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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
Strawberryboost · 08/09/2023 12:42

justasking111 · 08/09/2023 12:23

Read the thread he's 18.

Show quote history

Indeed

I was referring to Pp saying the op had “informally fostered”

if a fosterer’s own child is put at a disadvantage due to a foster child being placed - then never would happen.

so it was looking at the comment broadly

Strawberryboost · 08/09/2023 12:43

Otherwise just let the cards fall where they may.

how so?

just let it rumble on? The OP is a parent. A single parent of multiple children. Seeing where “the cards fall” is reckless

Epidote · 08/09/2023 12:50

Your house your rules. If he doesn't adhere to them he must need another place to live. I may be wrong but looks like he is a leech tbh.

billy1966 · 08/09/2023 13:12

His family may be dysfunctional but is the OP's any better allowing an 18 year old male to live in her daughters room?

That is highly dysfunctional.

Fostering services wouldn't allow for a bedroom to be shared from what I know.

She is a very young woman finding her feet and the message her mother is giving her is men are to be facilitated at all costs, even by your own mother ahead of her own children.

What a message.

Her daughter has zero space nor privacy.

If I was one of her teachers I would 100% report the OP to SS for not acting in her daughters best interests.

She has no space.
How could she even be totally honest as to how she feels?

The weight of responsibility that has been placed on her shoulders is absolutely emotionally abusive.

He should be told he can no longer stay.

Let them conduct their relationship from seperate addresses, if they wish..

....but your daughter should have the privacy of her room in her own house to return and unwind in.

That you seem so resistant to this, is so dreadful.

Your poor daughter and children.

It most certainly is not being kind to help someone to the detriment of your own daughter.

It is completely unfathomable to me how any parent could knowlingly put their daughter in this position for so long.

A few nights on a sofa?, yes.

Months and months of your own childs privacy being taken from them?

Absolutely not, not for anyone.

Ponderingwindow · 08/09/2023 14:09

Theeyeballsinthesky · 08/09/2023 12:02

she’s 18 ffs!!’’long term settled relationship’

An 18yo does not have a long term settled relationship. They are teenagers dating with no real sense of actual adult responsibilities.

this kind of situation forces them to stay together when an 18yo should be able to end a relationship on a whim.

Strawberryboost · 08/09/2023 15:44

@Theeyeballsinthesky

”long term relationship”??

what - 2 years and it’s been “on and off”

maybe you’d consider this “long term” if you were in year 10

Theeyeballsinthesky · 08/09/2023 15:52

Yes exactly that’s my point

she’s 18, I cannot understand people describing this as a long term settled relationship

Strawberryboost · 08/09/2023 16:03

Theeyeballsinthesky · 08/09/2023 15:52

Yes exactly that’s my point

she’s 18, I cannot understand people describing this as a long term settled relationship

Someone who would allow an unemployed, lazy, inconsiderate man to live in squalor on their teen daughter’s bedroom

Brightandshining · 08/09/2023 16:24

Don't hide them from him. He's 18, not a young child... that is well old enough to actually just have a discussion and set reasonable boundaries. It sounds like it's been unclear what the rules are so far. Perhaps have separate places for snacks he can help himself to and ones you are saving for something or for the other DCs. Then if his snacks go he knows he can't help himself to any more and would need to buy his own.
I think you just need to have clear rules on place. Not 'hiding' just tell him you are going to separate snacks for the other DCs from now on as its not been fair that he's been eating all the snacks before they've got any.

Brightandshining · 08/09/2023 16:31

And I completely disagree with pp saying he shouldn't be living there.
I think you have made the sensible choice given the circumstances. If these two have been friends since they were 12 it probably means so much to her that we're he to leave she would probably go with him... which would put her in a vulnerable position.
I know this from personal experience. My boyfriend when I was 17 came to live with us for a while because tragically his parents died. Eventually even tho he worked full time and bought all his own food my parents told him to leave. The outcome of that is that I dropped out of education and went with him... and we moved hundreds of miles away. And things got very bad for me.
I think teens can be very romantic and idealistic. There was no way I would abandon my recently orphaned boyfriend at that age no matter what my parents said or did.
Op is right to try and support the daughter in this way or else the daughter might end up trying to help this boy alone and sacrificing alot of her own life for it.
Eventually over time whilst she is still in the home they can work on her ideas about it. Hopefully when she gets a bit older she will tire of him if he remains as big of a loser. And then it's easy to just ask him to leave for her... this will not be the case if she runs off with him as a teen.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/09/2023 16:45

@Brightandshining

but that was your choice to leave with him. Surely you can see that it’s an unfair ask for parents to have to house their teenagers boyfriend for anything other than a couple of nights?

Strawberryboost · 08/09/2023 16:49

Brightandshining · 08/09/2023 16:31

And I completely disagree with pp saying he shouldn't be living there.
I think you have made the sensible choice given the circumstances. If these two have been friends since they were 12 it probably means so much to her that we're he to leave she would probably go with him... which would put her in a vulnerable position.
I know this from personal experience. My boyfriend when I was 17 came to live with us for a while because tragically his parents died. Eventually even tho he worked full time and bought all his own food my parents told him to leave. The outcome of that is that I dropped out of education and went with him... and we moved hundreds of miles away. And things got very bad for me.
I think teens can be very romantic and idealistic. There was no way I would abandon my recently orphaned boyfriend at that age no matter what my parents said or did.
Op is right to try and support the daughter in this way or else the daughter might end up trying to help this boy alone and sacrificing alot of her own life for it.
Eventually over time whilst she is still in the home they can work on her ideas about it. Hopefully when she gets a bit older she will tire of him if he remains as big of a loser. And then it's easy to just ask him to leave for her... this will not be the case if she runs off with him as a teen.

@Brightandshining your parents told a full time employed man who was paying for his own food - to move on.

You chose to go with him

This DD is having her bedroom / study space taken over by a messy disrespectful lazy and unemployed man.

2Rebecca · 08/09/2023 17:20

I don't see how the OP is going to manage to evict this young man when she needs to though. House sharing with a boyfriend who is completely dependent on your family is a rubbish option for a teenager. Her mother has got rid of her private space

Mrsmozza123 · 08/09/2023 17:54

@tobatz0220 Did the snacking/not having meals, messiness and skipping school start around the same time as the incident with his parents?
It sounds like he’s really struggling. Lethargic slobby behaviour can so often come from a place of sadness. He may be happy living with you but it sounds really traumatic for his parents to not be speaking to him. He might be sadder than he’s letting on about that, either because he doesn’t want to be vulnerable in someone else’s house. Or because he doesn’t know how to express it. From the bits you’ve said it doesn’t sound like his family deal with emotions well so he won’t have learnt how.
You are absolutely right to put some boundaries and rules around food. He is being unreasonable and you would be in your rights to put your foot down about taking food. I’d also be offering him some support with the situation he’s in.
you sound like a good person taking him in. X

1mabon · 08/09/2023 18:06

You have enabled this situation, so get it sorted p.d.q. Send him home or tell him to find a flat.

MMAS · 08/09/2023 18:10

If he would be willing to go to the Doctor then I'd ask for him to be checked for Thyroid and possible Diabetes in the first instance. Both can lead to a sugar addiction in the first instance. It also smacks of depression but only you will know if there is a reason for that. Given his age and lack of enthusiasm I would urgently request those tests if you could. There may well be something in his family health history that you and he are unaware of that makes him susceptible to either conditions. Both are manageable and can change a person's total outlook in life when caught early enough. In the meantime, try to limit access to sugar until you have a diagnosis.

Pinkpeanut27 · 08/09/2023 18:13

It sounds like he may have an eating issue / disorder and maybe some other mental health issues ? Ive been through it however we did get to a point where they we only with us Fri- sun and they would eat 1 good meal a day although often it was basic although we did push things a bit . But during the week they lived off crisps , snacks and ice cream . It was very sad and they split up but there was definitely undiagnosed mental health issues .

I had no control in their relationship but while he was with me I treated him as one of my own , I provided snacks but also found out he was big into fruit so always had that freely available for him . We do t really have separate foods so nothing was out of bounds .

jobie70 · 08/09/2023 18:25

Hide them.. put enough in the cupboard for one day.. if he eats them all.. then tell him he a selfish little girl and other people live in ur house😂💕

Mrsmozza123 · 08/09/2023 18:34

Gosh, does everything need a diagnosis? Could he just be sad about life events and fallen into bad habits without being full on depressed.

His parents have dumped him and he’s possibly grieving. He’s lost the zest for life and comfort eating?

anon666 · 08/09/2023 18:37

It all sounds v complicated but I would hide the food from him.

He's likely addicted to it so this might even be in his best interests

MrsB74 · 08/09/2023 18:41

The boy has been through a lot and is obviously struggling. It is admirable that you took him in, but I would (like many others here) be worried about the effect on your daughter long term of them effectively living together at such a young age when she is just starting uni and finding herself.

He needs structure in his life - hopefully college will help with that and he needs to look realistically at his options, so discuss all that with him. Whilst you would never see him homeless he needs help to sort out where he will live long term. He and your daughter, who is your priority, both need their space to grow up a bit. I think when he is more sure of his future he will sort out his eating. Tell him you are worried about him/his health and that his snacking is out of control and you want to help him fix it (and that he is eating every one else’s food which is unsustainable). If that means putting food elsewhere/locking it away then so be it. The situation with his mother is dreadful and he’s trying to process that.

Siestamama · 08/09/2023 18:49

I can’t believe the number of people who say the stepdad ‘has the measure’ of this boy - the stepdad’s an abusive asshole. Forcing him out of the house and telling him not to come back looks like a territory dispute IMO, OP you’re a good person for wanting to help. His actual mother should be giving you financial assistance toward food.

BustyLaRoux · 08/09/2023 18:49

This is disordered eating. It can be a sign of something or it can be learned behaviour, but rather than lock food away you need to speak to him and lay some boundaries but also work out if he needs a bit of support (I don’t mean with his eating per se).

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 08/09/2023 18:52

He is living in your house as family rather than as a guest. You are parenting him so your house +your rules.

I think you should tell him about DD’s disappointment over the selfishness (and failing to share)on the cake. Be matter-of-fact. He needs to learn.

This could be a new start. He buys his own snacks … or perhaps gets to take a fair share of the family ones but is given dinner?
Better for him!

SonicStars · 08/09/2023 19:08

I know you said you weren't coming back on here but I just wanted to wish you luck with the difficult conversation about him not eating meals. If it was just the last couple of weeks perhaps it's anxiety about starting college?