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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
Handlecarefully · 08/09/2023 13:27

You've got to stop spending all this money and time on her for a start. Then give her a list of useful organisations to contact and give her a week's notice.

LadyKenya · 08/09/2023 13:28

This all sounds so unbelievable. Yeah, that!

newnamethanks · 08/09/2023 13:28

Pack whatever she's brought with her and put it out on the street with her following. She's a leech, she'll soon find another host. You're not responsible for her and are allowing her to blackmail you into believing you are. Out.

Yalta · 08/09/2023 13:29

I think you both need to sit her down and tell her to grow the f**k up

She needs to start realising that she is in a mess of her own making and she needs to start sorting it out by filling in forms and taking help where it is offered and reducing her expectations on what she can expect in life. Higher caste or not isn’t going to help her if she is in a foreign country and refuses to fill out any forms or do anything to help herself

She is not a child she is a jobless and homeless woman who has burnt her bridges with others who could have helped her. If the university have emergency accommodation then she needs to ask for it and start sorting her own stuff out as you are not putting up with her ungrateful and quite frankly appalling behaviour

You are not her parents, you are not her servants and this is not her home
You were trying to help her but if she obviously thinks she is better than you both and she isn’t happy about her treatment then it is time she moved on. She has 48 hours to sort the emergency uni accommodation out or any accommodation out as you are done. You don’t care if she gets her act together or not as she isn’t your responsibility

I would point out that if she stays in the uk then at her age she is an adult and not a child and she needs to put aside what she thinks she deserves and start being realistic in what her budget and passport status will allow.

She sort of reminded me of someone I worked with many years ago who had come to the uk when she married. Talking to her when she first started working was like talking to a spoilt 9year old rather than a woman in her mid 20s

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:30

God I love mumsnet, wish i posted ages ago

OP posts:
Supercat100 · 08/09/2023 13:33

You've been incredibly kind but also a doormat. Give her one week notice, pack her bags and drive her to the council offices or uni if need be. Her university welfare team should be helping her. She and her husband need to return to India, separately of course.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 13:33

I guess going forward I need to contact her uni directly to discuss options for her return there, and put some sort of end date on this for her

No you do not. Why the hell would you need to contact her uni? All you need to do is to tell her to leave. SHE can contact her uni to discuss HER options. Even if she was your teenage child, you would not need to be dealing directly with her uni, so the fact that she is an unrelated adult means you absolutely do not need to be involved. Tell her to go. That's the only end date you need to fix this.

Although your repeated refusal to take this simple thing on board, plus the story about the DH being at the house but 'not knowing the address' (wtf?? was he taken there and back with a bag over his head?? he doesn't need to know the address to find the place where he has actually physically been!) makes me think this must be BS.

Chippy4me · 08/09/2023 13:33

Stop being such a pushover OP!
She is treating you like absolute shit!

So what if she’s been in an abusive relationship, you’ve said you’ve been in one too and you don’t act like she acts.

I understand wanting to help her but you are helping her and she needs to appreciate it.

Your DH was right when he was blunt with her when he was at the park.

I would be absolutely fuming if someone was living in my own home and refusing to speak to me.

You need to be very blunt with her.
Tell her she is an adult living in your house for free and you will not have her being disrespectful.

If she sniffs at you ask her what her problem is and if she doesn’t like it she can rent somewhere else and pay her own bills.

It sounds harsh but her treatment of you had been awful and this will only get worse.

ClawedButler · 08/09/2023 13:38

She's an adult stranger.

Can you put me up for a few weeks and sort my life out for me? I won't pay anything, and I don't know you, and you'd think I'd be perfectly capable, but I'm a lazy selfish arse and you look like the perfect mug to take on my problems because I can't be bothered to deal with them.

Sound fair? Reasonable?

Because if it doesn't, why on God's green earth are you doing it for this woman??

usernamealreadytaken · 08/09/2023 13:42

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:04

@titchy

Uni (some student support worker, forgot the actual title) did say this on a call with me present (when I was sorting out who we needed to contact with regards to what, who her tutors were etc) . Whether the lecturers go though with that suggestion I don't know. But in terms of DV she's very high risk and he is hunting her down and using others too which adds to it. However another uni person did suggest she just go.home (!)

Her case is absolutely genuine , I've been there at every point.

Why is he "hunting her down" when he knows she's staying with you?

Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:42

Her husband didn't drive here, my husband picked them up. I thought it'd be too high risk for her to remain but the police actively encouraged her staying here , I guess no one wants "the problem". I guess I don't need to contact her uni etc. When this is discussed with her ill give her a list of numbers and she is perfectly capable of ringing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:46

He doesn't know shes staying here , before he was told to leave (my husband took.him to the main town station) my husband got her to hide her bags when he was in the garden and walk down a back alley and he told the husband she had already gone. It makes sense to suspect it but he's not found the house again nor said he thinks she's here. He did call and question my husband who said she was long gone.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2023 13:46

When this is discussed with her ill give her a list of numbers and she is perfectly capable of ringing them.

Well you don't have to do that either, but you seem pathologically unable to withdraw from the helper/mug role, so do the absolutely minimum by giving her some numbers, and beyond that send her on her way and leave her to it. And do it today, so she can get her shit together over the weekend and go. Don't give her time to engineer some BS crisis that'll pull on your heartstrings. Even if she does, that's for her family to deal with. She's still not your problem.

usernamealreadytaken · 08/09/2023 13:47

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:16

The DV 100% isn't a scam, she had a broken nose, strangulation bruising on her neck and 2 black eyes the day I saw her and took her to hospital. There is another hospital admission too where she had displaced vertebrae. Her husband isn't British, he's the dependent. No doubt there wasn't a real intention to study, she said she didn't want to do that course but he made her as it had a higher chance of a visa. She was going to complete it as a route for them to remain here. That's why I am sympathetic because I can imagine what it must have felt like to have been trapped with a person doing that. But, he's been gone 3m and she doesn't seem to be taking any steps in her future.
I would never drop her at a gurdwara , thats the route into more serious problems unless by some miracle she finds someone genuine but from the stories I hear she'll just be ripe for exploitation.

I'll look more into the link someone posted about help for no recourse to public funds because the plan i had in my head of her completing uni then going on to full time work and renting her own space is not going to happen, and I can't carry this on anyway until her course ends like this.

So you're now admitting you're happy to support both of them in an immigration scam? FFS.

aloneagaingreat · 08/09/2023 13:47

This is all absolutely nuts.

But the "fake screaming" at the name of a "lower caste".....wtaf??? ConfusedConfusedConfused

And your husband sending her long bitchy emails about you? Apart from the fact that's insane - why are they emailing each other anyway? They live in the same house.

Also, why is she always sniffing? I'm not sure what you mean by this? The giggling then sniffing when she saw you makes me thinks she's pretending to cry, is that it?

Either way, get rid. You're being a mug.

Miyagi99 · 08/09/2023 13:48

You’re not getting it. It’s not your problem , she needs to stand on her own two feet now as you’ve helped her enough. Drop her off at a refuge or at the uni with her bags. She’s 26!!!! She’ll have to work out what she can do from there and they’ll have much more idea of the specific resources available to her, you’ll in effect be doing her a good service as at the moment she’s trapped in this situation as she’s living the high life with you!

aloneagaingreat · 08/09/2023 13:49

ManateeFair · 08/09/2023 11:53

my husbands bonkers/narc. , put him to one side for the mo

I don't think you can just 'put him to one side' when he got you into this situation in the first place. He is as much part of the problem as the woman who is staying in your house.

My guess is that your husband, who has been emailing her to slag you off, was either hoping to sleep with her and was rebuffed, or has actually slept with her and now she's refusing to let it happen again.

I think it must be something like this.

Miyagi99 · 08/09/2023 13:49

You could get in trouble if ostensibly she’s in the country illegally now.

carly2803 · 08/09/2023 13:49

Miyagi99 · 08/09/2023 13:48

You’re not getting it. It’s not your problem , she needs to stand on her own two feet now as you’ve helped her enough. Drop her off at a refuge or at the uni with her bags. She’s 26!!!! She’ll have to work out what she can do from there and they’ll have much more idea of the specific resources available to her, you’ll in effect be doing her a good service as at the moment she’s trapped in this situation as she’s living the high life with you!

This - ^^ she is NOT your problem

get her out - this weekend! shes a grown ass woman shes is not your child!

NotNewButNameChanged2023 · 08/09/2023 13:52

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:28

@NotNewButNameChanged2023

Not related or even friends. My husband didn't think it through, but in terms of her I don't really see in a way what else could have been done. Even WA were like " thanks for looking after her because there is nowhere else she can go". I guess because 1)I've been through DV and know how isolating and horrific it can be , especially when you lack support. And 2) it's becoming more.common in our community the fate of students who come here and fall between the gaps, there was a suicide just about 2 m ago really close. But it's really gone out of control now I can see. Without constant "mothering" she won't finish her course, she won't sort out the fees etc. She has some gold she was talking about selling which would pay a chunk of it, plus she does have a working family back home and some work here. But she doesn't try or think of a plan, I think she thinks someone is going to come and hand it all to her on a plate. I got her a great job interview for the same work she did back home and that would have certainly led to her longer term settlement and she didn't bother to revise for the maths/English test. They gave her another chance and an online log in to practice and retake and she never bothered. She's been in UK since Jan and only now has a job because I got my husband to literally take her to every local business with a CV I made. Her husband never had a job at all and his parents send money. I guess after 3m her plan isn't my problem. She had a clear route out, free food and accommodation, even was going to get her driving and she just doesn't bother. There is no magic want for her, I think inevitably her student visa will get cancelled whether due to lack of fees or the fact she doesn't do the work and is failing.

Really needed to hear all this

But why is she in your house and seen as your responsibility?
Why was your husband contacted in the first place if you don’t even know her?

Have I missed the link somewhere?!

ClawedButler · 08/09/2023 13:53

When this is discussed with her ill give her a list of numbers and she is perfectly capable of ringing them

My love, she is perfectly capable of FINDING the numbers she needs.

It's like a buffalo has been let loose in your house and you're worrying about offending it by asking it not to crap on the carpet!

Positive41 · 08/09/2023 13:54

My head hurts reading all that!

Her family might be abroad but they're not on another planet.

It hasn't worked out for her. Either the family pops on a plane and helps her, or she goes home. End of.

Nazzywish · 08/09/2023 13:56

I can guess she is from somewhere like india/ pakistan that area by sounds of and by sounds of the way your bending over backwards for her. Kick her out and send her back home. Do it soon otherwise risk your marriage and family life completely falling apart and then you've only got yourself to blame. She has family, the drama back home is not your problem,her masters not your problem because I bet even if she gets it there'll be some excuse of another why she's still dependant on you. And why would she go back home if your making life so easy for her. Your lucky your jusband is fed up and wants her gone because soon it may be that he wants her to stay " think second wife" scenario and then your in even bigger trouble. Get her out now even if everyone calls you all the names under the sun, tell her she has until x date to get out and then kick her out. Or pay for her ticket back home literally buy the ticket and do not let her back in. Your being silly and will only have yourself to blame if your family falls apart because your being weak towards her. Sorry sounds harsh I know but in this case she is NOT without other options.

aloneagaingreat · 08/09/2023 13:56

This is like something out of Take A Break.

Sorry, OP. But you need to get rid.

PinkyFlamingo · 08/09/2023 14:00

What's actually wrong with you that you're putting up with this madness!