Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

Granparents and aunts an uncles enjoy time with the kids. It is good for kids to bond with extended family who want those relationships. I am not sure why you are so against this. It is good for the kids and extended family to have time together. Your view that your kids should only ever be with you or him is controlling and suffocating and not healthy or good for anyone.

YANBU

Yet another man who thinks his extended paternity leave is about doing the bare minimum at home until the woman is recovered enough to take over and spend more time doing leisure activities himself.

If what OP has described he does is the bare minimum then it isn't just men as many SAHMs do less than what OPs DH is doing. So I would saw that most parents when alone with the kids and the house aren't able on their own to manage everything kid related and keep the house spic and span without any dust or mess anywhere.

This is a good thread for when an SAHM complains that her DH expects her to look after the kids and keep a perfect house - this thread says anything less is the bare minimum.

Seriously get a cleaner!

Why on earth did you decide to have a third child when your OH is the way he is?

I just don't understand why so many woman choose to have more than 1 or 2 children and then moan about not getting enough help etc.

This.

What an incredibly selfish, lazy man. I am profoundly sorry that you are having to put up with this. He is the one being unreasonable - monstrously, abominably so. You not only have post partum hormones and two older children to deal with, you had major abdominal surgery! I am just stunned.

Sorry OP I sort of agree with previous poster about a bit of Martydom in your posts......c sections are pretty "normal" these days and recovery is pretty smooth unless there is some underlying issue / birth trauma leading up to it. It's 3 weeks not 3 days since birth and not a first child - you seemingly have a lot of support from your MIL whose taking your older 2 off your hands regularly. You could easily have said golf trip is fine but I want x y z doing before you leave. You sound resentful because you couldn't go on your trip but that was too close to the birth but it can't be helped. The golf trip sounds like it was booked before you got pregnant.
You need to communicate with him better - set your stall out so to speak - set your expectations- not complain about them to strangers afterwards

10000% I would be angry and would have told him in advance that needs to rearranged until at least 6 months Postpartum. ESPECIALLY after a C-section.....like OMG!

While he is away get a cleaner to come over and do a deep cleam of your house. His Bill to pay. And once your are healed and better you rearrange your girls trip and leave him with all 3.

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant he knows full well he shouldn’t be away, he asked both you and his mum if he should go! He’s not oblivious at all, hes willingly chosen this!

dont know how you stand being married to him tbh, and I don’t say that lightly. So gross.

This!!!!

my husband would never in a million years do this to me. I had a CS with my first and felt very vulnerable for the first couple of months.

Suggest you tell him he’s being a selfish tw*t and bankroll all the help you need with the house, food, kids etc. whilst he is away. He can pick up the tab for his selfishness.

Not sure this is going to help other than it could be worse. I looked after a lady her husband went out to play golf on her first day home from hospital 1st day postpartum left her with a toddler & newborn. Think you have to spell it out even the best of men sometimes lack empathy or maybe they choose to Lack empathy, if you spell it out they cannot say they didn’t know. Hugs

My RL bestie's husband went out wakeboarding when her second child was 10 days old. He broke his leg. What a dick.

I wish your brother, or at least his wife, had enough sense to realise it's not the best time for a stay without you having to say anything.

Early on in our relationship, when we were still just dating, my husband and I stayed a day or two at his sister's having spent the majority of the trip with his parents (think her place was closer to the eurostar station or something). Anyway she was heavily pregnant - maybe about 37wks? We did our own thing in the day and then would have a casual dinner with her, her husband and toddler in the evening. The night before we left, I overheard my husband telling his sister our plans for the morning, ie leaving early (before 5am) to catch the first train, and she says ok and starts setting the alarm on her phone! 😳 And her husband and brother are there, just nodding along as if this is all a great plan. I had to step in and insist that there was literally no need for her to get out of bed that early in the morning (or at any time of day really) just to wave us off, that we should say our goodbyes now, she should go to bed (she'd been falling asleep in front of a film), and we would see her the following year. I've never seen anyone look so relieved! 😂 And off she went - straight to bed.

Even now when we visit I prefer to stay with his parents because they have such a set routine that we can just slot into it when it suits us or make our own plans, whereas his sister really feels the pressure of being a good host, will hire a cleaner before we arrive, and plan activity after activity all in an effort for us to have the best time. She is lovely and very sweet, but sometimes I have to remind my husband not to take advantage of this - that she has enough to deal with with two children, and we can make our own breakfasts and go out and do our own thing or look after the children so she can have a break. If I didn't he would be sitting at that breakfast table like he's one of the kids, waiting for mum to cook the eggs 😅 He is amazing in other ways, like paying for the activities or the meals for everyone, but completely oblivious in others.

I think your brother can still visit but they should stay elsewhere, even if it is really far...

Wishing you all the best in the healing process, dealing with your husband, and with the new baby.

Reminds me of the man who got drunk and ended up having sex with his colleague in the bushes. When he gets home his wife asks why he's home so late. So he confesses the truth to her. Then she replies "YOU LYING BASTARD! YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING GOLF AGAIN!!!"

only golf widow joke I know

Then they wonder why women leave them when kids are grown up - the resentment of their selfishness builds and builds!

It's cheeky. I would tell him not to bother coming back. No point in this kind of relationship.

sorry but no i would be putting my foot down and saying absolutely no way are you going. this is not a matter of control it's about being a partnership.

He's completely selfish. If he can afford a golf weekend he can afford a cleaner to sort the house as he hasn't bothered himself

Just to be clear, paternity leave is to take care of the baby. NOT to go on golfing holidays. How dare he see this time as a break.

Your husband is being selfish as hell to leave you, post-partum and post-surgery, holding fort alone. And making you live in squalor because he's too lazy to clean to regular standards.

Making you do a list of jobs for him is making you spend energy on household management when he should be able to know himself.

He DOES know. Men do know. They do see it. They just don't care and are lazy, and used to women picking up the slack. It's weaponised incompetence, if they do a shit enough when given responsibility, they know there will be reluctance to give them any such responsibilities again.

So write a list for you and him.

your list

Recovering from major surgery
Recovering from pregnancy
BF ( or bottle feeding )baby
making milk for baby
changing baby
bathing and dressing baby
getting up at night for baby
managing all household and childcare tasks
writing lists of chores
supervising people doing chores
quality control of chores

his list

detailed list of all housework and cleaning that needs done
collecting all laundry, sorting, washing , ironing and putting it away

Other things you’ve not mentioned ( like all food shopping, cooking, washing dishes, all school related tasks ) need to go on someone’s list .

You’ve had a baby and major abdominal surgery. Fuck the housework. Rest,take it easy , let him do the chores on his return. Don’t be a martyr doing the housework. You need to recover, he need to do the heavy lifting

OP,

Please stop with the "clueless" question.

He is not clueless, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

He simply doesn't care enough about you to behave decently.

Unfortunately you are like many women who can't face that truth.

Simply put, "decent men, behave decently".

No decent man goes off golfing for days on end leaving their wife recovering from major surgery to cope and juggle it all.

Selfish scum do.

That's what you are married to, selfish scum.

I would be mortified if I was your MIL at that absolute loser she has raised.

I wouldn't be silent on the subject either.

Get a cleaner. Put the guests in a hotel or B&B: I know it’s your own family but circumstances have changed. He is selfish!

No,this is not a problem to throw cash at. He needs to step up,clean & be helpful
This could be be managed as folllow
the husband does all the cook,cleaning and childcare of his 4yo. He takes the guests out for long period leaving op with quiet recovery time.