To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

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Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

We don't have a mortgage but there are 3 of us at home now ( me, dh and dd3) and ds is at university. We have about £1500 a month before bills and it is a bit of a struggle but we manage. Young adults nowadays seem to thing a lot if extras are essentials these days eg coffee at Costs, fancy mobile etc

He can’t manage on 65k?! Then he needs to budget, he’s either frittering money away, has debts you don’t know about or just generally behaving like an entitled brat! Even in london this leaves a decent amount to live on. Can’t afford to eat out? Then he doesn’t! I’d be furious if my son behaved this way. No more money except for bday/Xmas etc you have already given him much more that lots of kids get!

The hotel in NYC is an EXAMPLE!!!!

It doesn't matter what the actual cost is, the point is that whatever a person in a couple budgets for a holiday, it's always double for the single person, and that's on top of the single person already paying close to double what the single person pays for basic survival (rent/mortgage, bills, food).

So the single person only has half the disposable income that a coupled up person has to start with, and then out of that disposable income, they're ALSO spending double on things like holidays. Hotel rooms, taxis, everything a couple would only pay half of, they're paying it all.

It doesn't matter what the actual numbers are. Maybe the person is on £30K and the holiday is a budget break in Torremolinos - the point is the same, which is that being single is incredibly expensive.

If I earned 30K and my partner earned 30K, I'd be better off than I am currently earning £65K as a single person, because we'd each be paying much less tax, sharing costs, etc. You need to earn so much more as a single person to have the same lifestyle an average earner in a couple would have.

For the love of God, it's not that hard to understand.

He needs to learn how to budget. Offer to help him with that, but make it clear that he needs to live on his own income, not yours.

I haven't said once how hard done by I am. Not once. I've said repeatedly that it's very, very easy to spend 65K as a single person in London without drugs, gambling or hookers being involved (as people are STILL bringing those things up).

You're not interested in the reality though, are you? You just want to bully and mock. Go ahead, you're just making yourself look stupid.

For the love of God, learn how to use the quote function.

Your mentality is atrocious. If you really think that people who work full time, in stressful jobs they worked hard for years to attain, who have given up on things most people feel entitled to, like having kids, shouldn't be able to expect to go on holiday or buy the odd Starbucks, then honestly, God help you. There's no solving that level of pettiness and brainwashing.

The point is that other people have chosen to have kids, and in doing so, they've chosen to give up some material things in order to have a family. They come home and have the company of their kids. That's the reward for working hard. Single people with no kids don't have that. So what exactly is the point of working hard if you essentially have NOTHING? You think we should just work our arses off just to survive? No dates, no holidays, no meals out? Just work and work so we can fund everyone else's kids? And expecting anything else is "entitled"?

You are choosing your life.

You choose not to date in favour of saving money.

You choose not to go out.

Your posts are riven with bitterness about other people and their children and how unfair it is to be single.

Your choices.

And the only aspect of a holiday where a couple shares cost is the hotel room.

Every other cost is on a per person basis, flights, meals, entry tickets etc.

@LaydeeDi , no one expects you to do without all of those things you mention. Of course you should have them if you want them. What we are ALL telling you is that YOU CAN HAVE THOSE THINGS. Very easily. And still have money leftover each month for an emergency fund.

Your choices are entirely your own. It so odd that you believe yourself to be hard done by in life somehow because you choose to live this way. You have easily enough money to both save and spend each month on the thing you keep telling us that the world and your circumstances are denying you.

I suggest you give yourself a little “fun budget” every month and enjoy the money you work hard to earn. And enjoy the world-class city you’ve chosen to live in. It’s surely the only benefit of living in such a city. £150 each month to go out, have fun, socialise and do all the things that you keep listing you want to do.

Your savings and holidays will still be there, still be added to.

OP to give you some context, when I was single about 5 years ago, I earned £50k, paid into a pension but no loan. I had a £1.1k pm mortgage. My parents loaned me my deposit which I was paying them back at £500pm + mortgage, bills & had a healthy online shopping habit taking home just under £3k pm net.

If I wanted anything special for my flat I either saved for it or asked my parents for a contribution as a birthday or Christmas present. I certainly didn’t expect them to be my free decorating bankers. He’s taking the absolute piss.

OP, your son is taking the piss. Does he have a gambling/alcohol/drug addiction he hasn’t told you about?

I am of a similar age and our mortgage + loan (we had a difficult time in lockdown and lost money) is also around 1k. We live in the South East. Our combined salaries would equal 65k and we are planning to start a family. We manage to pay all the bills, have 2 cars (partner has to commute a lot so we spend a lot of money on petrol), eat well and have the occasional day out. I wish we had a little more to save up for holidays and a rainy day pot but this will be possible after we pay off the loan.

My parents will occasionally treat us to a meal or a coffee out but I would NEVER dream of asking them for money like your DS is. My parents worked hard to enjoy their retirement, not to pay my bills!

Cut him off and he’ll have to start living within his means. It sounds like the things he’s buying aren’t necessities.

I'm on around £55k and take home around £2900 after tax, student loans and pension. He should have at least £2000 left after paying his mortgage, perhaps more. I'd do what some others have suggested and sit down and go through his finances together.

There is a lot of tax and insurance to pay on a £65k wage, so he won’t be earning close to that amount(unless you mean after tax). He is an adult though and should be living within his means and providing for himself

I agree with an early poster...listen...he's telling you his tolerance level and it might not be the same as yours. Don't worry, but hear what he is saying.

@LaydeeDi Yes but with a lifelong committed partner comes kids. The 50/50 you are speaking of only would be for a few years.

Oh, so "only" the most expensive part of the whole thing then? If you're on a city break (which is why I mentioned NYC), the hotel room could easily be twice the cost of the flight. Same applies to most big European capitals. When I travel, the accommodation is usually at least 60% of the entire cost, if not more. Taxis also cost half if shared.

You're so hard done by.

And where am I saying otherwise!!?? I have not said a single time that I'm hard done by!!! I'm saying the money doesn't go as far as people think, especially if you're trying to be responsible and save in the first year after buying a flat/house!

We ALL make our choices. The people going "I wish I could afford a week in NYC!" could afford exactly that if they hadn't CHOSEN to have kids. If I had even one child, most of my disposable income would no longer be disposable. I'd be spending £800 a month or more on nursery fees alone.

Like, how do you not get this? Genuinely, it's not that hard.

Kids are obligatory now, are they? Nobody ever has a relationship or marriage without having kids? I've heard it all now.

@LaydeeDi No, but there aren't many childless couples who have been married for 20+ years. Also if you are struggling so much on your single 65k salary go find a partner then. You do realise those with kids had a life without kids so we know exactly what's it like to live on a large salary for one. It's not bad at all, unfortunately you are on the wrong site if you want sympathy. You need to try MillionairesNet.

I don't want sympathy. I'm saying it's perfectly possible for 65K not to go far in London for a single person without drugs or hookers being involved. It's a good salary, it's not a "how does anyone manage to spend all that money?" salary. As I've now said probably 30 times, even having a normal social life or buying reasonable things like clothes, my money would be gone. Nothing extravagant. One meal out a week, drinks after work on Friday, a new blazer for work, a Pret lunch 2-3 times a week (£5-7), a few takeaway coffees, maybe a day out with a hiking group at the weekend, and that's easily £200 gone. No savings, no holidays, no beauty treatments, just living a normal life without scrimping.

Anyone arguing that any of these things is extravagant for a single, working adult in London is honestly just not very smart or is being intentionally goady. I'm not saying they're essentials, I'm saying they're perfectly reasonable things to expect to spend money on if you're working hard and have sacrificed having a family. I expect to be spending money on these things once I've got savings together and have sorted out decorating my flat.

Anyone I know of who has a coke habit on top of having a normal London social life (and most people aren't sitting doing coke on their own) is earning well into six figures. Most single people I know on my salary have to watch their bank account quite carefully.

OP's son isn't being unreasonable to spend all his money, he's being unreasonable by asking his parents for help.

Has OP mentioned where her son is based? As you keep mentioning London but I may not have seen that.

Sorry to tell you but for the rest of the UK and probably the rest of the world think that what you have described is an extravagant lifestyle. If you are seeking more extravagance than that, you've got a lot of hard work ahead of you.

OP's son doesn't need to borrow money from her so he can have a pret coffee. He can make one at home or work like most people do.

I havnt read all the thread but am assuming your DS is a fully functional adult without any special needs either physical or mental. If so time to step back and make him stand on his own two feet. There is an old saying that "you have to be cruel to be kind."

I believe the modern equivalent is tough love.

If people think that you can’t have a drug habit with a salary of £65k you have no awareness or sense. I suggest you pay a visit to N17 and N9 (in London) and see people with little or no money hooked on drugs. To think you have to be loaded to use drugs is nonsense.

Yes, but, we seem to be going around in circles. £200 a week does not use up all of the disposable income of a 65k salary. Completely aside from whether or not that is reasonable spending. It just doesn't add up.