To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

[BasKaro]

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

Do not sort this mess out for her
Let her contact the bloody Uni
You can sit with her so you know it's done and then seriously drop her to the Uni
The Uni situation sounds bizarre too
It's my understanding than students from abroad require a sponsor and I know for a fact they do not study online
My DS works at a Uni, with very high foreign intake

Are you from India? Because you mentioned her saying lower caste and you username is in Hindi? I am from India too.

So let her go back to India if she cannot make efforts to call women aid. India is a tough country for women but in my experience many young Indian people are very entitled expecting someone else to do work for them, cooking and cleaning done by mothers, maids well in adulthood. Then there are those Indians who are extremely kind and helpful like you and unfortunately they are taken advantage of. I had a friend who self invited herself to my place expecting me to take care of her like she is a young kid. India is a tough country for women but a young Indian woman able to move to UK, a much expensive country alone to study does not belong to that demography. It was very arrogant of her to call someone lower caste, a person is living internationally is expected to nor have such old fashioned, discriminatory views. She sounds very entitled, you cannot adopt her. You mention going somewhere with kids. Please do not let your kids get impacted by this unnecessary drama.

Twice you say she has only herself to blame in your hypothetical scenario of her family falling apart.

Enough people have already given the same advice without being an arsehole.

I don’t know if someone has posted similar, but she can get a charity to support her if she’s a victim of DV.
She can claim asylum as a victim of DV if she can’t return to her home country and she will get accommodation and £45 pkw.
Her university can provide emergency accommodation.
There are many routes available to her, especially if she’s a victim of dv.
It’s all very nice to help out but it’s not working for you. She needs to go now.

This is one of the most batshit things ive ever read on here. You are letting this woman walk all over you.

Get rid now. This is reading like a psychological thriller book and it doesn’t end well for you! Seriously though, you’ve done more than enough and she sounds incredibly toxic, you need to get her out.

Get her out. She is not your problem. Stop being a total mug and letting her wak all over you. You need to take charge and soon.

In my opinion, the best help you can give would be to put her issues firmly in the hands of your local authority. Help her pack and take her and her belongings to the housing dept during office hours and have her explain to them that she is homeless.
It will be their responsibility to advise her of the options and different agencies she can contact.

She isn't going to resolve anything in your home. She's far too comfortable treating you like her unpaid staff. You've done all you can, but this isn't helping her.

Be ready for her anger and protect yourself and family from accusations or threats that might come out. I could quite imagine her making up all sorts of untruths to generate sympathy or explain why you've put her out. Your husband needs to be particularly aware that she may suddenly make up lies about him.

You are a good person gor helping her, but you need to look after yourself too. And ultimately, this isn't helping her.

@BasKaro You sound like an incredibly decent, kind hearted and capable woman but reading between the lines it sounds like you have very porous boundaries.

It would be perfectly reasonable to sit her down and tell her that certain things need to change if she is to continue to stay - and lay out your terms clearly and unambiguously.

I wouldn’t throw her to the wolves either but there’s nothing unreasonable in setting a date for her to leave by, telling her to take on more hours of work, expecting her to contribute to your household (not necessarily with money but she should be jumping up to clear the table before you can even think about washing up, and playing with and minding the dc).

I'm getting the exact same feeling. Maybe she's more then a friends friend...

That was rude of you!! The comment wasn't addressed to you but you butted in insulted the person for having a different viewpoint! It's commenters like you that really get on my nerves, so you have such a "mundane life" that you have to police all the comments and report all the ones you don't like?

Who are you talking to?

Clicking the 3 vertical dots at the top right of a post will reveal the "quote' option. Use that so your response isn't a complete waste of time.

I know this sounds harsh OP, but you have brought this almost entirely on yourself. You've enabled her. I know you've done it initially out of a desire to be kind but it's backfired and now you're like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Don't let it continue a minute longer.

*Horizontal dots

Emz6103 I didn’t like your comments either. When you wrote about having to pay taxes for migrants like the Daily Mail, I thought you were unsupportive and unlikeable. I didn’t bother to report you but I’m glad someone else did.

Do not give her advance warning that she has to leave.

She then has time to do anything in your home or to you.

You and your husband tell her NOW she packs in front of you and you escort her out and take her wherever you are dropping her.

You tell her if she returns you will call the police.

I suspect there is a lot you don't know and there is a sinister tale behind it.

You don't know that the domestic violence actually happened or not.

This woman could be saying anything in order to have been accepted into your home.

Hence her lack of respect and gratitude.

I think your husband knows more than he is letting on.

Why was your DH the one called when the "friend of a friend" was kicked out of their accommodation? And why was the answer "move in with us" ever even suggested?

I'm thinking of my own "friends of friends" that I "vaguely know", and can honestly say with 100% certainty that ZERO of them would call me looking for accommodation. Even in the tightest of pinches.

And the bitchy email between your DH and her...? Girl, she tryna move in on your patch. Tell her she needs to be gone within the week, "here's the address of a women's refuge, see ya."

I get that you've tried to be kind to a woman in the same situation you were once in, but this random woman is exactly zero percent of your business. I'm sure there were plenty of people higher up her social pecking order than an opposite sex "friend of friend."

@BasKaro hi OP, I don't know if this has been suggested on here. But if she was brought here by him and forced to do the course she didn't want to do, in order for him to settle here, there's a chance she may be able to settle here under a human trafficking visa. I'm not a lawyer or immigration professional, but I had been in a similar situation in a different country, got stuck there and was told by an immigration lawyer of that country it was classed as human trafficking.

I would definitely encourage her to go to the police over the DV and seek legal advice about her situation at being coerced into studying here for his benefit.

Please no one give me stick for this, it's literally a suggestion in a very sensitive situation.

She’s not your responsibility. Contact the university - they should have student welfare. She sounds ungrateful and a bit of a cf.

THIS ^.

Your good, kind heart and compassionate nature have been exploited and abused and trampled over.

Time to stop!

This may be the cheekiest fucker ever to appear on MN.

Henlodger instead of cocklodger.

A cuckoo, for sure!

@MariePaperRoses the abuse is the one thing op is sure about as she's witnessed the injuries, broken nose, black eyes, strangulation bruising etc. unfortunately being a genuine victim doesn't mean she isn't capable of abusing others.

After reading everything you have done for this woman, it's time to just say no. I would tell her I was done doing the work she should be doing with uni and everything else. She is an adult and unless she starts behaving like one, she will have to live with the consequences. Enough.

Why, just why?
she’d be told straight up to shape up or ship out! No way woukd I put up with that.

To drag the arse out of the buffalo-in-your-house analogy...

It doesn't matter if the buffalo has matted hair. It doesn't belong in your house.
It doesn't matter if the buffalo doesn't mean to trample things. It doesn't belong in your house.

It doesn't matter if X legislation or Y circumstances apply to this GROWN WOMAN. She doesn't belong in your house.
It doesn't matter what she's done in the past or what she plans to do in future. She doesn't belong in your house.