To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

[iopg]

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

Wow, just wow. I’m 34, and make less than half what he does (although only work 4 days). We obviously have my partner’s wage too but also have a 2yo. We work hard, have nice things and are still managing to save some money towards a house deposit. We also pay out quite a lot for childcare each month. He needs to stand on his own two feet. Wish I was gifted £50k for a house deposit, and then had the balls to ask for money towards furnishing MY home 🙈

OP, most 28 year old don’t own a home and don’t earn 65K. Assuming he doesn’t dine out in Mayfair every night, he should be able to enjoy a meal out and live a good life.

So he had 70k to put towards buying his first house - more than many can manage - and he's struggling!

Open your eyes!! He's either taking you for fools or he's hiding debts.

Why on earth would you feel guilty about not helping with his student debts?!! He's an adult on a good wage!

Do you have doormat written on your head?

“One meal out a week, drinks after work on Friday, a new blazer for work, a Pret lunch 2-3 times a week (£5-7)”

While I agree that £65k isn’t what do you all spend it on money this above is the best part of £200 someone doesnt need to spend in one week. That’s over £10k a year, this is where you’re losing people. A lot, a lot of people don’t have that kind of disposable cash after food, fuel / travel and bills. To you it’s a new blazer and dinner, drinks out etc to someone else it may well be hookers and drugs. I think that’s all people are trying to say.

I would ask for a breakdown of his expenditure to see exactly where his £2k surplus income is going. I would like blinds too but I can't afford them unless I do without extras for a while, that's how grown up life works. He could take in a lodger if he wants to have more money.

Has he only recently moved out of your house? I wondered if he had lived at home post university, paying no or little rent, saving a little and spending lots then suddenly has a lot more outgoings?

We survive on around the same income, though mortgage is under £700 and student loans are paid off, but there's two adults, two kids, two cars and a cat surviving off that.

Use the calculator on Money Saving Expert to show you what his take home is, then you can see how he easily should have enough money.

I’d be worried where the money goes… worst case is there some kind of alcohol/drug and/or gambling habit!?

65k income is pretty good for a 1k mortgage with no dependents!

I earn just a smidgen under this salary, I have 2 kids, 2 rescue dogs (very bloody expensive) a partner, some debt, and still manage a comfortable life style with lots of treats as a family/couple/myself. We (as a couple) don’t share our money but do share the bills. (Before anybody suggests this is wrong, this is absolutely our preference and causes no issues.) Personally I think your son is taking the P.. What is it he’s spending his money on as he has a fair amount as disposable income? If he feels you’re soft and an easy target he will continue the ‘poor me card’ when in fact he has enough and is just spunking his money before the next pay day. I would not feel inclined to help him, unless there is a legitimate reason.

If you think it's normal for a childless adult working full time in a skilled role to not be able to afford holidays or meals out, I don't think there's any point in interacting with you. I feel very sorry for you that you have such low expectations from life. I've got a lot of hard work behind me, which is why I'm where I am and you're thinking 65K is a fortune and a Starbucks is some extravagant treat.

But who cares? It's irrelevant what "other people" have. For most of my life, I had pretty much £0 disposable income, and that's why I've made the choices I made. To not have kids, to move to London, and to retrain. I could have chosen to have kids with my ex at 30 and condemn them to a life of poverty, and I decided not to do it. Any of the people whining that they're poor could have done the same - they just chose not to. It's not about "needing" to spend it (I don't - I save it all, and I'm getting shit for that as well!), it's about having a social life and making it worth working your arse off all week.

Maybe OP's son is spending it on hookers and drugs, but why the heck would your mind go there when it's far more likely he's spending it on the stuff I mentioned? Never heard of Occams razor?

Yes, obviously you can have a drug habit with any income, or indeed, none. My point was that it's far more likely that a 28-year-old man with the kind of professional job that has him earning £65K before the age of 30 is just spending the money on normal stuff like going out, takeaways, clothes, gym, and meals. That's many, many more times likely that spending his entire disposable income on coke and hookers.

I can feel my brain cells diminishing with every post I read on here.

I think you're (wilfully?) missing everyone's point.

No one has any problem with however anyone spends money that they themselves earn. Here, the point is OP's son wants OP's money which she really doesn't want to and wants to verify if that salary he's on with the outgoings she's shared is a reasonable decision on her part.

I frankly don't care how you spend your money, it sounds very similar to how I spent mine before children. If however your Mum starts a thread saying you're asking her for money on top of dinners / drinks out every week and if others thinks it's reasonable to say no....yea I'd tell her to tell you to get stuffed

X

@LaydeeDi In all serious now I'm going to stop now because I'm hijacking OP's thread. It's okay, you can spend your money how you like. You can happy and rich and happy and not rich and it's all fine... as long as you aren't asking your parents for cash for a Starbucks. Also my husband earns 55k working 2 days a week and I left my highly skilled role paying 50k a year (LTFT) to spend time with family. I didn't grow up with very much so we probably have a different perception of life and contentment.

But I'm agreeing with that! OP's son could be donating all his money to charities and living on baked beans...it doesn't matter. He shouldn't be asking his parents for money, as I've said all along. I don't think one single poster on the entire thread has thought the son is being reasonable in asking his parents for money.

If this isn’t just a humblebrag about how well he is doing then you of course already know the answer; he’s on twice the national median income and should be more than able to support himself.

Now this.one is confusing. I thought you were a lone parent with a £70 per week food budget.

Quote fail 🫣

OMG your son is a sponger. 28 years old and still asking parents for money.

He is a disgrace and should be ashamed of himself.

Our household income is less than his, we’ve paid off DH uni loans, pay mortgage of just under the same amount and have never asked parents for money. We save and buy things when we can and can still afford to eat out etc.

He is being pathetic and needs to grow up.

YANBU

£65K with no dependents? Unless they've bought a rundown mansion, they shouldn't be asking, nor expecting, any financial help whatsoever.

LaydeeDi

For the love of God, learn how to use the quote function

Oh how I wish I could use the quote function. Unfortunately I can’t afford a new phone with the latest updates which my phone doesn’t get so the quote function is a distant memory

Your mentality is atrocious. If you really think that people who work full time, in stressful jobs they worked hard for years to attain, who have given up on things most people feel entitled to, like having kids, shouldn't be able to expect to go on holiday or buy the odd Starbucks, then honestly, God help you. There's no solving that level of pettiness and brainwashing

*The point is that other people have chosen to have kids, and in doing so, they've chosen to give up some material things in order to have a family. They come home and have the company of their kids. That's the reward for working hard. Single people with no kids don't have that. So what exactly is the point of working hard if you essentially have NOTHING? You think we should just work our arses off just to survive? No dates, no holidays, no meals out? Just work and work so we can fund everyone else's kids? And expecting anything else is "entitled"?

Well if they can’t afford what they want, when they want it and are having to ask their parents then maybe they should cut down on the things they feel entitled to
or maybe look at the cheap version they should be able to afford

When was spending more than you earned pettiness.

I think you need to stop thinking this thread is about you. Unless you are ops ds
This is about a single guy who by the sounds of it is spending everything he earns probably on take outs and coffees and going out and living well which means that now he really wants blinds, the expensive electric ones which he obviously feels he should have. His first idea is to hint to his parents that he needs money to pay for them.
It sounds like he hasn’t saved any money to buy them and he doesn’t think of buying buying cheap Ikea manual ones for now and saving for the electric ones by cutting down elsewhere

Anyone can spend their money on anything they choose. It doesn’t matter how hard you work or how long you spent training to do the job if you have a set income, whether that is £3,000 or £30,000 per month, if you choose to spend everything you earn or more than you earn then when you want something that costs more than you have that month then you aren’t going to be able to buy it immediately

I’ve just moved into my first home. I’m 36 with 3 children. How much did his home cost for a £70,000 deposit? (Yours and his money together I’m assuming was used, including legal fees?). We put down a 5% deposit because that’s all we could afford, and I can assure you it was less than your son had to put down himself. Our combined wage is what your son earns in a year. Our mortgage is £50 less than his, so I’m assuming his house is very expensive. Granted he could live in an expensive part of the country, but if it’s just him I’d be expecting him to be able to afford to live on his wage. I’ve also just bought blinds, curtains and curtain rails for all the rooms upstairs. Yes it’s expensive, but I honestly don’t see how he can’t afford that himself. Or, if you have such a big deposit, why he didn’t use some of his £20,000 for bits he needed for the house? I think you need to get to the bottom of where all his money is going instead of continuously forking out. (Disclaimer, have not read the thread first!).

I work in drug services and I have to say I'd be concerned about cocaine use if this was a friend of mine.

He earns considerable more than the average salary. It is not outside the norm to pay £1k a month mortgage or rent. He needs to learn to budget and not rely on Mum and Dad. You've done more thank enough giving him the deposit. It's more than most people get.

I pressed wrong button. YANBU to expect him to live on a salary that size. That's nearly twice what me and my DH make between us.