To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

[iopg]

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

So you’re saving £6k a year plus £4,500 ish for holidays. You spend £600 a year on a gym and over £7k on food. It’s not that desperate is it.

lol. Just had to didn’t you. Can’t control yourself. 28 is millennial, not gen z. Gen Z are the ones who will be the worst off, but millennials as a generation are also worse off than previous ones. It’s literally fact there’s no need to be on here being mardy about it because you feel the need to be the most hard off generation for some reason. There’s this amazing thing in statistics called outliers. Perhaps you should spend a bit of time looking into it.

OP I earn just over 50k, very slightly smaller mortgage and I have student loans and manage fine (I save money too). Your son is probs to use to bank of mum and dad now and doesn’t know how to budget.

When I was that age, I was on an equivalent wage in a great job. I had student loans etc but my life was socials. Great fun! I then took a 15k paycut to do a job I loved. I had bought a small house (my parents LOANED me the deposit which I paid back with interest) and things became much tighter. My dad sat me down to do a budget -money in and money out. It was tight. So nice furnishings, holidays, nights out, treats were all limited for many years. No more debt and nothing on the never never - thank god for that lesson too - as you never get back on track and in the black. so cut back, economise, buy wisely, buy second hand, no holidays. I missed a massive group holiday pjs year and everyone was astonished but I stuck to it. I had to of I’d go into debt and that was the lesson. I still had a great time!

It was the best life lesson ever - living within your means. I remember at the time being pissed off as only a 20 something yr old kid can be that my parents were charging me the interest on my house deposit, but I am so grateful now as it presented me with real life, stopped me becoming entitled and taught me to live within my means and pay my own way. It made me grow up.

Think your son needs that lesson. Money tap off. You think you’re being kind but it’s kinder to make him stand on his own two feet.

Just stop op. I know he's your son, but sometimes by helping too much, it's actually not helping them at all, as he's never going to learn to live within his means, if he knows you'll always pay for the big boring expensive things, he doesn't want to "waste" his own money on, and I guarantee this is his train of thought. It won't stop at the blinds, it will be a new bathroom, kitchen, flooring, windows etc in time, so unless you want to be paying to maintain two households, just stop now. He earns more than most families supporting young dependants, and by the sounds of it, he's by himself, earning a very decent salary. No reason to be struggling, and like I said, I guarantee he's just spinning you this yarn as doesn't want to part with his own cash for what he considers a boring expense.

I think you should should stop enabling your CF adult son. He has a new home and needs to prioritise, not everything needs to be bought or tweeds to be done now. Maybe he should eat out less to pay for his damn blinds.

Sit him down and ask him if he needs help with budgeting but you and his father aren’t an atm/ easy source of income.

Has he got a gambling problem or something else?
He earns extremely well, over 3k a month is a lot, i would be saying NO to hints for any more money, and hes taking you for a fool if you give him any more.

electric blinds - he's taking the piss, sounds like he is the tight ass wanting mummy and daddy to pay for stuff all the time

What on earth? Does he have kids? My DH earns 50k with a 1k mortgage and we are just fine! We have 2 small children. He also has a student loan to pay back and around 3k worth of fees for work. We go on holiday twice a year too. He is definitely overspending on unnecessary items.

I suspect he has an alcohol or gambling issue...

I mean, we have a combined income of around £70,000 with two young children (and in fact a lot less than that at the moment as I’m on maternity leave) and a similar mortgage, and we have never asked for financial help… for a single person that income sounds like plenty!

I am amazed an adult of 28 thinks it is fine to take money from retired parents.
I would be very disappointed if mine did this, and it would be a firm NO.
He needs to stand on his own feet, in fact he sould have been so very grateful you gifted him a deposit he never mentions money again, he sounds very entitled.

@LaydeeDi what nonsense are you spouting? Our total household income is 55k and we are fine. If you are talking about hotels in NYC you clearly do not have an issue with money! You could literally save up all that money you waste over 3 years and invest it. Bloody hell I'm so confused, what kind of lifestyle are people expecting, it's crazy.

Being a parent is hard! But this lad is taking the piss, I totally agree with the majority of contributors here, he needs to learn that life is about taking responsibility for oneself and not relying on mum and dad for handouts..when does it stop? My sister is nearly 60 and still sponges off my mum..(she’s 86)

My kids are 20 somethings. The main problem is all the socials that show a perfect world with gorgeous decor and they think it's easy and that they somehow deserve it. Life lessons are needed. 3 holidays a year is not the norm and a house decorated in the latest fashion every year is costly- choices!

Most first time buyers go to IKEA or home base and buy the cloth blinds you can fit yourself and live with that and save their money to buy the bigger/nicer/more expensive things they want. On 65k with a mortgage of £1000k he should be fine. His take home even with student loan and pension should be more than £3000 per month I'd imagine. So that's £2000 to pay for bills, food and luxury and to save a bit each month. I wouldn't worry about the student loan as it comes out his salary. I suspect if you helped him reduce the student loan and he had more disposable income he would just spend it and youd then be helping him more. He needs a reality check!

That’s a generalisation. This boy has been handed his 50k deposit without having to use his own savings so in many ways is better off than me being single!

We don’t save on food by being in a couple because my husband doesn’t get home until 9-10pm and I’m vegan whereas he’s a big meat eater so we eat separately and very rarely cook at home.

We don’t save on staying in because we live in a tiny crappy rented flat but we choose to live here because it’s in central London and we love where we live so we’re out as much as possible and on this salary we can afford to go out all the time!

I’ve quoted what my half of rent is which is £300 more then the OP’s son which would offset any difference in splitting bills.

Flights and eating out on holiday is the same whether you’re single or in a couple and most single people will go on holiday with friends (and share a room) so the costs there are the same. Even if he stays in a room alone, if I can afford 4 overseas holidays per year (plus a couple of UK weekends away) surely he can afford one holiday without having to ask his parents for cash? I’d expect him not to go away at all if it means having to ask his parents for cash.

I also lived in London on 28k for 3 years on my own without ever asking my parents for money.

I know how far this salary goes because I get it and there is no way this boy is struggling on that salary with that mortgage unless he’s completely pissing it away.

My partner and I earn that joint, we're about to have a baby, our parents don't give us a penny & we would never ask, nor expect it, mine couldn't afford to to start with. We don't have takeaways, but manage to go out for semi regular meals at over £80 a head. Your son is taking the piss and needs to stand on his own two feet!

£65k for a single man with no dependents and £1,000 mortgage is, no matter what one poster says, plenty to have a perfectly pleasant life in London.

There’s loads of events that are cheap/free. Drinks don’t have to cost a lot - pick the right pub. Public transport is cheap and plentiful.

It’s time for him to grow up.

He's on a great salary and got a 50K gift towards a house deposit. That was generous of you to help with so he could get his own place.

I'm with your DH - I wouldn't be offering any more money. Let him find his feet and figure out how to manage his own finances. I'd just suggest he tries to make a budget to see where the money's going if he starts complaining in front of you again.

Sorry OP but you are being absolutely ridiculous pandering to this nonsense.
Even if he is (highly doubtful imo) short of money, rather than just crap with it and/or a CF, it is NOT your problem to solve

Time to pull back from allowing this unappealing grasping to work is LONG overdue

That's ridiculous! We earn about 45k between us and have 2 kids and bought a house last year. Our 'eating out' budget just about covers a Macdonald's once a month for the sake of the kids. We went about 4 months without curtains in our bedroom till I found a paid for £10 in the charity shop which fit.
Next time he complains tell him "suck it up, cupcake!"

Maybe the OPs DS and @LaydeeDi should get together for a date?

They could bond over how hard done by they are with 'only' about £2k disposable income between them each month while wandering around all the free parks, museums and events before working out if they could possibly stretch to a drink or two?

LaydeeDi · Yesterday 21:48

Yalta · Yesterday 13:01

LaydeeDi. Yesterday 11:24

Yalta · Yesterday 10:11

I live in London. Yes it is expensive re housing costs but there are lots of stuff which isn’t or the same price.

I moved back to London about 25 years ago and despite having a bigger and more expensive house my bills actually reduced. Even my council tax/rates reduced by £50 per month.

I do think people get wrapped up in the salary they earn, thinking they can buy whatever they want because they are on a big salary and work hard so deserve blinds that work by motor as opposed to pulling a cord. They deserve the Uber fare as opposed to swiping your Oyster card or walking home.

The reality is salaries are finite and £65k once you make the deductions for mortgage, student loan, tax, NI and bills there is a set amount left. If you fritter that amount on crap or things that weren’t necessary then when you actually want something you can’t have it without taking on another job and being a bit more savvy with the money you do have

But equally, there's loads of entitlement shown by parents who think that somehow children don't count as lifestyle choices.

I can work my arse off and save all year to go to the Maldives, and that's seen as really decadent. Someone else could be working their arse off and spending that same money on their three kids. Why is it only OK to criticise me for "choosing" to spend money on something like a holiday while the person with the kids gets to complain about how hard it is? People don't "deserve" kids any more than OP's sons "deserves" blinds. People make their own choices based on their own priorities.

Nobody should be expecting others to fund their lifestyle

Apart from the last sentence what has your answer/comments got to do with what I posted

I was saying that people get carried away with earning “large” salaries and take the attitude that it is only £5 here and £15 there on Uber’s and coffees or lunches and don’t realise how much those little things they feel they deserve and feel like they can afford add up.

You replied with children being lifestyle choices when the ds as far as we know doesn’t have children and iopg has an adult son who earns enough to realistically stand on his own 2 feet and with going to the Maldives and something about criticising you for going on holiday

So confused.

What's with the nasty "feel they deserve" comment?

We DO deserve a few nice treats, yes, otherwise what's the bloody point of being alive? We as higher earners already pay in hundreds of pounds a month in tax and NI to support lower earners and other people's children, and now you're begrudging us coffees and takeaways and Netflix and dates? You think I should come home after a long day at work and an hour standing on a packed, sweaty train to come home to my studio flat and just sit and stare at a wall?

You really do see us single childless adults as subhuman, don't you*

Why do you think everything is about you.

Why are you staring at a wall when you have Netflix.

Where in anything I have ever posted have I written or even inferred that I see “childless adults as sub human”

People say I deserve a treat for doing what everyone else is doing. You were on a packed train for an hour and you say that deserves a treat. How many other people were on that train who went and bought themselves something for doing their regular commute
We have all done those commutes. It isn’t something unusual. You look forward to the cold shower when you get home
It is, as you have pointed out that people think they deserve a treat

But what happens when the “high salary” doesn’t cover the costs of the treats or the “it’s only 20 quid I can afford it” and nothing is put aside for things that are a bit more expensive and suddenly something comes up and there is no money to buy it.

FWIW I have lived in a studio flat. With a tiny black and white tv in London on a tiny salary (No Netflix or Spotify or phone)
Didn’t bother me as I was always out.

Loads of free stuff to do.

What has being childless got to do with anything. Do you think that being a parent means you don’t ever treat yourself.

Still confused by your replies

Funny to see several posters suggesting it might be gambling or drugs. There are plenty of people who can burn through a very good income, such as the OP's son, without any need for addictions in the mix. Often it's a result of a complete lack of financial awareness/discipline from having being privileged and spoiled their entire lives. So many people consider a high spec car renewed every 3 years, top end mobile phone, professional nails & lashes, luxury cosmetics etc as basic life essentials. I had a colleague moaning to me about how it was so hard for them to make ends meet, far less save. When I pointed out that the 3+ Starbucks they bought every working day worked out at over £200 per month they reacted like I'd suggested they sell a kidney.