Page 10 | Asking adult step child to move out?

Thisisfortyish · 2023-09-07T00:35:09+00:00

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time. We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time. My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us. I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out. I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent. My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/09/2023 19:48

@Willmafrockfit

nope many still house share

HazelDean · 07/09/2023 19:49

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2023 19:37

I really must disagree with you, any 23 year old with any hope of buying a house before they are 40, who doesn’t have an inheritance, really does stay at home until they have a deposit almost ready to go. I’m not sure how old you are, but I’m only a few years older than the step son. DH and I have been together since we were in school and both wanted to prioritise a house so have literally saved essentially every penny possibly even while working part time through university and we managed to buy our first home at 22 however we are the only people of our friendship group or in fact most people our age we know who have been able to do this.

For the majority, people don’t begin thinking about a house until their early twenties and although both DH and I have good jobs, if we were now renting we would not be able to save up a deposit for a house on top of bills.

And my own parents have always stressed to me that your role as a parent doesn’t just last until your children are out of school, or uni, or at a certain age. You guide your children and help them wherever you possibly can. So if him moving out is on the cards, that should have been multiple chats about finances, 1 year+ at a minimum to plan and budget, guidance from his parents on how this works, it’s not something thats taught in schools although it absolutely should be!

Have a look online, the majority of people move out of their family homes a LOT older because of the mortgage and even rent prices now compared to 30 years ago when my mam and dad bought their first house with a 100% mortgage as they were available then!

Chucking a son out is unreasonable, and OP knows it is because she’s already said if it was her own son’s she wouldn’t do it.

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I am in my early 40s. I worked part time through college and lived-in house shares in my 20s. My husband and I managed to buy a small flat in our early 30s by saving hard.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a respectful adult child staying at home to save money if there is space, and I get that the housing situation is harder now. But in this situation, there isn't space and it sounds like the OP's teens are struggling with the behavior of another adult in the house and that wouldn't be on. If the dad wants to rent a house for him to share with his adult son and daughter that's great but I really don't think the OP should give up her own property and spend more on rent in this situation especially if the dad is willing to pay for the son's rent in a house share. If he does that, then his son can still save!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2023 20:02

Oliotya · 07/09/2023 19:32

Which was a decision made by the parents and not the fault or responsibility of a young adult who still wants to live with his dad.

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His dad needs to be providing him with a roof then instead of relying on a woman, whose needs he is putting last. He made bad choices including not pulling up his ds when repeatedly bullying children 10 years younger.

Op has said herself she would be happy for his ds to live in a caravan to give the boys space but for his poor behaviour. The 23 year old only has himself to blame that he’s being asked to leave.

Willmafrockfit · 07/09/2023 20:16

he is trying to ascertain himself as the Big Man to the 14 year old boys.
suggest his ddad has a word about his attitude

feralunderclass · 07/09/2023 20:37

HazelDean · 07/09/2023 18:27

Most 23 year olds don't have the luxury of staying at home until they have saved enough to buy. He stayed at home all the way through college. It sounds like his dad is going to help him with his rent anyway. Maybe some independence will teach him how to save/budget.

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I think most 23 year olds are at home still, not because they want to be, but because options are limited. In my city rents have soared and competition for even house shares is ridiculous. My ds' friend is 23 and has a very lucrative business. He applied to rent a particular property and offered 1 years rent upfront. There were 200 applications for the property, and he was turned down from that house and for 28 others! Gone are the days when an adult is 18 and can fend for themselves, it's a reality that the stage between adolescence and adulthood has been greatly extended.

LadyBird1973 · 07/09/2023 20:51

OP has primary responsibility to her own minor dc, not to house a rude difficult adult indefinitely. His dad needs to cough up the rent money for his DS until he can afford it himself. He can support without having him live in OPs house.

HazelDean · 07/09/2023 21:00

LadyBird1973 · 07/09/2023 20:51

OP has primary responsibility to her own minor dc, not to house a rude difficult adult indefinitely. His dad needs to cough up the rent money for his DS until he can afford it himself. He can support without having him live in OPs house.

This.

Whatshername99 · 07/09/2023 21:52

Oh poor them! Maybe sharing (not just their bedroom, but the whole household) will allow them to learn some humility, charity & kindness, less entitlement & that not everything in life is for the taking!

I agree the 23 yr old needs to grow up but his childish behaviour reeks of a 'mixed up kid looking for attention' - funnily enough, sounds like he's trying to behave like many a 14 yr old lad, hmm, go figure - maybe 14 yr olds in the household get a better deal! He needs a respectful role model to guide the way. One day his immaturity will stop & he'll be off!

My own 2 sons shared a larger bedroom all through their teenage years - whilst step-daughter had the box room & 2 step-sons shared another room. didn't do any of them any harm at all, yeah, they had fights & disagreements but, it taught them how to just get on with it & resolve issues that arise when cohabiting! All well-adjusted adults now.

Life moves on quickly, kids adapt, then they grow up in a blink of an eye. It only seems to be us Adults who sweat the small stuff. Take care.

Oliotya · 07/09/2023 22:23

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2023 20:02

His dad needs to be providing him with a roof then instead of relying on a woman, whose needs he is putting last. He made bad choices including not pulling up his ds when repeatedly bullying children 10 years younger.

Op has said herself she would be happy for his ds to live in a caravan to give the boys space but for his poor behaviour. The 23 year old only has himself to blame that he’s being asked to leave.

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The dad pays rent to OP.
It's a really fucking weird way for a family to function imo. Very strange dynamics.

Nanaof1 · 08/09/2023 01:31

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 11:23

His kids got their own rooms because mine were little. Their room is bigger and was also the toy room.

I am still wondering if you rent your house or did you buy it?

Can you afford the home and the payments if DP and SS move out? Though, hopefully, DSD would stay.

Does your partner pay more towards the rent or mortgage since he has 2 1/2 of the bedrooms?

Nanaof1 · 08/09/2023 01:53

LardoBurrows · 07/09/2023 18:00

Following your last post Op, I think you and your SD should pack your bags and run away together, leaving behind all the revolting, farting males.

I do think a "girl's only" holiday should become a priority! Even if it's just a weekend.

Original poster

Thisisfortyish · 08/09/2023 02:15

I own (have a mortgage). My partner pays rent, it’s not quite half the mortgage. He pays half of the bills except council rates and water bill.

We could have bought a big house together, but after going through hell before I refused to live in a house that was to be divided in a split. We would have struggled to afford a bigger house when we moved in together.
We have both benefited from living together, him getting cheap rent and me getting help with the mortgage.

As someone said it’s definitely a power assertion from ss. My kids are taller than him and I think that’s what has set it off.

We had a chat about it last night, I have told ss he has until the new year to find a place and his dad will contribute to the rent. If he doesn’t find a place that’s fine, but he will be sleeping on the couch. I have said when his sister moves out in a couple of years he we will discuss the possibility of him moving back in if he wants to save. But if he still acts like an idiot it won’t be for long.

He has been spoken to about his behaviour many times. We can’t punish him anymore so he can live with the consequences.

DP and I privately spoke about him moving out with ss, but he thinks it will be good for him to get some independence. He had considered buying a flat for him to live in, but the prices have gone up too much now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thisisfortyish · 08/09/2023 02:16

And yes I can afford to get less rent from DP.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2023 03:56

Oliotya · 07/09/2023 22:23

The dad pays rent to OP.
It's a really fucking weird way for a family to function imo. Very strange dynamics.

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He pays rent for a couple of rooms. It will be peanuts in comparison to rent on a 3 bed house. If he wants to have full say on how a household is run, he needs to be living in his own home. As is, he doesn’t and op has decided enough is enough and the only way to stop his ds from bullying her children is for him to move out.

Why are the needs of a 23 yo man a priority and not those, of two 14 yo dependent children?

Tessabelle74 · 08/09/2023 07:32

Oliotya · 07/09/2023 19:32

Which was a decision made by the parents and not the fault or responsibility of a young adult who still wants to live with his dad.

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This! She chose a man with kids to build a life with, now that life isn't as rosy as it may be, she wants to dump the son. They're still a package and always will be. Many non blender families live in cramped conditions with little privacy, my 2 teens have to share a room so we're getting a fancy summer house built to allow them to socialise out there rather than in a tiny room barely bigger than their bunk beds

billy1966 · 08/09/2023 07:38

He has been paying peanuts to house his children, peanuts.

At the expense of your children.

He considered buying a flat but decided against it🙄yea right.

Just feeding you bullshit.

He can't even pay for his own children fully, yet he's spouting he'll buy a flat for one.

You have allowed yourself to be used for housing, and your children to be bullied for years.

Awful behaviour.
Your poor children.

Willmafrockfit · 08/09/2023 07:51

does she say her children have been bullied for years @billy1966 ?

anyway situation is resolved

Teateaandmoretea · 08/09/2023 07:56

Thisisfortyish · 08/09/2023 02:15

I own (have a mortgage). My partner pays rent, it’s not quite half the mortgage. He pays half of the bills except council rates and water bill.

We could have bought a big house together, but after going through hell before I refused to live in a house that was to be divided in a split. We would have struggled to afford a bigger house when we moved in together.
We have both benefited from living together, him getting cheap rent and me getting help with the mortgage.

As someone said it’s definitely a power assertion from ss. My kids are taller than him and I think that’s what has set it off.

We had a chat about it last night, I have told ss he has until the new year to find a place and his dad will contribute to the rent. If he doesn’t find a place that’s fine, but he will be sleeping on the couch. I have said when his sister moves out in a couple of years he we will discuss the possibility of him moving back in if he wants to save. But if he still acts like an idiot it won’t be for long.

He has been spoken to about his behaviour many times. We can’t punish him anymore so he can live with the consequences.

DP and I privately spoke about him moving out with ss, but he thinks it will be good for him to get some independence. He had considered buying a flat for him to live in, but the prices have gone up too much now.

He isn’t your partner then is he? He’s a lodger with benefits.

It’s really quite bizarre that you would subject all the kids to cramped conditions for years just in case you split up later and have to move.

If you don’t want a partner and to keep everything separate then why move in with him.

Sugarfree23 · 08/09/2023 08:07

FloweryName · 07/09/2023 02:00

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

You’ve answered your own question already.

You know that asking him to move out would be a shitty thing to do if you wouldn’t do it to your own.

This. It would be mean.
I think it might be time for a room swap, the 23 yo can share with is brother so the 3 who have homework and exams have space to do it.

23yo using living room while brother studies

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 08:10

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aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 08:13

This! She chose a man with kids to build a life with, now that life isn't as rosy as it may be, she wants to dump the son. They're still a package and always will be. Many non blender families live in cramped conditions with little privacy, my 2 teens have to share a room so we're getting a fancy summer house built to allow them to socialise out there rather than in a tiny room barely bigger than their bunk beds

People are using the fact that this is a blended family as a stick to beat the OP with. The honest truth is that many of us WOULD expect our own 23 year old to move out if we still had two dependent teenagers sharing a room. I would prioritise teenagers having space over a 23 year old getting to stay at home longer, which I do not view as essential. I would view that as a good time for them to make an attempt at living independently in a house share.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/09/2023 08:24

Thisisfortyish · 08/09/2023 02:15

I own (have a mortgage). My partner pays rent, it’s not quite half the mortgage. He pays half of the bills except council rates and water bill.

We could have bought a big house together, but after going through hell before I refused to live in a house that was to be divided in a split. We would have struggled to afford a bigger house when we moved in together.
We have both benefited from living together, him getting cheap rent and me getting help with the mortgage.

As someone said it’s definitely a power assertion from ss. My kids are taller than him and I think that’s what has set it off.

We had a chat about it last night, I have told ss he has until the new year to find a place and his dad will contribute to the rent. If he doesn’t find a place that’s fine, but he will be sleeping on the couch. I have said when his sister moves out in a couple of years he we will discuss the possibility of him moving back in if he wants to save. But if he still acts like an idiot it won’t be for long.

He has been spoken to about his behaviour many times. We can’t punish him anymore so he can live with the consequences.

DP and I privately spoke about him moving out with ss, but he thinks it will be good for him to get some independence. He had considered buying a flat for him to live in, but the prices have gone up too much now.

Why doesn't he pay half of those bills

Council tax is the high one

If he and kids didn't live there you would get 25% reduction as your kids are under 18

So him and other adults are actually costing you extra ct each month

Same with water. Assume in meter so will use more water for washing machine and showers /baths

Whatshername99 · 08/09/2023 10:00

The more I look at this situation, the more I witness the 23yr old being used as a scapegoat! Yeah, he sounds like an annoying little prat who winds up OP's own DS's but it certainly doesn't sound like bullying, like some have implied. He may be 23 but certainly NOT showing signs of being an ADULT, yet! Said before & I'll say it again - if he moves out when not 'prepared' - he'll come back running later on, along with all his problems in tow!

If OP's own boys see one of DP's kids being turfed out (so that they 'get what they want') what does THAT teach them? Sounds like 'pandering' to me!
2 brothers sharing a large bedroom does not harm or hinder their development!

Give the 23yr old more purpose - with responsibility comes maturity! Then he'll leave when he's good & ready.

Or maybe it's time to address the real issue - your relationship with DP - there's a power struggle going on here. Stop calling DPs contributions to the household as rent, its his HOME, whether you like it or not & accept him AND his DCs or end the whole relationship, once & for all - your DSs will then have the run of the whole household!

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 11:07

2 brothers sharing a large bedroom does not harm or hinder their development!

This is entirely debatable. I think it's important for teenagers to have their own space, more important than it is for somebody in their mid twenties to not have to have normal, formative experiences like living in a house share, or to be allowed to stop being a prat at their own slow pace, rather than be told they are too old for it now and need to pull their socks up.

Whatshername99 · 08/09/2023 11:54

aSofaNearYou · 08/09/2023 11:07

2 brothers sharing a large bedroom does not harm or hinder their development!

This is entirely debatable. I think it's important for teenagers to have their own space, more important than it is for somebody in their mid twenties to not have to have normal, formative experiences like living in a house share, or to be allowed to stop being a prat at their own slow pace, rather than be told they are too old for it now and need to pull their socks up.

I can speak from experience - I had 2 lots of 2x brothers sharing rooms until they left home, by which point they were fully equipped with the skills for independent living.

Why should the 23 yr old's needs be undervalued just because the 14 yr old's are OPs biological children! She already admitted she wouldn't do this to her own! (No wonder he's 'playing up' sounds like he feels worthless!). It's HIS HOME, too but he's being made to feel like the unwanted lodger!

Like I said before - he's being used as a scapegoat as real issues aren't being addressed!

If @Thisisfortyish really wants to carry on relationship with DP & have him live with her, then there should be a 50/50 split of household outgoings. Yeah he may not like paying towards a mortgage that quite frankly sounds like for a home he'll never jointly own but he'd pay 100% costs if going it alone!

As for SS - he needs to build skills for living independently - if she's doing anything for him - at all - STOP!
Make him pay a fair price, equivalent to a room only house-share (on top of what DP pays) but secretly put it into savings, and provide him with some, if not all of it as a kind, parting gift when he leaves to help him get started. Remember, making him feel valued!

Encourage him to keep his own space clean & tidy. Make him do his own laundry. Stop cooking for him. Make him buy his own food & create kitchen cupboard space just for his own stuff. Stop giving him lifts anywhere if he relies on 'Mums/Dad's Taxi' - all this will 1. Make him want to move out & 2. Equip him with those life-skills.
Take care.