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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
weirdoboelady · 08/09/2023 09:58

I think your relationship with him is a strange one. You took him in when he was still a child (under 18) and he is even now only just 18. Obviously out of the goodness of your heart - I do have concerns about your daughter living with him at such a young age but you don't want to discuss that, so I won't. I'm just going to give you a different way of looking at this.

I'm going to forget all the 'relationship with your daughter' stuff and just focus on everyone's health. Here you have a young person who you are enabling to live on junk food only and reject real food. If it was your daughter, would you be continuing to buy snacks and not feed her real meals? I suspect the answer to this is no, so why are you enabling this young man, that you obviously care about, to do this?

(Also, in a sub thread going on in my mind, I will put small amounts of money on the hypothesis that he is leaving snack wrappers all around the bedroom and that you will eventually get a mouse infestation.)

I think I would be having a conversation with BOTH of them about this, saying how concerned you are, how you realise that you are enabling a dangerously unhealthly lifestyle, and this is going to change. I'm sure all the other MN will jump down my throat, but yes I would be hiding ALL snacks and only issuing them or access to them if proper meals have been eaten. Hopefully eating some proper food will at least lift his mood a bit and start to set him on the right road. Also talk about the mouse thing - no more eating in bedrooms. This is horribly restrictive, I know, but you will need to be rather heavy handed to change things, and it does sound as if you want to make some changes. (I think you need to, but there's no reason you should care about my view. Your OP sounds as if you want to.)

You sound like a lovely caring person - can you be an effective caring person by doing this?

Smittenkitchen · 08/09/2023 09:59

I think the neighbour did him absolutely no favours by giving him odd jobs when he should have been at school. I understand why you felt in a difficult position and wanted him to take responsibility for his own attendance etc. but perhaps going to school could have been a condition to living at yours? Anyway that ship has sailed. I think you need to be a bit stricter with him, he's living in your house and eating your food. It's good you're going to have a word with him. He sounds like he needs some clear boundaries. Agree with PP that he sounds depressed.

Koalasparkles · 08/09/2023 10:00

Not unreasonable at all. He's now a "grown up", can get a job and buy his own food. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to tell him that the snacks are just for you, your partner and the kids. You can't plan meals etc if he's eating things. You've been v generous letting him live with you (whatever the reasons are), but he could go get a job and get his own place now. Whether he does or not, that's up to him. If he studies and cracks down, fine, but that should come with rules in my opinion. One of those should be to stop being a CF and eating everyone's snacks you already provide a meal, if he doesn't want to eat it then he's an idiot.

LadyBird1973 · 08/09/2023 10:19

I can really relate to how this has happened. DS had a girlfriend who moved on when her stepdad threw her out. It was meant to be temporary until uni but then neither of them went. Covid happened and they were both here for a few years. The house wasn't really big enough for an extra person, the bedroom got messy due to lack of space and they started to behave as if they are equal paying tenants in a flat share. I think she and DS thought they did loads to be helpful but I was constantly coming home to mess. It came to a bit of a head and they have moved out now. But relations have been impacted - you start off doing a good thing to help and in the end it bites you in the arse!

He needs to move out now. You have been helpful and supportive but I truly don't think this is working out for you. And it does potentially trap your daughter. He's not respecting your home and because he isn't yours, you are in that awkward place of not knowing how (or if you should) parent him. He and dd are living in the no man's land between adult relationship and teenagers at home. She needs some space to grow.
I wish I'd done things differently.

porridgeisbae · 08/09/2023 10:34

There's a large locked box at my friend's where he can keep his snacks when I come over. Smile

I imagine he's a bit down about failing his A-levels.

TheGoddessFrigg · 08/09/2023 10:36

You are teaching your daughter to put her own needs second to that of a deadbeat male. If she doesn't end up with this one, there will be many more to take his place.
This reminds me so much of my parents, and it makes me sad that they, and you, could not tell your daughters that they are worth SO MUCH MORE.

porridgeisbae · 08/09/2023 10:36

It's not an ideal setup all round though OP.

BetterWithPockets · 08/09/2023 10:38

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/09/2023 08:04

@BetterWithPockets

its not kind on her daughter though is it?

I don’t see why that’s the case. It sounds to me as though the OP’s daughter is very level-headed and the two have a very good relationship, so I’m assuming if the OP’s DD does ever want to split up with her boyfriend, she’ll be able to talk to her mum about it — as the OP has said.

user1492757084 · 08/09/2023 10:39

Tell the boyfriend that you will provide breakfast and an evening meal if he is at home but that he has to buy and make his own lunch and snacks.

You are enabling him to stay a child.
Also ask him to pay rent and allocate him regular chores .. like cleaning one bathroom and vaccuming.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/09/2023 10:44

@BetterWithPockets

how have you worked out that the two have a “really good relationship”?

can you really not see how it’s backed the daughter into a corner? How hard it would be for her to extricate herself from the relationship when he lives with her in her family home and knowing that would make him homeless.

she is 18 ffs, she deserves better from those around her

Zimunya · 08/09/2023 10:47

@tobatz0220 - not sure why you've come in for such a load of criticism on this thread. I think what you are doing with your DD's BF - giving him a home and family support - is wonderful, and all credit to you for that.

As to the actual question - it's absolutely fine to keep school snacks separately and for everyone to be told that they are not available. Your house, your rules.

CheshireCat1 · 08/09/2023 10:48

It sounds as though he is struggling, maybe depression.

Thelnebriati · 08/09/2023 11:00

I think you meant well but this isn't going to end well for him or your daughter. Step up and put in some boundaries. Let him know where he stands now and give him some warning of what you expect of him when your daughter leaves to go to university.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/09/2023 11:03

@Zimunya
Do you think it’s “wonderful” for the daughter?

HowToSaveAWife · 08/09/2023 11:04

TheGoddessFrigg · 08/09/2023 10:36

You are teaching your daughter to put her own needs second to that of a deadbeat male. If she doesn't end up with this one, there will be many more to take his place.
This reminds me so much of my parents, and it makes me sad that they, and you, could not tell your daughters that they are worth SO MUCH MORE.

Agree with and seconding this OP. You mean well but all you've done is teach your daughter how to appease a cocklodger. She's going to uni, she needs to be untethered from him and his living situation. She needs to explore the world.

CosyNightsOnTheSofa · 08/09/2023 11:09

FattyGonzalez · 07/09/2023 11:24

Does he have adhd? Perhaps you need to sit him down 1:1 and ask him if hes ok. Future plans etc. where you would normally speak to your own kids here, perhaps he feels hes got no one for advice. I know your not his parent.

with food, also ask him. I dont know what the past is to him being underweight but eating shit could be some underlying bad food issue. Maybe just say, your worried hes not eating well and it will make him ill. Say hes not to eat the crap until hes eaten the meal

🙄 quick diagnose him! Maybe he has a serious case of lazyitis?!

Op why are you keeping another adult who isn't your child? I just wouldn't put up with this. Where are his own parents? Maybe they could feed him? To be honest I wouldn't want a lazy dropout dating my daughter, I do hope he isn't dragging her down with him. Hopefully it'll fizzle when she gets to uni, 95% of relationships end in the first term at uni, I think I know 2 people who went out at school, went to uni and actually stayed together, the rest cheated in freshers week and were single by Christmas.

So yeah he won't be your problem shortly.

CoffeeBean5 · 08/09/2023 11:24

tobatz0220 · 08/09/2023 09:35

This will be my last post on this thread, thanks everyone who actually answered my question and I will talk to him and only have the snacks out that aren't for lunchboxes.

Not sure why people are making assumptions, I do have saving, a mortgage and I don't have a low paying job. And no, I don't just want a man around the house. I have a DP that doesn't live with us but if that was the reason, he would be living with us.

I'm not sure how it's “creepy” that I want to help him.

So you care more about your younger dc's cupcakes being eaten than your elder daughter's future? She will never break up with him because he's spun a tale of being homeless if he leaves. He needs to go back to his mum or dad or grandparents'. He also needs to speak to his college pastoral team if his family don't want him back. They can provide the ptofessional help he needs. You can't provide this.

Your dd will never be able to enjoy uni if she is always with yer lazy unmotivated bf.

Zimunya · 08/09/2023 11:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/09/2023 11:03

@Zimunya
Do you think it’s “wonderful” for the daughter?

My understanding (possibly incorrect?) is that the daughter is in a long term, relatively settled relationship with this lad, and is content for him to remain in the family home?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 08/09/2023 12:02

she’s 18 ffs!!’’long term settled relationship’

justasking111 · 08/09/2023 12:07

You're a lovely person informally fostering. Have a word about the snacks. Encourage him to get a job, evenings weekends he's going to need money to visit your daughter.

Otherwise just let the cards fall where they may.

crosstalk · 08/09/2023 12:19

I know it was your last post OP and that you will sit him down to talk to him about his eating, as well as keeping control of the snacks. On top of his depression he doesn't want to get into the vicious circle of depressed - eat - put on weight -more depression - more eating etc. But some PPs have a point. He's a nice lad, and you've been a mainstay after he's effectively been kicked out by his family and failed his A levels. But if he does have to move out because they fall out of love, it will take a long time for him to find a place. So you do need to have spoken to some of the services mentioned above to find out what the odds are. Nothing would be worse for him - or your daughter - if they are forced to continue living together and sharing a bed when either or both don't want to.

GrinAndVomit · 08/09/2023 12:20

Where does he get his money from?

Strawberryboost · 08/09/2023 12:21

justasking111 · 08/09/2023 12:07

You're a lovely person informally fostering. Have a word about the snacks. Encourage him to get a job, evenings weekends he's going to need money to visit your daughter.

Otherwise just let the cards fall where they may.

Social services would never ever place a foster child I. This scenario

why? Because one of the foster carers own children will share a room with someone who makes her room akin to a squalor and no doubt impacts her studying and general well being

justasking111 · 08/09/2023 12:23

Strawberryboost · 08/09/2023 12:21

Social services would never ever place a foster child I. This scenario

why? Because one of the foster carers own children will share a room with someone who makes her room akin to a squalor and no doubt impacts her studying and general well being

Show quote history

Read the thread he's 18.

BetterWithPockets · 08/09/2023 12:39

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/09/2023 10:44

@BetterWithPockets

how have you worked out that the two have a “really good relationship”?

can you really not see how it’s backed the daughter into a corner? How hard it would be for her to extricate herself from the relationship when he lives with her in her family home and knowing that would make him homeless.

she is 18 ffs, she deserves better from those around her

@LuckySantangelo35 people are allowed to have different opinions on MN as in real life! You can have your view; I can have mine. I’m not asking you to agree with me…