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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My children were invited into a strangers house! Am I over reacting?

402 replies

Flowers94 · 06/09/2023 19:06

This is quite long but basically my children are 8&9 and have been playing out at the back of our house for a few months but know where they can and can’t go. a few days ago they’ve gone out and when I’ve gone to shout them in they weren’t responding so I’ve panicked and when they returned about 10 mins later they’ve been in a house about 12 door up stroking a cat.
I’ve explained the them about stranger danger and asked what’s happened and they’ve said the cat was lost so they’ve found it and this couple have said to them that the cat is shy so do they want to come in and stroke/feed the cat.

i went mad at the kids which I maybe shouldn’t have done but they know we don’t go into strangers houses, I am considering going to this couples house and suggesting they don’t invite children into their home as to me that’s extremely odd.
is this an overreaction on my part? Or do normal adults invite children into their homes to stroke there pets

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 07/09/2023 13:29

inadarkwood · 07/09/2023 10:23

Weird, or not, it is not their job to police OP's children or presume to know her parenting rules. That is the job of the parents.

Show quote history

No, it’s not their job to police other people’s children, but, equally, they have a responsibility to behave appropriately as adults in regard to children. Just because the children wrongly didn’t say No to entering the house, doesn’t mean the adults don’t hold any responsibility. Simply, they shouldn’t have asked the children in. They are two different things.

superplumb · 07/09/2023 13:35

I'd keep calm and not go mad at rhe couple. 1. They may be of a diff generation and honesty thought they were being nice or 2) the couple didn't invite your children into their home but waited outside to pet the cat.
In any event, I would personally not let them go so far again. I know it's hard but you've presumably spoken to them about stranger danger before but ignored this because of a cat. They're too immature atm. My 2 are the same...if someone told them to come over to pet a dog they'd be right over...until I can trust them, they stay where I can see them

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/09/2023 13:37

N3philim · 06/09/2023 22:45

I don’t think you can genuinely discuss anything with this poster, no matter how sensible you are. I gave up earlier
@mayorofcasterbridge

Edited

You're absolutely right!

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/09/2023 13:45

Prescottdanni123 · 07/09/2023 06:01

@mayorofcasterbridge

There is nothing wrong with a polite conversation wherein OP explains that while it is nothing personal, she doesn't know them and would rather that they didn't invite the kids into their house again because she is trying to teach them that it is not safe to trust strangers. That while nothing happened this time, next time the stranger might invite them in for unpleasant reasons so it is important the kids don't go into any stranger's house, no matter how nice they seem.

That's exactly what I said should happen.

Some posters are basically baying for blood!!

inadarkwood · 07/09/2023 14:22

BreatheAndFocus · 07/09/2023 13:29

No, it’s not their job to police other people’s children, but, equally, they have a responsibility to behave appropriately as adults in regard to children. Just because the children wrongly didn’t say No to entering the house, doesn’t mean the adults don’t hold any responsibility. Simply, they shouldn’t have asked the children in. They are two different things.

Show quote history

Not everybody holds the same rules regarding such things. They aren't fortune tellers. The OP's responsibility is to ensure her children understand her boundaries, which clearly they don't. It is not up to other people outside of her family to guess what those boundaries are, and to behave as if they are also OP's children. If they were you, they shouldn't have asked the children in, but they are not you.

Thintelligencerising · 07/09/2023 16:39

The National Crime Agency estimates there are 850,000 paedophiles in the UK. That's 1 in every 10,000 people. They're not as common as the media would have you believe.

SisterAgatha · 07/09/2023 17:54

There are 67 million in the UK according to ONS

Skodacool · 07/09/2023 17:55

Difficult one this. There might be an occasion when they’re frightened or in danger and would maybe knock on a door to take refuge.

SisterAgatha · 07/09/2023 17:57

That’s 1 in 39, v basic maths, top end of the estimation based on 50% of the UK population (seeing as the article specified men)

H007 · 07/09/2023 18:17

I don’t think the couple have done anything wrong here, if I’d found an 8/9 year old alone outside on the street and I didn’t know where they lived I’d be worried about them and want to find out more about what they were doing and where their parents were etc. I think you are angry with them because of fear of what could have happened if they were a “nice couple”, but the reality is your children shouldn’t have been put in that vulnerable position, and if they aren’t old enough to recognise the potential dangers they really should be allowed out unsupervised. Because next time the couple might not be “nice”.

BreatheAndFocus · 07/09/2023 18:34

inadarkwood · 07/09/2023 14:22

Not everybody holds the same rules regarding such things. They aren't fortune tellers. The OP's responsibility is to ensure her children understand her boundaries, which clearly they don't. It is not up to other people outside of her family to guess what those boundaries are, and to behave as if they are also OP's children. If they were you, they shouldn't have asked the children in, but they are not you.

Show quote history

Except it’s not just me, is it? Most people know not to invite random children into their house. It’s not ‘parenting rules’. Stranger Danger is taught at schools. My DC is a similar age. Obviously you don’t know them and they don’t know you. Would you invite them into your house to look at your pets/whatever? I don’t think so.

LaughingCat · 07/09/2023 18:41

We’ve had it before where I opened the door to find a 9 and 7 yr old pair of siblings on the doorstep on some random topic of convo, and were totally saucer eyed when they saw our cat. They hinted so hard I ended up inviting them in to give him some treats and a stroke. I made sure I found out where they lived in that convo and went and spoke to their mum myself later (she didn’t seem to care, as long as they were alright).

After that, they’d show up at all hours, with zero self-awareness of when it was a bad time, like middle of the workday, because they’re 9 and 7!

We moved house at Christmas and I kinda miss them now! At their age, I often knocked on neighbours doors and went in, especially when they had pets. One neighbour would often find me curled up with his retrievers in their kennels 😂.

I would always want to square things away with their parents (reassure them we’re not weird and myself that the kids are ok), but when you’re faced with a pair of nippers on the doorstep looking at you all wide-eyed, it’s so hard to tell them to bugger off!

MannyTeddy · 07/09/2023 18:47

So your children were not in view, you were in the house because you said you could hear them when you went into the garden but couldn't see them and they've betrayed your trust. You and the children are to blame, completely. They are your responsibility ffs!

Nikki7506 · 07/09/2023 19:02

I don't trust anyone but school, family or maybe 2 friends with my kids. Not unreasonable at all.

Beetleback · 07/09/2023 19:02

I think you can go round to the neighbours and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry if my kids were bothering you, they know they shouldn’t go into other people’s houses without letting me know”. That makes the rules clear without you needing to go accusing them of doing anything wrong.

And frankly it IS down to you/your kids to take responsibility for this - chances are this couple were well-meaning but it’s demonstrated your DC don’t have sufficient awareness of how to respond to this situation.

Jack80 · 07/09/2023 19:12

I would maybe take some treats for the cat as an excuse to chat to the couple and say my children came to see your cat and I didn’t know were they were. Thanks for letting them see your cat but they shouldn’t have come in to your house. They know not to enter a persons house they don’t know.

Wooky073 · 07/09/2023 19:34

I have my own kids so I understand. I would also be concerned but I would go and speak to the couple first. Yes on the surface of it its off and could be dodgy. But its probably innocent. I say this as my dear old mum who died a couple of years ago would regularly hang outside and try and engage with children as she was lonely and loved interacting with kids, as she used to be a youth worker when she was younger. She did at times get sweets to offer to the kids as well. She had no concept of how dodgy that looked. But it was totally innocent and she was just bored and lonely. So go see then and speak to them and let them know that the kids got a telling off for so readily going into someones house. You can then check them out and decide for youself what your instinct is telling you about the neighbours.

Katywester · 07/09/2023 19:34

Personally I wouldn’t allow my 8&9 year old out of our back garden alone so then they aren’t faced with difficult decisions at an age where they can’t make the right call.

Sanitas · 07/09/2023 19:40

Fgs.
So the kids TAKE the cat round these people's house and these people just happen to have ill intent towards them.
Ffs.
Do you know how unlikely that is?!

Not to mention that it is really really really rare for couples to be a stranger danger to kids like this, yes, it DOES happen, and I apologise to those it has happened to, but it is rare all the same.

The OP is being hysterical and so are those that agree with her.

Thintelligencerising · 07/09/2023 19:45

SisterAgatha · 07/09/2023 17:57

That’s 1 in 39, v basic maths, top end of the estimation based on 50% of the UK population (seeing as the article specified men)

Thank you. I obviously did the wrong sum. Am surprised there are so many.

Sanitas · 07/09/2023 19:45

I mean don't get me wrong I'd be dubious as hell about a lone guy enticing kids with sweets etc but not in the scenario the OP describes.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 07/09/2023 19:52

yabu to let an 8 year old outside without adult supervision who is clearly not ready to be left unsupervised. The only person in the wrong here is you.

Sanitas · 07/09/2023 19:59

They are old enough to be outside: they imo correctly sussed that the couple THEY brought the cat to (not enticed) are unlikely to be a danger to them which, as it happens, they weren't.