Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

Your husband knew he shouldn't go from the very start. He is simply using the well worn trick that it's easier to ask forgiveness after the event. He wanted to enjoy his golf, so he played golf. He didn't want you to guilt trip him, so he pretends to feel guilty.

He's not feeling guilty. He's possibly a bit socially embarrassed if his friends said something, but a slight sense of shame is not guilt, and even feeling genuinely guilty is not the same as repentance. Your husband is compounding his original selfish behaviour and building a mechanism for it to continue by misusing the language of repentance and apology to shut you up. That's all his 'I feel bad' means. It means 'I don't want to hear how my behaviour hurt you because I feel bad, and then you would be the one doing wrong by hurting my tender feelings.'

Unless you start communicating your needs he will continue to prioritise himself over you and the children whenever it is convenient to him. Communication sounds all but closed down though - this will be hard to fix. You sound so crushed and exhausted that this is clearly not a one off situation.

You seriously need couples counselling if you want things to improve. A previous poster asked, are you afraid of him? It doesn't have to be physical fear. Does he sulk and make life wretched with his moods if he doesn't get his own way? Does the atmosphere of the house change and you find yourself walking on egg shells not to set him off? Do you fear a black cloud descending on you and the children if you upset him? You clearly are avoident of any risk of conflict with him and do make excuses for dreadful behaviour. Why are you so reluctant to stand up for yourself even a little? Even if you don't get couples counselling (if he is the man he sounds like then he will probably refuse) you need counselling yourself to address the roots of your timidity. Is it simply fear of setting him off, or is it something deeper? You need to learn to be your own protector, especially since he clearly won't do it.

OP, I cannot stress this enough; he has not apologised, he does not feel sorry, he will do this kind of thing again.

It's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

He got what he wanted and gaslit you into thinking it was all just a storm in a teacup after all. You've made a rod for your back here OP...

Wise words from @MaryLea - I hope you'll heed them, @HuckleberryBlackcurrant...

Plenty of (presumably female) apologists on this thread for this kind of behaviour from men, though. Some taking the well-worn path of women beating down/competing with the OP for who’s had it harder.

NEWSFLASH: if you put up with this kind of crap from men, it doesn’t mean you’ve won; just that you’re a doormat.

Dear OP,
Please stop reading any more of the messages on this post and leave the anger out of your life.
One can fill almost any action and their life with angst and bitterness, but what is the end result? One will have an awful life and potentially destroy something beautiful.
Your husband is not perfect. Well, guess what... I don't think any human is. All one can ever do is listen to the other person and work through tough times together. It sounds like you both are trying to do that.
Life is not about sin - react - repent...
I see it more as error of judgement - opportunity to grow - more happiness ahead...
It sounds like you have a lovely family, never stop looking for ways for you all to get even closer ❤️
Take care 🥰

Paternity leave is to look after the kids (and your partner), not for going off on a jolly. He needs a strong reminder of this, no matter how repentant he is.

I was married to a golfer. Worked away all week, then every other weekend fucked off to golf for an entire day. It wasn’t the main reason for divorcing but it definitely was a contributory factor. I felt like I couldn’t say anything because he worked so hard to financially support us.

Why is he on paternity leave ? He’s no help. Just a lazy manchild who lets everyone else run around after him whilst he plays out
Not my idea of a nice guy
Dont have anymore kids with him !

Whilst he’s gone get a cleaning company in to blitz the house at his expense; he’s a selfish pig you’ve had major surgery he should be staying with you to care for his children not hitting a wee ball around a field

You're only 3 weeks after a c section. I'm sorry but that's out of order, especially as you've got other children. You can't do everything you're still recovering.
I'd be honest and tell him it's too soon. Why would he even want to leave a baby so young.

And yet.... he did not, in fact, skip it. He got his trip in, and by next year you'll no longer be post-C-section so he'll be able to go again.

It's good that he recognizes you weren't happy, but beware the man who learns the right way to treat you juuuuuuuust a little too late for it to do you any good and juuuuuuuust a little too late for it to require any sacrifice from him.

Really sorry @Nanny0gg it’s not you I was getting at.

I was actually trying to reinforce what you said, in reply to @Bertiesmum3. She was the one who was completely out of order, as you rightly implied. Just realised that I should have tagged Bertiesmum, so she got my response too! I’ve tagged her now and to be clear to her, she is the one who is out of order, with her response to @HuckleberryBlackcurrant, not you.

I agree with you that the OP’s dh should not have gone on his golfing trip. He’s lucky to get such generous paternity leave, but that doesn’t mean he can use that time for his ‘jollies’, as he seems to have done on other occasions as well. He should be using that time to support his wife and ensure that their family settles in to their new norm as a 3 child household, as well as keeping on top of the housework as well. He should not be expecting his dm to step in and take on the extra load, while he is off enjoying himself!

Sorry again for upsetting you, it was definitely not what I meant to do.

I agree with the cleaning suggestion. Have a cleaner in daily for a week. Also book a babysitter for the older children during all of the days

You are doing this alone. If he can't keep up with the vacuuming (hoovering in the UK) and cleaning the bathrooms then it's not getting done.

Oh please, that poor man forced to go golfing, not doing the cleaning, forgetting to do the one job he was asked to do, and roping his mum to cover what needs to be done.

You might want to be treated like a mug, but why should OP?

Hubby did same to me and has done every week, 1-4 times a week, ever since, so I get it.
I wish I could say it gets better, but golf seems to be an obsession rather than a hobby for some.

The first time he went, it was two weeks after the C Section, and I was on the phone to the health visitor in tears (slight baby blues). He took one look at me and left.

Golf comes first before everything else.
The only reason I stay is for our DS, as he wouldn't cope with a split. He suffers with anxiety and other things, I just can't do it to him.

But apparently, if I dare to being it up, I'm unreasonable, and he can't see what he's doing wrong 🤷‍♀️
More like doesn't want to see.

I'm having my second day out this year, next Saturday.
You should've seen his face when he realised I was going out twice in one year.
I mean, how very selfish of me 🙄

Selfish!

@NatM70
I'm sorry. None of us should have to be dealing with this

No worries.

Glad to see we're in full agreement!

Why would he even want to leave a baby so young.

Cos with babies the only bit that interests him is making one.

Have you considered getting a one off whole house clean? There are loads of people on my village who do it for a living.
They would probably wash and iron all the clothes too.
If he can afford to go golfing, why not spend some cash on what will make you happy?

What's the OP's husband trying to do?

Why are you telling her to roll over and not rock the boat?

Why should she put up and shut up?

Some men are just selfish pricks - he should not be going - tell him - he’s a new Father plus the older children - you need him at home ffs!

He’s not being helpful or thoughtful leaving you with all this to cope with. Sometime in the future , make sure you arrange a girly weekend away and leave him with the children , preferably a few weeks after he’s had surgery.

As always, when we have only have one side of a complicated situation, judgments must be very limited.

In different families the answers will be different, and we don't know your usual roles and expectations of each other in your household. If he is a homemaker while you earn the whole family income as an emergency doctor, the situation is very different from the other way round. In some families all housework is shared equally, in others father is not permitted to "interfere", in most there are different roles at weekends or in different circumstances, including respective job demands.

Obviously you both had many months notice of childbirth, and must have made and discussed plans and contingencies. It sounds like you think something unexpected should override your agreed plans, or maybe your agreement was not comprehensive?

In this case we on Mumsnet cannot form strong opinions of Unreasonableness, and certainly not in four letter words! Fatherhoid is stressful in different ways from motherhood. You both need a rest, you each need each others love and support, and I hope you both get it, without the blame game which Mumsnet sometimes creates. I cannot know whether or not you are being reasonable, so like most others here I certainly cannot say you are being unreasonable.

For what it's worth, cancel the people coming to stay and let them stay in an Airbnb because u have had Major surgery. I wouldnt dream of staying with someone after surgery..and no decent person would. If money is an issue for their guests then maybe get DH to pay for it.

Also if you otherwise have a pretty happy marriage, and a generally content, then don't fall out over this. Get a cleaner. Cancel the visitors. Call on girlfriends to help pop in and check on u and baby.

Men are just wired differently. If he's awful most of the time then that's another matter. But if he's normally quite good and u r quite happy think about solutions to coping when he's gone and let him foot the bill. If he makes a fuss about the money, tell him to stay at home and not go on his trip. One or the other. But you won't manage with the status quo.

My tuppence worth. Feel for u. Xxxx

So now that he has had his trip he feels guilty?

For fuck sake! Convenient that the 'guilt' didn't hit until after he had had his fun.

Your husband is a dick head.