Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

Ei honestly think that everytime he plays golf you should have some time out the day after, if he says anything I’d literally say ‘you’ve played golf this week, I’m having the same amount of time for me doing something for me!!
Hold costa a bloody fortune too!.. I find it all very selfish!
are you sore your sons anxiety isn’t linked to the father going off and spending time away from DS… maybe DS feels like he comes second too?!
I stayed with my selfish husband for years longer than I should’ve… we split last year and my daughter asked me why I hadn’t thrown him out years ago…. Apparently she’s been thinking for years that he doesn’t treat me very nicely and she’s admitted to finding him difficult to live with!…. She was apparently scared of him, didn’t like how unhappy I was and didn’t want to say anything encase she upset either of us!
my god father was a golfer, his wife got sick of golf and eventually left him…. She was so upset that as soon as he met another woman he gave up golf to keep her happy!!!

I think men are so inconsiderate…. When I was pregnant I was sick about 20 times a day… my ex husband hates being indoors and would moan so much that I’d force myself to do dog walks (puking in bushes) and force myself to walk round garden centres and shops feeling like crap … I used to have to slowly sip macdonalds milkshake as that’s the only thing that seemed to keep me from being sick… it was awful!! He even insisted we still do a 3 week tour of france in a motorhome … we were driving round twisty roads with me holding a sick bucket and feeling terrible! …. Men really can be selfish and thoughtless!
Even though I was sick throughout then had a forceps delivery he still went out drinking with friends coming in drunk.. my cousins (male) couldn’t believe he was still going out having fun knowing I was at home and so unwell! Even phoned me at 2am once and expected me to pick him up from the pub, driving across a forest in the dark with ponies and cows etc… got nasty when I said I’d been sick all day and really did just need to sleep ready for another horrendous day the next….. he said something like ‘he’d walk and if he’s found dead in a ditch it’s my fault!’…. I said I haven’t driven all pregnancy because of throwing up and would be more likely to crash or fall asleep than he is to get knocked down while walking!! Such a turd!! Why I stayed god only knows!!!
now he’s gone and despite having a daughter together he’s chosen to move to the opposite end of the country, only been to see his daughter once in over a year…. Has a new GF (so has time and money to date)….
meanwhile I’m here looking after our daughter, dogs and trying to sort the divorce…. He’s living his best life like a single man with no dependants…. Probably lying to everyone saying I won’t let him see our DD… telling me he feels embarrassed for walking out on his responsibilities (doesn’t know I know he’s seeing someone else)…. MEN!! … just selfish, unreliable liars!
So glad I’m single and will stay that way I think forever! He’s put me off for life!

I'm glad its pretty much unanimous that your husband is a selfish prick, too often on here women play the martyr.

Insist that, along with packing, he needs to clean the bathroom thoroughly before he goes.
He also should ask his mother (or someone else (paid nanny) to be with your older children at all times including picking them up from school.
You need no chance of incidentally straining yourself.

Investigate employing a cleaner for a half day per week.

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant
Glad all went well while he was away. I would have been really bloody cross & hurt at him even considering going, though! What an insensitive, selfish twat! You've had major abdominal surgery & have 2 other children to care for as well as the baby - that's more than enough in itself, let alone a house that needs some serious cleaning/tidying!

Did none of the other wives or any of your friends/family not point this out to him? And his mum really should have told him not to go. They all should have had your back - you were drowning in new baby hormones.

@saraclara no. NO no no.

The question asking permission beforehand is entirely empty, in the same way the apology after the fact is.

by ASKING PERMISSION, he’s placed her in the role of headmistress or project manager of the family. They’re both (or should be both) running the family.

he KNEW she wasn’t gonna say no as that’d disappoint him and she actually says she was worried there’d “be a scene” if she did say no.

he KNEW he shouldn’t have gone. Anyone with eyes Probably could have seen how exhausted and overwhelmed the OP was.

See, shit like this is why we have only one child. My husband displayed moments of BREATHTAKING selfishness when our son was smaller, placing total burden on me. but it was nothing like this thread, one of the central characters of which is a completely selfish (and really quite manipulative) man.

i swear to fuck, many women really need to raise their standards and their self respect.

It isn’t the OPs responsibility to tell him what his duties are. He shouldn’t be asking her if it’s ok to go. If he needed to ask he knows it’s not ok.

What am I reading??

He should line up a ‘willing’ team of yet more women to do his bidding and the job he should be doing, rather than golfing.

Wtah!

What a wet and useless lettuce. Jesus Christ I would have lost my shit a long time ago.

Too late now isn’t it!
Hes a test!

You need to speak up .
He isn’t good enough and needs to step up. Obviously no more golf for the rest of paternity leave right? And maybe even longer depending on how you feel .

You really haven’t answered anyone who asks if your scared of him I hope you aren’t.
I echo everyone else doing a few dishes isn’t good enough.
Have a frank talk with him regarding his selfishnesss and you feeling let down , and hand
Him a list too of what needs doing. He’s loads of time now after all ? as no more golfing for him for a while .

i want him to read this thread. please show him.

😂🤣😂

I’m trying to imagine a scenario where a woman says

My husband has just had major abdominal surgery. So I’m going to leave him home alone for 2 days to recover from his operation, clean the house and care for our three week old baby while I go off on a hen do for the weekend. It should be fine because my Mum is looking after our older kids.

All the people saying:

Hand him a list of chores
investigate a cleaner
etc

These are still things the OP needs to do. Her plate is full already, but she effectively needs to line manage her husband or delegate to a third party.

Strong performers in a professional environment at work are PROACTIVE. They spot what needs doing without telling and then they fucking do it. A need to delegate THEIR WORK to a third party as they aren’t doing it would probably trigger a PIP.

you can bet your bottom dollar the OP’s husband isn’t underperforming at work as he prioritises THAT kind of work. But his wife can pick up the shit work at home: men are MUCH too important for menial crap like that, after all.

Show him the thread, OP. Show him it, seriously.

I would be fuming. I have a 2.5 year old and have to have a section this week (also needed section for her) so I know what recovery is like and I'm nervous this time. It's incredibly selfish of your husband to leave you like that after going through major surgery to bring his child safely into the world. I would be truly disgusted if my husband even contemplated going. Show him these messages! Beyond selfish behaviour.
Congrats on your new arrival though and sending you lots of luck x

I have actually changed my mind. Originally I thought you weren't being unreasonable, but now I think you are. Ever since he got back you have been trying to make excuses for him, which is a form of enableism. I think you are so used to his bad behaviour that you have no idea how truly bad it is. Originally I thought you posted because you wanted help. Now I realise that it was merely so that you could vent and release the completely understandable distress you were feeling in the face of his serious neglect.

Now that you have vented and he has returned you are trying to paper over the cracks and pretend that nothing is wrong. This is clearly a long standing pattern. Perhaps you often complain to friends about him, but this was so big you didn't want them to know? Sadly, complaining to the wrong person (friends rather than partner) is all too common.

I don't know how you ended up in this situation, but the fact is that accepting the crumbs of attention he pays you when he has nothing more entertaining to do and pretending that his behaviour is normal is entirely unreasonable. You have had scores of people trying to help, but you're not listening.

I hope that in the future you will be in a stronger position, to stand up for yourself and for your children. I realise you are hormonal and sore from surgery and things are hard. But don't forget what happened here. Maybe one day you'll see the situation for what it is.

It's called paternity leave, not golfing leave.

So we had a loooong discussion last night. I think we are finally seeing one another's points of view. From his POV, he thought he was ok to go as I was handling the newborn care, he had the house under control and the older kids taken care of.

What I pointed out to him was that although all the practical tasks may have been taken care of, what he had failed to account for were my emotional and mental needs, of feeling supported and him showing solidarity by forgoing the trip. I explained that I have made many sacrifices, putting my mental and physical health on the line to bring his 3 children into the world, that it was way too soon after a baby being born to leave us, c section or no.

The point I made to him was that it wasn't the trip or the golfing I had an issue with, it was the timing.

In the past I have had postpartum depression and anxiety, thankfully this time I have been doing much better, he knows this because he checked in with me frequently. In his mind, because I was doing so well mentally and all the practical things were taken care of, he thought he was ok to leave. He now understands that even with a smooth postpartum period, it's not really acceptable to swan off on a recreational trip this early in the game.

He apologized to me and accepted that he was being selfish in this case. I apologized for not communicating my true feelings when I had the opportunity to. He assured me that the to do list will get done, and we talked about the plan for our company coming. We have arranged several outings for them, and I can come or not depending on how I feel. I will not be cooking for them, we will be heating up ready meals, eating out or having DH BBQ as needed.

Going forward, we agreed that we need to balance us both having down time away from the house. In this season, I probably won't be able to have as much time as I'm exclusively breastfeeding, which I'm ok with, because we discussed plans to increase that time for me as baby needs me less. We also discussed what is reasonable for his down time, and clarified that paternity leave is for prioritizing our family's needs, not individual recreation.

I'm still hurt by what happened, it still blows my mind that he even wanted to go on the trip. He is an engineer and sometimes he's very logical, to the point of not considering feelings. He's not unfeeling, he's actually very perceptive usually. I think in this case he was selfish. It isn't typical of him which is why I was so blindsided.

I think we are ok now. Yes I'm upset about what happened, but it's happened and he's trying to make amends. I think we both learned something from this experience. I foresee future discussions needing to happen, but going forward I'm going to try and be more vocal about my needs.

Thanks everyone who responded.

Glad you guys got it all sorted OP! Wishing you both and your family all the very best 💐

I'm infuriated you felt the need to apologize when the bare bones basics of a relationship is love kindness and respect of which your husband showed zero aspects of those traits. Are you really ok? Are you minimizing your pain to be convenient for your husband?

@JoyApple

Thank you. It was worth working it out because we both want this marriage to last.

I'm happy because he's apologized, acknowledged what he did wrong, acknowledged my feelings and verbalized a plan going forward.

@EKGEMS

I apologized for my poor communication. I only offered this apology after we had talked about his behavior at length. He was more in the wrong for sure, but I also could have helped things out by vocalizing my feelings.

I'm still upset about what happened. He knows it can't be undone and I can't magically forget about it. But because he was sincere in his apology I'm willing to forgive.

He isn't usually like this otherwise I wouldn't have forgiven it so easily. He is normally very considerate. He really really wanted to go on the golf trip and in this case he chose selfishness. He screwed up.

I won't ever forget the way he treated me at this time, it's very painful. But I can live with it because I think our marriage is worth fighting for.

I see thanks for your prompt reply I'm very glad to hear the update. Best of luck

I am not sure why you apologised op. I don’t think your communication was remotely poor.