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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter has wrecked the walls

322 replies

whatthehell1e · 06/09/2023 17:46

8 year old daughter in a tantrum as I told her off for her behaviour yesterday (she painted the wardrobe in my room with her paints). I walked upstairs and she has sprayed her room, my room, hallway and her brother’s wall in baby oil. Whole brand new bottle. I have wiped it with towels but it’s not coming off. It looks like it has but after 5th attempt the wall dries but oil marks very visible. I’m really stressed. We cannot afford to decorate it all and it looks horrendous. I actually thought it was damp before I saw the empty oil bottle.

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 06/09/2023 19:06

Taking away the iPad for a week is not really a suitable consequence for her behaviour.

Selling the iPad to play for cleaning products perhaps?

If one of my (nearly) 8 year olds did this then they wouldn't see their tablet for at least a month as a starting point, then I'd be expecting them to carry out tasks to make amends and reflect on their poor choice of behaviour.

Are you spending sufficient 1 to 1 time with her? Rebellious acts like this can often be a demand for attention, but just going about it in the wrong way. You'll need to sit down and have a discussion about why she did it and what she felt she was going to achieve by doing it.

Catsarego · 06/09/2023 19:06

JMSA · 06/09/2023 18:03

I'm sorry but I would go fucking nuclear over this.

And me. I’d be fucking raging.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 06/09/2023 19:07

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orangeyeahthatsright · 06/09/2023 19:07

katepilar · 06/09/2023 18:50

I wouldnt do consequences with your daughter. She clearly has anger management issues and needs help, not punishment.

So how's she expected to learn consequences?

alwaysmovingforwards · 06/09/2023 19:07

whatthehell1e · 06/09/2023 17:52

What’s sugar soap?

also side note is this behaviour a sign of something?

www.diy.com/departments/b-q-concentrated-liquid-sugar-soap-0-5l/262272_BQ.prd

And I'd say the destructive behaviour is a sign anger or frustration that she doesn't know how to express any other way.

wordforword · 06/09/2023 19:08

When I was that age I was so furious with my mother that I, for my own very good reasons, took the pinking shears out the sewing basket, got all her American tan tights out the airing cupboard and cut the legs off them.

I hope something works on the walls.

She has been naughty but finding out her thought process is the most important thing.

DinnaeFashYersel · 06/09/2023 19:09

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I've had my living room carpet replaced twice for child related incidents. Different insurance companies over the years but I do check that these sort of things are covered.

Notjustabrunette · 06/09/2023 19:09

having worked on retail websites, I would imagine in this case the wrong information has been attributed to this product. It’s actually a pretty mild cleaner.

itsgettingweird · 06/09/2023 19:09

You can buy sugar soap spray from Homebase.

Spray on walls, wipe over and rinse with warm damp cloth.

Spambod · 06/09/2023 19:13

This behaviour is common in traumatised children. Look up smearing and trauma. Sorry op.

Ozziedream · 06/09/2023 19:16

Depends if your house insurance covers accidental (read: child) damage. For our house it was an add on for another £250 or so, so a lot of people won’t have this cover. Do check. It’s not standard but you may have selected it.

Having seen my sister destroy our family carpet with an ice lolly and then see how happy my mum was when the insurance covered new carpet I always go for the additional cover. Funny how some memories stay with you!

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 06/09/2023 19:17

DinnaeFashYersel · 06/09/2023 19:09

I've had my living room carpet replaced twice for child related incidents. Different insurance companies over the years but I do check that these sort of things are covered.

Accidental damage is an extra and an expensive one too, particularly if you claim.

speakout · 06/09/2023 19:20

Spambod · 06/09/2023 19:13

This behaviour is common in traumatised children. Look up smearing and trauma. Sorry op.

I agree.

I wouldn't be even angry. I would be deeply concerned.

These are not the acts of a happy child.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 06/09/2023 19:21

I'd be redecorating and knocking the money off her Christmas presents......natural consequences and all that.

ZoeCM · 06/09/2023 19:21

Is it wrong that my first thought was "Did she use boughs of holly?"

Carpediemmakeitcount · 06/09/2023 19:22

I would sleep with one eye open from now onwards.

Sdpbody · 06/09/2023 19:22

This is not normal for an 8 year old. I would be concerned if my 5 year old did this, but this is very worrying.

I think you need to speak to school.

MargaretThursday · 06/09/2023 19:23

Is this a "normal" behaviour for her or out of character?

If it's "normal", even at the extreme end of it for her then it's different than a one off.

I remember my normally very totally rational dd a little older than that screaming that she'd rather throw herself out of the moving car on the motorway than go to Dover castle. I don't think she knew anything about Dover castle but for some reason that day decided she didn't want to go. I asked her (now an adult) fairly recently what was actually going on that day and she didn't remember it at all (so obviously wasn't that traumatic), and thought it was quite funny.
So sometimes they can do something totally stupid without it being a sign of anything further. Nor did dd ever do that, or similar, again so it wasn't a sign of anything more sinister.

I'd also think that it was probably a case of the baby oil being to hand, rather satisfying to spray it and not knowing (and not really thinking about it) that it would do that much damage. My sister once emptied a toothpaste tube in similar circumstances. Luckily for her it was on the bathroom floor so cleaned up fairly well, but in the mood she was in when she did it, she wouldn't have thought about that.
Even the wardrobe: was that naughty or did she think she was doing a treat for you? Yes, she should know that she shouldn't paint it without checking with you, but I can remember as a child occasionally doing something I thought my parents were going to be absolutely thrilled with my helpfulness and finding actually they weren't too pleased.

I'd agree she needs a consequence. I'd go for the cleaning the wall. Depending on her reaction, possibly with you helping. If she has to clean the wall at a time which otherwise she would be doing something she likes, that's even better. Sugar soap will be fine for her to use as long as she doesn't spray it into her eyes or drink it.

If she refuses to clean then I'd be selling the iPad to pay for decorating things.

When she's calm have a chat to her about the consequences of such things. Pointing out that although she did it without thinking, the oil has made it far worse.

If it is a "normal" reaction to her, then check there isn't anything going on at school. She's just gone back, could it be a reaction to that? How was she over the summer holidays? I never realised how much stress ds (ASD) was under at school until lockdown. When the stress of school was removed he was so much more chilled about everything.
But also talk to the GP/school. Say you're concerned about her behaviour and take it from there.

femfemlicious · 06/09/2023 19:24

You should have made her at least attempt to clean it up

LondonLass91 · 06/09/2023 19:26

Spinet · 06/09/2023 18:01

I should say I wouldn't be starting with consequences/ punishments

I agree with this - don't start with punishments or consequences, start by having a talk and finding out what's really wrong. When I was about that age I used to self harm, it sounds like a similar level of rage and anger to how I used to feel, so I think I would actually start by giving her a quiet talk and finding out why she was that angry. I wish my mum and dad had. Anyway you'll be pleased to know that even though I was full of revenge rage as a child, I'm not perfectly normal. Honest xx

Zimunya · 06/09/2023 19:26

Nicnak2223 · 06/09/2023 17:59

Maybe get her to help you clean the walls, don't give her consequences tomorrow

Yes, this. A very clear lesson that actions have consequences.

Alargeoneplease89 · 06/09/2023 19:28

Sale her ipad and redecorate

HoneyPotts · 06/09/2023 19:29

Could you tell her she is getting a hug for the next 3 Christmases and spend the money on redecorating?

YukoandHiro · 06/09/2023 19:29

Septemberdaysarehere · 06/09/2023 18:12

Why the hell does any 8 year old need an iPad - never mind taking it away - there’s problem 1, there.

For a start some schools set home work on it.

usererror99 · 06/09/2023 19:30

Why does everyone automatically jump to the conclusion she has suffered some kind of trauma or is ND....she could just be a brat!