To be fed up of the girl staying with me ?

[BasKaro]

I am having a bit of a vent , but I need to offload somewhere....

A girl we don't know has ended up at our house. My husband slightly knew hers (friend of a friend) and my husband got called when they got "kicked out" of their accommodation. He told my husband the landlord was being bad (they are a student and dependant so it is common) but it transpired he had been beating her, severely, and the landlord asked them to leave because of that. I was away when this all happened, but came home to the girl being here, the husband was kicked out after one day by my husband (I'd have not let him in the door but I didn't know anything).

So, I've "taken over", got her to hospital, reported to the police , linked her with womens aid etc. etc. I've been through abuse, I really get it. I've literally held her hand through every wobble, been at every appointment shes asked me to, bought her things to cheer her up (I mean at least make a few minutes abit brighter in her day) and been really on the back of the police/solicitors etc .

But omg I think I'm going to break. She has a very part time job as she needs to save for her fees as he took the money (we take zero rent, zero for food, we buy everything basic or even trips out for context). It's maybe 15 min walk in q safe, lit area. She calls all the time for a lift from my husband and one day he said abit bluntly that she can walk, he's in the other direction with the kids at a park. She didn't speak to him for 2 days. I tried to make a joke of it and "joke scold" him to break the tension but then she was just so rude, telling him to get out of the kitchen where she was, brushing her hands at him. She isn't shy at all but she just won't eat unless it's cooked her her and to her liking. I thought it was awkwardness or shyness but it's not. Sometimes she'll come to me with some work for me (emailing her uni or something) and be like "is there anything to eat?". Like yesterday I just had toast while she slept and said I had toast and she sort of sniffed and walked away. We took her out with us and she said it was boring (just 2h at a farm thing with the kids) and sniffed her way around while on the phone. Sometimes I hear her giggling away on the phone and then she'll see im home and come out of the room past me, sniffing away. When anything isn't going her way (like her husband called mine and he told her the next day and she was screeching at him that he should have said and wasn't satisfied with the answers my husband was giving). When I finally found her husband (police couldn't find) I needed some info asap from her and she just was faffing and gossiping away about irrelevant info (when searching for the person the husband was staying with she commented the surname was of a "lower" caste so was like "fake screaming" about it and researching that when I desperately needed address info so I could notify the police asap before he left. Bearing in mind police have been looking 3m for him. When I was upset about her and my husband emailing about me at 11pm (he emailed her a big bitchy email.about me and she never told me, despite wanting every crumb of info about her husband from us) , she suddenly "had cancer". She doesn't, she saw she had hpv in her smear which was a month previous.
Anyway, I feel like now she is not eating for attention . I don't know how to deal with it. When she does this before my husband called her dad and she kind of "got off on it" and I think it's set a precedent.... I don't know. My husband is very unsympathetic, he just tunes out. I have mixed feelings, obviously she is going through a hell of a time but I feel like if I run around literally spoon feeding her it's going to spiral. There is everything she says she likes here, she isn't shy to ask for cakes or biscuits or whatever when out, isn't shy to go to the kitchen when we are here or house empty , she'll happily ask for expensive face creams or parlour visits so it's really not that.
What do I do?

I'd just leave and leave the dh and used to it!

User

I still wouldn't be so sure.

That went down like a lead balloon. I didn't want to do anything today because we are going away for 2 nights in the morning, but I said to H I can't cope anymore mostly with the entitlement/doesn't seem to want help . I said she needs an exit plan, not US to make it but pointed out more her lack of her own. I said also there is alot of things she needs to do and didn't and I don't want to chase her for them (like log the bail breaches) and he said call her down, make a list. I said I've done lists and leave it for today as I don't want any argument between us two before we go away (first time in 5 years ). Anyway he called her down and she did exactly as I predicted, sulked that we were giving her things to do (it was more like making sure she had the numbers ) and then she backtracked on the bail breach and H turned on me. I said not my case but the police DID say to log it infront of me and if she told something wrong to the police it needed correcting. Anyway now apparently I hate her, im nasty, im all sorts of things because I'm qt the end of my tether. He's on one hand pointing fingers at nasty me and also asked her if she has somewhere to go and shes apparently said she's gonna go to India. I'm not there now and told my H "good".... oh again how nasty i am..... I'm out, he's angry, she's a poor victim but at least the band aid has been ripped off, albeit not exactly in the way I thought but more from my Hs own knee jerk "you haaaate her, you want her out, ill send her out" thing. Ill update when she goes, im not home for a while, I don't want to be dragged into their drama at the moment.

Why is your dh supporting her instead of listening to you?

I hope this doesn’t ruin your weekend away.

On Monday, action needs to be taken.

100% 🤣 if I was here on the first days no.1 he'd have not set one foot in the house, he'd have been plopped off at the police station. And I am unsure about her but I presume the police would have sorted something? I have no idea what he was thinking , it's I guess not seen as terrible as we see it (he's from the same country as them and did balk when I went ahead and called the police immediately when I found out).

You are talking shit. You would have done it all so different and been so assertive, yet here you are with her upsetting your daily life and can’t even ask her to move out. Grow a backbone

Please don't tell me you are leaving her in your house while you're away

She needs to be gone before you go away.

I would not tell dh but I would get some cctv cameras up in the house that you can view remotely in case she comes back in and calling the police to say someone was in your house.

Personally I would be telling dh that if he is so concerned about her and thinks you are so nasty he might as well pack his bags as well and leave with her. I certainly wouldn’t be going anywhere if she is still around.

One sure fire way to get rid of her one way or another is to tell her to be gone before you go away. If she is still there then you will call her husband and tell him exactly where she is.

Harsh but atm she hasn’t got any reason to leave and if your dh doesn’t like it then then he can help her pack

This isn't your problem and your good nature has been used and manipulated into thinking it is! Not fair. The one point I'd be cautious of is that if the support services available to her have an inkling that you've been 'available', they may try to offload her onto you!! Women's crisis centres are desperately underfunded and bereft of space in refuges. I'm afraid you are going to have to come on strong and tell them in no uncertain terms that she can't stay with you. I'm assuming that you are the same nationality as this girl? That's another reason why women's crisis centres will feel it's better if she stays with you. You have been put in a rotten situation TBH. Your husband should get more involved and help you.

I don’t get any of this, least of all the £8k in fees you mentioned. She’s an international student, autumn term doesn’t start until later this month. A year’s Masters would cost upwards of £25k for an international student.

I think you are being led a dance.

At this point, the most logical answer is that posters are correct about him fancying her or something has gone on between them. Sorry op. I would be really concerned about leaving her alone in your home.

Im.not the same nationality, even by heritage if that makes sense. I am their religion though.
H has a disgusting trait that he does tend to side with whatever is against me, I've blocked his calls at the moment but he started calling off her phone and says now I don't hate her, I can't be bothered with whatever he says. He jumped on me even though I've had to rein him in so many times for being unsympathetic and suddenly its all on me. I wash my hands of it all. I know if she backtracks on the whole thing I'll be "blamed" for calling the police and encouraging her to tell the truth to the doctors etc. Now I see why people just don't get involved . I think they are phoning me now because they realise they've cut their noses off to spite their faces by 1)him telling her to go like asap and 2) her saying she'll go to india. Maybe they thought I'd stop them, or did out of anger now regret it because its very easy to make flippant statements like shes now off to India, the reality is very different. She can certainly afford a one way ticket. And, she does have some extended family in the UK too.
Hopefully she'll be gone by the time I get back, hoping they both have enough flounce in them to make sure the bags are packed and shes gone to his friends like he said.

@CriticalAlert Yes, I feel the police, WA,.social services etc were all just glad not to have to deal with finding her accommodation etc. SS have deemed her not a vulnerable adult by their definition. Anyway, im past the point where I care about being hated about being the bad guy now, it'll just be another nail in the coffin of the melodrama if she is still there and not going to Hs friend or India because then ill really know they said that just for a reaction.
I won't be going away now anyway . She was going to be in the house , another reason I wanted nothing said today but now I cannot bare 2 days with H and all this. Plus I can't risk her torching the place /s

This is the craziest thing I have read in a long time.

I've read from the start, to the latest updates.

No offense, but you haven't put your children first. It's abhorrent actually.

You had no idea who this woman was, she could be capable of absolutely anything and you invited her into your home and let her stay long term with your children! I would love to know what SS would think of you and your H's behavior towards your own children's safety, never mind a 26 year old womans welfare.

No more of this utter bull - get back to your home, you tell her she is leaving NOW. Make sure she packs her bags, or pack them for her if she refuses. You tell her to leave tonight. If she refuses, you call the police.

It is not your responsibility to find her somewhere to stay, or pay her taxi, or give her any kind of financial support. She should be able to afford a cheap hotel for one night until tomorrow when she can think of a better plan.

It is NOT your responsibility.

I feel bad for your children. They have a right to feel safe and secure on their own home. This will affect them in years to come more ways than you can imagine if you don't grow a backbone.

She leaves TONIGHT. Not the morning, next week,next month.

She's an adult, she can look after herself.

As for the H, I'd be cleaning up this mess first then once done with, I'd be kicking him out also.

Why can’t she go home and do her masters there.

You said earlier that you had a plan in place for you to leave? What's stopping you? What do you need to help and perhaps we can help you that way.

She is a complete side issue (albrit a large one) and just one element of an already difficult life.

Stop focusing on her as opposed to you. I know it's easier and think that's why you do it. You were trying to help her when what you really need is someone to show you the same kindness and compassion that you initially showed her.

Your husband is a horrible, abusive man.

she does have some extended family in the UK too.

Right so this is even less to do with you. Well done for putting your foot down. Your DH sounds like a twat not backing you up and it does seem like there's more to it, in terms of what's going on between them, but the main thing is to get her gone and then you can deal with him as a bigger, separate issue. Perhaps when you look back, it will seem like she was there to push you to this point of action, where you stop taking people's shit and start backing yourself. She'll be gone and you'll be left stronger and able to stand up to your DH.

Incidentally, whoever said the female equivalent of cocklodger was henlodger - I don't think the cock is the avian variety, so it would surely be fannylodger or something much less pleasant!

Does your religion include males having more than one wife?

If so, I wouldn't be surprised that he has married her.

It's just bizarre and I don't believe her version of events leading up to her allegedly having nowhere else to go.

I think you've been lied to and duped.

Came in the door, he's in the kitchen topless (that is typical for him but still) and she scurried off upstairs.

He can't have another wife, we are a different religion. But it's gone beyond all bounds of appropriateness

Why is she still in your house?

I wouldn't be letting her stay, not knowing what she is like or anything about her past and I certainly wouldn't be sleeping soundly there with her in a foul mood.

Where are your children while all this nonsense is going on?

I feel for your dc, if I was living next door to and hearing this shit going on I'd be calling social and probably the police because of potential risk to the kids welfare.
Woman up and kick her out, do it for your kids if nothing else.

@BasKaro

Did you husband promise this woman's family that he would take responsibility for her if anything happened with her husband?