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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

566 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:12

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 05:57

@Lastchancechica

He asked me before he went on the trip if I wanted him to go and I didn't say anything.

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 12/09/2023 06:08

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 05:57

@Lastchancechica

He asked me before he went on the trip if I wanted him to go and I didn't say anything.

He shouldn’t have asked, and your silence speaks absolute volumes.

PastelLilac · 12/09/2023 06:54

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:28

@Bearbookagainandagain

He has another 3 weeks of paternity leave so I do think this is worth discussing

It's really really sad that he is privileged to have a super long paternity leave but neither you nor his children are his priority.

You need to tell him straight and don't beat around the bush. You need to stop being passive. Tell him that you didn't want him to go on this golfing trip. Point out that he had hours and hours away from home playing golf when the baby was only 2 week old. Tell him he's privileged to have a long paternity leave and should be spending it with his family and helping you.

Tell him that in future, you only want family to look after your eldest 2 when you're spending time with each other. Tell him that his Mil isn't helping you out... She's helping him out.

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 07:02

@PastelLilac

I absolutely did tell him all of those things

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 07:03

@PastelLilac

It is sad!! He gets 12 weeks. I know many men who would give anything to have that time

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 07:06

@Lastchancechica

You are right. He shouldn't have asked. I told him that wasn't right or fair, as it puts me in the positive of 'giving him permission'. I told him I am not his mother, I am his partner, so he should have been able to assess as an adult that this trip was not what our family needed. He seemed to take this on board. I made it clear that I won't accept the excuse 'you should have asked.'

We have had previous discussions about the mental load. Maybe it's time to revisit that.

Honestly I'm not usually a passive doormat haha. But I've behaved like one in the last few days. I think most women feel vulnerable after they have given birth. I'm trying to make him understand this.

OP posts:
Bature · 12/09/2023 07:14

he had the house under control and all the practical things were taken care of

This isn’t even true, though, is it? The bathroom was filthy and you’ve had to write him a list of things to do.

It’s great that you’ve had a conversation, but it really does sound like a few home truths were skipped in the interests of keeping the peace.

PastelLilac · 12/09/2023 07:23

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 07:03

@PastelLilac

It is sad!! He gets 12 weeks. I know many men who would give anything to have that time

I feel so bad for you :( he cares more about his friends than his wife who had major surgery 3 weeks ago. He also prefers to hang out with them than to bond with his newborn baby. I bet he's told himself that his mum is doing you a favour. No, she's doing HIM a favour. I bet he also thinks he's helping you out by caring for his own children and cleaning his own house. That's doing the bare minimum!

My DP only had 2 weeks paternity leave.

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 07:24

@Bature

In his mind it was taken care of because he knew he was GOING to do it. I did explain that that wasn't a comfort to me when I was sitting on the sofa feeding baby and looking at the mess.

Usually I do most of the housework as I'm a SAHM. I told him I understood he wasn't going to do things perfectly to my standards, but that I shouldn't have had to tell him the bathroom needed cleaning, the carpets needed vacuuming and the worktops needed wiping. He acknowledged that he wasn't pulling his weight in these areas.

I always write lists, it works well for us as we have had disagreements in the past as he waits to be told what to do or says 'you should have asked'. Now he knows that when we have company, we are hosting them together so he just goes to the list. Hence him asking me to write the list (which I would have been doing anyway).

I do agree that some things should be self explanatory. I'm sensing a bit of weaponized incompetence in him.

OP posts:
Cantbelieveit101 · 12/09/2023 07:25

But he didn't have the house under control, the washing wasn't done and the floor needed a vacuum, toys weren't out away, the bathroom was dirty!

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 07:26

To clarify, I usually do the majority of the housework and I'm ok with that as I like being a SAHM, I am thankful to be able to do it and I know it's a privilege. He always helps when we have company though, as I consider that as 'extra'.

And I don't pick up after him. I don't clear his plate, pick his clothes up off the floor etc as I am not his maid or his mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 07:27

@Cantbelieveit101

You're right. He thought that since he was keeping up on dishes and laundry that that was enough. I think he's only just starting to understand how much I do around the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 07:29

@Cantbelieveit101

The crazy thing is that I had it PERFECT before baby was born, and my Mum and sister also stayed for a week after baby was born and they kept it up so nicely. So it was really only 1.5 weeks until I was cleared to do housework, but he did the bare minimum so it all started to pile up. I think he's shocked at how quickly it got messy. He got the kids involved and was picking up all the clutter today. It already looks a lot better.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/09/2023 07:33

@PuppyMonkey

I am excited about the guests, and will be more excited once the house is in order :)

I hardly see my family since moving to the US so it's a treat for me to see them.

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 12/09/2023 08:54

He is an engineer, OP. A responsible, professional job and yet you still have to write him lists. Must his manager at work also write him lists of his responsibilities at work, to remind him?

as for the comment “he’s an engineer - he can be very logical” somehow excusing how he doesn’t pick up on the emotional side …I’m a lawyer. I rely on logic and rational argument every day but still manage not to be selfish and to take responsibility for the stuff that needs doing for my kid, including half of the mental load. That’s not an excuse.

the people who are have said “Men just don’t see surfaces”, “Men are wired differently” - also bollocks. They might think differently but that is also not an excuse to be crass, selfish and shit all over the person with whom you’re supposed to have formed a team.

Incidents like this, with all the attendant exhaustion and emotional distress are why I would never be a SAHM. Some man’s slave? No, thanks.

rainbowstardrops · 12/09/2023 09:24

Obviously I don't know either you or your husband or how sincere his apology was but I'm still of the opinion that he got what he wanted and is just nodding along and agreeing with what you are saying now,
merely to keep the peace and placate you.

I really hope he does indeed step up and stops acting like the selfish arse that he comes across as.

Lulu49 · 12/09/2023 09:24

I've had four c sections, first one is a bit of a shock but after the third I drove a week after and had the new baby a two year old and a 5 year old and my husband went back to work after a week. Sounds like your husband is pretty supportive and has been picking up duties at home, hes arranged for the other two children to go to his mum and you can call on her for help if needed. The housework will always be there. I think you are over reacting a bit.

Have you a friend/sister who could come and stay overnight, have a couple of girly days? Ask a friend to come in and run the hoover round and do a quick flick of the bathroom. Xx

whatchulookinatwillis · 12/09/2023 10:01

After reading your update I am even more appalled by his behaviour.

You have previously had postpartum depression and he, fully aware of this, left you post-surgery and with a new born.

He genuinely didn't give a shit about your physical or mental well-being, or his babies did he? As long as he got to play his sports with his mates.

He left you, so soon after you'd had his baby, knowing that it might plunge you into the dark pit of despair as it had previously. Knowing that you may mentally (as well as physically) be in a place where you wouldn't be able to adequately care for his baby (that he was on parental leave to supposedly look after).

And now he has you apologising to him for not communicating properly? Did he not consider that a silent response to his question could be a sign of postpartum depression?

Did he not ask you how you were feeling? Both physically and mentally about his leaving?

Wow! What an arsehole.

Lastchancechica · 12/09/2023 10:21

I think you must be feeling fragile and vulnerable now, and you don’t need to rock the boat right now, but revisit this when you are up and running again. Have a good look at your lives, the division of Labour/mental load and time off for you. Now is the not the time.
Ot sounds like his mother has always facilitated his selfishness and thinks everyone is there to pick up the slack so he doesn’t have to do the donkey work.
Don’t be his donkey op.
Carrying his load so he can sit back and enjoy the good life/golf course.

Look after yourself.

Lastchancechica · 12/09/2023 10:22

And parental leave is not a free pass for a holiday!!

Lastchancechica · 12/09/2023 10:23

A lads holiday at that!! 😤

PaminaMozart · 12/09/2023 10:43

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant - looking back on your posts, what comes across is a degree of passivity and lack of assertiveness that, to me, is concerning. Your husband seems to be a nice guy, but he is clearly programmed to make life easy and comfortable for himself.

It's very easy, over a number of years and with life being busy, to slip into a pattern where your own needs and wants become secondary to 'the family'.

Please be alert to this and take conscious steps to assert yourself. I think a few sessions of counselling would probably benefit you.

pikkumyy77 · 12/09/2023 10:49

@Lulu49 Sadly, No.

Piglet89 · 12/09/2023 11:26

@Lulu49 you might be happy to continue have women rally round, to pick up some selfish man’s shit-work for him, but I sure as fuck wouldn’t be.

rainbowstardrops · 12/09/2023 11:32

Have you a friend/sister who could come and stay overnight, have a couple of girly days? Ask a friend to come in and run the hoover round and do a quick flick of the bathroom. Xx

You mean the good little women?
Why on earth should they come round and do the work that the selfish arse should be doing on his PARENTAL LEAVE?!!!!