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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

566 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:12

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

OP posts:
TodayInahurry · 09/09/2023 12:15

I am surprised that so many people on here are surprised! Most men regard children as a woman’s hobby.

Grmumpy · 09/09/2023 12:21

Well if he was my son I would tell him not to go to golf. I think you need to set some boundaries. Too late for him on this occasion but I would call his mum to come and help. Far too much for you to cope with

Jackienory · 09/09/2023 12:21

Get a cleaner.

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 12:24

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I'm trying to gather my thoughts so I can have a conversation with him when he returns home.

My MIL is taking the children and I out for coffee and lunch tomorrow so I'm going to enjoy that and leave the housework for him when he gets back!!

Just hoping DS4 is doing ok. I'm worried sick about him being in pain from his ear. He's such a mummy's boy, I feel terrible he's not here at home.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 09/09/2023 12:27

YANBU, More so because it was a C-sectipn. I wouldn't leave anyone recovering from any major surgery alone with children if I didn't really have to.

But also, who WANTS to be away from their brand new baby for two days already?! My ex and I split before birth and I had to persuade him to save his annual leave for when he could do more, otherwise he was going to tag that on his pat leave and would have been there all day every day for a month and I'd have gone insane!

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 12:27

TodayInahurry · 09/09/2023 12:15

I am surprised that so many people on here are surprised! Most men regard children as a woman’s hobby.

This is correct, at least for OPs husband! The children are pets, not people—he arranged for them to be walked and fed by the help (his mother) since OP is busy with her new puppy. Why can’t OP appreciate that he took time off from his hobby to help her with hers and now, three weeks in, each party returns to taking care of their own pets/hobbies. He expressed polite interest in the children over the phone—what more can a man do?

Also: you are in the US. He can bus, train, fly, rent a car or fucking crawl home from golf. He is not on the far side of the moon.

BeverlyBrook · 09/09/2023 12:28

Taking a golf trip while on paternity leave?! I've heard it all now.

You poor thing you have a shit husband. He should be doing EVERYTHING thing in the house still if he is not at work.

Do not grit your teeth! Tell him this is unacceptable. Definitely leave him to do the entire house top to bottom, tidying proper cleaning.

Poshjock · 09/09/2023 12:28

I find it very telling that his mother - who clearly felt it inappropriate for him to go - was similarly mute when asked. Also that she seamlessly stepped into to fill the gaps he left.

He will never work out for himself what is and isn't appropriate because he has been brought up to know that mummy will step in to sort out what he can't or won't do. He's also married a version of his mum.

Until he held accountable for his failings he will never change.

Xsxjxmx · 09/09/2023 12:29

He's selfish, he should Never have gone and never wanted to go. He should be taking part in his share of children and housework, without needing to be told and given lists! And should be doing way more. No he won't do it exactly like you if youre a sahm and he worka full time so you do most of it, but he isn't blind and he knows full well you clean the toilet floor, and hoover, he's just not doing it himself because it's ignorance. Not all men are like this. It's not a man thing, it's a ignorance thing

oakleaffy · 09/09/2023 12:30

The guests for a week , I'd sack that right off.

Hotel or they come another year.

The golf trip- He's probably had it booked for ages- I'd see it as him owing you a trip away by yourself for a couple of days while he looks after the kids.

Emz6103 · 09/09/2023 12:35

Hi OP yes I agree with the many posters on here....however, most men have done a runner judging by the sheer amount of women who shout at anyone and everyone that they are "entitled" to benefits and how hard it is being a line parent. I know it's a fkd up thong to do, but my husband did fk all after I had my 3 at least he's done the bare minimum and you said he would help clean when he gets back which is more than most men will do(that's if theyre still around) it's rotten but it's not worth getting upset over, not in the long term. Use your mil to help get the house in order (mine would have given him her blessings just to get at me) this should be a happy time and if you let this take hold it could set off the "rot" in your mental health and marriage. It will lead to resentment and it's just not worth it honey. Be kind to yourself he'll soon be back and communicate what needs to be done a job at a time. I'm coming from a good place and just trying to help as I feel that you don't need to read what an arsehole he is....that won't help and it'll just lead to further resentment. Talk to him when he gets home. I'm fifty mine are all grown up, my marriage is over and if I could return to the past times I would have let a lot of stuff go, if only to be kind to myself. Once the rot sets in it's hard to get rid of. Take care honey, use your mil hire a one time cleaner if you need to, talk to your friends but don't let this get on the way of your new family life. Your husband's much better than mine ever was and his hobby was drinking.....with his mums blessings because he deserved a drink!! Sending hugs and mmmwwwah congratulations

2023forme · 09/09/2023 12:36

SaturdayGiraffe · 08/09/2023 07:29

Golf, it’s always golf.

Surely this isn’t the first time he’s not supported you, or failed to pull his weight?

@SaturdayGiraffe - that’s really unfair - sometimes it’s cycling 😉

oakleaffy · 09/09/2023 12:38

TodayInahurry · 09/09/2023 12:15

I am surprised that so many people on here are surprised! Most men regard children as a woman’s hobby.

This is definitely true.
Men see kids as a thing that women want, women campaign for, and therefore- it's down to the woman.

My husband when I asked why he was going out for a band rehearsal the night I came out of hospital with newborn said ''Well you had him''

There are definitely good men out there who are equal parents, but they are in the minority.

Staplesonstamps · 09/09/2023 12:38

This thread made my heart hurt.
move been in similar position OP.
It was never really about the lack of eyes seeing the mess etc it was about his eyes NOT SEEING ME.

I shouldn’t have to ask to be seen, to be chosen. I don’t want to be put in the position of feeling I have to beg for him to SEE ME and our children and not choose himself at this moment in time. A time when my body has just been through a big deal, our family is experiencing all the changes that come with adding a new child to it and helping the other kids adjust.

I just wanted him to choose me because he sees me. To realise that he doesn’t is a kind of cut you can’t show anyone, not even him, not even people on anonymous forums (making it purely about not dealing with mess instead, perhaps even to yourself) because it feels shit to be so low on someone’s fucking radar.

I’ve never got over the resentment tbh.

This is who he is. A man whose heart and eyes aren’t fully on his family when really it should be, without being told, without a fucking to do list.

He could change in time, mine did, but it’s still really hurtful right now.

Emz6103 · 09/09/2023 12:40

Omg that was funny!! Dry humour and well delivered

Justneedagirlname · 09/09/2023 12:55

I don’t know.

it is certainly too early to leave your wife 3 weeks postpartum for 2 nights and with C section even with one baby it is hard without a break for 2 days.

however you are also giving a strong vibe of martyrdom

  1. the house really doesn’t have to be spotless and waiting 2 more days till he comes back and cleans should be no problem. Stop wiping the bathroom FFS

  2. get a one off cleaner before your visitors come - it will be money well spent, you really don’t have to do it yourself. Thinking of it, you both can afford fun trips so it means to me that you can afford a regular cleaner too.

  3. but most importantly, you feel it’s wrong to ask someone to babysit your kids for you or your husband to do something fun and recreational - WHAT??? This is just bizarre

MrsMoastyToasty · 09/09/2023 12:56

He is an arsehole! FGS you have not just had a baby, you had that baby via major abdominal surgery! (Jeez I was off work for 8 weeks after a hernia operation). How would he like it if he'd had his testicles extracted via his stomach?

goingtotown · 09/09/2023 12:57

I'd be ok with him going after he's cleaned the bathroom vacuumed & cleaned the house, sorted out the kids toys & washing etc.
Have a couple of days with your newborn while MIL has the 4 & 6 year olds during the day.
Why are guests staying for a week after you've had a C section, that's not unreasonable to cancel their stay.

zingally · 09/09/2023 12:57

First things first.

Cancel the guests.

"Hi X, Unfortunately, I'm going to have to cancel hosting you next week. My postpartum healing is taking longer than expected, and I'm not yet on top of things and feeling up to having company." I see reading on that it's your brother. If he's decent, he'll understand.

Secondly, contact a cleaning company. There's loads round me that'll come and do one-off deep cleans.

Thirdly, remember "there's no gold star for being a martyr."

saffronsoup · 09/09/2023 12:57

Going away for two days is excessive. I wouldn't have an issue with going for a golf game as long as he dropped the older two off with relatives. I disagree with your belief that parents should martyr themselves and never take a moment away from parenting. Take his offer for daytime help from MIL and ask her to spend the day with you as well. And stop trying to vaccuum and clean bathrooms. Have a cleaner come in for a few hours and do a thorough clean before your guests arrive.

ThePoetsWife · 09/09/2023 12:58

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant

Reading this has made me fume.

He isn't a proper partner- he helps out or gets his mummy to do his jobs. He doesn't seem to care for you.

I would be raising hell tbh.

Stop doing things for him - ie his laundry, food etc.

Make sure he spends the next few days cleaning, cleaning and cleaning as well as taking care of the DC.

MeridianB · 09/09/2023 12:59

Just read all your posts @HuckleberryBlackcurrant and I’m raging on your behalf. I’m so sorry you’ve been put in this position. Your husband has no excuse. He’s simply put himself first.

Time for a serious chat about his disappearing acts (paternity leave is not for golf) and a list of chores for each day.

Id also be very honest with you Db and SIL about the help you’d appreciate from them.

Why is DH now coming back later than planned and can this be changed so he’s back earlier instead? Your FIL should be enlisted to help here, rather than encouraging him to abandon you.

🌺🌸🌼

ThomasHardyPerennial · 09/09/2023 13:02

What a selfish dickhead he is. Heaven forbid he misses his precious golf trip 🙄.

Caketoppers · 09/09/2023 13:06

Hi,
For the 30hrs childcare for 3-4 yr olds, is it possible to use 15hrs universal funding in two different settings and then the extended 15hrs in the third setting?

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 09/09/2023 13:07

Sorry but men behave this way because women allow it! Why on earth have you not simply told him that he is not going to golf? How is it even an option? I can’t believe that you’re married, live together, have 3 kids and said you don’t want to say much about it as ‘you’re hormonal’ and it will turn into a fight?! So what! Your whole OP is very passive - ‘my kids’ ‘letting me nap’ ‘helps with the housework’. I’m not blaming you for your husband being terrible but he feels it’s ok to leave you 3 weeks post c-section with 3 kids to go and play golf because you have allowed him to do the bare minimum and opt out of equal parenting. Sorry but my partner, like any other man, tries to do the bare minimum and I just don’t allow it and never have. I would not be able to respect a man that thinks it’s acceptable to take a holiday in these circumstances! It’s 2023, we are not powerless housemaids.

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