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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
TooOldForASugarDaddy · 08/09/2023 14:40

Ok… this is very dodgy, I have found a student in similar circumstances and there is not much you, the university or the world can do for them.

If she has a family, the best bet is for her to go back to them or anywhere she feels safe and able to survive ASAP. If she has not started a master she is not a student yet, and will only become one if she registers in the next few weeks.

Without money she cannot register, if she doesn’t, her student visa will be cancelled and the police will try to find her straight away to start deportation. Note: You can be held liable for providing a home to someone who is illegally in the country.

My advice, tell the blooming woman she needs to wake up, use whatever money to head home or anywhere she feels safe as the alternative is for her to end up homeless and penniless within a few months unable to pay a flight to return home.

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 14:41

@TrainedByCats
This is correct though ! Sums it up perfectly tbh

OP posts:
Ffghhhbdbfb · 08/09/2023 14:41

Can legal action be taken against the husband to force him to return the funds?

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 14:43

@TooOldForASugarDaddy
She's halfway through her study. She's paid the first half, not the second. But yeah, I know if she was illegal (she isn't at the moment) then I think the laws gave just changed that means I would be liable for housing her and there is quite a big fine, I think 10k or something.

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 08/09/2023 14:45

Pack her bags and kick her out ffs

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 08/09/2023 14:45

Ffghhhbdbfb · 08/09/2023 14:41

Can legal action be taken against the husband to force him to return the funds?

You cannot take legal action against someone you have no idea where he lives or where he is. She won’t be provided with legal aid and a solicitors cost a small fortune per minute, which she doesn’t have.

VampireApples · 08/09/2023 14:45

Oh no I wouldn't be putting up for that. It was kind of you to help her but I think she's taking the piss now. Get her stuff packed and move her on, you've done what you can but it's now affecting your home life and is toxic. Absolutely no way would I let her stop whilst she paid of her 8k of debt!

mfbx5sf3 · 08/09/2023 14:45

If she is here on a tier 4 visa to study and she’s already been undertaking her masters then isn’t her academic year just finished? Her visa will expire in January unless she gets the post study visa. And she won’t get the post study visa unless she is up to date on fees and has passed all 180 credits.

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 14:46

@BritishDesiGirl
If you're desi then you should believe this more than anyone ! :D
Sadly its all utterly true. I guess its abit out of context if you don't know all the history between me and H and how he is etc. I think most people's well adjusted Hs wouldn't have started this mess to begin with

OP posts:
graceinspace999 · 08/09/2023 14:47

This reply has been deleted

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Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 14:50

Don't bother phoning her dad to confirm they'll have her back. That's not on you and what if he says no? Everyone else has said no because she's not their problem - and she is a problem, as you've discovered. You've given her loads of help for 3months, practical, emotional, financial, and that's too much already. Pack her things and tell her to go then stop engaging with her issues. They're not yours to solve. Get her gone then you can focus on your own issues with DH. Perhaps this has all been a displacement activity - literally another person in the way so you don't have to deal with your own problems. But that's got to stop now.

Pista41 · 08/09/2023 14:52

I think the start of her new term is a good point to talk seriously to the uni about her going there - it's 4 /5 hours away but they had said she has to study online due to the risk as hed been calling her classmates for her timetable as he plans to find her there.

How is it not a risk to you and your family then, especially as he actually knows where she is/you are?

You’ve done everything you can OP, she’s refusing to help herself (probably partly because she knows you’ll step in). Tell her she needs to leave and sort her situation out, or (if you can afford it) you’ll buy her a ticket home if she’d prefer that. Then you’re not just kicking her out if you feel better about that.

You’ve clearly got a lot to deal with yourself, you need to focus on that.

Araminta34 · 08/09/2023 14:53

There's being kind, and then there's letting people walk all over you.
She's ungrateful, she's rude and she's sponging off you.
You have given her your time, your money, your advice and your practical help and she has massively taken advantage of you.
She has to go. She's not your child, she's a grown woman who is capable of sorting her own life out.
Give her a week, get the door locks changed and send her on her way.

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 14:54

This reply has been deleted

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It is 'just' you and it's bloody annoying.

If you can't contemplate anything beyond your own mundane existence then that's not OP's fault.

I really hate these troll hunting by stealth posts. If you don't believe it, report it.

HappiDaze · 08/09/2023 14:56

Just change the locks and give her her belongings when she rings the bell.

Job done

HappiDaze · 08/09/2023 14:57

I would have no patience for this and would hate with a passion having this woman in my home.

I would be brutal and savage in getting her out

MNetcurtains · 08/09/2023 14:57

This reply has been deleted

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HappiDaze · 08/09/2023 14:58

You've done more than enough to help her

Puddycatfan · 08/09/2023 15:06

This is one of the most frustrating posts I have ever read, and I've been here quite a while!

Tell you what, let me know where you are and I will come over and tell her to fuck off seeing as you seem incapable of putting your own children before an unknown adult.

I know that sounds harsh, but bloody hell, how many more people have to tell you?

LAMPS1 · 08/09/2023 15:14

You say she has legal status as a student but doesn’t even want to be a student, has no interest in the course which has been forced upon her, can’t pay her fees, doesn’t show up at uni anyway, has been abandoned financially by her husband who beats her up and tries to strangle her and has no money anyway, having to beg for £20. She is incapable of feeding herself even when food is provided and can’t walk anywhere and you know she is highly vulnerable as no women’s charity will help her. You are hiding her from her husband as you know he will be violent towards her again. You also say that all previous attempts to house her have failed.
Its blatantly clear she has already been passed around since January and doesn’t want to be here, is still in culture shock and is the ‘possession’ of her husband who is violent towards her and desperate to find her. She is so desperate (or manipulative) now that she refuses to eat.
Instead of paying out for her any more, the kindest thing you can do for the poor girl is to buy her a cheap one-way plane ticket home asap and get her to the airport. Her future here is so bleak, she is unable to help herself and has nowhere to turn.
Do you have the means to do that OP ?

MariePaperRoses · 08/09/2023 15:20

Show your husband this so that he doesn't invite strangers to live in your home again.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/mother-and-son-killed-stourbridge-west-midlands-took-homeless-man-in-tracey-peter-pirece-wilkinson-tripple-stabbing-a7661501.html

MsRosley · 08/09/2023 15:23

Acheyknees · 08/09/2023 11:24

'Morning CF, we think it's time for you to move out as you're obviously not happy here, does Sunday suit?

Perfect.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/09/2023 15:25

What a complicated situation which is not yours to fix
It seems that she sees you both as parental figures and you have assumed responsibility.
As she has no recourse to benefits etc
I'm not sure the council would have a duty to house her
Personally I would go with her to the CAB and also tell the council her/your current situation is untenable
It goes without saying that your DH needs to knock the bitching on the head
Good luck

Iknowthis1 · 08/09/2023 15:35

I suspect that you are being told a pack of lies.

ChilledBeez · 08/09/2023 15:38

You should have read your comment before uploading it. Why on earth would you possibly have to ask for anyone's advice on this freeloading CF?