To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

[BasKaro]

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

seem to be spending my working hours with her phone pressed up to my face showing me various tik toks

Push the phone away, tell her you couldn't be less interested and you are supposed to be working, and she needs to leave you alone.

In the longer term, next time she asks for a lift, take her to the police station, tell her she cannot come back to your house and drop her there. Change the locks and text her with details of where and when she can collect her belongings. Then block her.

You sound lovely but it sounds like the more you do for her the less she does for herself so you’re not actually helping her anymore. And none of this is your problem. If you want to help women in this sort of situation volunteer or donate to a charity.

Tell her she is leaving next Monday and follow through. Change the lock if she has a key.

I’d suggest putting her in a pre-paid taxi to the university with her bags Monday morning. She won’t be the first overseas student in a similar situation they have dealt with and they have the resources to help.

Make sure you change your locks after she has left and get a camera such as a ring doorbell in case she tries to come back.

Personally if you know she has no money, I would drive her and a bag of her belongings as far away as you can afford. Dump her and drive away so there is no or little chance of her coming back.

Your husband took her in. He should be the one sorting this mess out.

I'd give her a frank talking to explaining what you've said here, that your patience and goodwill is wearing thin, that her options don't look good without your support so she'd better change her ways right away because you're a hair's breadth from kicking her out.

Then do kick her out if she keeps up like this. It's sad if that leads to a harder life for her but it will be her own doing.

@NotNewButNameChanged2023

Not related or even friends. My husband didn't think it through, but in terms of her I don't really see in a way what else could have been done. Even WA were like " thanks for looking after her because there is nowhere else she can go". I guess because 1)I've been through DV and know how isolating and horrific it can be , especially when you lack support. And 2) it's becoming more.common in our community the fate of students who come here and fall between the gaps, there was a suicide just about 2 m ago really close. But it's really gone out of control now I can see. Without constant "mothering" she won't finish her course, she won't sort out the fees etc. She has some gold she was talking about selling which would pay a chunk of it, plus she does have a working family back home and some work here. But she doesn't try or think of a plan, I think she thinks someone is going to come and hand it all to her on a plate. I got her a great job interview for the same work she did back home and that would have certainly led to her longer term settlement and she didn't bother to revise for the maths/English test. They gave her another chance and an online log in to practice and retake and she never bothered. She's been in UK since Jan and only now has a job because I got my husband to literally take her to every local business with a CV I made. Her husband never had a job at all and his parents send money. I guess after 3m her plan isn't my problem. She had a clear route out, free food and accommodation, even was going to get her driving and she just doesn't bother. There is no magic want for her, I think inevitably her student visa will get cancelled whether due to lack of fees or the fact she doesn't do the work and is failing.

Really needed to hear all this

What the hell is this?!
She’s treating you like her slave and chauffeur, and viewing you with utter distain. I’d have gone mental by now if my selfless hospitality was received like that.
You’ve given her a considerable amount of help and it’s time she gtfo your house.

She’s an interloper. Living in the house of strangers and mooching off you. I can’t for the life of me fathom why you didn’t throw her out as soon as you got back. Your husband is attracted to her whether anything has happened between them or not. You need to tell him to get rid of her and if he won’t kick the pair of them out. This isn’t your situation to resolve, it’s his.

Just stop treating her like she is your actual child! No cooking, cleaning, lifts, days out, handouts. She's on to a good thing with you isn't she - absolutely no motivation to leave whilst you are behaving like this. In fact it's all so mad I can't quite believe this is true.

Can she claim asylum or something if her life is in danger if she leaves the country? Can she speak to the uni and go p/t whilst increasing her working hours to pay for a room in a shared house? Uni emergency fund? There has to be another way around this. You've got to tell her it's over!!

You don't even know this woman... she was the girlfriend of a guy your DH barely knew.

Why the fuck is she in your house... with your kids?

She clearly has family of her own because you reached out to them and you referred her to a women's shelter (which won't do anything if she isn't homeless) and she has a job to support herself... just kick her out.

It’s outrageous that you’re spending money on her that could be going on your children

Time emotional energy, mental bandwidth and money.

Op you are essentially mothering a 26 year old woman - an unrelated and prior to this unknown to you woman.

Wtf am I reading? Your DH let a stranger move into your house, she's rude to you, and contributes nothing?

Give her 2 weeks notice.

She’s a grown woman, she’s been through a horrible time which you have kindly help her escape from, she needs to sort herself out now. The uni will have come across this before and know the best way to handle it. It’s not your responsibility.

So let me recap: a 26 year old woman is living in your home.

Pretending to be an immature teenager- although my teens are smarter!!

She has no funds to support herself, refused (?) to fill out forms to acess funds & help.

She's doing a MASTERS in an forging country and has no basic life skills?

Although I'd prefer to have my husband go through the pita of moving her on, if it was me I wouldn't trust him to do it without there being some emotional consequences, more emails, pleading and inappropriateness on either side.

I'd send her on as nicely as possible without telling either him or her in advance.

Lost me after the first paragraph !

you have her for life Op, she won't go anywhere or do anything for herself unless you cut the ties and the help you are giving her. She knows you are a kind person and she is using that to her advantage.

Wtf
At the very very least she should be earning her bed/food by taking on household chores: cleaning/cooking/gardening for ex. This might help her realize that she is not an invited houseguest.
Stop driving her around also.

@MichelleScarn

Her husband had 2 contracts so he was, but hers has been stopped due to non payment. My husband got her a sim then cancelled it as he felt it was abit much, especially as she is working part time now.

I think the start of her new term is a good point to talk seriously to the uni about her going there - it's 4 /5 hours away but they had said she has to study online due to the risk as hed been calling her classmates for her timetable as he plans to find her there.

Honestly don't think there is any affair, by that's really by the by as emailing someone somewhat randomly a big sob story about how great he is and how I am terrible is more than I accept. Because yes, now I see I am sorting out his mess and at best he is backstabbing the person who is actually putting in the effort and leg work sorting this situation out because he's but hurt i got some praise rather than him, and at worst... well...

She will be limited in the number of hours that she can work. Think it's 20 and that's both paid or unpaid.
It may be her intention to not continue with her studies but only she will know that.

I'd not be assisting her. Let the uni deal with it.
I suspect she'll rail against being taken to the uni to confront her situation. She's moved around a fair bit in such a short term already.

This is absolutely ridiculous. I am so sorry for you having to go through all this drama that your husband brought in your home.

As she has nrpf, Hestia/women's aid/ any idva should be able to support her to apply for the dv concession which would allow her to be accommodated in a refuge. People with nrpf who are victims of dv can apply for this concession and it may grant them recourse.

You should signpost her to the services and also call adults social care who may be able to help.

This isn't your responsibility and you have already done too much for a very ungrateful person!

Pack her stuff up and get her out, she is taking the piss out of you and your home ! You've been generous enough, she isn't your problem.

Kick her out. This is so unfair on your kids to be living in this environment. Why the hell are you paying for all this and putting up with all this????

Given most people prefectly understand the OP, the issue is your comprehension.

Fuck me @BasKaro of course she’s not going to change when you are spoon feeding her. Sir her down tonight and tell her she is an adult, she is sorting everything out herself and you have given her all the options and she is leaving on Monday. You’re buying her new bedding?
Contact student services and tell them she is homeless as of Monday.
Are you in the U.K.?
Spend the weekend writing everything down for her, the contact numbers for police, woman’s aid, her tutor, university accommodation everything. So you feel you’ve done enough and then kick her out. It’s lovely yoi want to help someone, but some people won’t help themselves.
But long term you need to leave your DH. No one throws their partner under the bus to get their ego stroked, and he’s left this mess to you.