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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

566 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:12

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

OP posts:
bobcat2424 · 09/09/2023 02:01

And money for a golf trip.. but no money for a cleaner..

Just because this may be normal for your MIL, who enables this...

and unfortunately raised a man that thinks this behaviour is ok...

Does not mean that you should accept this!!!

Don't be a doormat.. you are correct to be upset.

Do you have any family or friends nearby? X

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 02:20

@bobcat2424

All my family lives overseas. I do have friends. I'm almost embarrassed to ask because everyone knows my husband is on leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 02:21

Now my DS 4 seems to be getting an ear infection. FGS.

OP posts:
bobcat2424 · 09/09/2023 02:35

Don't be embarrassed, this is on him and not on you.

He should feel embarrassed and maybe you should let him feel that.

There are no prizes for being superwoman. In fact, the more you do, the more that is expected of you. And you actually get less respect for it.

Time to put your foot down (from someone now that has but should have years ago)! X

Duckingella · 09/09/2023 02:42

Another selfish man treating paternity leave likes it's a freaking holiday for him.

mathanxiety · 09/09/2023 02:50

Every time I think I've seen it all here, someone's post about an utter twat makes me wonder yet again 'WTF is wrong with men?'

If I were you I'd greet him when he returns with the news that you're off to your mother's with the baby and he's responsible for the cleaning and prep for the visitors who are staying for a week (what's all that about though?) and all their entertainment when they're there, plus all the care of the older two.

I would just completely drop the ball, in other words, and he can see how it feels when someone you rely on lets you down comprehensively.

Paternity leave isn't supposed to be a bloody holiday for the father.

QueenBitch666 · 09/09/2023 03:22

It's beyond me that women put up with selfish bell ends like this

SunRainStorm · 09/09/2023 03:36

BusyMummy55 · 08/09/2023 21:59

I wrote YANBU, though only on the basis that you are entitled to feel however you want to feel at the moment ❤️
Generally, I'm quite split on it... I would say normally it would depend on the relationship you have and how much you support each other.

I think I would be upset in your situation, but part of me would be annoyed with myself for feeling that way...
Being a parent, especially of a newborn is hard and especially after a C-section, so you should both definitely support each other to get to do something fun when possible... unfortunately, from my experience, the mothers get a bit of rotten end of a stick during the first few months just because how babies are wired... 🥰

He sounds like a caring guy, who clearly loves you and the kids very much and he is trying in his manly way to support you, while maybe trying to remain sane by clearing his head with his friends...

In my opinion, you should let him know of your worries and try together to find ways how to address them, but at the same time you should insist he goes on this trip as long as you arrange some nice time for you both, without the older kids, to spend together after he returns. How about you accompany him on part of his golfing with a pram one day?

Also if possible, you should talk together, how to prepare the house for the visitors without you overstraining. Could MIL help out with that?

So in summary, I think you have a great guy, who loves you a lot, so just try to work through stuff together 🥰

Jesus wept.

Mystro202 · 09/09/2023 03:43

No advice really but my dh is just as selfish. Stag last weekend when baby was 3 weeks. Luckily my dm was here to help as we have other dc. Mine does nothing to help around the house, not even to save face when my dm is here. She has never said anything to me but I get the impression she wonders why everything is left to me. My df was the same, absolutely no help around the house.

SunRainStorm · 09/09/2023 03:55

Book this man in for a vasectomy on a Friday, and then book a spa weekend for yourself immediately following it.

Don't do any housework, laundry or cooking to prepare.

It's a minor surgery compared to your major one, but perhaps leaving him in charge of a house and children when he should be resting will give him some insight into what he's done to you.

I'm sure MIL will be horrified, because what parent would think of being so selfish?

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 04:10

I ate dinner with my MIL, got the older kids settled in bed at hers.

Gave DS4 some ibuprofen, hopefully he feels better in the am. If not, MIL said she'll come with me to the Drs. I'm feeling terrible because he should really be at home, I think it's probably an ear infection. But MIL said she feels bad if I have to get up with him and with baby.

DH just called me, apparently he won't be home until after bed time for the kids tomorrow, which I didn't know about until now, which upset me. She said she would come over and help get the kids to bed, but she shouldn't have to do that. So I'll have to just figure it out I guess.

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 09/09/2023 04:33

mathanxiety · 09/09/2023 02:50

Every time I think I've seen it all here, someone's post about an utter twat makes me wonder yet again 'WTF is wrong with men?'

If I were you I'd greet him when he returns with the news that you're off to your mother's with the baby and he's responsible for the cleaning and prep for the visitors who are staying for a week (what's all that about though?) and all their entertainment when they're there, plus all the care of the older two.

I would just completely drop the ball, in other words, and he can see how it feels when someone you rely on lets you down comprehensively.

Paternity leave isn't supposed to be a bloody holiday for the father.

The visitors are her family, not his. Doubt he'll give 2 fucks about "entertaining" them.

TrishM80 · 09/09/2023 04:36

I'll add golfers to my list of types of people you should avoid marrying at all costs, along with gamers and drug users!

Sapphire387 · 09/09/2023 04:45

Honestly? His behaviour is awful.

You shouldn't have even had to tell him. But I am curious as to why you didn't tell him you didn't want him to go - what was your reasoning?

HungryandIknowit · 09/09/2023 04:54

Poor behaviour on his part. You should have told him he's being selfish though (despite it being obvious). Perhaps next time he has major surgery you should go on holiday without the kids.

RedToothBrush · 09/09/2023 05:10

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:25

@Nagado

That's so true, I didn't think about it like that. He knows I can't manage the older two right now so unless he asked someone else he wouldn't be able to go.

I told my MIL I wasn't happy about it. She said he had asked her whether she thought he should go and she said that's up to him. I think he was trying to get her to give him the thumbs up but she remained non committal. think she's not best pleased with him but trying not to take sides.

You are wrong.

She says she isn't taking sides, but then enables his behaviour. By saying she will help you, she gives him a green light to fuck off to the golf.

Not taking sides would be saying, I am busy and unable to help, you will have to work it out between you.

Instead, she allows him to mentally say 'oh it's alright, mum is there'. Which is revealing in itself. He sees himself as above child care and the responsibility of the women in his life.

He needs telling straight by both you and her that it's inappropriate timing and really not ok. Golf shouldn't be his priority right now and the fact it is speaks volumes about his level of respect for you.

MariaVT65 · 09/09/2023 05:10

fedupnow2 · 08/09/2023 20:15

He definitely is, but op didn't say anything so she's also to blame. I'm baffled by that. I've had a baby recently and I can't even my dh doing something like this. And if he did, I would say something. Why wouldn't I unless im some martyr.

Show quote history

Doesn’t make him any less of a dick for wanting to go in the first place, regardless of whether OP says something or not. And I certaintly didn’t have my wits about me when I was incredibly sleep deprived recoverying from major surgery, so I can understand why OP didn’t say anything.

OhDoh · 09/09/2023 05:15

Firstly congratulations on baby, try enjoy these newborn snuggles as much as you can. Secondly I'm fuming for you OP. A C section is rough and major surgery and he's left you to it.

your MIL though sounds like an angel. I'm glad you have at least some decent support from her.

You really do need to communicate with him better though. Be straight up and tell him what he needs to do.

Please be careful doing too much, I did at three weeks and split my stitches and give myself an infection which made everything 50 times worse. Xx

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2023 05:25

Wow. Just wow. Your H is a selfish, lazy bastard.
If that had been my husband 3 weeks after having a c-section mentioning a golf weekend away, he'd have been laughed out of the door!
Mind you, I'm sorry but I can't help but be totally frustrated with you as well. When he asked you if you thought he should go (he shouldn't have even considered it but hey ho), why on earth didn't you speak up?!!!! And the time since?
I get he went to the tournament thing last weekend because that was the end of the season and it was during the day but a golf jolly while he's on PATERNITY leave? No fucking way.
It seems that he thinks it's fine to just call mummy and she'll come and do the parenting that HE should be doing. Unattractive tosser.

Midl · 09/09/2023 05:29

My DH goes on an annual trip like this with his guy friends, but when we had our kids (I had sections as well) he didn't join them for a couple of years. He also stopped playing cricket every Saturday in summer and football. He stopped all of that for a few years.

I can't remember if you said that he's left already or not, but you should send him a link to this thread. If he ends up going, I hope his friends have a huge go at him.

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 05:35

@rainbowstardrops

I should have spoken up. Honestly it made me feel so low that he was even considering it, that it almost left me speechless. I know I need to to say something, but I'm sure he'll just say 'why didn't you tell me before '. But he shouldn't have needed to be told. This is the third golf outing since our baby was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 05:37

@Midl

He did tell me when I raised it while pregnant, that he has 'hardly gamed at all recently' his other hobby. Another gem from him recently was that he had 'hardly golfed this year compared to last'.

Meanwhile all my hobbies and enjoyment are on the back burner and I'm expected to be ok with that I suppose.

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 05:52

Bloody selfish.
it would be a hard no way from me.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 09/09/2023 05:54

Third golf outing since baby was born via C-section?

No more, unless he would like to take the 4 yr old and 6 year old with him?

THIRD? You must speak up. This is just really really unfair and thoughtless.

I do understand your viewpoint/hope that he should be able to figure out on his own how inappropriate all this "he" time he is getting at your expense, but even if you had had a vaginal birth three golf trips in three weeks is just ridiculous! But adding in that you are only three weeks post abdominal surgery turns it into a special kind of neglect. He is neglecting his duties.

Did I read it right that your father in law is also on this golf trip? If so, great role model and he should have told his son to skip the golf and take care of his wife and children.

THREE golf outings already?!?

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 05:56

You are going to end up completely overwhelmed and burnt out unless you become much more assertive.