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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 07/09/2023 14:13

As another alternative, there are plenty of jobs which come with accommodation, such as TEFL abroad. For many countries, all you need is a degree and a clean criminal record. If he's got enough in savings, why not suggest a year or two doing a young person's working holiday in Australia?

FiestyGemini · 07/09/2023 14:24

LadyBird1973 · 07/09/2023 14:13

It's not only about the cost of him living at home - it's that he's a negative force in the house. And OPs own children need their own rooms. It's not reasonable to house adult kids, who are earning, at the expense of younger children at home.

It doesn't state if the parents have actually addressed his behaviour with the younger children, otherwise he will naturally continue. It also doesn't state if he mimicks either what he sees or how the parents treat him. Yes it's wrong but those who know better do better maybe he hasn't had good role models. Unless the parents (step or otherwise) sit him down speak to him and set expectations how will he know/care to be different?

FiestyGemini · 07/09/2023 14:29

Out of interst how long have you been in the life of these children? Its probably my culture or friend group but even with step children I've never heard the parents separate them into mine/ours/his. This is not shady I've just never come across it before.

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2023 14:31

FiestyGemini · 07/09/2023 14:29

Out of interst how long have you been in the life of these children? Its probably my culture or friend group but even with step children I've never heard the parents separate them into mine/ours/his. This is not shady I've just never come across it before.

It's very common, there are all sorts of step families, some are more hands on than others.

Elmerchecks · 07/09/2023 14:33

Housing adult kids / parents is fine if you have an unlimited number of bedrooms

Bellsbeachwaves · 07/09/2023 14:34

Sorry, did I just read that your partner wants you to move out of the house that you own so that you can rent?

That on its own is enough to say get rid of partner too frankly

Whammyyammy · 07/09/2023 14:36

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2023 01:55

The 23 year old needs to move out, and there's no way you should help finance that. Your home, your kids need to come first. This is why blending families often isn't such a great idea.

This. He is a fully grown man. Does he still get pocket money?

LadyBird1973 · 07/09/2023 14:41

@FiestyGemini at 23 I was teaching full time and was a mother. Adults know how to behave, it's not difficult to not wind up the younger kids.
There does come a point where you cannot blame your parents and have to behave like an adult. I'd imagine if he's holding down a job, he knows full well what is socially acceptable behaviour and is choosing to be a pita at home.
OP needs to knock this level of spoiled entitlement on the head. From ss and dp.

BeachHutCornwall · 07/09/2023 15:03

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/09/2023 13:44

@BeachHutCornwall

why are you assuming OP wants to claim a maternal role?!

believe it or not, not all women are desperate to be in a maternal role towards any and all children

It is not an assumption @LuckySantangelo35 - The OP herself placed herself in a Maternal role, by calling him her Step Son

Perhaps try reading the thread in future - it will help you to to formulate an intelligent response

Mumof2teens79 · 07/09/2023 15:26

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 04:13

With the kids paying rent I have left that up to their dad. He pays the agreed rent for the two rooms, if they contribute to that it’s up to him.

He sent me a few links to rentals nearby and I sent a message back asking if he is paying the difference. He said no we would be splitting the rent 50/50. So that’s not an option. I have left it at his son has the room for another three months then one of mine will be in it. His son is always welcome to live here, but he needs to share with his sister. I will write a formal eviction notice tonight.

There's a lot to unpack on this thread.
I think your arrangement with your partner paying rent for two rooms for his kids is a bit odd, and the idea of a forma eviction notice. It seems like your relationship is very business like rather than collaborative.

I would not be moving out of a house I owned to rent. Even if he was my own son. Its fine to support adult children where its practical but it's no longer practical. Someone has to move. It makes perfect sense for it to be him.

Why would you not ask if it was your own son? He's 23.

I would be amazed if he didn't jump at the chance tbh, and to soften the transition I would probably help fund the move/rent for a while at least.

evuscha · 07/09/2023 15:58

Can’t believe the amount of YABUs you’re getting, when it’s a grown ass working man we’re talking about. It’s not like OP is about to evict a 16 year old! Yes, supporting your DC in saving up for a deposit is nice, IF there’s space available (which there isn’t). His dad can help him with the rent (although quite frankly at 23 and working even that’s pretty strange) or put money aside for his deposit if he wants to.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2023 16:43

I think it’s really harsh to suddenly decide he has to move out. At 23, unless he has some savings already, you’re almost certainly going to guarantee he will never be able to buy a house for himself as from this day on he will always be paying rent and so unable to save a deposit.

It’s a conversation your DP should have been having with him for at least a few years now, to prepare him.

LardoBurrows · 07/09/2023 18:00

Following your last post Op, I think you and your SD should pack your bags and run away together, leaving behind all the revolting, farting males.

TooManyClouds · 07/09/2023 18:10

FloweryName · 07/09/2023 02:00

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

You’ve answered your own question already.

You know that asking him to move out would be a shitty thing to do if you wouldn’t do it to your own.

This.

HazelDean · 07/09/2023 18:24

.

HazelDean · 07/09/2023 18:27

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2023 16:43

I think it’s really harsh to suddenly decide he has to move out. At 23, unless he has some savings already, you’re almost certainly going to guarantee he will never be able to buy a house for himself as from this day on he will always be paying rent and so unable to save a deposit.

It’s a conversation your DP should have been having with him for at least a few years now, to prepare him.

Most 23 year olds don't have the luxury of staying at home until they have saved enough to buy. He stayed at home all the way through college. It sounds like his dad is going to help him with his rent anyway. Maybe some independence will teach him how to save/budget.

Willmafrockfit · 07/09/2023 18:27

actually i would say nonsense, nowadays most in their twenties do stay at home for a long time, until they can save up to leave

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2023 18:37

Willmafrockfit · 07/09/2023 18:27

actually i would say nonsense, nowadays most in their twenties do stay at home for a long time, until they can save up to leave

Many do, but also many do rent before buying, and in this case there are too many children for that luxury.

Whatshername99 · 07/09/2023 19:06

Is there a deeper issue here, perhaps? It may well be your house but it's their home, too 🤔
Speaking from same experience where I wasn't keen on my partner's (now husband) 3x grown children living in my house (that I was proud to have bought independently as a single mum), I had to accept that they come as a package & that even young adults need to feel welcome, secure & supported in a home to enable them to develop the life skills for independent living.
Your SS doesn't sound mature enough to make that leap yet. Support him, guide him & yes, give him the push he needs, into feeling confident about moving out but ultimately it needs to be a 'comfortable' decision by all.
If done too soon, he'll come back 'home' along with all the problems he's accumulated along the way!
Believe me, they move on with their lives sooner than you think & when they've grown into capable adults, you can feel proud of what you've achieved & they'll show you immense gratitude later in life.
It's all about the Bigger Picture 😃

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2023 19:13

Whatshername99 · 07/09/2023 19:06

Is there a deeper issue here, perhaps? It may well be your house but it's their home, too 🤔
Speaking from same experience where I wasn't keen on my partner's (now husband) 3x grown children living in my house (that I was proud to have bought independently as a single mum), I had to accept that they come as a package & that even young adults need to feel welcome, secure & supported in a home to enable them to develop the life skills for independent living.
Your SS doesn't sound mature enough to make that leap yet. Support him, guide him & yes, give him the push he needs, into feeling confident about moving out but ultimately it needs to be a 'comfortable' decision by all.
If done too soon, he'll come back 'home' along with all the problems he's accumulated along the way!
Believe me, they move on with their lives sooner than you think & when they've grown into capable adults, you can feel proud of what you've achieved & they'll show you immense gratitude later in life.
It's all about the Bigger Picture 😃

Meanwhile, the two 14 year old's will go their entire childhood and adolescence without any privacy.

jannier · 07/09/2023 19:23

Obviously you're in the US but in the UK around London most 23 and even older can't afford to move out. My son moved in with his girlfriend's family for 2 years while they saved...both good wages. My daughter had her boyfriend move in here for 18 months before the do a part share mortgage it's the only way if you earn enough renting is way more expensive
Why can't 14 year olds share....that's pretty common in families too

BH701 · 07/09/2023 19:26

It's yours and your children's home, I'd do what's best for them, it's not on you to house his children at that age, they're adults and working full time, if anything jts his responsibility, but I'd be asking ss to move out if your boys need their own space

Oliotya · 07/09/2023 19:32

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2023 19:13

Meanwhile, the two 14 year old's will go their entire childhood and adolescence without any privacy.

Show quote history

Which was a decision made by the parents and not the fault or responsibility of a young adult who still wants to live with his dad.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2023 19:37

HazelDean · 07/09/2023 18:27

Most 23 year olds don't have the luxury of staying at home until they have saved enough to buy. He stayed at home all the way through college. It sounds like his dad is going to help him with his rent anyway. Maybe some independence will teach him how to save/budget.

Show quote history

I really must disagree with you, any 23 year old with any hope of buying a house before they are 40, who doesn’t have an inheritance, really does stay at home until they have a deposit almost ready to go. I’m not sure how old you are, but I’m only a few years older than the step son. DH and I have been together since we were in school and both wanted to prioritise a house so have literally saved essentially every penny possibly even while working part time through university and we managed to buy our first home at 22 however we are the only people of our friendship group or in fact most people our age we know who have been able to do this.

For the majority, people don’t begin thinking about a house until their early twenties and although both DH and I have good jobs, if we were now renting we would not be able to save up a deposit for a house on top of bills.

And my own parents have always stressed to me that your role as a parent doesn’t just last until your children are out of school, or uni, or at a certain age. You guide your children and help them wherever you possibly can. So if him moving out is on the cards, that should have been multiple chats about finances, 1 year+ at a minimum to plan and budget, guidance from his parents on how this works, it’s not something thats taught in schools although it absolutely should be!

Have a look online, the majority of people move out of their family homes a LOT older because of the mortgage and even rent prices now compared to 30 years ago when my mam and dad bought their first house with a 100% mortgage as they were available then!

Chucking a son out is unreasonable, and OP knows it is because she’s already said if it was her own son’s she wouldn’t do it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/09/2023 19:38

@BeachHutCornwall

technically she is step mother. Does not mean she needs to have any kind of maternal role towards him especially not at his age