagine what kind of father carries on like this when his own daughter needed a bike and he has one he never uses.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 09/09/2023 08:29

My plan is, im going to carry on my “your out by next weekend” stance 24/7. Im sure he could move back in with parents/he has a sibling who lives alone/mates. Its like he needs a shock for him to see im serious and hes lost it all. Its not going to be easy i know

its my name on the rental tenancy. Ill take back my keys to the house

if all else fails, ill get my bro to help me. I dont really want to do that because ive never confided in anyone bar one friend about this. When i told that friend (who has known us both a long time/she doesn’t have kids of her own), they just shrugged and said he drinks no more than anyone else and that was it 😞

Then im planning to stay single for a very long long time 😤

OP posts:
Iwantcakeeveryday · 09/09/2023 08:35

AdviceNeededForMe · 09/09/2023 08:29

My plan is, im going to carry on my “your out by next weekend” stance 24/7. Im sure he could move back in with parents/he has a sibling who lives alone/mates. Its like he needs a shock for him to see im serious and hes lost it all. Its not going to be easy i know

its my name on the rental tenancy. Ill take back my keys to the house

if all else fails, ill get my bro to help me. I dont really want to do that because ive never confided in anyone bar one friend about this. When i told that friend (who has known us both a long time/she doesn’t have kids of her own), they just shrugged and said he drinks no more than anyone else and that was it 😞

Then im planning to stay single for a very long long time 😤

I am glad to see this update, even though I know it will be hard for you during the process. Sharing this here is a brave thing to do, and you're doing the right thing for all of you. Don't forget to talk to your daughter about what happened, reassure her that its not her fault and she doesn't deserve to be treated like that or to feel afraid. How is she doing? I hope she is ok today.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/09/2023 12:00

Forget the friend. Def tell your brother.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 09/09/2023 12:06

Well done OP. Make sure he takes his precious bike too (wouldn’t want his children touching his stuff eh?)

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