Situation at home yesterday

[AdviceNeededForMe]

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

My DH gets really annoyed too when the DC borrow stuff of his after he has said no. I don't blame him really. However, this does not justify your DHs abusive response. I wouldn't stay with someone who behaves like that.

I would however buy DD her own bike off gumtree!

Was living so remotely his idea, or yours?

He appears to have you two isolated

Buy your DD her own bike, suggest moving somewhere less remote, start preparing to leave this abusive alcoholic control freak

"Its like he needs a shock for him to see im serious and hes lost it all. Its not going to be easy i know"

A shock is that it ?

I hope everything works out for you 0P.

He came back from his lads weekend. One of them fell ill and H is quite sunburnt so he came back.

since being back hes moped around the house. Not given any help with kids. No housework. He Stinks of stale beer 🤮 Even my younger kids said he stinks. i sat with him and asked if he received my text. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said no. I said look i just want a peaceful life, he said he does too 🤦🏻‍♀️ i had to pop shop but in that time a box of beer has appeared and hes a few in now….. 🫤

honestly, i don’t believe he will ever stop drinking like he does

He won't unless he realises he's got a problem and wants to fix it.

I told my son to stop taking my bike because he always brought it back with a puncture and he has his own (also with a puncture). It was a less than 2 minute conversation - ‘FGS, stop taking my bike if you can’t look after it. Fix your own bike, and you can fix mine while you’re at it’. The end.

OP you need to tell him to stop moping around and pack his shit up. Although I appreciate you'll be hesitant to do so once he's tanked up again but he clearly doesn't give a flying fuck.

He doesn't give a fuck. That is very clear.

OP please keep your resolve. He is a horrible abusive waste of skin. You, and certainly your children, deserve so much better. They deserve peace within the walls of their own home. As do you. Get him out.

As you’re married, I’m not sure you can just kick him out, even if yours is the only name on the tenancy, it’s the marital home. Please get some legal advice. You need to separate, you and the kids are being abused.

The bike isn't yours.

The bike isn't dds.

Neither of you get to decide of DH gives permission for its use.

But aside from the fact that you were both unreasonable in this.

His behaviour was awful. Is this normal for him? Does he have a drinking problem?

Is this a consequence of a wider problem with family dynamic and lack of boundaries and communication?

It doesn't sound like a decent environment for your children to grow up in.

For Gods sake by her a bike!
Then leave!

Im saving to buy a bike! She wont ride just any give away one though. Shes a teen girl who wants something new and cool vs rusty and old!!!

the bus service has been cut in our village this past year so they dont run all day

@AdviceNeededForMe it's hard that you're so isolated on top of everything else. Please do stick to your guns and get that bloke out. You deserve so much better.

Don't accept unacceptable behaviour from him! The bike is a family resource! It didn't cost £10,000 and it's his pride and joy ffs. Tell him this behaviour is not on. She is 14. Anyone would think she took his car fgs.

H sounds like a dick. What sort of manchild sulks all day, swears in front of children and smashes crockery because one thing doesn't go his way?

Yes, it's his bike and he doesn't want her to use it. But taking a simple step like locking the bike would seem better than ruining everyone's day like this.

Incidentally, why does D need to borrow his bike? Does she have her own bike? It seems like that would be a good idea.

Bloody hell OP you sound exactly like my mum.
We were miserable, and terrified. There was nowhere safe for us. We begged her to leave but she never would, just blamed him. We'll yes, it was him being abusive but she was tolerating it and and by doing so forcing us to tolerate it too.

I do feel for her a lot because he ground all the confidence out of her and she was at least in part genuinely terrified of how she would cope. But she also just didn't want to give up her "naice " lifestyle in the village etc..

Unfortunately now she's in her 70s and stuck with him.

I voted YABU because you set your daughter up for this and you are not protecting her or the little ones like you should be. Realistically he's not going to get better so this is on you to sort.

You need to leave.

Im trying! When hes sober tomorrow morning (because he will start drinking around 3pm), im going to just reiterate what ive said, try to get him to sit down with me to make sure he “gets it”. He wont sweet talk me. I keep thinking about the words you have all used “abusive” “domestic violence” they are also helping to spur me on

Oh, really?? He doesn't USE the fucking bike

This!

What sort of shitstain of a parent hoards a bike he doesn't use while his teen daughter goes without one, while he pours his earnings down his useless alcoholic throat?

And people defend that?!

You sound stronger already OP! Hope you keep it up!

What is the big deal about the bike if he never uses it?
She's probably safer on a bike than walking, l cycle to work in the dark and feel safer on a bike than l would walking, especially if you live remote.
His behaviour is disgraceful. I cannot stand or tolerate this type of behaviour, it is toxic and damaging. He sounds like an aggressive bullying drunk. Your daughter merely borrowing his bike that he never even uses doesn't warrant such horrible disgusting behaviour.

I think you should be very clear that his drinking has played a big part in getting to you asking him to leave. So he's under no illusions.

You mentioned a few times the word 'clean' in relation to him leaving, it sounds as though you feel he makes your living space unclean. I get that, it's not how you want it to feel and you need him gone to be able to make it right.