My children were invited into a strangers house! Am I over reacting?

[Flowers94]

This is quite long but basically my children are 8&9 and have been playing out at the back of our house for a few months but know where they can and can’t go. a few days ago they’ve gone out and when I’ve gone to shout them in they weren’t responding so I’ve panicked and when they returned about 10 mins later they’ve been in a house about 12 door up stroking a cat.
I’ve explained the them about stranger danger and asked what’s happened and they’ve said the cat was lost so they’ve found it and this couple have said to them that the cat is shy so do they want to come in and stroke/feed the cat.

i went mad at the kids which I maybe shouldn’t have done but they know we don’t go into strangers houses, I am considering going to this couples house and suggesting they don’t invite children into their home as to me that’s extremely odd.
is this an overreaction on my part? Or do normal adults invite children into their homes to stroke there pets

Well I wouldn't be letting your kids out to play for a while and tell them it is because they went too far and went into a strangers house without your permission.

If my kids even want anyone to come and play at our house on our garden or anything I need to know their parents know. The couple should have made sure you knew imo.

The police wouldn't agree, they'd have words.
Actually everyone in this scenario needs safeguarding. Children get used to rob people, they shouldn't be inviting children in for all sorts of reasons.

Just to give a different perspective, were the neighbours maybe worried the kids were lost and wanted to check the situation and that they were able to make it home on their own?

I was once in my garden and spotted a naked toddler saunter past my gate, nothing but socks on him! No adults around so guessed he had taken himself off for a walk. I encouraged him into my garden by suggesting he come meet my cat while DH went off to knock on doors at the other end of the street as we knew he lived up that end somewhere.

Poor DH had to knock on quite a few doors asking random people if they were missing a toddler before we found his Mum. (Eventually found out Mum had put him down for a nap and he escaped out the back as a courier had left the side gate open in their garden)

sorry but I love the way you’ve phrased this. The mental image of the naked sauntering toddler on his afternoon stroll 😂

They might of been invited in or the children could have asked to come in and pet the cat,not right for the couple to let them in either way. Children are so trusting and even with parents and school teaching about stranger danger. Hopefully now they know they have done wrong you cannot trust anyone sadly.

To answer the question, no it's not wise for people to invite random children into their home. They knew they were safe around the children but really they should support children to follow the usual rules. I think who we consider strangers as an adult is not the same as children would call a stranger. I don't think it's a helpful word really. Your children aren't ready to play out unattended.

Are you sure the children didn't ask to go in? I think you'd be harsh to go telling the couple off. The vast majority of people mean your children no harm - let's remember the percentage of the population that would ever, ever harm a child are miniscule. What does telling off an innocent couple do? If they were child-harmers, telling them off isn't going to stop them, is it. So all you are doing is chastising someone who means your child no harm. It's not protecting them from child predators, is it?

Much better to teach your children (as you have been trying) not to go with strangers. If that couple had meant them harm, you wouldn't have had the opportunity to tell them off for letting your child in their house to pet their shy cat.. the damage would have been done already.

On the other side of the coin, I rehomed a pet from a neighbour I didn't know (not cat or dog, think small pet). For months later, I had the child turning up at my door both alone, and with several friends, asking to see the pet as they missed the pet. Even as a (childless) woman, I had to turn her down again and again, and advise her to have her mother contact me to arrange a day/time. Sometimes, it would be my childless DH, home alone, when she knocked the door.

Girl turned up again advising her mum knew she had come over. I told her I hadn't heard this from her mum so would contact her. When I contacted the mum, she had no idea the girl had been knocking at all, and bringing several friends with her, at times. I told her girl was welcome to see pet, but that I felt it was only appropriate at a prearranged time when mum knew exactly where she was, and not with a big group of friends as I didn't know their parents/they wouldn't know where their kids were. Girl was likely bringing friends for comfort! Mum was very grateful for the offer, and we tried to facilitate but schedules clashed. She told me it was absolutely fine for us to let her in if we wanted, but I genuinely was too uncomfortable to do it off the cuff when mum didn't know she was in someones home at that exact time. I dread to think I'd have angry mums knocking on my door making out I'm a weirdo for giving in and letting them into living room to say hello to pet, I'd be so upset, for trying to be kind and patient with children.

Basically, wee girl missed out on a couple visits to her old pet, which was 20 steps into my living room and would have been 5 minutes, because people are terrified to be kind to children that aren't theirs, because of reactions like yours OP.

You're not unreasonable to be uncomfortable they were in an adults home. You are perfectly reasonable to not allow your child into peoples homes. You are unreasonable to chastise them I feel, in this case. And you are definitely unreasonable to judge them especially 'because they have no children'.

You won't the chance to chastise someone who actually means your child harm, I wouldn't go round telling innocent people off, it's much more important to teach children not to do it. All this just creates a culture of people who don't want to interact with children at all, for fear of being labelled something unfair.

@mayorofcasterbridge

There is nothing wrong with a polite conversation wherein OP explains that while it is nothing personal, she doesn't know them and would rather that they didn't invite the kids into their house again because she is trying to teach them that it is not safe to trust strangers. That while nothing happened this time, next time the stranger might invite them in for unpleasant reasons so it is important the kids don't go into any stranger's house, no matter how nice they seem.

Your kids are not ready to ve playing out alone.

Fine to thank the children and let them interact further with the cat, but it was this bit which doesn’t sound fine:

they’ve said the cat was lost so they’ve found it and this couple have said to them that the cat is shy so do they want to come in and stroke/feed the cat

The children have already interacted with the cat, presumably stroking it then picking it up to carry it to the house, so why would they need to go into the house to stroke it again and feed it? No matter the intentions of the couple, it sounds weird.

But as a PP pointed out, speaking to them might make OP feel temporarily better but will achieve nothing in the way of child protection.

If they had no ill intent, they will likely as not think they did nothing wrong. If they have no insight into why inviting strange children into their home is a very unwise idea, there will unfortunatley be no getting through. If they did have ill intent, then those points are moot in any case, but speaking to them won't achieve the end game of protecting children, considering many predators befriend adults and operate in plain sight.

I'd keep my counsel on this but use it as a valuable learning opportunity. There's a balance to strike here by making children appopriately aware of potential danger but not teaching them to fear absolutely everyone.

Going into someone's home to see the sweet animal is, however, an enormous red line crossed. The situation couldn't be any more of a cliche.

Of course that is not normal and they should have known better. But your priority needs to be in teaching your children because you can control that, you cannot control every adult that they might cross paths with.

As for this couple, yes, they are idiots. They may weirdos or not but they are definitely idiots. Many moons ago, our next door neighbours daughter (age 7) knocked wanting to come in and see our new baby- the answer was of course she could providing she goes home and her parents ok it first. We had a great relationship but no one in their right mind invites in a child without checking a parent knows where they are.

This. Even if innocent, which it almost certainly was- it's dangerous for the child... because if that visit was all fine and they got biscuits and a nice cat experience, what have you just taught the kids? They have just built a pattern recognition that this is an ok safe thing to do (and that mummy must just be paranoid).

I would definitely talk to them. They probably won't have thought about it. It's also highly likely they would invite them in again, now that they 'know them'.

I knew of someone who used to actively encourage her small children to visit her neighbour (probably so she could have a break).

Her neighbour was a sick old man in his 70s who lived with his adult son of about 50.

She said the neighbours enjoyed it.

I found it very bizarre.

I wonder if they are elderly . Times have changed. When mine were small, 30 odd years ago, I remember being with my Mum and dad at the park, my dad was pushing mine on the swings and roundabout, me and mum just on the bench chatting, but then my mum clocked that 2 other similar age children were following mine and my dad and he was pushing them and chatting to them too, my mum said her blood ran cold as my dad was oblivious to how things had changed since we were small, so she called them over and we got ice creams, she explained to my dad later that it could look bad, sad really, but we can't tell what a person's intentions are. This couple may be a version of my dad?

Including couples with children.

Weird, or not, it is not their job to police OP's children or presume to know her parenting rules. That is the job of the parents.

Yeah and that comes across as very accusatory - which is not the way forwards here
I would try a different, more gentler tact. I would make an effort to run in to them in the next few days and suss them out

It takes a village/ community etc to understand this stuff

The couple are your neighbours - go see them say a friendly hello and explain you don't allow your children to go into strangers houses so they were given a telling off - you can say this lightly and it will also help you get the measure of these people.

It's likely they are just ignorant but I agree with you it's not safe at all on either side for this to happen - it takes a simple 'run and ask your mum if you can come in'

caban · Yesterday 19:17

I would definitely have gone mad at my kids and I would also go and speak to the couple involved.
**
OK, maybe it was a totally innocent act on their part.
But if it wasn't and there's something dodgy going on, these people need to know that the children have parents who are aware of what they're doing and will challenge strangers.”

This. I think children are always put off guard if there’s a woman involved. They need to know not to go with anyone, male or female.

You need to find a child friendly way of explaining that stranger danger is rubbish. I don't know the stats but it's more children adbducted/killed where the person is known to them.

So it doesn't matter who says, mummy says it's ok, I rang her, I'm your school cleaner etc. their answer is always 'I have to go ask mum in person'

What's the reason for them not being allowed out alone?

Answer: BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T GOT THE SENSE TO NOT GO INTO STRANGERS HOUSES! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Exactly. (And obviously the cat had run into the house of its own accord after being returned, hence the children being invited in.)

I'm child-free and this scenario wouldn't strike me as weird at all. I don't have a cat and don't want strange children in my house so I personally wouldn't invite them in, but if those things were the other way round it would just seem like a nice thing to do for children who've done a nice thing for me. The safeguarding stuff, stranger danger etc is simply not on my radar. I don't give much thought to the huge variety of parenting rules out there.

If your kids aren't mature enough to follow your simple instructions while out on their own, they're not mature enough to be out on their own, full stop.

You'd be massively unreasonable to "tell off" this couple in any way.