Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

He's a selfish pig OP!!! My exh was like this and swanned off to france on a lads weekend when i was two weeks post c-section, it didn't get any better from there!

you are clearly struggling to verbalize your thoughts to DH. I get that, hormones can do a number on you and I found that they seemed to hamper my ability to marshall my thoughts clearly and then speak them in a coherent way in a conversation that didnt just wait for me.

have you thought about writing him a letter or email. You can take your time and edit before sending it. You can also write version 1 with all your emotions hanging out there (and then leave it in drafts) and send him version 2 with a more productive spin 🤣. Sometimes putting it down on paper helps me to process it all and see the route through.

Been thinking about this a lot and reading the thread- I still think your partner is being selfish, he should realise you have had major surgery and dependants and he shouldn't even want to go in my opinion.
However, been thinking about you and why you may be passive/struggle to speak out. They say becoming mothers takes us further back to our childhoods. Were you not allowed to speak up? Be actually punished for talking back and expressing any opinions which has led to you clamming up in this very stressful circumstance. Or maybe when you did express opinions, you were ignored and abandoned and this is putting you off doing it now.
I promise you, you deserve to have these opinions, you are not being a killjoy or a nuisance by telling your partner in life that you need his physical and emotional help at this time. His response is his problem and has no reflection on you.
So I would work on the only thing you can work on, communication with him (even though I stand by my opinion that he should have even entertained the idea but too late for that!) and then see if he puts the work in.
I know how difficult it is because I spent a large amount of my childhood being squashed and told to be quiet and not be such a nuisance, so I find it hard to communicate my needs, I always feel like I'll be shut down. But you deserve to just like me

This stood out to me:

"We never have lost our tempers with one another and I don't want to start now"

I would have once described my marriage the same way, as though that was a good thing. It really really isn't.

Anger can be your friend. Anger is a protective emotion, it is looking out for you and knows when you're not being treated fairly. It's not always the right thing to swallow it. A healthy relationship can withstand a justified expression of anger.

The best thing I ever did for my marriage was blow my lid at my husband after years of him obliviously putting me second to his ridiculous overbearing family while I swallowed my anger and pretended it was fine, because I thought that was the right thing to do for whatever reason.

It wasn't. It made me resentful and lonely. And he had no idea.

I had to express my anger for him to hear me. Only then did anything change. He was doing what was easy and nice for him- as humans are wired to do. Only when I made it clear that I would not take it, and things would not be easy and nice for him, was he motivated to change anything.

Your husband is being a selfish prick. You shouldn't have to ask for his support right now. So don't ask- get mad. Make him think next time.

Get angry. You have every reason to be.

But you can't do it yourselves at the moment with him going away. If it needs to be done specifically while he's away the two of you should have arranged to get some help - just like he's arranged for your MIL to have older kids. Just wait til he gets back - and have the list ready for him to work through when he returns. It won't take him a week to tidy up unless he's very bad at tidying up.
Anyone visiting a postpartum house shouldn't expect the highest standards of organisation, tidiness etc.
You've known they were coming for a while - would have been a good idea to be more prepared and communicate with your DH - he's not a mind-reader.
Unfortunately you are now in a difficult position because being 3 weeks after a c section you are most likely shattered - but feeling resentful and cross won't fix the situation and won't make you feel any better.
If he asked his mum if he thought he should go that's really quite telling isn't it? Did he ask you and what did you say?

Your language is fascinating.

You don't want confrontation so won't raise the issue. That's not healthy. The communication in your relationship suggests you have bigger issues than just having a baby and not getting help.

Think about this.

You say it yourself, you shouldn't have to tell him that it not ok to go golfing cos you can't escape your own body and can't manage alone.

So you martyr yourself. Or you suffer because he intimidates you so much.

This can only mean you see yourself as not worth it. There is no point in speaking up. You are afraid of the argument. You are not equals and you defer to him all the time. By your own admission you fear the argument so you demonstrate avoidant behaviour.

This is not healthy.

Also I do wonder if taking all that paternity leave isn't about helping you. It's an opportunity to do more golf and then guilt you into saying nothing because of 'how much he is doing'.

Spoiler: he should be doing more.

He is a twat!
he knows he can get female members of the family to run around and pick up his slack (i.e looking after the children). He is taking the piss. You should hire a babysitter for the time he is gone to assist you and then a cleaner as well. Then when he complains about the cost tell him he should have factored that in when he goes for his next trip. You require wrap around help. When you are feeling better and not bf the baby disappear off for your own trip and leave him to pick up the slack.

It does sound like you need communicate more directly with him. Yes, he should probably realise buggaring off to play golf at this point is a douche move but it sound like you’ve been a bit passive aggressive rather than just telling him what you need.

I think the sadest part of these posts by the OP is she actually thinks this unbelievably selfish man, is a good guy.

I suppose if he isn't assaulting you regularly he might appear like a good guy, but only if your relationship bar is on the floor.

He is not a good guy, husband or father.

He's a deeply selfish man and I really hope the scales are falling for the OP.

She has chosen a dud and I suspect has a hard time ahead of her.

I really hope she sorts out her contraception as 3 children with this selfish loser is by far enough.

The wise and sensible thing to do would be to cancel the visitors.

They are not a priority at this time.

All this stress and doing too much will compromise her physical and mental health and put the OP at real risk of PND.

OP, needs to mind herself and prioritise her health and recovery.

I feel so sorry for any woman in this situation.

In my long experience, selfishness by men after the birth of a baby does irreparable damage to a marriages core.

The marriages may continue but the women neither forgive nor forget.

They never care for their partner the same way again.

How a man treats you when unwell or post giving birth goes to the core of who he is.

That is why telling a man No and being unwell within the first year of a relationship is so helpful in weeding out the selfish losers, of which the OP's husband is undoubtedly one.

Only the biggest losers go on golfing holidays during paternity leave when a CSection was involved.

Your husband is completely selfish and should be ashamed of himself and I say this as someone with a partner who is massively into golf. He doesnt sound like a very nice man in all honesty. When our son was born, golf was put on a hold for a short while as it is an expensive hobby that can take up most of the day. My son is 4 now, he still plays golf every Saturday but he plays very early in the morning so he can be back for lunch time and we can still do something as a family. He loves golf but wouldn't dream of going on a 2 day trip 3 weeks after our son was born. I wouldn't put up with what your husband is doing

Yeah I'd be ok with him going IF he thoroughly cleaned the house before he went. Thoroughly to my standards.

I disagree completely here. Have you never heard of babysitters so you can go out to dinner? Really?

Within 6 weeks of c section, a weekend away comes under thoughtless twat.
Add the guests coming , the not doing aaaaalll the cleaning before he went, and youve 2 other kids, it becomes selfish thoughtless twat.

House doesnt need be spotless, and he has arranged assistance with the older 2, but hes clearly not being as supportive as he thinks he is, and isnt considering your physical nor mental recovery from pregnancy and c section.

Could you move in with family and tell him youll be back when its all cleaned ready for guests ?

This!

No way in hell would I put up with this!

As you say it's the fact that he wants to go and doesn't give two hoots about the enormity of the stress it's going to put you under.
You should have another adult with you the whole time not just having the older kids overnight. You still won't be able to lift heavy things.

Give his golf clubs away on Freecycle!

When I had my children, my partner had the 2 weeks off that men were entitled to!
I had a 3 year old, a 12 month old and a new born, I just got on and done anything that needed doing, 2 hours after C-Section they got me up and walking, there was none of this staying in bed and getting help

The reason he's off is to support you and to take care of his responsibilities. I wouldn't be happy either. I remember after my C Section, my Husband wasn't great with the housework and it drove me mad looking at things that needed doing but he did what he thought was needed to keep the house clean and he was always there for emotional support. Which is the main thing. He should be supporting you. Not leaving his family to play Golf 🤦 It's not surprising that you're not happy.

I wish men could actually understand the pain after a c section... your husband sounds pretty selfish... he's prioritising his golf trip over you and your family and he should have been keeping the house and especially the bathroom very clean..you've just had major surgery for gods sake...not to mention a new baby in the house...you are completely entitled to moan and complain about him behaving like an arse, get in an agency to professionally clean your house and to order take aways the whole time he's away to give yourself a peaceful and restful time feel no guilt and charge it all to him...if he can afford a boys golf weekend he can certainly afford to treat his wife...put your feet up x

He's a selfish prick, OP. But you know that.

I think this is totally unreasonable of him. You are recovering from major surgery, it's dangerous. What if your 4 year old is injured or unwell and you are unable to lift him. I say this as someone who's dh did have go away 2 weeks after I gave birth but the massive difference was it was for work and I had not had a c section.

He’s a dick.

I’m sorry he’s not pulling his weight.

I've just seen your reply where you say he wouldn't go if you asked him not to. I think you really need to tell him to stay. Don't engage in an argument, simply tell him you are unable to look after the children on your own. Also please make a list of jobs which need doing around the house and tell him he can do those instead.

@ohboohoo

We go out for dinner 3 times a year. His bday, my bday and our anniversary. Our in laws babysit at those times.

@WonderingWanda

He's already halfway through his trip, but I do need to talk to him about it. I should have done it before.