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Original poster

Leaving our home in a mess

266 replies

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:27

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2023 22:03

No, we won't be repeating this next year. It was quite unpleasant coming home to such a mess.

^^
This is surely what you say?

It’s quite incredible she thinks the way they left it was ok.

Or if not, if you can’t bring yourself to say why, at least say “no” without a reason

User562377 · 05/09/2023 22:05

Did you take photos of the mess they had left? If so I'd be sending those and saying I would not be repeating the swap.

She's sensitive to criticism? No wonder, she'll get plenty of it if that's how she behaves.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2023 22:06

It would depend on how much was saved by using her flat. Children get less messy as they grow so if you could hint at them cleaning up after themselves over the next twelve months, I wouldn't burn bridges.

Itwasntmeguv · 05/09/2023 22:10

Royalbloo · 05/09/2023 21:51

So say, "thanks; it was lovely but I'm not sure it's what we want to do again"

This. As it will likely be met with "Oh? Why not?"from your friend, and wham - there's your cue (and you didn't have to bring the subject up out of context).

solvendie · 05/09/2023 22:12

I would just be very candid ……’Absolutely let’s do it again next year - we had a fabulous time. Although, with you being so busy with the children while you were staying, you would need to arrange a cleaner as I see you didn’t have time to do it while you were here!’

Womencanlift · 05/09/2023 22:18

It’s funny how CFs always are sensitive to criticism isn’t it? It’s how they continue to be CFs

OP get a backbone and tell your friend you are unhappy. The message a pp wrote above is perfect. She obviously doesn’t respect you or your home so don’t know why you are considering her feelings

Fluffypuppy1 · 05/09/2023 22:27

It might just about be worth doing again next year if you swap your home for their Dubai one complete with the chauffeur and housekeeper/cook. But a flat in Spain? No way. Definitely not worth all of that damage to your house and furniture.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2023 22:33

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:47

I don’t think she would take it very well. She is quite sensitive to any form of criticism in the past. Saying this she has been a supportive friend for many years and it would be a shame to fall out over this.
I think I will have to find a way of indirectly mentioning it. Maybe I could suggest THEY pay for a cleaner after they leave.
I could also cover all the chairs in plastic and hide all the toys.😀

So what if she doesn't take it very well?

What kind of 'friend' disrespects someone's house like that?

I will never understand why people on the receiving end of such treatment refuse to say anything?

GrumpyPanda · 05/09/2023 22:39

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2023 21:39

I'm not sure I agree with the responses above.

Think first about what you get out of this, and whether it's worth cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Yes, of course they were shit heads and massively disrespectful to leave your house like that.

But. You get free accommodation in Spain or Dubai in return for it.

I think it might be worth sucking it up and hiring a decent cleaner. Much cheaper than accommodation.

Maybe you, or the other pp who have argued similar, don't realize, but homesharing is a really well established practice these days. There's any number of schemes you can join, all of them with extensive peer to peer review systems, and with a huge number of destinations on offer beyond just somewhere-in-Spain or Dubai.

If this type of free holiday appeals to OP - and good for her if it does- any of these options would make more sense for her than a "friend" she already knows for a fact to be unreliable.

https://www.theguardian.com/travel/2015/dec/07/10-best-home-swap-home-sharing-websites

10 of the best home-swap and home-sharing websites

There are lots of informal accommodation websites out there. We pick the most comprehensive and most trusted

https://www.theguardian.com/travel/2015/dec/07/10-best-home-swap-home-sharing-websites

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2023 22:44

Thank you @GrumpyPanda . I've never really thought about doing this, but actually it's a no brainer really. Thank you for the link. Anyone on here from the Maldives fancy a swap next summer?

FlamingoQueen · 05/09/2023 22:56

Perhaps she treats houses like this because she can’t take criticism and no-one has ever said to her that it’s not on.
I would never let this person live in my home again and I would say to her that you were shocked to come home to such a mess and it spoilt the lovely holiday you had in Spain. She needs to know.

If she was a proper friend she would have respect for your home and belongings.

RampantIvy · 05/09/2023 22:57

GodDammitCecil · 05/09/2023 21:36

I would just say something simple, truthful and to the point, like - ‘thanks, we had such a lovely time at your place! We’d love to do it again, but the clean-up job we can back to at our place was too much, so we think the house swap will just be a one-off. I hope your journey home was good!’

Or something along those lines.

This ^^ shouldn't offend.

Pip1402 · 05/09/2023 23:05

I do agree with pp that this is terrible behaviour. Trying to play devils advocate though - does she know you don't have a cleaner/staff if that's what she's used to? Could it be that she assumed you'd have somebody coming round to sort it out for you anyway? Clutches at straws

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2023 23:06

No, we won't be repeating this next year. It was quite unpleasant coming home to such a mess

This ^^ and if she "gets upset" she's really not the "friend" you think she is

I've home exchanged for decades - over 60 so far - and behaviour like this is so unacceptable as to be off the scale. Fortunately it's never happened to me, though it has to friends (coincidentally also with a Spanish family) but if it did I'd have no hesitation at all in saying something

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2023 23:09

Trying to play devils advocate though - does she know you don't have a cleaner/staff if that's what she's used to?

Even if she did, that would hardly explain breakages left around and paint on the furniture

That's noy "expecting someone else to clear up"; it's downright disrespect

readbooksdrinktea · 05/09/2023 23:14

What kind of friend treats your home like this? She doesn't give a shit, and you're worried about hurting her feelings. Come on now.

junbean · 05/09/2023 23:15

I couldn’t do it, and I’d have to confront her over the mess. There’s no excuse for it. It’s not just the mess itself but the disrespect I couldn’t get over. I feel sorry for her staff, as this kind of behavior is disrespectful to them as well.

Jl2014 · 05/09/2023 23:17

i would tell her no and because she’d left my house in a shit tip.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/09/2023 23:24

Sure but leave her flat in the same state you were left with last time and see if she cottons on.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 05/09/2023 23:27

Yea, but on condition you leave it as you found it. We'll do the same, then nobody has to worry about cleaning up when they arrive home.

DaughterNo2 · 05/09/2023 23:32

AuntMarch · 05/09/2023 21:30

"No, we won't be repeating this next year. It was quite unpleasant coming home to such a mess. You not even acknowledging the fact makes it clear you are a bit of a selfish cunt"

I'd struggle to be interested in a friendship with someone who made it so blatantly obvious they had no respect for me.

This to be honest! How rude

TheUsualChaos · 05/09/2023 23:33

As a PP has said, I wondered if they just assume you have a cleaner that would have all been sorted for you before you got home? Though that doesn't excuse the complete lack of respect for your home that they have shown. It's not just the mess. Broken toys etc and not a word about it? I'd struggle to see her as a friend in the same way.

SheSaidHummingbird · 05/09/2023 23:36

@Holdinguptherock "She is quite sensitive to any form of criticism in the past"

🙄

Now I understand how so many CFs make it to adulthood.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/09/2023 23:38

Could you swap for dubai instead? And you don't do any clear up at all? (You'll feel guilty but the help there is paid)

Or say to her you'd love to but please could they either do a house clean at the end (detail eg strip beds empty bin replace anything broken) of cover a cleaner to do a turnaround

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/09/2023 23:39

TheUsualChaos · 05/09/2023 23:33

As a PP has said, I wondered if they just assume you have a cleaner that would have all been sorted for you before you got home? Though that doesn't excuse the complete lack of respect for your home that they have shown. It's not just the mess. Broken toys etc and not a word about it? I'd struggle to see her as a friend in the same way.

The ex Pat life can turn the sweetest people into brats

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