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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

409 replies

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:16

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/09/2023 12:44

Is she being set up as your DH second wife?

Illbebythesea · 08/09/2023 12:44

Jesus OP. This is bonkers. I’m not saying this to sound horrible but why do you care so much? Yes it’s very sad, lots of situations are sad in life but we can’t save everyone! Especially when she’s being rude and spoilt (the audacity?!) whatever happens to her is not your problem - get her out! & your husband!

LadybirdStone · 08/09/2023 12:44

Oh and 100% on Monday when it’s leaving day she’ll get cancer again, or throw herself down the stairs or there will be another family drama. But she leaves. Protect your own children.

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 12:45

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/09/2023 12:44

Is she being set up as your DH second wife?

Hmm
BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:46

@Ylvamoon

Yep. Now I think that her degree maybe isn't really genuine. She's been massively mollycoddled - even her job back.home is next door to the dad in a very similar line of work. She was never taught to cook etc. She literally punched her fist down on the sofa when her mum didn't pander to something she was saying. I think the situation is going to implode in not a good way if something doesn't change.

I did think a little if I was given this support I'd be literally doing whatever I could in leui of payment, like housework etc. Then I thought maybe thats exploitation... I never have asked her to do anything but I did think wow... she just doesn't bother. I can't force her to get on her feet, I've given her every thing as best I can and she's tuned out. I think really it is best she goes home to her parents, if uni flops. She has no desire to get on her feet and I worry now reading the thread that they all think they've really landed on their feet with us and are here for the long haul.

OP posts:
Itick8outof10boxes · 08/09/2023 12:47

She and her shit left yesterday, dh to closely follow if he kicked off aboutt it being unfair not to give her warning.
Not your problem, I wouldn't do anymore for her, you've been far to nice and it's bitten you on the arse. Tbh, I wouldn't have had randoms in my home to start with.

Britneyfan · 08/09/2023 12:48

It looks like she might be able to apply for an exception to the no recourse to public funds thing for domestic abuse, so that she could access a refuge. But she’d have to call them to find out and sounds like she isn’t very interested in finding an alternative solution to her problems than living with you indefinitely… It also sounds like she might be able to access money from her family to pay for accommodation etc anyway? Definitely I agree she needs encouragement to find another solution that isn’t living with you! I think you have to make it clear that she can’t stay here forever and give her a deadline to find an alternative.

https://idas.org.uk/what-we-do/domestic-abuse-support/victims-with-no-recourse-to-public-funds/

Victims with no recourse to public funds - IDAS

Back to Domestic Abuse Services Sometimes abusers use a person’s immigration status to try and control them. Regardless of your immigration status, if you are subject to domestic abuse, you have the right to protection by the Police and courts from you...

https://idas.org.uk/what-we-do/domestic-abuse-support/victims-with-no-recourse-to-public-funds/

Jaemoon · 08/09/2023 12:48

I think really it is best she goes home to her parents, if uni flops.

She just needs to go! If you tell her she needs to go, you might actually be helping her as it will encourage her to take her life into her own hands. As you say, she has been mollycoddled by her parents and now you have done the same.

She has no desire to get on her feet and I worry now reading the thread that they all think they've really landed on their feet with us and are here for the long haul.

I guarantee you 100% that she will stay with you for years if you continue sleepwalking into this arrangement.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 08/09/2023 12:49

OP, you need help every bit as much as this lady, if not more.

You appear to have a very dysfunctional and disrespectful husband and all sorts of boundaries are being breached.

Can you start to focus on you, your mental wealth, wellbeing and safety instead? It doesn't sound like you have much of that. Instead of talking to women's aid about her, can you talk to them about helping you.

caringcarer · 08/09/2023 12:49

OP I really don't think this random woman is your issue to deal with. I'd be dropping her off at a refuge and driving away.

MoonlightDreamer · 08/09/2023 12:49

The whole thing is incomprehensible.
I don't understand the story of what's going on at all

Tiddlywinkly · 08/09/2023 12:51

Some thoughts:

Does she have a right to remain in the UK?
Is she registered with a uni currently? They can help her.

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:52

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen 🤣 we aren't muslim but from a similar culture in many ways honestly, he got fed up long before me but I am (overly it seems) empathetic. The email thing was more about his ego than anything overly romantic. I would pay to see them get married, it would be the biggest clash of personalities ever.

I actually do worry there is something abit...odd... like whoever said she might throw herself down the stairs or something. That's what sparked me to write this post, this not eating but making damn sure we all know. It's all abit munchausen for me.

I mean generally shes pleasent enough but I can't take on someone with such complex needs at the end of the day. Maybe some full independence will be the making of her...

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 08/09/2023 12:54

So, when are you going to talk to her, OP? What’s her deadline?

LaffTaff · 08/09/2023 12:54

[If this isn't a massive wind up] You're not being kind or charitable OP, you're being an absolute, complete, unmitigated mug!
She's taking you for the ride of her life. She's a stranger!!! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
I wouldn't have allowed her to move in in the first place however, in your current position, I'd have her things packed and she'd be leaving today. You've tried to help her; you can't however help someone who is unwilling to help themselves. And you don't even fek'n know her!

Genuinely, I don't know what I find the more breathtaking - the cheek of this chancer or the OP's epic gullibleness! Imagine casually planning festival outfits whilst you're freeloading your entire existence off strangers 😂

ohdamnitjanet · 08/09/2023 12:55

Not sure I wouldn’t be the one going and leaving those two narcissists to stew in their own mess together.

Tohaveandtohold · 08/09/2023 12:57

This is just ridiculous op. This is not your problem to sort out at all. You’ve done much more than what you’re expected to do, I don’t think herself or her husband had any plans of studying for any masters.

All the whole domestic abuse story, husband stolen her school fees when she’s not even working to get the fees, stories of ‘kidnapping her family members back home’, husband asking her classmates for her time table to show that he wants to go and attack her in school etc sounds like someone just in this country and trying to get some police trail, etc to apply for asylum as this woman does not sound like she has any intention of studying here and all these are made up. Why will her uni be hundreds of miles away to start with.

You are Just being used.
You sound soft which is not a bad thing but it means people can take advantage of you easily. what I’ll advice you to do is to tell her to pack her bags, book her in a premier inn for 3 days in the location of her uni to soften the blow and send her packing.

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2023 12:58

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 11:37

Dad lives abroad where she is from.
My husband is a totally separate issue, he said he did it firstly because she was praising me "too much" (damn right, I've not even taken annual leave because I'm so behind because I've been taking her most days to wherever she needs to go, then cheering up palaver afterwards) then he said she was putting him down so wanted to give his life.story. my husbands bonkers/narc. , put him to one side for the mo. That whole thing was beyond every line of appropriateness no matter what his crappy reasons.

Surely she needs to go to her college welfare office?

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/09/2023 12:59

I too missed the point where this was your problem. It isn’t. You were being (too) nice - now you are just being a mug. Tell her to leave.

AnIndianWoman · 08/09/2023 12:59

Have you checked whether a local Gurdwara or ISKON temple may take or support her? Many have policies to support students.

titchy · 08/09/2023 13:00

I think the start of her new term is a good point to talk seriously to the uni about her going there - it's 4 /5 hours away but they had said she has to study online due to the risk as hed been calling her classmates for her timetable as he plans to find her there

She's lying. No uni would be able to let an international student on a visa study online, regardless of the circumstances.

Probably her whole story is bullshit.

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 13:00

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

Thanks xxxxxxxxx I have done lots of work with WA, I am pretty much there I think just logistically I can't leave. I have a plan, I am not living my life in this nonsense (the email thing isn't abnormal for example, he'll go off for ego boosts to anyone who will listen) . But I think I really underestimated how much of a negative impact this has had for me, and my work too. But there is something in me that I just can't seem to do things which seem "mean" even to my detriment. Probably need to work through that with a therapist because the overwhelming consensus here is that I am being a mug, and I genuinely thought people would be more "stop being mean about this poor girl"

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 08/09/2023 13:00

What's your housing situation like? If you rent I would be packing my own bags and clearing off out of there.

usernamealreadytaken · 08/09/2023 13:02

BasKaro · 08/09/2023 12:46

@Ylvamoon

Yep. Now I think that her degree maybe isn't really genuine. She's been massively mollycoddled - even her job back.home is next door to the dad in a very similar line of work. She was never taught to cook etc. She literally punched her fist down on the sofa when her mum didn't pander to something she was saying. I think the situation is going to implode in not a good way if something doesn't change.

I did think a little if I was given this support I'd be literally doing whatever I could in leui of payment, like housework etc. Then I thought maybe thats exploitation... I never have asked her to do anything but I did think wow... she just doesn't bother. I can't force her to get on her feet, I've given her every thing as best I can and she's tuned out. I think really it is best she goes home to her parents, if uni flops. She has no desire to get on her feet and I worry now reading the thread that they all think they've really landed on their feet with us and are here for the long haul.

Is her husband a UK citizen? This is sounding more and more like an immigration scam - coming here for a degree course without the means to pay for it, and now needing to access public funds in order to stay here. It makes a mockery of immigrants who genuinely come to study and contribute to the UK 😢

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2023 13:02

Tohaveandtohold · 08/09/2023 12:57

This is just ridiculous op. This is not your problem to sort out at all. You’ve done much more than what you’re expected to do, I don’t think herself or her husband had any plans of studying for any masters.

All the whole domestic abuse story, husband stolen her school fees when she’s not even working to get the fees, stories of ‘kidnapping her family members back home’, husband asking her classmates for her time table to show that he wants to go and attack her in school etc sounds like someone just in this country and trying to get some police trail, etc to apply for asylum as this woman does not sound like she has any intention of studying here and all these are made up. Why will her uni be hundreds of miles away to start with.

You are Just being used.
You sound soft which is not a bad thing but it means people can take advantage of you easily. what I’ll advice you to do is to tell her to pack her bags, book her in a premier inn for 3 days in the location of her uni to soften the blow and send her packing.

This. Is she definitely enrolled at the university? And did you say it’s a few hours drive away?