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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

577 replies

iopg · 06/09/2023 18:26

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

OP posts:
TheMummy9875 · 09/09/2023 06:54

That’s bonkers! And bailing him out, imo, is the worst thing because he will then never learn to manage his money! That’s very close to our household income. There’s 2 adults, 2 children & a dog! We manage on that amount to run a mortgaged 3 bed house, all the necessities, save for a small family holiday once a year, service our debts, run a car AND regularly help a family member who is struggling. I can’t understand how he is struggling as a single person, even with loans, to live on that. I work on financial services so see people’s income/outgoings on a daily basis & he is definitely NOT on a low income!

Imisssleep2 · 09/09/2023 06:56

He needs to learn to budget his money, even with a 1k mortgage he should have plenty left from 65k for bills and going out, you can't supplement him for the rest of his life. He will just have to choose what nights out he wants to do rather than all of them. Is he constantly eating out/having takeaways and buying lunch at work? Maybe he needs to look at where he can save money easily like making his lunch. Even buying a sandwich and snack a day will easily cost a fiver a day, £25 a week, £100 a month, soon adds up. And a takeaway will cost at least £10-£15 where as he could do 3 or 4 home cooked meals easily for that price. Once I was in a position of living on my own, I never expected hand outs from parents, maybe if there was an unexpected bill l, ie washing needed replacing you could help out if you wished to, but that's what my credit card is for if something like that happens and I don't have the cash instantly, then I pay off when I get paid, so doesn't become debt with interest.

Twiglets1 · 09/09/2023 07:11

My daughter earns about 50k and she has a similar mortgage plus student debt. She manages on her own. He is being dishonest @iopg

He has enough disposable income to be comfortable, he is just trying to get more money out of you for going out etc, sorry to say it.

CheddarGorgeous · 09/09/2023 07:15

I earn about that, have a mortgage and support a kid in private school so he's really not managing his money well if he's skint.

Things he can do:

  • stick to a proper budget
  • shop around for best utility/broadband/phone etc. deals
  • get a lodger
  • shop on Vinted/eBay/Facebook marketplace for clothes and furniture

Does he have flashy friends he's trying to keep up with?

addictedtotheflats · 09/09/2023 07:15

That's not far off mine and DPs combined income and we have a mortgage, a child in nursery, 2 holidays a year, 2 cars, manage to save and don't struggle. Does he have a drug or alcohol problem? Gambling addiction? Something is not right.

Emeraldrings · 09/09/2023 07:21

When DH and I first moved in together we had sheets up in the window as we couldn't afford curtains or blinds.
We still earn less than your son but manage with 3 children. Perhaps he should have got somewhere with a smaller mortgage or paid his loan off first.
Anyway he's an adult, time to stand on his own feet.

itsallnewnow · 09/09/2023 07:24

I'm on less than that and have student and post grad student loans. Didn't get a bean from my parents as they couldn't afford it.
Dh and I combined have a similar salary to your son and 3 kids. We manage to he comfortable and go on holiday (uk) once or twice a year. I think he seriously needs to cut his cloth. Our blinds are from Asda and fitted ourselves.

I think you're on the edge of doing him a disservice really, if you don't nudge him to do it himslef how will he learn ?

PetiteNasturtium · 09/09/2023 07:39

I am horrified at his attitude more than the amounts involved. He will also sabotage chances of a relationship with an attitude like that.

rrrrrreatt · 09/09/2023 07:44

Electric blinds are not essential, he’s absolutely taking the Michael.

We bought our first house together recently and our blinds are from ikea - you cut them down, Velcro them to the windowsill and fold them up with your hands. They’re not my dream blinds but we’re skint so spent £40 and had enough blinds for all 3 bedrooms. We haven’t got any downstairs because we don’t urgently need a kitchen blind.

You have to cut your cloth (or blind) to what you have in your pocket.

emziecy · 09/09/2023 07:53

I'm literally speechless at this. I'm 50 and have brought up 3 children by myself. My eldest is 33 and has made a good life for himself, qualified tradesman in the UK. My youngest are 16 and 17. We are all British but have not lived in the UK for 8 years. I am a highly qualified professional but massively underpaid which is common in the country we live in. It is a huge struggle just to pay the very basics, to the point where meat of any kind is a luxury, clothes are always from charity shops or passed on from friends and going out for meals or even a cheap takeaway is just not affordable. My youngest two kids go to school and work long hours also to contribute to the household, which makes me feel like shit. I would love to be able to give my kids the financial life choices you have been able to but it is literally impossible for us as a family. So to be honest, I think your child is extremely fortunate to have had the opportunities that you have given them, and you should possibly stop enabling their ludicrous sense of entitlement and tell them to fuck right off.

Mimi777 · 09/09/2023 07:58

I think it's time he stood on his own 2 feet! He's 28 not a child. My daughter is 20, she earns nowhere near 65k and has only occasionally asked for help financially, even then she always pays me back. I myself live on around 20k I pay £600per month rent, I don't have much money but I always have enough. I have had to ask my parents for help occasionally but again, the money always gets paid back. You've done your parenting duties, it's time for you to enjoy your money.

Internationalpony · 09/09/2023 08:08

Can you ask him what on Earth his money is going on? I’m 33 and on exactly the same salary as your son. I also have student loans so after student loans my net pay is £3300. I live in London and pay £1300 per month in rent (for my half). That leaves me with £2000 left for other bills, food, transport & leisure. I’m not frugal and eat out several times a week and go on several holidays a year (in January I spent 3 weeks in Australia and Singapore, Budapest in April, Croatia in June and I’m going on a safari in October). I still have plenty left each month for savings.

There’s no way your son should need to ask for money and he’s already extremely privileged to have been given £50k for a house deposit. I’ve managed to save £40k towards a house deposit and my husband has saved more so we’re hoping to buy somewhere soon. The last time I asked for help from my parents I was a student, when I got a grad job on 28k I stopped asking for anything! He doesn’t need the money, he needs to figure out how he’s managing to haemorrhage so much cash and learn some basic financial management skills, You’re not doing him any favours by enabling this.

emziecy · 09/09/2023 08:08

Why would you anyway?

mumda · 09/09/2023 08:19

You need to ensure he is managing his income properly. Sit down and go through his income and outgoings.

Don't give him money, educate him instead.

Member869894 · 09/09/2023 08:23

He's taking the piss

topnoddy · 09/09/2023 08:25

Basically he's taking the piss !

LaydeeDi · 09/09/2023 08:25

Internationalpony · 09/09/2023 08:08

Can you ask him what on Earth his money is going on? I’m 33 and on exactly the same salary as your son. I also have student loans so after student loans my net pay is £3300. I live in London and pay £1300 per month in rent (for my half). That leaves me with £2000 left for other bills, food, transport & leisure. I’m not frugal and eat out several times a week and go on several holidays a year (in January I spent 3 weeks in Australia and Singapore, Budapest in April, Croatia in June and I’m going on a safari in October). I still have plenty left each month for savings.

There’s no way your son should need to ask for money and he’s already extremely privileged to have been given £50k for a house deposit. I’ve managed to save £40k towards a house deposit and my husband has saved more so we’re hoping to buy somewhere soon. The last time I asked for help from my parents I was a student, when I got a grad job on 28k I stopped asking for anything! He doesn’t need the money, he needs to figure out how he’s managing to haemorrhage so much cash and learn some basic financial management skills, You’re not doing him any favours by enabling this.

Are you single or do you share with a partner? It's way, way cheaper to live as half of a couple (or even with a friend or relative) than as a single person. Not only are rent and all bills cheaper, but food scales up well, so it's much cheaper to cook for two than one, without having to eat the same thing multiple days running.

Holidays are also much cheaper as a couple. The hotel room literally costs twice as much if you're a single person. 5-6 nights in NYC for a single person is going to be the best part of £2000 for a non-fancy hotel. .

You often also save money as a couple because you can hang around together at home watching films, cooking, or other free/cheap activities. Dating costs money, as does going out with friends. Staying at home alone is very different to staying at home with a partner, as is going out for a nice long walk.

If I could just share my mortgage, bills, and food costs, without even getting into how much more expensive a single lifestyle generally is due to things like dating, I'd be about £800 better off every single month.

You can't compare £65K as half of a couple (or living with friends/family) and £65K for someone living alone.

MaybeSmaller · 09/09/2023 08:28

Ridiculous and entitled.

He's on more than double the average UK income and will be sitting on maybe 2.5k AFTER mortgage and deductions each month.

Absolutely no reason for him to be struggling with anything if he has no DCs (does he?)

Is he gambling, on drugs, using prostitutes?

You've already given him a massive house deposit.

Listen and nod when he tells you about his money woes but take it with a pinch of salt and do ask to have a look at his outgoings before you even consider giving him more money.

I was on (in real terms) half that salary at his age and I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my parents for money.

bruffin · 09/09/2023 08:36

LaydeeDi · 09/09/2023 08:25

Are you single or do you share with a partner? It's way, way cheaper to live as half of a couple (or even with a friend or relative) than as a single person. Not only are rent and all bills cheaper, but food scales up well, so it's much cheaper to cook for two than one, without having to eat the same thing multiple days running.

Holidays are also much cheaper as a couple. The hotel room literally costs twice as much if you're a single person. 5-6 nights in NYC for a single person is going to be the best part of £2000 for a non-fancy hotel. .

You often also save money as a couple because you can hang around together at home watching films, cooking, or other free/cheap activities. Dating costs money, as does going out with friends. Staying at home alone is very different to staying at home with a partner, as is going out for a nice long walk.

If I could just share my mortgage, bills, and food costs, without even getting into how much more expensive a single lifestyle generally is due to things like dating, I'd be about £800 better off every single month.

You can't compare £65K as half of a couple (or living with friends/family) and £65K for someone living alone.

Show quote history

Also couples get two lots of tax free personal allowances ,if both of them are working

hot2trotter · 09/09/2023 08:37

You won't be there to wipe his arse forever, grow a back bone and start saying no or he'll never learn.

Hummingbird99 · 09/09/2023 08:38

I agree that he absolutely should be funding himself and it is unreasonable of him BUT...devils advocate here. If he's working in a job and with friends who are living a certain lifestyle, I can easily see how £2k can go each month particularly if he's in or around London. On a night out £100 can easily just go if you're buying rounds of drinks. It depends what hobbies he has also. If he's working around wealthy people and feels the need to keep up appearances with them that really doesn't help either. I'm in my 30s now and have been around men on similar incomes in London throughout my late 20s and I wouldn't underestimate the peer pressure/ social expectation side of this. That said, that's what he needs to work around instead of coming to you for handouts. Obviously.

Equimum · 09/09/2023 08:44

Perhaps the most helpful you could do is not give him money, but offer support around budgeting if he's struggling on a salary like that. It's a good income for a young person, but maybe he's being over cautious and trying to save huge amounts which mean he doesn't give himself enough to live off, or alternatively, he's frittering little bits constantly without thinking, and needs some supportive guidance in this.

CornishGem1975 · 09/09/2023 08:47

This can't be real. It's much more than the average UK household income.

MissBiljanaElectronika · 09/09/2023 08:47

What does his entitled attitude comes from?!

blinds… well boohoo, but some curtain poles and curtains (or blinds) at IKEA for £20 and sort it yourself man child

it’s quite disappointing, his attitude to you. Can you not gently (or harshly 😁) laugh at him and point him in the direction of Ikea

Twiglets1 · 09/09/2023 08:47

LaydeeDi · 09/09/2023 08:25

Are you single or do you share with a partner? It's way, way cheaper to live as half of a couple (or even with a friend or relative) than as a single person. Not only are rent and all bills cheaper, but food scales up well, so it's much cheaper to cook for two than one, without having to eat the same thing multiple days running.

Holidays are also much cheaper as a couple. The hotel room literally costs twice as much if you're a single person. 5-6 nights in NYC for a single person is going to be the best part of £2000 for a non-fancy hotel. .

You often also save money as a couple because you can hang around together at home watching films, cooking, or other free/cheap activities. Dating costs money, as does going out with friends. Staying at home alone is very different to staying at home with a partner, as is going out for a nice long walk.

If I could just share my mortgage, bills, and food costs, without even getting into how much more expensive a single lifestyle generally is due to things like dating, I'd be about £800 better off every single month.

You can't compare £65K as half of a couple (or living with friends/family) and £65K for someone living alone.

Show quote history

My daughter is single and manages to live in London with a similar mortgage and 50k salary.
She does complain it’s hard financially as a single person and I sympathise with that, but she manages and this guy could too on 65k.