Page 7 | Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 2023-09-08T06:12:04+00:00

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days. Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth. He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc. I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now. He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday. I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish. The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out. I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state. The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

BusyMummy55 · 08/09/2023 21:59

I wrote YANBU, though only on the basis that you are entitled to feel however you want to feel at the moment ❤️
Generally, I'm quite split on it... I would say normally it would depend on the relationship you have and how much you support each other.

I think I would be upset in your situation, but part of me would be annoyed with myself for feeling that way...
Being a parent, especially of a newborn is hard and especially after a C-section, so you should both definitely support each other to get to do something fun when possible... unfortunately, from my experience, the mothers get a bit of rotten end of a stick during the first few months just because how babies are wired... 🥰

He sounds like a caring guy, who clearly loves you and the kids very much and he is trying in his manly way to support you, while maybe trying to remain sane by clearing his head with his friends...

In my opinion, you should let him know of your worries and try together to find ways how to address them, but at the same time you should insist he goes on this trip as long as you arrange some nice time for you both, without the older kids, to spend together after he returns. How about you accompany him on part of his golfing with a pram one day?

Also if possible, you should talk together, how to prepare the house for the visitors without you overstraining. Could MIL help out with that?

So in summary, I think you have a great guy, who loves you a lot, so just try to work through stuff together 🥰

Josell12345 · 08/09/2023 22:22

Having had 5 sections between 36 and 16 years ago, with some authority I can say hes been a thoughtless selfish twat. And Id be absolutely livid. For all the reasons listed above. Im not suprised youre upset.

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 08/09/2023 22:25

Not on my watch!

Josell12345 · 08/09/2023 22:30

Im baffled why his mother didnt tell him. I have 36 and 35 yr old sons and theyd be told straight away.
Re the section, as I said prev, I had 5 sections and by 3 weeks I was back doing housework-even some vacuuming. And I was pretty rubbish after the earlier ones. My dil's both had more recent sections and were practically bouncing out of hospital and recovered much better/faster than me, so Im puzzled as to why doing the hw is so difficult. HOWEVER I still think going off to play golf when on parernity is totally missing the point OF maternity leave- ie spend time bonding with baby and supporting you in caring for him/her. So thoughtless and selfish and your mil should be telling him. Shes his bloody mother and this is a fail on her part too!

FlyingPandas · 08/09/2023 22:40

BusyMummy55 · 08/09/2023 21:59

I wrote YANBU, though only on the basis that you are entitled to feel however you want to feel at the moment ❤️
Generally, I'm quite split on it... I would say normally it would depend on the relationship you have and how much you support each other.

I think I would be upset in your situation, but part of me would be annoyed with myself for feeling that way...
Being a parent, especially of a newborn is hard and especially after a C-section, so you should both definitely support each other to get to do something fun when possible... unfortunately, from my experience, the mothers get a bit of rotten end of a stick during the first few months just because how babies are wired... 🥰

He sounds like a caring guy, who clearly loves you and the kids very much and he is trying in his manly way to support you, while maybe trying to remain sane by clearing his head with his friends...

In my opinion, you should let him know of your worries and try together to find ways how to address them, but at the same time you should insist he goes on this trip as long as you arrange some nice time for you both, without the older kids, to spend together after he returns. How about you accompany him on part of his golfing with a pram one day?

Also if possible, you should talk together, how to prepare the house for the visitors without you overstraining. Could MIL help out with that?

So in summary, I think you have a great guy, who loves you a lot, so just try to work through stuff together 🥰

God, this post is depressing, and sums up exactly why so many women are so downtrodden and conditioned to accept the bare minimum and be grateful!

OP, nothing about what you have written suggests to me that this is a 'great guy' who 'loves you a lot'. Everything you write suggests that your DH is a bit of a selfish manchild who will always put himself first.

You are right that he shouldn't even be thinking about going on this trip. You should in all honesty have spelled it out for him - it sounds like he's conditioned you to be accepting, submissive and non-argumentative - but at the same time you shouldn't have needed to spell it out for him.

I am the mother of three sons and if any of mine ever try to pull that kind of stunt in the future I'll be telling them straight away that they're out of order. That if they even need to ask if they could go on this kind of jaunt - i.e if they don't instinctively realise that they shouldn't go - then they're failing their children and the mother of those children and that I've clearly failed as a mother too if I've raised men who are such useless fathers. I would be so fucking angry, if he was a son of mine.

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 23:27

@viques

He does have a job, he is on paternity leave currently.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 08/09/2023 23:29

But money is an issue since he’s on leave but spending only on himself.

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 23:35

@Josell12345

I am doing some housework now. I wasn't able to do any at first so it's piled up. I was told no vacuuming yet. Maybe it depends on your Dr. But I still personally am quite sore. I was told not to do anything that makes the pain worse.

OP posts:

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 23:42

He left on the golf trip today. It's clear that I need to communicate with him better.

He did a few dishes before he went but then called his mom telling her he wasn't able to get to the rest before he left. So now she's feeling guilted into offering to come over and do those things. Which she shouldn't be doing as she watched the 4yo all day, took us all to the pool, and is having them for a sleepover tonight, and taking us out for coffee tomorrow. All without any help as my FIL is also on this trip. So I'm cross that he tried to palm it off on her.

OP posts:

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 23:43

The one thing I asked him to do was water the outside plants before he left and he's not even done that. He forgot.

OP posts:

Hollyppp · 08/09/2023 23:43

Absolutely book a cleaner pronto. Do it first thing tomorrow morningn

Original poster

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 23:44

@Appleofmyeye2023

Wow, this makes me want to visit a physical therapist.

OP posts:

Hollyppp · 08/09/2023 23:45

Josell12345 · 08/09/2023 22:30

Im baffled why his mother didnt tell him. I have 36 and 35 yr old sons and theyd be told straight away.
Re the section, as I said prev, I had 5 sections and by 3 weeks I was back doing housework-even some vacuuming. And I was pretty rubbish after the earlier ones. My dil's both had more recent sections and were practically bouncing out of hospital and recovered much better/faster than me, so Im puzzled as to why doing the hw is so difficult. HOWEVER I still think going off to play golf when on parernity is totally missing the point OF maternity leave- ie spend time bonding with baby and supporting you in caring for him/her. So thoughtless and selfish and your mil should be telling him. Shes his bloody mother and this is a fail on her part too!

Edited

It’s not good to be bouncing around after a section, you can weaken your scar tissue causing future issues.
It takes restraint but you really need to take it easy after a section to look after your body long term

Whatshername99 · 09/09/2023 00:13

I have a husband who puts golfing before EVERYTHING! It's like an addiction!
He's gone off on full week golf trips - oh how I do enjoy the peace though haha!

Your husband is being totally selfish in this scenario!
Paternity leave is for helping you/family out, NOT swanning off on a golf trip - that's what his annual leave is for later on in the year!
Too late now but I would've insisted he cancelled the trip!
Make sure he does ALL the housework when he's back!
Take care.

Ponderingwindow · 09/09/2023 00:16

Even without the incoming guests and the fact that he has been slacking on the housework, he should know better than to leave his wife recovering from major abdominal surgery home alone with 3 young children.

You shouldn’t need to say anything.

do not clean. You may hurt yourself. You are already doing too much. Either hire someone or leave all of it for him.

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 00:17

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:39

@diddl

He hasn't been keeping on top of the mess. Our sons will clean up but only if asked/supervised. He's been keeping on top of dishes and laundry but the general clutter that builds up with 5 people in a house, no.

I hoped he would decide not to go. He asked me if I thought he should not go. At that moment I was so hurt that he still was considering going that I couldn't answer. We had our children in the car and I didn't want a scene in front of them. We never have lost our tempers with one another and I don't want to start now.

I think if I would have told him I needed him to stay he would have done it for sure. He would have been disappointed but not resentful. But I feel that he shouldn't have even entertained going at all. Even 3 weeks after a normal birth I wouldn't want him to go. But 3 weeks after a c section, definitely not.

My ~DH, son and sons-in-law wouldn't have wanted to be away any sooner than they had to from their newborns.

He shouldn't have needed asking. But he needs to know how you really feel about all of it

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 00:18

BusyMummy55 · 08/09/2023 21:59

I wrote YANBU, though only on the basis that you are entitled to feel however you want to feel at the moment ❤️
Generally, I'm quite split on it... I would say normally it would depend on the relationship you have and how much you support each other.

I think I would be upset in your situation, but part of me would be annoyed with myself for feeling that way...
Being a parent, especially of a newborn is hard and especially after a C-section, so you should both definitely support each other to get to do something fun when possible... unfortunately, from my experience, the mothers get a bit of rotten end of a stick during the first few months just because how babies are wired... 🥰

He sounds like a caring guy, who clearly loves you and the kids very much and he is trying in his manly way to support you, while maybe trying to remain sane by clearing his head with his friends...

In my opinion, you should let him know of your worries and try together to find ways how to address them, but at the same time you should insist he goes on this trip as long as you arrange some nice time for you both, without the older kids, to spend together after he returns. How about you accompany him on part of his golfing with a pram one day?

Also if possible, you should talk together, how to prepare the house for the visitors without you overstraining. Could MIL help out with that?

So in summary, I think you have a great guy, who loves you a lot, so just try to work through stuff together 🥰

What thread are you reading?

Great guy my arse

TheShellBeach · 09/09/2023 00:23

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:25

@TropicalTrama

He has been helping with the baby while he's been home.

Helping?
With his own child?

Raise your standards, OP. The children are not just yours to raise, with a bit of "help" from their other parent.

Codlingmoths · 09/09/2023 00:50

I think you need to be more clear on communicating but first things first- you need a weekend away in a hotel with baby. Either next weekend or in 3 weeks if you’re not cleared to drive next weekend but book it now. Tell him I’m disappointed you left us for a weekend of your hobby and you didn’t even do the couple of things I asked you to. I have booked a weekend away for me and baby so I can spend the weekend relaxing somewhere clean and fresh instead of staring at my dirty house because you apparently ‘don’t see dirt’ and didn’t know bathrooms get cleaned apparently. Talk to his mum - hopefully you can add your mum says it’s a great idea , which she certainly didn’t say when you told her about your golf trip and she also says she is busy that weekend and tired from giving us so much help for your golf weekend , it’s not like you will have the baby so you can parent your own children and clean your own house, I will leave a list.

MonicaPluto · 09/09/2023 01:03

BusyMummy55 · 08/09/2023 21:59

I wrote YANBU, though only on the basis that you are entitled to feel however you want to feel at the moment ❤️
Generally, I'm quite split on it... I would say normally it would depend on the relationship you have and how much you support each other.

I think I would be upset in your situation, but part of me would be annoyed with myself for feeling that way...
Being a parent, especially of a newborn is hard and especially after a C-section, so you should both definitely support each other to get to do something fun when possible... unfortunately, from my experience, the mothers get a bit of rotten end of a stick during the first few months just because how babies are wired... 🥰

He sounds like a caring guy, who clearly loves you and the kids very much and he is trying in his manly way to support you, while maybe trying to remain sane by clearing his head with his friends...

In my opinion, you should let him know of your worries and try together to find ways how to address them, but at the same time you should insist he goes on this trip as long as you arrange some nice time for you both, without the older kids, to spend together after he returns. How about you accompany him on part of his golfing with a pram one day?

Also if possible, you should talk together, how to prepare the house for the visitors without you overstraining. Could MIL help out with that?

So in summary, I think you have a great guy, who loves you a lot, so just try to work through stuff together 🥰

Being a parent, especially of a newborn is hard and especially after a C-section, so you should both definitely support each other to get to do something fun when possible...

Aside from having a baby, she's recovering from a major surgery. She needs recovery, not fun. He doesn't need fun. He needs to be doing stuff around the house and looking after the baby and other kids so that the OP can recover well.
Imagine if a man had major surgery and his wife went off for a few days and left him looking after a newborn. Everyone would be shocked and think she was awful.

but at the same time you should insist he goes on this trip as long as you arrange some nice time for you both, without the older kids, to spend together after he returns. How about you accompany him on part of his golfing with a pram one day?

He's gone now, but on what planet should someone recovering from major surgery insist that their partner goes on a trip, while they're left holding the baby........and then go off and accompany them on a golf trip which most people wouldn't want to do at the best of times and certainly not when recovering from surgery, with a newborn. Wtf

Also if possible, you should talk together, how to prepare the house for the visitors without you overstraining. Could MIL help out with that?

Why the MIL? why can't the husband do it? The one who hasn't had surgery...who lives in the house and who just had a fun trip away?

So in summary, I think you have a great guy, who loves you a lot, so just try to work through stuff together

He doesn't sound all that great at all. Postpartum women deserve better than that.

ETA. Sorry meant to delete the quoted post as I quoted individual parts, but it won't let me remove it with an edit.

Lavender14 · 09/09/2023 01:14

My dh wouldn't have dreamt of doing that. He was home every minute he could be also because he wanted as much time with ds as he could and he was very aware that I was still uncomfortable and tired.

You shouldn't need to ask he should know himself but I think this is one where you need to be up front and say that you're still recovering from major surgery, you've a tiny baby who won't sleep much and other kids who need looking after and you still need his help at home and ask him not to go. If that ends in a fight then tbh I'd let him go so I didn't need to look at him. I'd see if anyone can stay with you while he's away and when he gets back and you feel better you need a serious conversation about division of labour and taking you for granted. At 3 weeks after my section I tore my stitches trying to put my pram up to get to my midwife appointment alone because dh had to go back to work. I got an infection and it took ages to get it healed again. This is absolutely not the time to push yourself. I'm raging for you. You shouldn't need to contend with him being lazy and selfish when you're in such a vulnerable, exhausted, hormonal and emotional place. He's really out of order and he should have cancelled it when he knew your due date.

Codlingmoths · 09/09/2023 01:21

@MonicaPluto 🙌🏾 let him have some fun! Maybe after he’s had his fun, you could take baby along to watch his fun! As long as you’ve cleaned the house, unless your mil can help you do that. Your mil should really help because you know what’s important when you’re looking after a new born and recovering from surgery and your husband is away golfing, not having done the stuff you asked him to? It’s planning some alone time with your husband.

Jesus Christ in a cream cheese sauce.

JFDIYOLO · 09/09/2023 01:31

Cancel the guests.

You have JUST had major surgery.

The selfish people not thinking to postpone their visit or at the very least not getting a hotel 🧐

Ask his mother and any other relative / friend's wife to speak to him and tell him very sternly not to be so fucking selfish and step up and do his duty to his wife and family.

Get him to pay for a cleaner if he won't do it himself. If he can afford a golf trip he can do that.

The selfish arse.

bobcat2424 · 09/09/2023 01:36

I think his priorities are completely skewed and this is going to take some re-addressing.

You are absolutely right to be unhappy with this. And the more you put up with.. the worse it will get.

Have you thought about booking a girls break for when you are ready?

Also, I've met lots of men on 'golfing holidays' I don't want to upset you but don't assume that these are always innocent trips away. Are you friends with the other wives?

I would start planning my return to work and my own 'golfing holiday'

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/09/2023 01:50

Your husband is a fucking prick. And whoever "cleared" you to do housework at 3 weeks post-partum and post major abdominal surgery is a fucking prick too.

Don't you lift a finger for a minimum of 6 weeks.

And as for your husband "helping you", when he gets home, he can get off to fuck as you should be resting and looking after baby only.

You're damn right to be upset, he's on paternity leave, not annual leave.

Selfish, selfish man.