Daughter has wrecked the walls

[whatthehell1e]

8 year old daughter in a tantrum as I told her off for her behaviour yesterday (she painted the wardrobe in my room with her paints). I walked upstairs and she has sprayed her room, my room, hallway and her brother’s wall in baby oil. Whole brand new bottle. I have wiped it with towels but it’s not coming off. It looks like it has but after 5th attempt the wall dries but oil marks very visible. I’m really stressed. We cannot afford to decorate it all and it looks horrendous. I actually thought it was damp before I saw the empty oil bottle.

The state isn't interested in individuals though. The state is about the system of people and how they work together. Prison may supposedly function as a deterrent and punishment but it's not about individual development (and I'm not saying it should be). The police are supposed to keep society functioning. The parent's job is to make sure their individual kid grows up able to function in society.

I don't think you'd can't get angry with kids and telling them off is perfectly fine but if you don't also work out what is causing them to behave in ways you don't want them to you are not teaching them anything fundamental about themselves or about how to live in society. I will validate their feelings whatever they are, but I'm also going to try to teach them how to recognise those feelings and manage them in a way that isn't violent or transgressive as you put it. Punishment without all that seems pointless to me.

Yes I agree with you.

The reason why I don't go about committing violence is because I know it's wrong.

I'm frightened by your confession that the only reason why you don't is because you fear the consequences. It implies that you would batter people if you thought that you could get away with it. Is this reasoning usual for non-autistic people?

I'm also appalled that you think that it's OK to intimidate a child into compliance. The term I use to describe my primary teachers who used that tactic is "abusive".

Prisons are a deterrent only for the small proportion of people who are broken enough that they don't want do the right thing because it's right, but aren't so broken that even fear won't keep them in line. That our prisons are overcrowded is compelling evidence that there are plenty of people who are not deterred by the criminal justice system.

Understanding and managing one's own emotions is key for helping those like me who want to do the right thing but struggle with being emotionally and sensorily overwhelmed. This includes some autistic people and some people with ADHD, as well as people with BPD.

Too many people don’t want to enforce boundaries with their children via discipline and it is very clear from mumsnet that these people think they are doing a good job!

Or we just bring our kids up to be well behaved, pleasant and responsible without shouting and throwing out ‘punishments’ 🤷‍♀️

Hope so! Let’s see how the kids fare.

Mines great thanks 👍

any update ?

@Katbum

Well said.

@Hawkins0009 i tried every suggestion on this forum but sadly nothing worked. I managed to paint the walls myself and surprised myself how easy it was. The stain hasn’t seeped through yet so all is good. Except one wall which I didn’t have can of paint in the garage so no idea what colour it is. DD is still the sane I’m trying really hard with her. Spoken to DR again.

thank you for the update, all the best and positivity

Fingers crossed that does the trick but if the oil does seep through, I echo PPs who suggested the Zinsser primer (the shellac one in the red tin, not the blue one).

My house had decades of nicotine build-up when I moved in and no amount of scrubbing or painting worked; I even had the living room professionally re-plastered and patches of nicotine seeped through that. Just when I was ready to give up, a decorator friend suggested the above and it's an absolute revelation. I didn't expect much when I opened the tin because it's so thin and watery but two coats of that and my ceilings have stayed brilliant white. I don't know who Zinsser is but I could kiss them

You really need to lock away things you don't want your kids to be playing with.
How do you ensure they don't play with toxic household items?

The child is 8 years old not 8 months.

WTF?!
Dnes 8 years old not a toddler.🤦

An 8 months old wouldn't have done it.

An 8 year old, specially if bored, will still want to experiment with whatever is at hand.

Not the kid's fault, if sprays, paints or other toxic items are accessible to them.

Did you bother to read the opening post?

The 8 year had not drunk or eating anything.

The 8 year old was not bored.

The 8 year was not doing an experiment with whatever was at hand.

The 8 year decided to use a common household item to create work for her mother and caused damage to the walls in the process.

If you spend a little time reading the opening post you give yourself a small opening to think about what the OP actually spent typing and reply to it.

Yeah whatever

@pphammer

its ok for a parent to be annoyed with their child when their child has done something wrong you know!!

I'd be very worried about this behaviour. It is not normal.

Is the iPad new enough to be worth selling? If so I would sell it and put the proceeds towards the cost of fixing this, and then put in place regular chores for her to do to "earn" enough pocket money to pay for the rest. And her room would be the last space to be redecorated.

I think I would be less concerned about the walls and more concerned by what has driven a child to feel the need to act out like this.