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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
PlipPlopChoo · 10/09/2023 00:29

I see several different issues here.

I do not think that it was appropriate for you to tell your daughter it was okay to take your husbands bike when he had clearly said no. However your husband need to buy your daughter her own bike if she is not allowed his.

Him sulking, drinking and generally being an arsehole was not acceptable and he needs to cut that out.

In the interest of balance I will raise a final point. Do you often overrule what he says? Maybe that is what he was pissed off about.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 10/09/2023 01:02

In the interest of balance I will raise a final point. Do you often overrule what he says? Maybe that is what he was pissed off about.

yes if hes being an arse about something. Dont sweat the small stuff and all that, he loves to cause a massive uproar and keep raking over issues. As im default parent, i parent like hes not there and make decisions i see fit. He is there of course but hidden away with his beers. We see him but only enroute to the fridge

OP posts:
TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 10/09/2023 06:21

AdviceNeededForMe · 09/09/2023 18:16

He came back from his lads weekend. One of them fell ill and H is quite sunburnt so he came back.

since being back hes moped around the house. Not given any help with kids. No housework. He Stinks of stale beer 🤮 Even my younger kids said he stinks. i sat with him and asked if he received my text. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said no. I said look i just want a peaceful life, he said he does too 🤦🏻‍♀️ i had to pop shop but in that time a box of beer has appeared and hes a few in now….. 🫤

honestly, i don’t believe he will ever stop drinking like he does

Edited

I regularly came downstairs to my biological father pissed, unconscious and surrounded by spilt beer. The smell of stale beer is really upsetting still and transports me back to that. I'm in my 40s and if I smell the particular beer he drank, it sends me into a full meltdown. It's not allowed into our house. Do something.

Coffeetree · 10/09/2023 06:41

AdviceNeededForMe · 09/09/2023 22:22

Im trying! When hes sober tomorrow morning (because he will start drinking around 3pm), im going to just reiterate what ive said, try to get him to sit down with me to make sure he “gets it”. He wont sweet talk me. I keep thinking about the words you have all used “abusive” “domestic violence” they are also helping to spur me on

You know that won't change anything.

Your kids are meanwhile stuck in a home with an irrational violent alcoholic. There'll always be some pretext for it, bike or no bike. Your kids are going to remember your failure to protect them.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 10/09/2023 07:02

Coffeetree · 10/09/2023 06:41

You know that won't change anything.

Your kids are meanwhile stuck in a home with an irrational violent alcoholic. There'll always be some pretext for it, bike or no bike. Your kids are going to remember your failure to protect them.

Show quote history

Dont worry, hes leaving. Ive had enough know

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 10/09/2023 07:06

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:36

Well she wanted to go out with friends. We live remotely and i was wfh but couldn’t give a lift as i was working to 5. I said it was fine. I dont see the issue. She’s responsible. H has probably used it probably 5 times in the past 10 years.

It is not your bike, sure he sounds like a twat but no I would not allow my child permission to use someone else's property and would expect thr same in return

Yeah but does not work, separate to his behaviour though

JustAnotherUsey · 10/09/2023 07:21

Good that you have decided to leave him. Don't back down on this. It's definitely domestic abuse. Also, your kids are probably feeling it too. Maybe anxious about what he's doing and when will he next be in a bad mood. Not great environment for the kids to live in. Sounds like he's a guest in the house rather than a father anyway.

RadishesForYou · 10/09/2023 07:35

You know it's all wrong; it sounds like what you need is support to leave. People talk as though it's very straightforward but it can feel impossible.

You know you need to separate and that it needs to happen now. The alternative is to keep living as you are which you hate and no doubt the children hate too.

Can you think of a plan? Would he leave if you ask him? Do you rent or own?

You say he says he doesn't want to separate, that he loves you, but those are just words. His behaviour is the truth; he despises his family and that is truly awful.

i hope you find the strength to leave.

Zonder · 10/09/2023 07:59

@RadishesForYou she has a plan and it's that he leaves by next weekend. She has told him.

menopausalbloat · 10/09/2023 12:38

@AdviceNeededForMe
How are you today?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2023 12:52

SomeCatFromJapan · 09/09/2023 23:14

What sort of shitstain of a parent hoards a bike he doesn't use while his teen daughter goes without one, while he pours his earnings down his useless alcoholic throat?

And people defend that?!

Absolutely agree.
PLUS
"the bus service has been cut in our village this past year so they dont run all day"

His poor teen is has barely any access to transport for the past year but he doesn't give a damn. Doesn't even occur to him to do anything about that, except deny her access for even a few hours to his precious 10-year old second hand bike he doesn't even use. That alone is abusive, never mind his nasty horrible treatment of her.

As her parent, he should be helping her was absolutely no skin off his nose to lend it, but instead he wanted his poor DD to be stuck at home, unable to meet her friends. Why?... Pure control. Pure Spite. She was probably desperate to get out to avoid being alone with a drunken abusive father.

But let's worry about his "rights" Having asked permission from the only available parent, the DD returned the damn thing in perfect condition? He's just looking for excuses to be abusive. As if, after that treatment, the DD should expect to be disciplined or told off for borrowing it and made to apologise to HIM.

It is a family resource or should be. And that is what OP and DD assumed, quite reasonably. It's not like she took his mobile phone and broke it.

BringMeTea · 10/09/2023 13:22

Lol at the MRAs still banging on about the bike... 😂

billy1966 · 10/09/2023 13:32

What a life your children have had.

A violent abusive alcoholic terrorising the house.

You should have called the police and had him removedfrom the home.

He is abusing your daughter in front of you.

What a pity your neighbours didn't call the police.

That poor child.

I hope your daughter speaks to a teacher and tells them about her horrific home life.

billy1966 · 10/09/2023 13:34

Reach out to the police and tell your daughter to speak to someone in the school.

It would have to be reported and you would get solid help to have him removed.

Forget about your privacy, put your poor daughter first.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2023 16:18

AdviceNeededForMe · 10/09/2023 07:02

Dont worry, hes leaving. Ive had enough know

Show quote history

I think from you referring to him as 'H' that you are legally married and IIRC you are renting. I'm sure I've seen something on MN (I'm not in the UK) whereby you can't force a spouse to leave the 'marital home', even if it's a rental in your sole name, whereas you can if it's a 'partner' and you are the sole lessee. You want to be sure of your legal grounds.

Hopefully someone will correct me if I'm wrong.

changedusername190 · 10/09/2023 22:24

if you live anywhere me i have a by win bike your more that welcome too. i'm told it's a women's bike with all the gadgets.

Thelonelygiraffe · 11/09/2023 07:53

Well done, @AdviceNeededForMe . You sound very strong and determined.

I'd tell some more people - shine some sunlight on this. Get some real life support.

You've got this. Onward and upward! 💐

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 11/09/2023 14:57

I spoke to him yesterday morning. He just sat there saying he doesnt want to split up, he loves me, he wants a peaceful life too, he will change and i just need to give him time to do that 🙄

so i went out for the day with kids. He had the opportunity to come with us but he made an excuse. When i got back i could see he had started prepping dinner but was out. Two hours later i text to ask where he was. It was 730pm by now. He said he was on the way home. Rolls in the door half cut and has been with one of his mates who is a big drinker. He Didn't see an issue with it. So much for change hey? Anyway, we didn’t eat until 10pm! Idk what happened but it just took forever. He was also drinking bavm at home. I had to feed the kids separately and put them to bed in the meantime.

cant wait to get out of this hellish situation

OP posts:
menopausalbloat · 11/09/2023 15:03

He sounds like a waste of fking space.
Sorry to be so blunt but there's no way he'll change when there's absolutely no consequences for his actions.

menopausalbloat · 11/09/2023 15:05

Just to add, I've lived with an alcoholic for 15 years. He doesn't drink anymore but to get here, a few wake-up calls were needed.
Not every addict is willing to change though.

Original poster
AdviceNeededForMe · 11/09/2023 16:01

Forgot to say- He did say yesterday “why should i leave”? I said well its my name on the tenancy so if i leave he cant stay. Then he said hes not moving out and is staying put 😑

im thinking about taking his house key and packing his shit for him and dumping it at his parents

OP posts:
Jennalong · 11/09/2023 16:56

Your last statement / idea is your best yet.

jeaux90 · 11/09/2023 16:59

Do it OP. He's not on the tenancy.
Look forward to the peace that follows.

LookItsMeAgain · 11/09/2023 17:22

This right here is the best idea you've had:
"im thinking about taking his house key and packing his shit for him and dumping it at his parents"

If you leave, as it's your name on the tenancy, I'd let the landlord know and they can contact him for squatting if he doesn't leave too, right?

MaryLea · 11/09/2023 17:34

I hope you are okay. If he kicks off again you HAVE to call the police. And also, you can talk to a teacher at your childrens' school as well. It will be much easier to do with help. Good luck. I went through something similar 22 years ago, and never regretted making the man leave. I only wish I'd done it sooner, as my son, who was only five at the time, has traumatic memories of his father that time has not erased.

Your children WILL remember that you stood up for them though. Knowing you have a parent who will fight to protect you does help a lot.

I really want to hear good news on this thread soon. Be strong, OP. You are brilliant.