Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

Two things really stand out to me here:

No, he absolutely shouldn’t be going. BUT - are you afraid of him? Are you afraid to speak your mind? Does he think or have any reason to think you’re afraid of either him or to speak your mind? Because if not, anyone with an ounce of sense would assume that if you haven’t said you’re not ok with it, then you’re ok with it. And it’s irrelevant whether others are ok with it - you’ve said a few times that actually you are, IF the house was clean. If you’re not, then use your words.

Playing devil’s advocate and assuming your descriptions of him as a good man and it being a happy marriage are correct, if this was the case I would be devastated if my husband was posting on an online forum about feelings he had not actually expressed to me (or my husband would be devastated if it was me posting) - both that he was feeling that way and that he couldn’t trust me with his feelings or talk to me.

You have said you live in a large house and are a SAHM. I’m assuming here that money is ok, if he also plays golf etc. You have said YOU don’t want a cleaner, YOU don’t think it’s right etc. I am not reading anything that suggests he would object to a cleaner, and a lot that suggests you are being a martyr.

You are a SAHM so I am assuming that the house and children are your ‘job’ and this is an established role - he’s not naturally going to seamlessly jump in to this without prompting because in fairness to him, he’s probably long out of the groove of it. Because your ‘job’ is to look after the home and family and his ‘job’ is to go out and earn the money. This will be the way he sees it because that’s the actual reality (c section recovery aside). It’s not the same as a couple who both work and the man ‘helps’ in my opinion.

He absolutely needs to help more, but you also need to help yourself by speaking up and not accepting behaviour you’re not happy with.

And making you live in squalor because he's too lazy to clean to regular standards

Not defending the DH, he is clearly a dick, but OP has said a couple of times that the house isn't dirty per se, it's just not as tidy as usual, there are clothes and paperwork to be put away etc. They are not living in squalor. OP also needs to accept that dropping standards slightly as a temporary measure is not the end of the world - and your guests should accept that your house is not currently going to be a show home.

He is on paternity leave and he hasn't managed to make sure the house has been kept on top of, and yet he has managed 3 golfing trips since you had your baby by c section, what 3 weeks ago?! I thought my dh was bad when we had our first and he was still going to the pub on a Friday and Saturday nights with our friends. When I pointed out to him that this really wasn't on, he realised and stopped going, and maybe only went once a month if that. This was a few years ago and we were only 24/25 then.
Please speak to him when he gets home. Ask him how fair he thinks it is that he has kept up his hobbies and you have had to stop yours. I take it the children were a joint decision?
I am so glad you have such a good mil because I dread to think what would happen if you didn't have her support.

Yeah, he’s a knob to be going, I agree with the other replies.
I’d be making him fork out for a cleaner at the very least.

YANBU and as soon as he is back I'd be having my own jolly! He could have given it a miss this year and caught up with his friends another time but having had 2 sections and knowing how long the recovery can be I'm on your side.

No two ways about this, do not grit your teeth and bear it. Tell him as much. He needs to be told how selfish that is at 3 week PP. I understand if he's not been keeping things as spotless at we do as some men are just blind and have to be told every thing, ( shouldn't be an excuse but is) but the Golfing? Twat move on his part.

If I asked him not to go, he wouldn't go. But I'm upset that he even wants to go.

Ask him not to go.

Perhaps he's not working because he is on paternity leave

@saffronsoup

Oh I definitely let my kids go to other people. When people offer to have them I usually accept! I just don't ask.

@Justneedagirlname

Your response is fair. I don't have a problem having them babysat, but I think we should pay someone if we're going out for fun.

He’s outsourced the childcare, you need to outsource the housework and cooking/prep.

Hire someone to come in and clean and bill him.

Hit up Sainsbury’s/M&S for nice pre prepped food and bill him.

If he has the money for a golf trip, he has the cash for this.

Do not impede your recovery due to his selfishness. Xxx

@HumanBurrito
That's right....it's mostly messy. The areas that are dirty are the bathroom floor esp around the toilet, and the carpets. Both of which haven't been done in a month as I can't do them.

Why?

What is wrong with family getting to spend some time with them while you are out having fun?

I think the issue here is you don’t communicate. Men don’t think. Only you know how sore you are. Only you know how difficult it is post c section and post partum. Tell him it’s ridiculously selfish of him to be leaving soon. Job done.

you are correct, a cleaner won’t help with messy. Make the list, but 98% of the jobs should be assigned to him.

you are caring for a newborn and 2 young children. That is more than enough activity 3 weeks post abdominal surgery. It very much is a surgery that you can end up feeling the rest of your life, despite some people’s desire to dismiss it. I never notice most of my surgeries and I’ve sadly had many, but the C-section is annoying daily. You should follow the recovery advice you were given which probably was light activity at this stage.

@Nina1013
anyone with an ounce of sense would assume that if you haven’t said you’re not ok with it, then you’re ok with it.

Anyone with an ounce of sense or empathy wouldn't have planned to go in the first place.

Playing devil’s advocate and assuming your descriptions of him as a good man and it being a happy marriage are correct, if this was the case I would be devastated if my husband was posting on an online forum about feelings he had not actually expressed to me (or my husband would be devastated if it was me posting) - both that he was feeling that way and that he couldn’t trust me with his feelings or talk to me.

If your husband had major surgery and then you planned a trip away leaving him with a newborn he might be too stunned to react. It's hurtful and thoughtless and sometimes when people feel that hurt they don't say anything.

Personally I'd be devastated at being put in the position where I had to tell my partner how inconsiderate I thought it was anyway and that would already have made me feel like I couldn't trust him with my feelings or talk to him if I'd just had his baby and was recovering from major surgery and he considered going on a golf trip.

Because your ‘job’ is to look after the home and family and his ‘job’ is to go out and earn the money. This will be the way he sees it because that’s the actual reality (c section recovery aside).

Not sure why you said c section recovery aside when she has in fact just had a c section 🤔

Well the first thing that comes to my mind is you say he's been "Helping" with the older kids and the baby at times. But even though he's on leave, he hasn't actually been doing the things you do on a regular day. Hygiene in the home is important. The bathroom hasn't been properly cleaned in a month. That is not ok. It's also not ok that YOU, the one who just had a C-section, are the one who has been preventing the bathroom from being even worse. His claim that he doesn't see dirt is underwhelming. In my overall estimation, since he hasn't kept the home at a basic level of hygiene, he has failed.

Sending the kids to his mum while he goes golfing is a copout. Not because parents don't deserve time off but because, if he has access to kid-free time via his mum, that should have been used for essential things like home hygiene and giving you more rest time. Not for his own hobby. I would also point out, that if you think of his mum's time and effort as a resource, he is actually using that resource only for himself, rather than sharing it with you. It might seem otherwise because his mum is helping "you" by helping with the kids. But she's actually only replacing the help he SHOULD be giving you. In other words, it's HIM only that she's actually helping. There's no improvement for you.

Again, one of the reasons he is doing this (I think) is because he sees the hard graft of parenting the kids as your job, not his. The way he SHOULD see it is that he's on paternity leave to do his half of the parenting/house work. The way he actually sees it (I think) is that he's generously "helping" you with work that should only be yours. If he replaces his help with his mum's help then he sees that as fine because in his idea of justice ALL of it should be yours and you should be super grateful he's doing ANYthing. He deserves time off; you don't.

I think the core issue is the inequality between you. You aren't in this together. You are in one place; and he is in another place where he looks after himself and sometimes helps you out when he feels like it. The way I put this to my husband, is that if we were on a ship, I'd be in third class in the bowels of the ship, while you (he, my husband) are in first class, telling me that there's no reason BOTH of us should suffer, so he'll occasionally come visit me in third class but then he'll go back to first class and enjoy his steak and his hobbies.

@aloris

Thank you, that really sums it up

He sounds like an absolute twat! Paternity leave is not for swanning off golfing, I’d be telling him to pack some more of his shit and not bother coming back

I meant why the cleaning isn’t coming naturally to him and he’s not doing a good job of it…..because (c section aside) that’s been her ‘job’ so he’s not used to doing it.

I know that he’s not behaving well and I know that he shouldn’t be going BUT I find it insulting to the OP that everyone is discounting her own opinions on her own husband and dismissing them because he’s definitely a complete all round d**k because Mumsnet says so.

She says he isn’t, and I think it’s very disrespectful to just shout over her and say yes yes yes he definitely is without any context at all other than over this one event (which doesn’t show him in a good light at all but does not as a singular event mean he doesn’t care about or love his wife and as a woman with a newborn baby who’s already feeling vulnerable, she must feel even worse reading this 100x over).

People are telling her to use her voice, use her words but also ignoring what she’s saying when she does.

He shouldn’t go, but she hasn’t asked him not to. She says he’s an otherwise good husband and they both have their own independent hobbies and enjoy their own time. It was an unplanned section after 2 normal births, maybe it genuinely hasn’t actually sunk in that she needs this help so badly (yes it SHOULD have, but maybe it hasn’t). My husband is an absolute angel but still needs lots of things spelled out for him.

Maybe he’s a really good guy who’s done one single selfish thing and would be gutted to know how much he’s upset the wife that he loves very much (which she says repeatedly he does). Or maybe he’s not. But she says he is. She also says repeatedly it’s fine for him to go if the house was clean.

Maybe she doesn’t want to read 3000 posts telling her what an awful husband she has when maybe she actually doesn’t and this is one episode of really rubbish and thoughtless behaviour in an otherwise happy marriage.

Maybe that’s not the case either but all I was trying to do was add a bit of a balanced viewpoint based on what she said.

When he gets back I would be asking him if he wants to remain married. If he does he needs to act like a proper husband and father and step up to the plate. Actions speak louder than words, so in My own head I would have a time frame where if I didn’t think he was contributing and taking his share I would be speaking to a divorce lawyer.

and they both have their own independent hobbies and enjoy their own time except op said she doesn't and has put her hobbies on hold.

You lot are mental. Mine are teens now but I basically brought them up alone for first 10 years because other half was busy earning money. Depends on financial set up if he pays for everything then fair play he get time off.

Such a good post @aloris

DH here comes across as the sort of guy who talks about babysitting his own children. OP deserves so much better.

PS Mumsnet is not representative of real life it's full of bitter men hating women. Just in case you hadn't realised.