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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving our home in a mess

266 replies

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:27

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

OP posts:
TimetoPour · 06/09/2023 21:01

I would be furious OP and would not have been able to keep my temper. You have two options if you want to keep the peace:

Hi,
We had a lovely time thanks but not sure we would do a swap again. The kids were upset that some of their toys were broken and I need another holiday after the clear up! If you do visit and stay somewhere else locally, let us know and we will arrange to meet up.

or

Hi,
We had a lovely time thanks and would love to do it again. It was hard work coming home to the clear up though. Would you be happy to sort out an end of holiday cleaner next time?

feralunderclass · 06/09/2023 21:04

The OP is making out that the place was left a complete pigsty, but I'd love to see pictures of the "food everywhere".
A friend of mine asked me to swap with her as she had a family wedding on, and wanted three weeks. Great I thought, free accommodation. I cleaned house top to bottom for them coming, changed all bedding, stocked up on toilet roll and other necessities.
Got to her house, house was generally tidy but no toilet roll, mice were in cupboards, garden was a complete mess with bin bags, rubbish all over the ground etc. Not ideal, but free accommodation I thought. Their house was gas and electric meter, it was on emergency credit and they insisted that a dehumidifier had to be kept on in the basement all of the time, which was expensive.
At end of stay I washed and ironed all bedding, had cleaned kitchen cupboards from spilled grains etc which were attracting mice and threw away all rubbish in the garden.
Got back to my house to find every single towel I owned in the washing machine, my Joe Malone candles (for display only) had all been burned, garden was a mess and bed sheets not only were not washed, but were stained. Smoke alarm covers had all been taken off and furniture moved around. No money left for our gas or electric. I was a bit taken back, but not worth falling out over.
A few days later the husband sent a very nasty text to say our house had been completely filthy and they would never stay in our house again. I forwarded the text to his wife, who was completely mortified but didn't really object. The mug that I am kept apologising 🤔🤔🤔 but her DH and mine haven't spoken since. He needed free accommodation once for a few days and texted my DH to say he would consider staying with us. Unsurprisingly, my DH never responded.

katepilar · 06/09/2023 21:06

A cleaner really wouldnt fix the issue for me. Cleaner can clean but what happens to the damaged furniture and toys. I wouldnt want to repeat this at all. Not sure what I would say though, I find situations like this tricky.

backoffbuster · 06/09/2023 21:08

I think I’d say something jokey like -

that would be great, but maybe you should bring your maid with you this time! Sadly I’ve not got one to tidy up the mess!! 😝

diddl · 06/09/2023 21:09

They are currently in Dubai?

So did neither of them clean/tidy/look after kids before then?

If not-why did it not even occur to them to have the place cleaned/tidied for you?

That's a friendship I'd happily drop tbh.

Fluffypuppy1 · 06/09/2023 21:10

This.

If you do a house swap again next year you’ll just be stressing out the whole time about what damage is being done to your house and belongings.

Mamagill67 · 06/09/2023 21:10

AuntMarch that made me spit my tea out 😂😂

Perfectlyfinethankyou · 06/09/2023 21:11

i think you are feeling cross and aggrieved, I probably would too . They sound selfish and disrespectful , having a cleaner / cook / nanny doesn’t need to turn you into a , selfish person
You can leave it and think about the swap next year and still feel pissed off
Ask your husband to clean up their mess
Say something

Smittenkitchen · 06/09/2023 21:14

I don't think I'd bother mentioning it if you want to keep a very positive relationship. I just wouldn't have them to stay again. You could address it if pushed for an explanation. I don't think it's worth doing it again which is a real shame as it sounds like you really enjoyed your stay in Spain. It's another level than untidiness if things are getting broken and stained, you're putting your home and belongings at risk to an extent, as they don't seem to respect them.

Tiredchicken · 06/09/2023 21:25

Just for those saying OP is exaggerating about staff for expats. I know two couples who live in that area of the world…
one in particular I know have « sponsored » people for visas-they have a full time housekeeper, a full time driver as well as a nanny.
the other couple I know are seen as odd in their gated community as they don’t have staff… all the other mums my friend knows have a housekeeper and a full time nanny (I don’t know about drivers)…
so totally feasible for the couple in question to have this level of staff! 🤷‍♀️
it’s a very different life style..
Leading between the lines your friend might have had a very stressful week having to deal with her family without staff!

BUT even if she did think a cleaner would be coming in to sort things… big IF!
if you break something it’ would be common decency to text a friend and say I’m so sorry this got broken-where’s it from and I’ll buy a replacement…
or I’m so sorry we got paint on your sofa can I pay to have it cleaned…with a grovelling apology and some flowers or wine left by way of apology.
the fact that she just left it without even consideration for you is awful and particularly for the kids. I would reply and say we had a fantastic time but it was upsetting to come back to house and mess.

ASDMumof2 · 06/09/2023 21:28

No repeats.

What I really want to know is why haven't you already called her out?

It doesn't have to be angsty, just really disappointed how they left your place when you left theirs spotless. Sorry this means we can't do a house swap again.

Inertia · 06/09/2023 21:46

If you really can't be honest, I would just tell her that you won't be doing house swaps again as you've been stung by people leaving your house damaged and dirty.

Olika · 06/09/2023 22:02

AuntMarch · 05/09/2023 21:30

"No, we won't be repeating this next year. It was quite unpleasant coming home to such a mess. You not even acknowledging the fact makes it clear you are a bit of a selfish cunt"

I'd struggle to be interested in a friendship with someone who made it so blatantly obvious they had no respect for me.

This

PollyThePixie · 07/09/2023 04:32

user1477391263 · 06/09/2023 15:28

https://www.bayt.com/en/uae/jobs/chauffeur-driver-jobs-in-dubai/. Google suggests that the term “Chauffeur” is used in Dubai and includes cases where someone is employed privately by a household (as to three domestic workers being employed in one family, I can’t comment on that).

Show quote history

Chauffer may be the term used in some of the adds but more people would use Driver.

PollyThePixie · 07/09/2023 04:39

so totally feasible for the couple in question to have this level of staff! 🤷‍♀️
it’s a very different life style

I’ve lived the life for more than 40 years as a local family and I’m telling you that your friends don’t have 3 full time staff members. And that expat homes where even 2 staff members are employed full time, let alone legally employed are very thin on the ground. For sure it’s not just the OP over egging the pudding.

PollyThePixie · 07/09/2023 04:59

This thread is a perfect example of an OP lighting the touch paper then standing well clear and having a good laugh whilst posters give an imaginary spoilt brat family a kicking. Not that the husband seems to have received much if any flack. Instead, it was all saved for the idle friend and her spoilt brat children. People really do need to give themselves a shake.

user1477391263 · 07/09/2023 06:02

PollyThePixie · 06/09/2023 19:37

I have a friend in Dubai who previously toyed with the idea of staying out long-term and raising her young kids there, but is having second thoughts because she’s a bit worried about the effects of kids being raised in a sort of weird privileged “bubble” where domestic help is always bustling around doing all the objectionable stuff for you

The average expat would be hard pressed to have one staff member working for them at home legally let alone have enough to bustle around doing all the objectionable stuff for them

In reality most of them probably have someone come in a few hours a day to clean and perhaps babysit when needed with only the minority being able to or wanting to sponsor a full time staff member because of the costs and responsibilities involved. The majority would much rather prefer to employ someone illegally in order to keep costs down.

Any weird privileged bubble a child may live in would be one created by the parents and the child would live in that bubble regardless of where they were brought up because of the parents they have.

Here’s a wee rundown of what help most expat families have by way of help at home - a part time lady who will clean a couple of hours a day and maybe make a meal as well as perhaps babysit when needed.

A male employee referred to as the gardener who may work for a service company that has the contract to care for the gardens in villa compounds. Taking care of the garden means sweeping up a bit and watering the plants. He may also get something extra to come back later and wash the cars. That’s if he’s lucky as it’s one of the jobs undocumented workers do in order to survive.

A chauffer - that’s where the Op over-egged the pudding. In reality most expats use Uber when they don’t want to drive.

I don't know about the average person in Dubai, but my friend absolutely does have a live-in domestic staff member, unless she's a liar - she told me this and I did specifically ask if her maid was live-in or not. In the case of my friend, it was not the case that her family would have had the same lifestyle elsewhere; she lived in Japan and in the UK previously and did not have domestic workers in either country. I am merely reporting what she has told me.

Original poster
Holdinguptherock · 07/09/2023 11:10

Thanks for all the responses. They were useful as they helped me clarify what was the main issue here. It wasn’t the dirt /food etc. It was the damage done to the furniture and toys.
This was my first post on mumsnet and I am not 100% sure of the protocol of responding but here is the update.
I did have a chat to my friend (kept it light hearted), but explained about the damage that was done to the furniture (with the stickers and paint) and the broken toys (a Barbie car and part of a wooden magic set). She was initially defensive, but admitted that she hadn’t noticed anything was amiss and the children hadn’t told her. She also told me that the day before the left her parents had been babysitting while her and her husband went out and she wondered if the damage had occurred then. She offered to replace the broken items.
interestingly, I was talking to my sister about this. She is good friends with my close friend’s younger sister. She had previously told her that the boys had caused a lot of chaos when they stayed at her place in Nottingham last year. Apparently, she suspects one of them might have ADHD.

Some people questioned whether the family had so much help in Dubai. They do! They have a nanny, the housekeeper lives out and is part time. The driver I think is provided by the husband’s work and does not live in. My friend works as well (own business), so does need help with the kids as no family close by.

Ultimately, thanks for the advice and I think (hope) IF we decide to exchange again she will supervise her kids better next time.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 07/09/2023 11:47

She was defensive? I would be looking for apologetic. Did she say sorry at all?

She sounds like a totally self-absorbed CF.

Newestname002 · 07/09/2023 11:47

Good that you've discussed this with your friend, @Holdinguptherock. I think in your place this would have continued to rankle with me that my friend disrespected my home - hopefully if you do exchange again more care will be shown by them.

Incidentally, for my own curiosity,
Does your home insurance require you to declare if other people are staying in your home in your absence? 🌹

MzHz · 07/09/2023 12:17

Not a chance that she’ll be better at supervising @Holdinguptherock

she doesn’t care!

Cowlover89 · 07/09/2023 12:19

I wouldn't allow it. They obviously don't respect you

Whatthehell1977 · 07/09/2023 12:28

I don't think that it comes down to whether it will forfeit any chances of free holiday accommodation for yourselves in the future.
She is supposed to be your friend. What kind of friend does that to their friend's house? It's disrespectful and rude, not to mention setting a bad example to their children. She is obviously used to the luxury of her lifestyle in Dubai, but she's an adult and you should talk to her about it. If you're such good friends as you say you are, then you should be able to talk to her about it. If she's a true friend then she shouldn't fall out with you about it. Just because she doesn't like criticism, doesn't mean she should be sheltered from you saying anything. If you don't say anything this will probably eat away at you. Just say you were quite shocked at how your house was left when you got back and ask her why that was so. See what she has to say for herself first and go from there. If she tries to dismiss it then that tells you a lot about how she sees the friendship.

user1477391263 · 07/09/2023 13:20

It still sounds like she was awfully careless. I stayed at a friend’s empty house recently, and we were all really careful about checking the whole house right over before we locked the door. It’s just courtesy, not least because the owner and their family will probably be exhausted after their own travel home when they open that front door; it’s horrible to be confronted with dirt and mess at such a time. A considerate friend thinks about this and checks the place carefully before locking up.

LinaLouLa · 07/09/2023 14:28

Why are you even considering doing this again? They showed a lack of care/respect in your property and didn't even worry about leaving it in a mess. I wouldn't be entertaining this again, especially as she still didn't really take responsibility when you raised it with her.

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