Daughter has wrecked the walls

[whatthehell1e]

8 year old daughter in a tantrum as I told her off for her behaviour yesterday (she painted the wardrobe in my room with her paints). I walked upstairs and she has sprayed her room, my room, hallway and her brother’s wall in baby oil. Whole brand new bottle. I have wiped it with towels but it’s not coming off. It looks like it has but after 5th attempt the wall dries but oil marks very visible. I’m really stressed. We cannot afford to decorate it all and it looks horrendous. I actually thought it was damp before I saw the empty oil bottle.

It’s not normal behaviour and you sound like you’re really struggling. I don’t know many (neurotypical) children who would behave like this unless there was something else going on with them. Try contacting the home school link worker if your school has one. It would be good support for you and they could arrange for your daughter to have some ELSA at school to help her with her anger issues and impulsivity. They might also be able to signpost you to a parenting course to help you learn some techniques better suited to her.

The most upsetting thing was my 4 year old son was talking to her and telling her she shouldn’t have done it, he was being so gentle and wise with her. She kept lying and saying he’s the one who did it, he didn’t as he was downstairs with me and only she went upstairs. She does this a lot, she blames things on him and in the beginning I used to believe her but over time I’ve seen with my own eyes how quickly she makes up lies. She does lie a lot and it’s very scary as she actually believes the lies or at least knows it’s lies but is very convincing.

Even the oil spillage she finally admitted it was her she told me she did it as she was angry with me. Just one memory popped into my head: when she was younger she would just randomly start crying and people would naturally ask her what’s wrong and she would always say I was being nasty to her, once she told me before crying that she’s going to get me in trouble by crying! I didn’t really think much of it at that time but there’s lots of examples of weird behaviours I kind of brushed aside. Just for context nothing would happen before this incident, we would actually be having a lovely day but for some reason she would just turn on me.

I am with their father but he works a lot and isn’t really around. Even the oil on wall today he saw it and blamed me for not watching or stopping her. She got no telling off. Just before bedtime today I explained to her we won’t be going on holiday again this year as we might have to spend a lot of money getting someone to come in and redecorate the walls. He was just standing there listening and not getting involved.

Sounds awful. Definite pocket money deductions to pay for the damage imho

It's a sign that she's a disrespectful little brat. Sell the ipad, buy cleaning products and make her use them. Make sure she never forgets what a big mistake this was.

When she misbehaves and is naughty how do you discipline her normally? Does your husband back you up?

Naughty step now and things taken off her. As this is anonymous I’ll be honest I have on occasions (very rarely) just lost it and shouted at her. If I’m being honest the shouting worked. My husband doesn’t back me up and often tells me I’m too soft on both of the kids. To be fair youngest doesn’t do much to get told off but he sits on the naughty step and apologises to me when time is up but my daughter shows a lot of attitude like even saying “sorry” it’s said in an aggressive shouty tone which results in her back in stairs till she calms down.

I think you need to go ballistic.

This was premeditated and vengeful and very destructive, and I don't think you're going to get the oil out, sorry to say.

Don't make her help clean it. She may cause even more damage by half arsed wiping. No more pocket money, cancel all afternoon activities, no more going to parties, confiscate the iPad for the foreseeable.

Absolutely agree with this. She is far to old for this and that she planned her revenge. If you don't rein in this behavior now what happens when she's a teen

I’ve just been reading about ND and autism in 8 year old girls and one thing that struck me straight away was: want other children to play by their rules and get upset if their rules aren’t followed

this afternoon both of them playing in garden and she starts throwing her scooter as little brother isn’t following her rules. This was another reason she was told off today I completely forgot as this happens everytime they play together. I struggle to think of one time she’s played nicely with him.

School won’t be helpful. I only spoke to them a handful of times over the years and response was “yes she does act very young for her age” but justified it as she’s summer born. She has a new teacher this year who is also quite senior in the school - shall I raise it? What kind of things should I say? I always feel they must think I’m being over anxious the times I’ve mentioned anything.

Elbow grease yellow spray bottle - poundland usually stock it

White wine or white wine vinegar gets oil off walls. Sponge it on. Leave overnight then water next day.

Washing up liquid is good on anything oily though may take more than one scrub. Degreaser (lidl sell a cheap own brand is good) and wd40 if alm else fails but not sure whether it will ruin what's underneath so spot test first.

Top tip for anyone needing to get of oil on extractor fans etc - wd40!

If DD is autistic or even has ADHD, she may mask hard at school, so the teachers won't see it.

The vengeful retaliation isn't typical of either though.

A friend of mine has just gone through this with her boy. The school asked her to write down observations of his behaviour at home that stood out to her as possible signs of autism. I would do the same here with the scooter incident you mentioned, plus how she doesn’t understand when she is in the wrong and never seems genuinely sorry when she says sorry after being on naughty step.

Whether your girl is autistic or not, I don’t think any 8 year old could possibly have known the damage that baby oil could do. For that reason, I agree with the advice that said think of it as if she had sprayed water on the walls. She might have been afraid to admit it once she realised it wasn’t drying up and that’s why she lied about doing it. I wonder about the original reason for the tantrum too, was painting your wardrobe a surprise? Did she think you’d like it? Ask her.

You have taken her iPad away which indicates it is a favourite activity of hers. For many autistic children, iPads are how they can calm themselves and regulate emotions, so they are often a favourite as they feel safe when they are quietly playing on them. Observe and see if her behaviour is better or worse without the iPad. If worse, that’s another thing to mention to the school.

Her acting young for her age is another clue to possible autism.

If after you read all about autism in girls and jot down observations and you think that it is a possibility - you don’t need to wait for a diagnosis to start using parenting techniques for autistic girls. They are completely different and often the opposite of what works on regular children.

For the parents saying they would go nuclear/be incandescent over this (not saying that you shouldn’t be) - what does that look like?

Worked for him. He was a similar age to OP’s daughter and got the shock of his life. Lots of tears but then apologised. No more trashing other people’s stuff.

Sugar soap may do it but rubber gloves are essential.

That's a horrible situation, OP. I get really unsettled by damage to my home - it's not a trivial thing. Hope you manage to sort it out.

As for your daughter, I have no expertise to say whether she's just extremely badly behaved or has some kind of ND issue. My daughter (now an adult) was difficult but not like this - and she got herself tested as an adult with the result that she has slight Aspergers. One thing in common with your daughter is that she didn't show remorse (just couldn't manage to say sorry, or show she meant it). But she wasn't ever particularly naughty in this way.

A friend's daughter once took all her mother's childhood treasures - those Beatrix Potter ceramic figures - about 10 of them - and dropped them one by one (quite cool-ly - not in a rage) out of the bedroom window on to the patio. I think it's this kind of order of behaviour you are describing - not the usual day-to-day naughtiness of an 8 year old. I would definitely seek advice and assessment for her.

(Incidentally - the figurine-smashing girl went on to have a very successful career and life, but is still a force to be reckoned with.....😳)

An eight year old behaving like this is concerning to me because it's deliberate and thought out. She needs to learn who is boss

Start with the GP if school won't be helpful. Write down all your concerns and ask them to refer you for assessment. You need school to be involved in this process but if they won't listen to you a GP's referral will help. I'm not going to diagnose online (or at all as I'm not a professional!) but brilliant behaviour at school and crashing at home is a classic pattern for girls with ASD.

Your husband has to be on the same page as you she knows she will get away with it and blame you. She knows if she messes about you will get blamed. My partner went away a couple of weeks ago and my 8 year old son said to me there is no rules for him to follow while he is away. He does back me up and I back him up when our children are bad and it does make a difference. I was always the soft one but I have learnt to be harder and my partner does support me and all I get now is a little attitude from my 17 year old daughter she walks off with the ump.

You have to get your partner on board or it won't work.

Try sugar soap