Asking adult step child to move out?

[Thisisfortyish]

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

Your situation is certainly bringing flashbacks to ours ten years ago and that didn't end well. My DSD moved out to go to University and made it pretty clear she didn't intend to move back - then about a month before the end of her final term obviously realised that she had no choice as it soon became apparent she was heavily in debt. The similarities are that she was in her early 20's, immature and took great pleasure in winding up her half siblings who are ten and 15 years younger. When she paid rent at all she only paid a tiny fraction of what she would have to in the "real world" even though she had a relatively well paid job. She clearly wasn't saving any money as she remained heavily in debt and it didn't do her or any of us any favours at all and drifted on until she was almost 30. The hope always was she'd wake up and smell the coffee much earlier but she never did. There was no end in sight which made it very difficult. Imo you're right to act but be aware that the DSS may well twist it very heavily against you. Good luck.

@Whatshername99 He probably is feeling pushed out at the moment. Maybe he always was, getting his own room and no responsibility. Because his shit behaviour did just suddenly start when he had to move out.

I feel like I am throwing him to the wolves. He can afford to live in a share house, but he won’t have much left over. I really hope this makes him grow op, but I have my doubts. DP had asked him to pay rent when he started working, but it didn’t pay it once. This is why renting a bigger house and having ss contribute won’t work, he will agree to pay the rent, but just won’t pay. DP has considered moving with ss, but that will just be the same situation and he will never grow up. He ignores the request to clean up after himself. I think he will be back here within a couple of months.

The house is mine and DP and I have a shared living agreement, kind of like a prenup. He has no claim on the house if we split.

I have a 25y a 23y and two younger. I would never ask any of mine to move out if they were happy at home and do it’s not really fair to expect your partner to do that to his DC.

He is a bully, he refuses to pay his way or contribute, he can leave, he isn't your problem and if his daddy wants to pay for a room for him or move out with him then that's his choice but he really needs to leave.

Thanks @TomatoSandwiches I can’t expect my kids to put up with this indefinitely. Eventually someone is going to throw a punch and then ss be thrown out on the spot.

Why is he so immature? Has he been spoilt and had everything done for him so never grown up?

His mother left and all the family stepped in for a few years coddling them. The usual poor man can’t be expected to care for his own children type of thing. His sister was made to set the table because she is a girl while the boys all just sat there having plates put in front of them then taken away. I think those years shaped him.

I do make him sound awful. He is a lazy shit, but also funny and a great person most of the time. Which just means he gets away with being lazy.

Haven't read the whole thread but it depends who owns the house. If it's yours, you can ask boyfriend or girlfriend's adult child to leave. If it's their house, I am afraid not.

Sorry. Just read it's your house. In that case, of course you can ask adult child to leave. I can't believe your DC have to share when it's their house. Your other half is effectively a lodger and so are their children.

It’s her stepchild, she should treat him as fairly as her own - not that I don’t agree he should perhaps be flying the nest but with rentals at a record high and cost of living at a record high that’s isn’t always so easy. But saying she wouldn’t tell “her own” to go is quite frankly shocking. My partner is my sons stepdad and he would never treat him differently SMH

Doesn't sound like a great role model for your sons currently. I think moving out to a flat share would help him get some life skills. Doesn't sound like he is going to change living at home. He wouldn't be the only 20 something living in a house share with not much spending money. I spent most of my 20s like that, but they were some of the best years of my life. I feel like kids living at home after college miss out on that camaraderie that comes with living with people your own age.

@HazelDean Yes I think it will be good for him. Most of his age group have already moved out. He won’t have to fund all of it, so he will still have some spending money.

It will be different for my kids, they won’t get an opportunity to move out of home and have half their rent paid.

@Thisisfortyish
He's acting out his insecurities.
It's shocking that he doesn't pick up after himself or contribute anything out of his wages.
It's time for Tough Love...
I would absolutely Stop providing for him & let him know he buys & cooks his own food from now on and sorts his own laundry (give him his own cupboard space for his stuff). If he doesn't pick up his mess, tell him you'll pick it up & drop it in his room so he HAS to eventually deal with it! Subtly leave him some cleaning products in his room. If he has mates or romantic friend who often comes round, he'll be shamed into dealing with it.

Make him feel valued - take him out on a one to one basis but when it comes to the bill, say "he's paying" he should be too embarrassed to not do. He'll soon learn nothing comes for free!

Good luck & hope he grows up sooner than later.
Take care

You see him and the situation so clearly.

The misogynistic environment.

Yet you have inflicted this on your children for years.

His refusal to pay his way and you allow this to stand.

Totally helpless against a 23 year old, in your own home, by choice.

Thank god you don't have any daughters.

What a awful modelling your choices would be for them to witness.

Allowing this man and his children take over your home and your children bullied for years.

Your priorities are really messed up.

Your poor children.

This makes the most sense.

If this was my own son, I'd make him move out for his own good, as much as for the benefit of the younger dc.
It really isn't helping him to let this situation continue - sometimes the growing up and taking responsibility has to be forced to some extent by the parents. Otherwise you'll have some man child 30 year old living with you and he will never have developed the skills necessary for meeting a partner and becoming a fully fledged adult!

You aren't just turfing him out with no support system - he's really lucky his dad will help him financially. But now is the time.

You must put the dependent children first now.

I can't remember if I mentioned it upthread but for a couple of years I had DS gf live here with him after things went pear shaped at her parents house. Eventually it made life quite hard for the rest of the family - what started off as appreciation for the help, became an entitled attitude and an expectation of rights they hadn't earned. It caused conflict amongst my other dc and when they did move out the atmosphere in the house became much better.
I miss my son a lot but it's good to see him as an independent adult. Of course we are here (for both him and his gf) when they need a bit of help but I think they are better now they are having to manage money and responsibility.

For all those saying SS should absolutely leave NOW to give DS's their own room each.
Yes, it's easy to say in theory - and I agree he should have his independence!

However, the practicalities need considering.

In reality, it could take more than just a few months, even years before the OP, her DP & SS find an available & suitable place for him to rent!
So, is it fair in the meantime to have SS sleeping on sofa for a lengthy amount of time just so his step-brothers can turf him out of his room to have one each? The annoying SS is still a human being with needs & feelings afterall. IMHO the boys will have to wait!
Even if a structure in the garden could be built or a garage converted so SS can stay there instead, this still takes money & time.

In the meantime whilst SS is still living at home the REAL issues needs nipping in the bud - his behaviour & lack of contribution to the household.

If he was my SS, I'd be saying, right, we'll keep things as they are whilst we all work together to get you a place to live & in the meantime you live here as if it WAS a House Share; you have to look after yourself & pay your own way - Oh & by the way, keep tormenting your Step-brothers & I will remove all bedding & luxuries from your room & humiliate you in front of your friends when they come round! 🤣🤣

It doesn't take months or years to find a flat share. Especially not if dad is willing to pay the deposit and help with the rent.

The dad sounds wealthy if happy to help with deposit and rent

It's op house. I totally get why her sons want their own bedrooms

How big is their bedrooom. Can it be split into 2

The room is isn’t big enough to split into two.
I have tried and so has his dad to sort the behaviour. But you can’t punish a 23 year old. It’s only been in the last year that it’s become unbearable. There isn’t room or infrastructure to convert anything. We have found a couple of possibilities for a house share already. The issue is if he manages to stay there.

@Thisisfortyish

listen to the actual 23 year old.
he is a bigotted man child. You need to kick him out. he is a grown man and I would happily kick seven bells of sh*t out of him if he was my cousin and bullying his siblings like that.

I have my own flat, a 16 month old ds and a partner. Im getting married next year. Im a grown woman, I pay my own bills, I buy my own shopping. My partner works full time (hes 22).
no i dont own the flat its council.

he is not a child. He is legally allowed to do whatever the hell he wants. He doesnt need to be at home.

im so glad my father encouraged me to move out, i could have stayed but i didnt because i knew it was for the best. My father only lives a 10 minute walk away.

your problem here is that you're still seeing him as a child and you've let it go on way too long. Kick him out for your own mental health and so he can grow the hell up.

If he doesn't manage to stay there, as a 23yr old, the onus and responsibility is on HIM to find somewhere else to live, not on you or on his father.

Picture the scene like a clutch of birds that have been nurtured from hatchling to being able to fly the nest. The adult mum and dad birds don't visit other nests to find one that is suitable for their offspring to live in - that's up to the offspring to find for themselves. The birds have been reared by the adults and now the offspring must fly the nest. Time to push that 23 year old fledgling out of the nest!

If he doesn't stay there he has the sofa till next place

He sounds very immature

How are things @Thisisfortyish ?

Still looking at possible shared accommodation. The behaviour has gone down hill rapidly.