To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

[BasKaro]

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

@BasKaro can I send you a PM? X

Absolutely, what a weirdo. Definitely time to LTB. You deserve so much better than him.

What is stopping you from putting all her stuff on the street?!
If she comes banging at your door, then call the police and make her their problem

I guess I just don't have that mindset yet to just cut right off. I think giving the numbers is pretty fair, that at least let's me not worry that she was utterly helpless.

Her husband called mine I guess because he sensed "a good thing". And they've alienated all other options in the 5m they'd been here so far. Originally he had wanted her to call my husband and fake cry and ask for money , she refused. After that the landlord told them to go and the husband called mine. He is highly manipulative, I guess its brushed off abit. He's called a few times since fake crying/howling about how he needs to see his wife "one last time" and eventually asked my husband for £20 ... this has obviously all unfolded and come to light as time as gone on.
They weren't on a scam re. the visa, just the student route was what he chose to settle here (legally via 1 year study, 2 year post study work then I guess skilled worker sponsorship) which is why I presume she isn't bothered about her course (I.e she seemed to have been doing the bare minimum). She still has legal status here, she is a current student. Whether that will change in future if the remaining fees are paid or whether she will pass is another thing, and I am learning absolutely not my problem .

Either kick her out or continue making excuses for her. You've been a total walk over, and are just making excuses for her now. I've never heard so many excuses.....she's foreign, the council love those, especially if they've been abused they'll give her a flat straight away. YMCA take people straight away on the day if they're homeless. Something tells me you'll keep her with you, you'll continue to make excuses as to why she's not entitled to any help and your marriage will likely suffer. I'd never have anyone blatantly use me like that, not sure what you hope to get from us here we can't kick her out and why would she leave since she lives rent free with s built in butler. Sorry OP just call the YMCA n tell them she is homeless and cannot stay with you and has absolutely no other friends

@Lwrenagain Yeah you can pm

I am absolutely LTB :D , I am in the process of getting enough things together to get my own place, I do utterly realise his side of this hoo haa is far from healthy or normal.

@MoreThanAMumma

There is just no way I could. But definitely I'll be deciding a (soon) deadline. I've really had enough now, especially now I really think about yeah she's supporting the police case but she won't bloody ring 101 unless I go and shove a ringing phone in her hand and report the bail breaches. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I really needed some MN perspective on this, seriously .

Emz6103

"she's foreign, the council love those, especially if they've been abused they'll give her a flat straight away. "

It only works like that in the Daily Mail.

This is not your problem. Kick her out let her go to her dad. This is madness

This is the kind of thing my equally crazy narc exDH would have done. You need her out, one way or another. I’d make her the university’s responsibility, even if that meant driving her there and leaving her with them. And (from bitter experience) I wouldn’t trust DH’s motives at all and would get shot of her asap. And probably him as well, but as you say, that’s a separate issue. The situation is intolerable in every way. You don’t need this in your life.

OK god, I've been there with unwanted visitors and housemates, making minimal effort to pay their way.

I'd be tempted to phone her Dad confirm she can live there and then tell her you strongly think ex has found out she's at yours, but all you can do for her now is help her get a flight back. Kiss goodbye to the flight money though. Uni is irrelevant she's going to mess it up if she doesn't want to do it.

@PinkyFlamingo

I wish I knew. Honestly thought I'd be slated for being mean, I don't know why I have such a warped perspective on the situation compared to others. I can't help the world and definitely would be better placed donating money directly to womens aid than doing something like this ever. I probably see myself abit in her (without all the drama) but the sort of helpless aspect but I blooming made my phone calls and got on my feet , younger than her with kids in tow. I think not one person on this thread thinks she should remain here and that is very telling

You say 'Not my circus, not my monkeys' but this grown woman has made your home her circus tent and using you as a clown.
I totally get it can be awkward, but you are doing everything for her and you don't know this person. Seriously, you are being taken for a fool.
She is in your home, where your kid(s) are. This is a total stranger and she could be dangerous.

@MoreThanAMumma
Absolutely, I have Absolutely let my home be the circus 100%. I feel a right muppet now but oddly less stressed because I was really grappling with my "fed up ness" because it felt selfish.

The husband must surely be deported if he is not living with his wife?
Can she divorce him quickly and easily for DV in Uk?
Seems she will also either have to leave UK without your support or be deported too soon.
Does she not have any money? I think fees for University courses for foreign students in Uk are high?
Surely she would have to have proved she can support herself (and dependent husband) to get the foreign student visa?

No you do not. Why the hell would you need to contact her uni? All you need to do is to tell her to leave. SHE can contact her uni to discuss HER options. Even if she was your teenage child, you would not need to be dealing directly with her uni, so the fact that she is an unrelated adult means you absolutely do not need to be involved. Tell her to go. That's the only end date you need to fix this.

I have a teen off soon to university - they won't if fact can't talk to me without her permission - not sure they'd be that keen to talk to a complete stranger even with permission.

• • I'd honestly start questioning who was at the end of the "student support" phone call as several posters have pointed out what was said there was utter rubbish.

I'd started questioning everything here TBH - if what you are saying is correct I'm wondering if you are the victim of some elaborate scam - you might want to think about talking to the police again about it all and maybe immigration - at very least I'd start suggesting you are going to as motivation to get her out your house.

ClawedButler

It's like a buffalo has been let loose in your house and you're worrying about offending it by asking it not to crap on the carpet!

BasKaro you need to re-read this post as ClawedButler has nailed it^^

The woman sounds like an entitled, spoiled princess and you need to get her out of your life for your children’s sake - it’s THIER home. They are your responsibility not her and her issues.

The longer you let her stay the more are enabling this dependence she has on you and your husband like some sort of scrounger.

She isn’t your problem, you’re not a charity and she sounds like she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and go down the proper channels for things like her emotional support.

I also think you need to do some serious work on your own boundaries.

Maybe direct some of your wanting to do good towards your children who are suffering as a result of this, and get this stranger out of their home.

@tara66
He should be deported as he now has no rights to be here. I guess when there is a charging decision then that will be dealt with. However I do know it is very very hard to deport someone. She can't divorce in UK as far as I know as she didn't marry here. I presume it will be fairly simple back home? She only has a few hundred saved from her part time job, the remaining fees are 8k . I know she has a necklace from her wedding she says is worth 2k , I thought she might just pay off the fees monthly plus maybe some from her parents. They can't support her day to day really but I'd imagine it's possible for them to take a loan back home . I definitely will be having nothing to do with the fees, maybe she thought we might help but thankfully we couldn't even if we were that was inclined . Looking back, the constant moping and mumbling about fees maybe was abit of a way to see if my husband would offer to lend the money , but she afforded a wedding far in excess of the fees so both of us really felt that was absolutely not our problem , alongside, as you said, she would have had to show the fees in the account to get the visa. She did have a way she could have switched to a sponsored skilled visa as her job back home is on the list and in demand but she just didn't bother??? They closed that route now anyway. The more I type i realise there literally is no helping this woman (not girl).

You are putting your children at so much risk here and it’s not fair on them to have this weird situation in their home.

OP has done all this. Did you not read it ?

@TripleDaisySummer
Shes given consent for me to be in contact with uni because otherwise she wouldn't bother at all, she's just buried her head in the sand. But teens can handle their own uni stuff and shes got nearly 10 years on them. I don't think it's a scam, it would be one hell of a scam with the injuries, I was there when she gave the body cam recorded interview which can be used as evidence if she stops supporting the case etc. But certainly she is overly entitled, and wants everyone else to do absolutely everything for her. I've given her 3m of tools and access to help so she can utilise that all now.