To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

[tobatz0220]

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

Strike trough mystery

Bloody hell, talk about over stretching

Mix56 · 26/04/2021 20:34

My daughter is now 32. when she was little, she would eat porridge, bread/toast & butter, pasta with butter, kiri, salami, crisps, petit suisse.
She never, ever ate anything else.

Given your views - this must have really hit you hard!

*@SurelyBassey Zinn
I can’t understand why you would want this boy in your home. Do you have a partner? Do you subconsciously want a man in your home?

If his family won’t support him, he should be encouraged to become independent. He should certainly be expected to have a proper job.

Bloody hell, talk about over stretching*

Nah! I agree! It's such a weird setup that it drives you to question the op's motives! She's too accommodating of this young lad - no real reason other than the fact that his family have abandoned him and she feels sorry for him! I feel sorry for homeless people but I don't drag them into my home and do put my son's life at risk!

What a ridiculous thread.

Your story has changed with every post.

OP you sound so lovely sharing your home with this poor lad. I'm sure you have already but telling him one on one that you're worried about his eating and that it would mean a lot to you to see him at mealtimes might be something.. He does sound down and when you feel like your family don't want you it's a lot to take. Knowing you're there for him will mean a lot.

Can he apply for Universal Credit or Housing Benefit?

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/benefits/can_students_claim_benefits_to_help_with_rent

What kind of course is he planning to do?

I noticed that you mentioned that he cooks but refuses to join in with eating what he has cooked and that large quantities of food suddenly disappear in one go. It's worth giving some thought to the idea that he might have an eating disorder.

I'm wondering whether you could invite his mother to go out for lunch, just the two of you.

Gosh, OP — a lot of posters on here taking you to task for doing what I think is a very kind thing: giving a teenage boy a home and some stability

You shouldn't prioritise providing stability to people and take them in to your home and to your daughter's bed at the detriment of your own family. This teenager is now responsible for another person's health and happiness. And their home.

Teaching a daughter to be kind is not a good lesson. Keep Sweet.

If your daughter isn’t moving away from uni she deserves some freedom when coming home.

she deserves to be able to be on nights out, with the freedom of knowing her bf isn’t at home clock watching.

She deserves to be able to come home and study in peace.

She deserves the space to be able to tell her bf ‘I can’t see you tonight, I’m studying/tired/going out’

You've tried to do the best thing for him, I’d say this change for uni gives you the perfect time to sit them down and start making changes for the best of all of you. It isn’t fair on any of you (especially your kids) to have someone in the house living so differently (eg opting out of family meals and instead eating the smaller kids treats), not studying and not working. Right now you’re only hoping he’ll be going to college-what if he does the same this upcoming year and skips classes or drops out (or gets kicked out?)
Start discussions now with them both on plans when he will be moving out.

The reason most people are answering like I am (get him out) is because this is really unusual.
I do feel sorry for your daughter starting her uni life, she shouldn’t be worrying at what’s going on at home (eg has her bf attended college or eaten all the snacks).

Strawberryboost,
You are correct, it was horrific, particularly as we eat sitting down at table 3 times a day
However she was not eating random crap food between meals
She also is also neuro atypical.
Thank you for your input

This situation is not in the best interest of your daughter, you seem oblivious to the pressure this puts on her.

This is such a brilliant post. There is no stability or stable home. I mean, my heart says I would want to take a child in in this situation, but I know I would be ill-equipped. He needs support. You need support op to take him to the next level.

The first thing you should be doing is sitting him down and having a conversation with him. Set out your expectations as to how things will move forward. That he needs to stop eating the snacks and he needs to eat meals properly with the family. That he needs to clean up after himself and have set chores etc.

id also be saying that if he doesn’t go to college then he does have to get a job and start paying rent. Why haven’t his actual parents been providing for him and paying you for his keep whilst at school? Your own children are effectively losing out as you pay for someone else’s child?

A lot of people have told you that you are not acting in the best interests of your daughter, OP. They’re right. I am mid-30s now but remember being an 18 year old with a boyfriend SO clearly. If my mother had facilitated him moving into my house I would have been so dragged down and missed out of some of the best years of my life, some of the most wonderful experiences which led to my ambitions and expectations of my life growing significantly. You’re clipping your daughters wings massively - she might not have the perspective to know it yet because she’s 18 (I know you said you asked her). This is shit parenting.

Sounds like there were food issues in his childhood growing up - I'd have a sit down conversation and perhaps agree a purchase of his own supply but it has to last a week - that way he can learn food is available and it doesn't have to be grabbed all the time

I assume his mother still claimed child benefit?

He needs a proper plan. He can't stay with you forever and if they do break up he's stuffed,

There’s a lot more going on here that just a question about hiding snacks.
He sounds very much like my husband who has severe ADHD. My husband can wash up but he can’t work out a system for his own belongings. He eats things without thinking about the consequences. He can’t hold down a job or finish school course etc. A lot of ADHDers do fine at school until they get to the part with less teacher discipline and more reliance of self-motivation (6th form, uni, college).
ADHDers really struggle with mid and long term vision. If a consequence is not right under their nose in the very immediate future they struggle to assess the impact of their actions.
You need to set some boundaries in your home. I suspect he lives with you because his own parents are struggling with undiagnosed ADHD and they run a dysfunctional household.

I feel quite sorry for him. I'd be a bit worried , I think you are too. The snacks aren't really the issue, it seems more like he is struggling in general and comfort eating sweet treats in an unhealthy way (don't have to be overweight to be unhealthy). I don't think I'd mention the food, I'd just talk to him about whether he's ok.

His family is dysfunctional?? How can you possibly comment on that?? It could easily be that the lad comes from a household where boundaries are enforced and he sees the gf's mother's boundaries as a softer option.

Firstly - none of you need a constant flow of sweet processed snacks, stop buying them. They increase your risk of all sorts of diseases, whether you're a healthy weight or not. Have fruit, nuts, other healthy stuff instead and keep the processed crap for high days and holidays, if you must.

Secondly - the proportion of school sweetheart couples that get through uni together is tiny. I'd imagine the proportion where one is a student and the other is doing nothing with their lives is even smaller. Right now they're on a fairly equal footing but uni will change your daughter and he'll still be in the same place, but feeling worse because of how your daughter is changing.

Your daughter will want to break up with him (which is very hard) but will have the extra difficulty of him potentially being homeless if she does. That's very bad.

You've basically taken on responsibility for him by letting him move in, if I were you I would concentrate on doing all you can to get him to a point where when/if they break up, he's in the best possible place for it as that will hit him hard if it also means moving out and living on benefits somewhere.

Now is the time to get any help you can to get him on a track to sort his life out, improve his confidence, have a sense of what he can do in his future. It's probably also his best chance of staying in a relationship with your daughter and not dragging her down, tbh.

I'd be having conversations (whether all together or separately) about what would happen if they broke up and how that would impact the domestic situation.

This will be my last post on this thread, thanks everyone who actually answered my question and I will talk to him and only have the snacks out that aren't for lunchboxes.

Not sure why people are making assumptions, I do have saving, a mortgage and I don't have a low paying job. And no, I don't just want a man around the house. I have a DP that doesn't live with us but if that was the reason, he would be living with us.

I'm not sure how it's “creepy” that I want to help him.

you're very kind to have taken him in.
I think you need to speak to him about not eating the family snacks, but in a similar way to if your DH or DD were eating them. Nobody in the house has the right to eat more than their fair share of snacks, its irrelevant if they are part of the family or not.
Make it clear that you're more than willing to feed him meals (assuming you are).
Sounds like the poor lad has issues, if he can admit he has some kind off sugar addiction I'd encourage a GP trip but easier said than done.

I'd let your daughter handle the mess in the room issue, as long as it doesn't spread outside their room.

It's shocking that his parents have abandoned him - without any money - and good for you for stepping up. It's no wonder he's depressed and failed his A-levels and is experiencing disordered eating. He needs proper professional help for this, to see a doctor and a mental health councillor. He's also most likely entitled to benefits to support him living alone/pay you some rent so you should speak to Citizen's Advice about this.

It's great he's got you to help him but - and I say this with kindness and no judgment - he isn't your priority, your daughter is. Him living with her and putting all his emotional problems on her is going to make her life a lot harder than it needs to be. Yes it's fine for her to support him, but actually living together means that's going to be insanely intense for her. That just isn't fair on her. She might not see that if she's in love, but she will realise it when she gets a bit older. It's your job to support HER now.

Good summary of the situation.

I am sorry you are unable to understand the meaning of the words “I suspect”. It does mean your comment above is pointless.