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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

566 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:12

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

OP posts:
maxandru · 09/09/2023 11:49

Assuming you didn’t previously tell him it was fine, then yes, he is being incredibly selfish.

However, is he definitely going to go? If so, rather than having an argument I would be inclined to book a girls’ week (or 2?) away when baby is a bit older (1yo?) so you have that to look forward to. He can be in charge for a full 1/2 weeks. I think that’s probably the least he can do in return.

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:49

@WonderingWanda

I have made a list of jobs, he says he's happy to do the lion's share of stuff. I am able to do some housework, just not all of it by myself at this point.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 09/09/2023 11:50

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant oh sorry, how are you coping? I think it is worth having a chat with him about it, he sounds a bit oblivious.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/09/2023 11:50

FFS!
It's hard enough dealing with a 3 week old baby - at that stage it was just a permanent round of feeding and nappy changing - but with two other young children AND you've just had major surgery!!

Stuff the idea that "he's not a mind reader" Anyone who has watched their wife go through that surgery should have absorbed some basic facts about it, in particular, the fact that you should have help with lifting and shouldn't really be doing anything strenuous.

I also think its unfair to say you've been too passive. You are particularly vulnerable and exhausted at the moment and his half-arsed behaviour is making you more so, its clear from your posts that you are stressed and worried about how you will manage and worried about relying too much on MIL (its great that she's on hand tho )
It's not so much being passive but being too tired to get into a fight with someone who bulldozes their way into getting everything they want.

If I was going on a trip and leaving my children and spouse who was still recovering from surgery - I'd make damn sure I know exactly how long I would be away for and exactly how I was getting home and what time I'd return.
Assuredly, HE KNOWS. He was just breaking the bad news piecemeal bit by bit as once you'd digested the first, you could hardly complain about the next.
He's a selfish... a**.

This is one time in your life when you really need him and he's absent, on holiday, treating his paternity leave like licence to golf. Disgraceful. His mum puts up with it because the FIL is also on the trip. What self entitled p*

Book a cleaner, a childminder and any other help you need whether he's on paternity leave or not and keep that going during your DBs visit. Tell DB that you cannot do housework or cooking and that your focus has to be on the kids atm so if they want to get out or go out they are welcome to, you'd like to see them but you are not physically able to act as host so they must be prepared to clean up and look after themselfs.
and get as much medical/physio help as you can to get to recovery - he can foot the bill for he lot.

HarrietStyles · 09/09/2023 11:51

When I was heavily pregnant with our third child (also had a 1 and 3 year old) my husband announced that he was planning to go to London for a long weekend with his pals - when the baby would be about 2/3 weeks old. Told me that it would be a nice break for him, after helping me out on his paternity leave. I was so shocked that I think my jaw hit the floor. I don’t think I even said a word - he saw my incredibly shocked face and said “oh ok, I’ll wait until the baby is a bit older”. What goes through these guys brains?!

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:51

@Bertiesmum3

Is that supposed to be something to aspire to? I've just had major surgery so I don't feel bad about taking it easy.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/09/2023 11:52

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:17

@SunRainStorm

I've not said too much really. I'm tired and hormonal so I think it would end up a fight.

Last weekend he golfed most of Friday and Saturday too, and had his Aunt watch our 4yo. I did say I don't think it's fair to ask other people to watch our children so that we can go off for recreational activities. I said I had never done that.

His response- 'Is that a point of pride?'

'No, I just don't think it's fair to ask people to go out of their way to babysit for an activity we could forgo.'

If I asked him not to go, he wouldn't go. But I'm upset that he even wants to go.

You need to tell him he's not a mind reader

Venturini · 09/09/2023 11:52

SunRainStorm · 08/09/2023 07:13

I'd be furious.

Sick of men being applauded for doing the bare minimum.

What have you said to him about it?

👆and cancel the damn in laws staying at your house. I wouldn’t want to see ANYONE for more than an hour or two within the first month after giving birth, let alone have guests staying. Bonkers. Tell him to pull his head out of his arse and wise up.

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:52

@WonderingWanda

I'm doing ok. He is definitely oblivious I think. I'm trying to decide how to bring it up, and kicking myself for not raising it before hand. I'm just so disappointed he wanted to go at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:53

@HarrietStyles

Why are men so clueless??

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 11:53

grievinggirlneedsadvice · 09/09/2023 08:58

Been thinking about this a lot and reading the thread- I still think your partner is being selfish, he should realise you have had major surgery and dependants and he shouldn't even want to go in my opinion.
However, been thinking about you and why you may be passive/struggle to speak out. They say becoming mothers takes us further back to our childhoods. Were you not allowed to speak up? Be actually punished for talking back and expressing any opinions which has led to you clamming up in this very stressful circumstance. Or maybe when you did express opinions, you were ignored and abandoned and this is putting you off doing it now.
I promise you, you deserve to have these opinions, you are not being a killjoy or a nuisance by telling your partner in life that you need his physical and emotional help at this time. His response is his problem and has no reflection on you.
So I would work on the only thing you can work on, communication with him (even though I stand by my opinion that he should have even entertained the idea but too late for that!) and then see if he puts the work in.
I know how difficult it is because I spent a large amount of my childhood being squashed and told to be quiet and not be such a nuisance, so I find it hard to communicate my needs, I always feel like I'll be shut down. But you deserve to just like me

This is SO good! Re-read this OP!

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:54

@Venturini

I can't really cancel them coming, it's been booked for ages, before we told people we were expecting. They are coming from out of the country and there are no hotels around.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:55

@grievinggirlneedsadvice

Thank you I'm taking this on board x

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 09/09/2023 11:56

I think hes selfish. But as others said the language is wrong ie “helping”….

he should have forgone this years trip

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 11:57

Bertiesmum3 · 09/09/2023 11:10

When I had my children, my partner had the 2 weeks off that men were entitled to!
I had a 3 year old, a 12 month old and a new born, I just got on and done anything that needed doing, 2 hours after C-Section they got me up and walking, there was none of this staying in bed and getting help

Race to the bottom here is it?

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 11:58

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:53

@HarrietStyles

Why are men so clueless??

Because they're allowed to be. They're not conditioned from birth to think of everyone else's needs before their own.

WonderingWanda · 09/09/2023 11:58

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:52

@WonderingWanda

I'm doing ok. He is definitely oblivious I think. I'm trying to decide how to bring it up, and kicking myself for not raising it before hand. I'm just so disappointed he wanted to go at all.

I really feel for you, in my experience I felt quite vulnerable and not myself after giving birth so it probably feels like a massive hill to climb. Why don't you try writing to him. Even if if you don't give it to him itight help you gather your thoughts. Tell him how it's made you feel.

IWishIWasABaller · 09/09/2023 12:00

You're married to a selfish manchild who put his own needs ahead of a wife who just gave birth, had major abdominal surgery and has to look after two other kids as well. I know you are feeling vulnerable now but when you start to feel stronger and more like yourself id be having a serious talk. Saying that, he has very obviously shown you what he is like and how he views your needs what a pity you are so tied to him and away from your home country

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 12:00

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:53

@HarrietStyles

Why are men so clueless??

Sorry. Some men are clueless.

None of this would have crossed my DH's mind. Or my son's. Or my sons-in-law.

You've just got a lousy one.

HarrietStyles · 09/09/2023 12:04

When your husband gets home - ask him how he would have felt if he had just had major abdominal surgery and then 3 weeks later you went off for the weekend leaving him at home with a newborn and two young children throughout the day. Exact same set up. Ask him to really imagine putting himself in your shoes and honestly say if he thinks that he would be fine with it.

Venturini · 09/09/2023 12:08

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:54

@Venturini

I can't really cancel them coming, it's been booked for ages, before we told people we were expecting. They are coming from out of the country and there are no hotels around.

That’s rubbish, as soon as I made the announcement to family I would have insisted that he asks them to rearrange their visit or at the least make arranagements to stay elsewhere while they are in the UK. Is Airbnb not an option if there are no available hotels? Honestly this would make me even more cross than his bloody golfing antics. Good luck OP

Shry · 09/09/2023 12:10

I don't think I'd mind if he asked me how i felt about it. But if he just arranged it i'd be fuming and thats unreasonable.

I think it depends on your relationship and how big you are on communication. No one is perfect and sometimes people do the wrong thing in a certain situation, but equally no one is a mind reader and you need to communicate how you feel for him to know for sure. Its easy to say "he should have known" "its obvious" but thats not really what being part of a team is about and we all have different lines of thoughts and upbringings.

Howdidtheydothat · 09/09/2023 12:11

Leave the mess while he is away (close your eyes to it)
then if DH doesn’t clean on his return either

  1. don’t worry about the cleanliness if everything is large tidy rather than polished and perfect, your house guests will know that newborn period with a toddler in tow is hardwork . maybe they can help you with some of chores. Enjoy your time with babies and stop trying to please everyone else

  2. buy-in a once off intense house clean while DH takes all you out for few hours to a cafe or soft play

  3. if you are recovered enough get DH to agree a cleaning rota e.g you do the bathroom weekly (as he clearly doesn’t notice) , he does the hoovering weekly
    4)get a regular cleaner in

and definitely make sure that you get your fair share of time away with or without the children (if that is what you want at this time)

MonicaPluto · 09/09/2023 12:11

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/09/2023 11:52

You need to tell him he's not a mind reader

Show quote history

Does he need to be a mind reader? or does he just need common sense and basic decency?

Venturini · 09/09/2023 12:13

Venturini · 09/09/2023 12:08

That’s rubbish, as soon as I made the announcement to family I would have insisted that he asks them to rearrange their visit or at the least make arranagements to stay elsewhere while they are in the UK. Is Airbnb not an option if there are no available hotels? Honestly this would make me even more cross than his bloody golfing antics. Good luck OP

Show quote history

Sorry just saw it’s your brother and not his that’s visiting. I hope you can get some help in and that your visitors are as considerate as possible during their stay!