Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
Spangles01 · 08/09/2023 19:15

I think some of the messages here are quite harsh. It actually sounds to me like he is struggling with some sort of eating disorder. I wouldn’t be surprised if under the mess there are food wrappers etc. what he needs is your help…

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 08/09/2023 19:17

BetterWithPockets · 08/09/2023 10:38

I don’t see why that’s the case. It sounds to me as though the OP’s daughter is very level-headed and the two have a very good relationship, so I’m assuming if the OP’s DD does ever want to split up with her boyfriend, she’ll be able to talk to her mum about it — as the OP has said.

Show quote history

To me the problem is that the daughter might not KNOW she wants to break up with him because they’re being pushed into playing house by the OP. She doesn’t have any privacy or space to grow, away from this boyfriend because her mother has moved him into her house. How can she make these choices before she’s really experienced what else is out there? She is already going to a local university and still living at home - where her boyfriend will be, 24/7. if she wants to cop off with a course mate, she can’t because her boyfriend is waiting at home for her. It’s too much. University (or your early 20s in general) should be about spreading your wings and finding out who you are and what you want. It took me until I was 31 to settle down with a man, and you know what? It was fucking wonderful having the freedom to travel, live in different countries, sleep with lots of different men, generally learn who I am and how to please myself. Then I met a man who also spent his twenties doing similar, and we are amazing together.

I know some people get together in their teens and stay together forever. Neither of the two teens in this situation have chosen this situation through emotional maturity though - it’s been foisted upon them by circumstance and facilitated by the OP. I know as an 18 year old I wouldn’t have had a clue what was out there for me/what I would have been missing by tying myself to my first boyfriend. Op should be parenting her daughter by prioritising her future, not tying herself to her high school boyfriend.

ScribblingPixie · 08/09/2023 20:05

I'd put snacks that are ok for him/anyone to eat in one place and tell him that's his lot as you need to be organised/it's not fair on others. I'd also be worried about his meals though. If he doesn't eat properly he's going to feel unwell and lethargic which isn't going to help him keep his life together. It does rather sound as if he has developed issues around eating tied in with the emotional turmoil?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/09/2023 20:07

How long has he lived with you? Since under 18? If so, you should be parenting, feeding appropriately and telling him to clean up.

Redebs · 08/09/2023 20:10

Since they were 12?🙄

Lovetoplan · 08/09/2023 20:10

Is it possible that he could be anxious and this is causing the unhealthy eating patterns? Usually best to just keep offering healthy options but let him also eat what he likes without judgement. He will probably settle in time.

celia5678 · 08/09/2023 20:25

Does he need help, advice and support to work out where he is going with his life?

Maelil01 · 08/09/2023 20:30

Zanatdy · 08/09/2023 06:23

Jeez mumsnet mums have hung, drawn and quartered this guy. I’m sure your daughter is capable of letting you know if the relationship isn’t working for her anymore and I guess then he will need to work out a place to live. I wouldn’t have seen him homeless either OP. I do think you need to tell him if he’s not attending college he’s to get a job. I know you’re not his parent but he’s 18 and still young and probably needs that kick up the bum. Does he know what he wants to do? Re-sit A levels? A course, maybe he needs a bit of motherly advice.

re the food just have a word, say your kids are upset the snacks are going quickly so you have a new rule or you’re locking them away so they last the week. Tell him shopping is expensive and prices are rising. If he’s not even contributing financially at the moment then he can’t complain. Are they both working part time? Sorry can’t remember if you said, but both at 18 can be contributing a little to bills. Your DD will have a student loan and can work part time around Uni and full time in holidays, same for the boy.

It’s “hanged”
Pictures are hung, people are hanged.

TallerThanAverage · 08/09/2023 20:33

Neodymium · 07/09/2023 11:17

I have a locked cupboard that I keep school snacks in. The kids and dh will just eat them all otherwise and then there is nothing for school.

Why would you lock things away? Unless they have something like Prader-Willi syndrome can’t you just tell them not to eat them? And if they ignore you and run out before the end of the week, they then go without.

OP like here, tell the boyfriend what can and can’t be eaten.

Zanatdy · 08/09/2023 20:34

do you feel better now having corrected that? Add spelling / grammar corrects to the list of the crazy bored mums who love to criticise and make up information on people on here. Lots of hobbies out there you know.

Sennelier1 · 08/09/2023 20:39

Hiding all the nice snacks would be doing something about the symptons without tackeling the reason why. I guess that boy thinks "not eating meals" means he isn 't costing you anything. But he's hungry and so he snacks 🤷🏼‍♀️ 18 is still a teenager, right? I think you should sit him down, explain how much a family meal costs, and that he's welcome to share that meal. But that the extra's are for your DC and if he wants some he'll have to make a contribution. That boy is old enough to make solid agreements with.

alwaysmovingforwards · 08/09/2023 20:55

You're training a future cocklodger

laurazepam · 08/09/2023 21:06

You sound like a lovely mum and like you really care about him too. Sounds like he's been left without family support and is depressed. He needs a bit of time to adjust, start his course and find some direction. If he makes your daughter happy then support him through the hard times and just have a word about the snacks. He sounds like he's a bit low and eating patterns are suffering a bit. He probably just needs a bit of time and understanding to find his way. I'm not sure why everyone on here is so harsh. He's barely an adult

TheSquareMile · 08/09/2023 21:37

Is it possible that he's filling up on cheap stuff like chips from a chip shop?

If he's not eating meals and just seems to be taking snacks, that's not enough to eat for someone of his age. It sounds as though he is getting other food elsewhere, perhaps using his odd-job money.

Eating such a poor diet is not going to help his health, physical or mental.

borninthe80esss · 08/09/2023 21:42

laurazepam · 08/09/2023 21:06

You sound like a lovely mum and like you really care about him too. Sounds like he's been left without family support and is depressed. He needs a bit of time to adjust, start his course and find some direction. If he makes your daughter happy then support him through the hard times and just have a word about the snacks. He sounds like he's a bit low and eating patterns are suffering a bit. He probably just needs a bit of time and understanding to find his way. I'm not sure why everyone on here is so harsh. He's barely an adult

Couldn't agree more.

Regarding snacks I wouldn't lock them away, just sit him down and have an adult conversation about his eating habits.
I wouldn't be surprised if there was a bit of depression going on.
As for his family.. It's disgusting that his mother has allowed this and is now stopping him having a relationship with his sibling. Once he is in college you could speak with there safeguarding team, just to make them aware that he is a vulnerable young adult and see if they can help.
There was a boy in my sons college who was sofa surfing after stepdad kicked him out at 16, they helped him get a housing association flat and he's now a apprentice electrician. Thank god for people like you who has shown him kindness, awful to think what could happen to teens like this otherwise.

AllyArty · 08/09/2023 21:57

I think it would be unreasonable to hide the treats. IMO the best thing to do would be to have a chat with him and your dd and explain that you should have set out some house rules when he moved in and you are sorry you didn’t but you feel you need to now. I’d be as kind as possible because you seem to be the only decent adult in his life and he must feel so unloved. Also your dd won’t like it if you are too hard on him.

Nonethemiser · 09/09/2023 00:16

Goodness - there are some harsh posters on here today. I agree with some of the early posters that he sound depressed and if he's been ostracised by his own family that's probably not surprising. Boys often mature later than girls and he's only 18 - not 28. FWIW I don't think their relationship will last and it's difficult for OP as it shouldn't really be her problem BUT she does make the point he's helpful around the house which makes it sound like he's a decent lad. If his own parents won't help (what about his real Dad?) it sounds to me that he desperately needs a caring adult to talk to.

ensayers · 09/09/2023 01:01

Does he have the munchies, if you know what I mean??

SunRainStorm · 09/09/2023 02:18

There's no question this boy needs support, but OP isn't the person to provide it and neither is her daughter. It's wildly inappropriate and puts so much pressure on her own child.

It's unfortunate the OP can't see that.

Ffion21 · 09/09/2023 07:08

Before you start locking food in a cupboard what did he say when you spoke to him about it? Assuming you have otherwise to jump to the plan of locking cakes in a cupboard sounds pretty bizarre.

Putting that aside you should be sitting down and discussing how he plans to be independent and agreeing a path for his own living arrangements. It’s a young age to tie your daughter down, she won’t ever be able to break up with someone she lives with at 18, so even if she emotionally moves on she’s not able too as you’ve got the boyfriend living in this family setup with you all.

Anewnamea · 09/09/2023 07:20

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 14:12

@Feverly posters said knowing the background may be relevant.

He's been here since January and I had no issue with him living here, I got along well with him and I don't think he's spoilt or ungrateful. As I said in my OP he is going to college, his course doesn't start until next week but I don't know if he'll stick to it. DD is going to a uni nearby so she isn't moving out.

You acted out of kindness but I too worry about if it’s best for your daughter or not.

His treatment by his stepdad is an all too familiar story and it’s shocking his mum stood by and let this happen.

People are so quick to say he is lazy and ungrateful but it doesn’t sound as if he was raised in a very kind or nurturing environment. It’s not the 1970s, 18 year olds can’t waltz into council housing so turfing your child out at that age is effectively making them homeless.

he sounds as if he’s depressed or struggling to cope and this is the beginning of a binge eating disorder or at least comfort eating, so perhaps ask him not to eat the snacks but signpost him to mental Health services and come up with a plan for him to get on his own two feet with support from you if needed but not reliant on you. It could be that both kids feel like they need to stay with each other if the support from you is linked to him being with your daughter.

I read a thread on here about a guy who allegedly stuck with his girlfriend for longer than he wanted due to his closeness with her family - he was estranged from his own family. This could lead to resentment on both sides in later years.

Kernowhoo · 09/09/2023 07:24

Why don’t you sit down and explain your concerns to him?

  1. you’re concerned about the impact on his health
  2. the cost of providing this amount of snacks is unsustainable for you
  3. him eating purely snacks means your own children are not getting their share of the snacks in the house
crawfy86 · 09/09/2023 07:33

She posted above that he regularly cooks the meals for the family x

Anewnamea · 09/09/2023 07:37

“I can really relate to how this has happened. DS had a girlfriend who moved on when her stepdad threw her out”

Sick of hearing cases like this. Yes biological parents/father chuck their children out too but it’s a disproportionate amount of cases involving homeless children and young adults where a step parent has led the way in forcing the child out as soon as they’re 16 or 18 and it’s shocking. I don’t know how any parent can stand by and let this happen. Parents be very careful about letting in unrelated adults to your family home who don’t love your children as they would their own.

My childhood best friend had a lovely caring stepdad much better than her own biological dad (and better than mine too!) so I’m not applying this to all stepparents btw.

Her and her mum did have some typical arguments when she was in her late teens/early 20s but he’d never had got involved with trying to throw her out. I was almost jealous of her having such a wonderful stepdad, but interestingly she said she still found his presence annoying and missed the first 10 years of her life when it was just her and her mum despite her acknowledging he was a stand up guy . And he was like the nicest guy ever. So how much more worse is it for a child who has a bad stepparent?

Strawberryboost · 09/09/2023 07:53

Anewnamea · 09/09/2023 07:37

“I can really relate to how this has happened. DS had a girlfriend who moved on when her stepdad threw her out”

Sick of hearing cases like this. Yes biological parents/father chuck their children out too but it’s a disproportionate amount of cases involving homeless children and young adults where a step parent has led the way in forcing the child out as soon as they’re 16 or 18 and it’s shocking. I don’t know how any parent can stand by and let this happen. Parents be very careful about letting in unrelated adults to your family home who don’t love your children as they would their own.

My childhood best friend had a lovely caring stepdad much better than her own biological dad (and better than mine too!) so I’m not applying this to all stepparents btw.

Her and her mum did have some typical arguments when she was in her late teens/early 20s but he’d never had got involved with trying to throw her out. I was almost jealous of her having such a wonderful stepdad, but interestingly she said she still found his presence annoying and missed the first 10 years of her life when it was just her and her mum despite her acknowledging he was a stand up guy . And he was like the nicest guy ever. So how much more worse is it for a child who has a bad stepparent?

Edited

In these scenarios - it is the biological parent that is totally and utterly failing their child.