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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
feralunderclass · 08/09/2023 12:04

Threads like this always remind me that blended families are a disastrous 99% of the time for the dc (of course the parents don't want to admit this). Unless you have enough money and resources to accommodate everyone, and are willing to treat all dc equally, then it's never going to work. I'm from a 'blended' family where it was very much and 'us vs them' set up and 30 years later I'm still trying to get over it.

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 13:19

@Whatshername99 I simply disagree that a 23 year old "needs" to live at home with their parents, and that that need is greater than a dependant child's need for some space. You have to accept that many people do feel that way and it doesn't mean they are "scapegoating" one child, it just means they disagree with you on whose need is greater.

Gillbil · 08/09/2023 13:50

Do it!

FarmGirl78 · 08/09/2023 14:14

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 02:25

Sorry I also should have mentioned it’s my house. My partner pays rent and towards the bills.

I've not read the whole thread so I'm sure someone else will have said.....but the minute your partner starts paying 'rent' ie more than contributung towards bills he can claim to have a beneficially interest in your property. It might all be in your name but if you split up he could go down the legal route and claim a share. Just be careful though, don't come a cropper.

But having read your posts it looks like your SS in an immature arse, and needs to go! (You just need to phrase it a bit better than I did!)

Curseofthenation · 08/09/2023 15:00

I would boot SS out without any further thought. He has had plenty of warnings about his behaviour and he's 23! He'll grow up faster in the big wide world.

billy1966 · 08/09/2023 15:34

Willmafrockfit · 08/09/2023 07:51

does she say her children have been bullied for years @billy1966 ?

anyway situation is resolved

She has used the word "tormented" for years.

So whilst she probably doesn't mean it in the literal sense, it does imply that at 9 years older he has held considerable power over them for a good number of years, and has wielded it.

If her boys crack and give him a going over at some point, she will only have herself and him to blame.

I have two sons and I, like most parents wouldn't tolerate this behaviour between siblings not to mind someone foisted on my children via my relationship.

It should have been ruthlessly dealt with years ago.

Whatshername99 · 08/09/2023 17:10

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 13:19

@Whatshername99 I simply disagree that a 23 year old "needs" to live at home with their parents, and that that need is greater than a dependant child's need for some space. You have to accept that many people do feel that way and it doesn't mean they are "scapegoating" one child, it just means they disagree with you on whose need is greater.

Fair enough, the SS needs to find his feet in the big bad world. However, being 23 doesn't automatically make him an adult mentally - the SS is obviously still a kid in that sense & needs guidance, not shown the door.
Furthermore, expecting him to be successful in finding somewhere in the timescale given is unrealistic!

There's too much 'us' & 'them' in the OPs, indicating bigger issues at play & unequality. It all boils down to, "It's my house, they're my children, so they're gonna get preferential treatment! While the annoying SS is demoted to the sofa!" What kind of message is that sending out?! I've seen this first hand with other blended families - this mentality doesnt work & the family unit eventually breaks up.

The OP should forget whose is whose children, after all she said her own are equally annoying. Then treat the situation as if it IS her own child! She's already admitted she wouldn't treat her own in the same manner.
Take care.

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 17:37

@Whatshername99 She also changed her mind in a different comment about whether she would do the same if it were her child, so the jury is out on that one.

The reality is though that the other children who are "equally annoying" and "taking priority" are actually children. Even the 19 year old, who OP is prioritising alongside her own, is far closer to childhood. And I would bloody well hope that a 14 year old would be more annoying than a 23 year old, not equally. Perhaps OP does have an unduly "us and them" mentality, perhaps she would be wildly unfair if all was actually equal and all the children were the same age and therefore equally in need of being prioritised. But the reality is that it's a moot point, they aren't, her children are children whereas his are adults, so it is natural that they will be prioritised in many ways at this point.

Inertia · 08/09/2023 17:55

DP and SS don’t get to tell you what you can and can’t do in your home. You’ve prioritised his children as they grew up, now your children need the same privileges.

It’s really not acceptable that your SS has been allowed to bully younger children for so many years.

Options are:

SS moves out, all remaining children get their own rooms

DP and both of his adult children move out and rent separately

You and SD share a room, DP and his son share a room, each child gets his own room .

Whatshername99 · 08/09/2023 18:08

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 17:37

@Whatshername99 She also changed her mind in a different comment about whether she would do the same if it were her child, so the jury is out on that one.

The reality is though that the other children who are "equally annoying" and "taking priority" are actually children. Even the 19 year old, who OP is prioritising alongside her own, is far closer to childhood. And I would bloody well hope that a 14 year old would be more annoying than a 23 year old, not equally. Perhaps OP does have an unduly "us and them" mentality, perhaps she would be wildly unfair if all was actually equal and all the children were the same age and therefore equally in need of being prioritised. But the reality is that it's a moot point, they aren't, her children are children whereas his are adults, so it is natural that they will be prioritised in many ways at this point.

In my experience boys 'grow up' a lot later than girls. Let's hope OP's own, almost adult, DS's grow up quickly & are ready to move out at 23!
You never know, they may be able to "house-share" with their then 32 yr old SB, just revenge 😆! providing he's not still on the sofa, that is!
Take care.

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 18:16

In my experience boys 'grow up' a lot later than girls. Let's hope OP's own, almost adult, DS's grow up quickly & are ready to move out at 23!

They will likely have the option of staying longer, should they need it, as there would be space unless OP and her DH decide to downsize. This is one of the perks of being the youngest/younger child, it also comes with downsides and there are different perks to being the oldest.

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 18:17

*I say need it, I of course mean want it, before anyone says...

Vynalbob · 08/09/2023 18:44

Mobile home / garden flat..... possibly easy sell as he can be half independent?

Cookie888 · 08/09/2023 18:53

The ss should definitely be contributing towards rent and living expenses. However if you are saying that if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn’t ask your child to move out that is kind of shitty. When you are in a proper relationship with someone that has kids they have to mean as much and be treated in the same way that you would treat your own children.

Calliekins · 08/09/2023 19:09

Is your step son earning a good wage that he can afford to leave home? I don't doubt at his age he'd prefer not to live at home with the family. Sadly with the rise in cost of living some young people may find themselves staying at home longer.

carly2803 · 08/09/2023 20:13

So your parnter moves out - rents a house with his kids - they all sort their rent out between them

you pay your bills, sort your kids out - have a better life

once his kids move out permanently, partner moves back with you

problem solved

dont marry him

Isaidnomorecrisps · 08/09/2023 20:25

I still can’t get over a 23 yo thinking either they can live at home potentially paying no rent, or that someone will provide them with a flat - just for them.
When I left university the money stopped. Nada. I got a job, moved into a shared house and got on with it. I still remember seeing the first pay in my bank account, seemed so huge. (it wasn’t.)
It’s not really relevant to me whether this is an own or step child. It’s just really bad for an adult to be at home and sounding as if they still act like a child. He needs to become entirely self-sufficient. You and your partner need to give him what will serve him best - independence and responsibility. This isn’t coming from some right wing fanatic here, very far from it - this is what love is. Be there to catch him if there is a problem but he is 23, not 12.

evuscha · 08/09/2023 20:35

Isaidnomorecrisps · 08/09/2023 20:25

I still can’t get over a 23 yo thinking either they can live at home potentially paying no rent, or that someone will provide them with a flat - just for them.
When I left university the money stopped. Nada. I got a job, moved into a shared house and got on with it. I still remember seeing the first pay in my bank account, seemed so huge. (it wasn’t.)
It’s not really relevant to me whether this is an own or step child. It’s just really bad for an adult to be at home and sounding as if they still act like a child. He needs to become entirely self-sufficient. You and your partner need to give him what will serve him best - independence and responsibility. This isn’t coming from some right wing fanatic here, very far from it - this is what love is. Be there to catch him if there is a problem but he is 23, not 12.

Me neither! And there are some PPs who keep saying that poor stepson can’t just get kicked out and he’s not ready for the world yet so he should be accommodated, at the expense of younger actual kids who need the space. The guy is not even getting kicked out the day he turns 18 - he’s freaking 23 and working!!!

I get that times have changed since we were that age (though I’m in my 30s so not THAT old) and that things are more expensive now but surely a houseshare is doable and if his dad is offering to pay his rent, then no excuse really. Though maybe it would be better not to do that, get him to pay his own expenses and secretly save that money for him instead - somehow I don’t imagine that a 23yr old that farts in people’s faces and expects to be given a flat is only wanting to live at home because he wants to save for a deposit so bad.

Inertia · 08/09/2023 21:30

Cookie888 · 08/09/2023 18:53

The ss should definitely be contributing towards rent and living expenses. However if you are saying that if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn’t ask your child to move out that is kind of shitty. When you are in a proper relationship with someone that has kids they have to mean as much and be treated in the same way that you would treat your own children.

The OP owns the house. Partner’s family have moved in.

If the shoe were on the other foot, and OPs 23yo was living in her partner’s home while bullying the partners children and refusing to contribute, I’m pretty sure the partner would be asking him to leave.

Cookie888 · 08/09/2023 21:33

Shouldn’t be his and her kids it’s their kids. There inlies the problem.

RobinStrike · 08/09/2023 21:34

I think the bedroom is the least of the problems. Your sons are being tormented by your ss. They have had to put up with it for years. It’s time that they have a comfortable home life. What is their relationship like with your DP ? Even if they all had their own bedrooms it would not solve the problem of their feeling of happiness and comfort in their own home.
I think it sounds as though your SS really needs to leave and grow up a bit. However, maybe the answer is for your DP to move out with him. It sounds as though the SD is fine at home with you.
The New Year is a long way off. I think 6 weeks-2 months would be better to stick to. Why should your sons have to live with him for longer? I realise you say you wouldn’t ask this of your own son, but are you sure? If you had one son who was older and disruptive are you sure you wouldn’t ask him to move out for the sanity and health of the rest of the household?

OhcantthInkofaname · 08/09/2023 22:29

Somebody could just tell the 23-year-old to grow up and quit acting like a child.

PinkRiceKrispies · 08/09/2023 22:58

I love this 'Tell him to move out and get his own place.' Because it's that easy and affordable....
I know many 20-40 somethings still with family because housing is ridiculously expensive if you are a single person.

Mynameispaige · 08/09/2023 23:49

I just find it crazy how you're talking about the 23 year old like hes a child when hes a full grown man and should be finding his own way in life by now. Im 23 myself, live in my own flat, getting married and have an (almost) 16 month old DS. granted i am an only child and could have stayed at my father's if i wanted to but he actually encouraged me to spread my wings and move on. I only live a ten minute walk away from him but its nice, having my own family.

maybe you just want to gently encourage him to gtfo. I would.

Mynameispaige · 08/09/2023 23:52

I totally agree with this. Im 23 myself, have my own flat with my DH and (almost) 16 month old ds. I honestly wouldnt even want to live with my dad again if he paid me. We live close by but thats about it. Hes a big boy he can look after himself. But then again i know way too many people my age who are still leeching off their parents, even after having a child smh