Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

577 replies

iopg · 06/09/2023 18:26

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 06/09/2023 19:24

This can't be real?

Tinkerbyebye · 06/09/2023 19:25

Next time he says it’s tough agree, yes son I know we are finding it tough etc

and stop giving him anything unless Christmas or birthday. On £65k he should more than be able to manage

ask him if he wants some helping putting together a budget

CosyNightsOnTheSofa · 06/09/2023 19:25

You gave him 50k for a house deposit, so he now owns a property and is on 65k. I think he's an entitled cheeky chancer. Stop enabling him, he must think you have a magic money tree, he can't possibly be struggling on 65k as a single man unless he's into gambling or has secret debts etc. I lived on less than half of that straight out of uni and was able to save thousands (for a house), granted it was 15 years ago but still. I certainly wasn't given a house deposit or asking my parents for handouts once I finished uni and was independent.

Oblomov23 · 06/09/2023 19:25

£65k. Gross pay £5,416.67. Net pay is approx £3,896.34. Take student loan out and you're still left with a good take home pay.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 06/09/2023 19:26

Jesus I don't earn much more than that and I'm raising 3 children as a single mother!
He is one entitled cheeky so so - I'd be embarrassed sponging off my parents and pleading poverty!

ChampagneLassie · 06/09/2023 19:26

Come on now. That’s a decent salary and he’s just being cheeky. Just tell him to sort himself out. If you want to treat him do, but he certainly shouldn’t expect it.

Chippy4me · 06/09/2023 19:26

He should absolutely not be struggling financially.

For context I receive less than £20k a year (including income from work and all benefit top ups) and that is for myself and child.
So 2 of us are getting by on less than a third of what he does.

He needs to learn to live within his means, else he’s going to get into a lot of debt and his life will be miserable.

CottageBearskin · 06/09/2023 19:27

Stop giving him money! And stop feeling bad for not giving him money!

By continuing to give him money for all these non essentials you're robbing him of the opportunity to grow up into a fully fledged self reliant adult: that feeling of confidence that you know you can survive in the world. You're also denying him that feeling of self satisfaction when you want a thing, strive and save for it and then eventually manage to afford it. If you're determined to feel bad, feel bad for that! And then stop giving him money!

junebirthdaygirl · 06/09/2023 19:28

Hit too soon.
I would say he has seen a little weakness in you where he thinks you're a soft touch and he is trying his luck. He is finding it tough to face adult life spending money on blinds etc. Wants to continue the free and easy life he had before. He will be fine. He is not hungry and if he is he can come home for dinner.
Also...said already...but he can get a lodger. In lreland its tax free to 14, 000. Not sure about UK. Might be a bit of company in the house and take the sting out of bills.

Sotiredmjmmy · 06/09/2023 19:30

BertieBotts · 06/09/2023 18:35

Er, aren't you worried about what he's spending it all on? Surely that's a drug habit, gambling addiction etc if he doesn't have any dependents and doesn't have obvious signs of spending like several fancy cars. 1k is a perfectly normal rent/mortgage payment these days, (not saying it's not a large amount, but it's not uncommon) and not a huge amount out of a 65k salary, he should have nearly 3k left a month? No idea how much student loan repayments are but surely they aren't that much.

It’s probably more likely that after everything he has around £1000 net left after mortgage, student debt, pension, bills, food etc. maybe bit more/less depending on a car or commute costs. Some costs are also disproportionate if he’s paying all out on his own rather than with a partner.

Yes £1k for lifestyle and expenses is still a lot but if he has previously saved up £20k and that’s now gone on the house he will feel he doesn’t have a lot to work with, no savings pot to dip into to pay for the blinds etc as he’s starting it again, and it will feel like it’s taking a big chunk out each month in a different way paying for things out of his normal monthly money.

All completely do-able though, OP do not feel you need to give him anymore!

OhComeOnFFS · 06/09/2023 19:32

You have to learn how to respond with a shrug and "Yes, it would be nice to have more money, wouldn't it?" You are responding by giving him money - that teaches him a really bad lesson. He's earning a really good wage. You shouldn't be subsidising him.

Channellingsophistication · 06/09/2023 19:33

You are in no way stingy parents if you’ve given him £50 K!! He should be able to manage on that salary, even with student loans and £1k is not a massive mortgage.

Blinds are hardly a necessity. He can get them when he’s got the money….

you need to be careful, he doesn’t consider you Bank of Mum & Dad ….

LadyLapsang · 06/09/2023 19:33

Undoubtedly it is a good income, especially considering his age, however, it depends a bit on his peer group. Having a DC very slightly older, if they see their peers doing well in their career and having long exotic holidays, going skiing, footing the bill for expensive destination restaurants - especially if they are in the early days of dating and wanting to impress, countless stag weekends, wedding weekends etc., then they may not feel his money goes far, especially if he is comparing himself to friends who are married / living together and sharing bills.

I do think you need to step back, otherwise he will never feel better off, in a few years he may not earn much more but may need to support children and you may be on a lower income as you wind down at work. I remember when DC started getting the bill or sharing the bill when we eat out, (we never suggested it) despite us being mortgage free and having a good income, that it demonstrated a shift in the dynamic.

LindorDoubleChoc · 06/09/2023 19:33

Perhaps he's gambling his £2000 spare per month away? Or spending it on drugs?

Does he understand he's in the top 1% or whatever it is with a salary of £65k per year. Certainly top 5%. He sounds utterly clueless and it's about time he grows up and shows some gratitude for his utter, utter priviledge. Where I live £1,000 a month wouldn't cover the rent on a 2 bed flat.

Jk987 · 06/09/2023 19:34

He's taking the piss.

ActDottie · 06/09/2023 19:36

He should be doing just fine. When my husband and I bought our first house the mortgage was £1k a month and we were on about £50k combined income! That was only a few years ago so he should be fine.

WhataPlaice · 06/09/2023 19:36

Paper "blinds in a box" or IKEA stick on blinds are fine until he can afford better.

Zippedydoodahday · 06/09/2023 19:36

Get him listening to the most recent series of the Meaningful Money podcast, starting with the budgeting episode. It sounds like he needs to learn better financial management.

L0bstersLass · 06/09/2023 19:37

iopg · 06/09/2023 18:31

@SquirrelRed yes we also have never earned that much so to us it seems a lot but then again living costs are high at the moment. DH is very against giving him more.

Your DH is spot on.

Yellowlegobrick · 06/09/2023 19:38

You are making him into an entitled spoiled git.

A £1,000 mortgage isnt huge and its comfortably managed on a 65k salary. When i was earning 65k 12 years ago my mortage was £1,400 & yet I managed without pestering my parents for handouts.

He's a high earning adult, leave him to it.

itsgettingweird · 06/09/2023 19:39

I'd think he knows you'll give him money so he's asking!

Just offer to help him draw up a spreadsheet with savings towards what he wants!

heatherheathe · 06/09/2023 19:39

I mean I was tempted to vote YABU but only bec
The poster who said after deductions it might not be that, much according to salary calculator it's still about £3.5k monthly!
More relevantly, it's nearly double the average UK wage and more than op and partner themselves have ever earned so why on earth should they be subsidising him AFTER already giving him a £50k deposit!

sabbii · 06/09/2023 19:40

£65k works out to exactly £3,896.08 net after tax and NI per month. If you do the deductions he has £2,896.08 leftover after mortgage to pay his bills, live, eat and enjoy. His student loan repayments are only a very small fraction

heatherheathe · 06/09/2023 19:40

~tempted to vote YABU only for subsiding him in the first place, not for stopping it!

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 06/09/2023 19:41

Coke habit. Does he touch his nose a lot? He is a piss taker, but you are allowing it. By letting it continue, you are telling your husband that you have little respect for him. I feel sorry for your husband that neither his wife nor his son, ha very little regard for him, or his wishes.