My children were invited into a strangers house! Am I over reacting?

[Flowers94]

This is quite long but basically my children are 8&9 and have been playing out at the back of our house for a few months but know where they can and can’t go. a few days ago they’ve gone out and when I’ve gone to shout them in they weren’t responding so I’ve panicked and when they returned about 10 mins later they’ve been in a house about 12 door up stroking a cat.
I’ve explained the them about stranger danger and asked what’s happened and they’ve said the cat was lost so they’ve found it and this couple have said to them that the cat is shy so do they want to come in and stroke/feed the cat.

i went mad at the kids which I maybe shouldn’t have done but they know we don’t go into strangers houses, I am considering going to this couples house and suggesting they don’t invite children into their home as to me that’s extremely odd.
is this an overreaction on my part? Or do normal adults invite children into their homes to stroke there pets

Hear hear@gannett.

It’s interesting and useful to hear the perspective of someone who doesn’t have children. I have been a parent for a long time so I’ve forgotten what it feels like to not ‘think as a parent’. Your response has confirmed what I assumed- ie that childfree/childless people do not necessarily think about the nuances of a situation such as this, and nor should they have a responsibility to do so.

To clarify- yes, EVERYONE has a responsibility to help to protect the vulnerable, which obviously includes children, elderly people, people with disabilities. But inviting a child into your home to see your cat or have a glass of squash would not automatically ring alarm bells for everyone (it would for me but that’s because I’m a parent!)

You weren’t taught anything about Stranger Danger as a child? Even if you weren’t, I’d think common sense would stop anyone inviting random children into their house.

I knew not to do that years before I had children. I knew it not because I’d made a point of finding out because I hoped to have children one day, but simply from what I’d learnt as a child in school, what I’d read or heard in the news, and picked up from friends, family and society in general.

I was taught a lot of things as a child that I don't think about very much as an adult.

I have the common sense I need for my lifestyle. It doesn't include common sense that pertains to the raising of children.

But a lot of us single women thibk jf stranger danger in terms of us. Don't go off with strange men etc

It would really not ever make me think that I was a stranger who was a stranger.

Men probably have more awareness of "not putting them self into a situation with a young kid" but as a 50 year old woman it just would never strike me to not help as I am the danger.

(Not that I would ever go out in the streets and invite kids into my house but one who knocked on my door and wanted something I'd not be on any alert for that)

No practical input as I'm not a parent and don't invite kids into my house, but this thread makes me a bit sad about just how much communities have changed.

Not that I think anyone is wrong in what they're doing in 2023 as it's just the times now, but back in the dim and distant 80s when I was a kid we were never out of random neighbours houses and gardens on the estate. Perfectly normal for elderly neighbours to flag down any passing kid and ask them to fetch a pint of milk or a paper or 10 B&H from the corner shop. You'd do it too, because if your Mum got wind that (and she would!) you hadn't you'd be in trouble. In exchange there'd be a biscuit or a glass of squash or a sweet when you dropped it off.

I don't think society can possibly be any better for suspicion being the default reaction to strangers and communities dissolving, and I can well see why the elderly who lived in communities like that in previous decades wouldn't think twice about it.

If we as a society took the time to know our neighbours thus making a community, we would then know who the neighbours are. Get to know all your neighbours or keep your children home.
Are you really saying you haven’t thought of this? Incredible!!

The fact that they were invited in would be ringing huge alarm bells for me; surely it is not normal?! If a pair of primary school kids turned up at my door to return my cat (for example) I would say thank you very much and goodbye.

Regarding back in the day/olden tiimes/when I was young etc etc; this would have been inappropriate when I was a child and I am 52.

I echo PP's post about stranger danger being about men, not women.

This is why I'm really stunned by the replies here.

I mean it's (presumably) an opposite sex couple.

It's really rare for an opposite sex couple to work together to harm kids.

Anyone care to expand on why they're concerned given that the vast majority of abusers are male and people kids know?

Nobody has thought that the stroking may have literally been inside the front hallway either, not actually properly inside the house. Or inside a kitchen where the back door opens into it and the door was open.

It just seems bizarre that people are so paranoid about women given the overwhelming evidence that it's men who are the danger.

It’s not just the abuse potential. People don’t invite strange children into their homes without the parents’ permission and knowledge. This is from the OP:

when I’ve gone to shout them in they weren’t responding so I’ve panicked

Parents don’t expect young children to be invited into random people’s houses. Most people - whether they have children or not - understand this.

I have to agree with this. Let’s be honest the world is full of weirdos and nutters, and some people try actively to lure and befriend kids for their own nasty reasons. Your kids need to be aware that not everyone is nice and they should never go off with a stranger or into a strangers house. It’s about you teaching your kids, because you can’t control what other people do .

But is 8 and 8 young?

Not having kids I am crap at guessing the age of children.

Now a lone toddler at the door would of course make me think -oh a small child without her parents. We'd best find her mum.

But older ones wouldn't make me think that. I'd assume they were allowed out (as together), particularly if I knew them as "kids on the street"

Yes, 8 is still young. I don’t think there’s any definition but I’d say any child who couldn’t be left home alone is young - so maybe under 12s? There’s a noticeable change around Year 6 (last year of primary school) but obviously it’s individual to the child.

I still wouldn’t invite unknown 12 year olds into my home though.

I hope this couple aren’t aware they are being maligned on mumsnet. Sitting in their house minding their own business and being accused of all kinds of things.
Sounds like the ops children were bored - not that couple’s fault or responsibility.

I don't know about that, like I said could have just been in the hallway or in kitchen that the back door (which may have been propped open due to heat) where they stroked the cat for a few minutes.

I mean I would not invite them properly into the house for a length of time but I'd be happy for this.

If it is agreed that in this instance that it is highly unlikely that the couple meant harm, then I'm afraid that the OP either has to wrap them up in cotton wool and never let them out or let them grow up a bit.

Eight and above is not that young to be allowed out. It really isn't.

In any case, the OP is the problem here. She needs to realise that life is not without risk and get a grip.

And actually do some risk assessment because if she thinks this couple were/are a risk she is almost certainly wrong, especially when the rugrats bothered them not the other way around.

In all honesty, it's the people (men!) who these kids know on a day to day basis who are sadly more of a risk.

But she starts a thread on mn to slag off an innocent couple.

Talk about barking up the wrong tree.

Correction: back door opened directly into kitchen.

I disagree. As adults we have a duty of care to all children and not enticing them to do things we know they shouldn't is one of those responsibilities.
As if the kids should be more responsible than 2 grown-ups! Are you for real?

70% of children of a similar age would have behaved the same way, according to the study I posted up thread. People who are convinced that it is possible to know how your children would behave have no idea if you are right or not. Most children survive childhood because they never meet a monster, not because they have managed to outwit one.
On the other hand, children who are not allowed to play out unsupervised lose the opportunity to develop essential skills, both problem solving and navigating social situations. They are more likely to become obese, myopic, and probably build up lots of other long term problems. Keeping your children in until you are certain they know how to behave around strangers (how would you even test this?) is not a “safe” option for children.

Most parents don’t really have a clue if their children understand stranger danger. OP knows hers didn’t when this happened, but that doesn’t mean they’re now any worse at judging a situation than anyone else’s children. It could well be that now they’ve had a scare, they’re actually better placed than most other kids who haven’t been through the same experience.

Telling her she needs to keep her kids in is just bad advice, I in my opinion. Kids need to play outside. If they don’t live on a main road, they should be allowed to play out close to their house. It’s good for them. Yes, there are risks of harm by letting your kids play out, but there are certainties of harm by not letting them.
I think 8 and 9 is a good age to be playing out within calling distance from home whilst being checked regularly. I used to let mine play out “on the Green” at that age, and would set a timer for fifteen minutes to see they were still where they were meant to be (usually I could do this from a bedroom window so I didn’t disturb them). At 11, they will be catching buses or walking to school alone. They need to start somewhere.

As adults we have a duty of care to all children and not enticing them to do things we know they shouldn't is one of those responsibilities.

I don't think adults have any responsibilities to 'all children' other than not to physically harm them, surely?

@Sanitas

This is the last time I am going to explain this. High chance the couple were fine and had good intentions. Maybe the stroking did take place in the hallway or an open door. But they should not be invited strange kids they don't know into their house because it could cloud the kid's judgement the next time someone with less innocent intentions invites them in to their house or to go somewhere with them. If I invite kids into my house and give them a good experience playing with my dog, then they could very easily go away thinking "Strangers can't be all that bad, as long as they seem nice,". And then a few weeks later, someone, man or woman comes along and asks them to help look for his dog.

And statistically, yes, the chanced of a couple working together is low. But after what Myra Hindley and Ian Brady did, can you blame us for being overly cautious? The chance is small, not impossible. And like I said in my earlier post, one boy almost lost his life to them purely because going into stranger's houses had been normalised for him and he believed that because she was a woman she must be nice.

I disagree. As adults we have a duty of care to all children and not enticing them to do things we know they shouldn't is one of those responsibilities.

I certainly do not have a duty of care to all children, beyond perhaps removing them from immediate grave danger should the situation arise and doing so didn't put me or my family in the way of the grave danger.

In terms of spending my time considering what each individual child is or is not allowed / supposed to do and how I should amend my actions to accommodate that, then I'm afraid not my monkeys, not my problem.

I agree. I have my own children and my duty of care is to them.

Yes, we collectively have a duty to not harm children. All adults know it is wrong to deliberately harm a child and no normal adult would want to. Most adults would, I hope, intervene if they saw a random child in immediate and obvious danger in a public place. But beyond that, I don’t see why childfree/childless people should ever have to think about the safety of strangers’ children, unless they work in a role that involves safeguarding children.

Yes, I'm for real and you're being silly.

The couple can invite whoever they like into their own house.

And whilst it's unwise, it's even more unwise for you to think the buck doesn't stop with the OP's children, who are trusted to stick to her rules while playing outside.

In terms of spending my time considering what each individual child is or is not allowed / supposed to do and how I should amend my actions to accommodate that, then I'm afraid not my monkeys, not my problem

I think ‘duty of care’ is the wrong phrase, but surely we all have some responsibility to watch out for the more vulnerable members of society like children, the elderly, those with additional needs?

When you say “not my monkeys”, I get that other people’s childcare isn’t your problem, but if you and others think like that then you/they should be consistent. Not interested in other people’s children? Then don’t get involved with them by inviting them into your house.