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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving our home in a mess

266 replies

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:27

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Taketurn · 06/09/2023 10:17

OP why cant you just tell your friend how you really feel? Sometimes I don't understand these threads on MN. Tell her you were unhappy with how she left your house last time and if you agree to it again they have to pay for a professional cleaner to come in before they leave.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 06/09/2023 10:23

She knows she left the place a mess so what's the point of telling her? Does she think you have a cleaner? Even holidaying with good friends can throw up differences but I wouldn't fall out with a friend because of it. I'd chalk it up to experience.

Certain MN posters like to turn everything into a fight but you need to consider how good a friend she has been, how much you enjoyed the holiday in Spain.

You don't have to house swap with her again if you don't want to. Only you can judge how annoying or time-consuming or expensive it was to clean when you came home - and if it outweighed the fun you had on the holiday.

MsRosley · 06/09/2023 10:26

Alternatively, OP, do another swap, make no effort at all to clean after you leave her place, (and hire a cleaner to clean your home when she leaves). Sometimes the best response is a taste of their own medicine.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 06/09/2023 10:27

Her friend will probably send a cleaner into the flat in Spain. She probably didn't expect OP to clean it. It's a second home in a popular holiday destination - most people who have one will have a local cleaner on speed-dial.

runrabbit77 · 06/09/2023 10:31

One if the wildest things about friendships is when you visit their home. I have had friends and colleagues who you would never guess lived in such grot.
Tbh I think if the actual holiday was worth it I would let it slide, but I would leave written instructions on the fridge for things like bins and waste disposal. Put away the good toys,

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2023 10:35

Could you go PA?

Oh, I'm surprised you asked actually. We figured you'd struggled with the house given the condition it was in when we got back?

PollyThePixie · 06/09/2023 10:39

ShellySarah · 06/09/2023 10:06

And for what it’s worth I very much doubt the existence of the nanny, cook/housekeeper and chauffeur.

Why? I have British friends who live in Pakistan, they have all of that. Domestic staff are cheap. They don't want to come back to the UK as her husband would have to get the tube to work instead of being chauffer driven, my friend undressed and baths her baby and leaves his clothes and soiled nappy on the bathroom floor for the housekeeper to deal with.

When she came back to the UK for a holiday and stayed with her parents, she forgot and did the same. She was sternly ordered by her parents to clean that up and they weren't doing it.

It absolutely is a thing

I know it’s a thing. I’ve been employing staff to work in my home for decades. It’s why I’m able to comment specifically to the country mentioned as well as another one in the region. Chauffer? Nah. It’s a good story but the terminology isn’t correct and neither is an expat family being able to sponsor 3 domestic workers.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 06/09/2023 10:45

MeridianB · 05/09/2023 21:32

You’ve known her for many years and trust her enough to swap houses, so why wouldn’t you follow up on the terrible disrespect of your home and your family?

I’d be asking why they left broken toys and ruined furniture without saying anything!

And no, they wouldn’t be welcome back!

This!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/09/2023 12:04

Holdinguptherock · 06/09/2023 00:35

…’Absolutely let’s do it again next year - we had a fabulous time. Although, with you being so busy with the children while you were staying, you would need to arrange a cleaner as I see you didn’t have time to do it while you were here!’

I like this message as I think she would ask me about it and I could bring it up then.

With the best will in the world, OP, I doubt it'll help; someone this thoughtless is very likely to read the first sentence, think "Woo hoo!!" and ignore the rest

Also has it occurred to you that her "sensitivity to criticism" is really just a mechanism for avoiding what she'd rather not address?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/09/2023 12:28

There's also the point that even someone this uncaring will be aware of the damage done, and that if you're not firm but polite it'll go down as "something that didn't matter"

Anyone care to think how that could impact on any future visit ...?

CrackedChina · 06/09/2023 12:42

Dirt and food left for you to clean up is one thing, but damage like paint on a leather armchair is another. Surely it would cost you less to pay for a rental in Spain than repair the damage she could do to the house?

Codlingmoths · 06/09/2023 13:04

Cleaners don’t get paint off furntiure and fix /replace broken toys, expecting someone to have a cleaner does not explain this level of disregard for the ops house and things.

Ann444 · 06/09/2023 13:05

Yeah, I'd open the conversation with what happened?? Were you sick, rushed or stressed?? Because we're a little shocked with the state of our place? Friend or not, she sounds over entitled and lazy Glad you enjoyed your holiday, but I wouldn't let them stay at yours again.

KingsHeath53 · 06/09/2023 13:08

Assuming you want to stay friends with her, say yes that sounds lovely, however on reflection after house swaps you think it's a good idea to get a professional cleaner in because who doesn't love to come home to a sparking clean house, and would they be up for leaving cash and keys for the cleaner on their departure? If they live in Dubai I bet they'd be fine with this as you note it's totally normal over there to pay for cleaning services. They may have even assumed you would have a cleaner coming in to clean before you got back.

I don't want to defend them as it is naughty behaviour (I'll give them the benefit of the doubt as she's clearly your mate) but since having had cleaners in my place I've noticed I have also got much messier without realising.

KingsHeath53 · 06/09/2023 13:09

Cleaners don’t get paint off furntiure and fix /replace broken toys, expecting someone to have a cleaner does not explain this level of disregard for the ops house and things.

they do in Dubai.

maddy68 · 06/09/2023 13:18

I would say you were disappointed about the way it was left after them and after a long flight home the last thing you wanted to do was clean and tidy. So perhaps a house exchange isn't the right thing for your holiday.

CocoC · 06/09/2023 13:35

Holdinguptherock · 06/09/2023 00:40

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

I agree with this.

‘I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in Dubai’

Did she grow up like Paris Hilton? And does your house look like a castle? If she in her entire life never lifted a finger, or if your house looks like it has staff waiting in the wings to sort things out the minute she leaves, then that might be conceivable.
But if she had any kind of even vaguely upbringing herself, without staff on hand, she will know that wrecking other peoples toys and furniture is unacceptable. You don't just forget that because you become wealthy later in life. A lot of my friends are wealthy and have staff, including one who is the wife of a premiership footballer, with multiple staff - they would never behave like this - and if they did, they would know exactly what they are doing.

In all honesty, this shows that she doesn't respect you - she would not have done this to someone she respected.
And it is interesting you are pre-empting her excuse. Why not calmly have the conversation - say you think there must have been a misunderstanding, you were not expecting to come back to such a mess, that your child is upset because his toys have been broken (it's not even a money thing - there could be sentimental value to what has been ruined). And see what she says - does she blame her new lifestyle or not. But don't pre-empt it and give her the excuse to hide behind - see what she says for herself, you might be surprised.

Without being aggressive, I would be genuinely curious to see what she comes up with. But I would also not be so keen to maintain a 'friendship' where the other person has such blatant disregard for me.

CocoC · 06/09/2023 13:37

KingsHeath53 · 06/09/2023 13:09

Cleaners don’t get paint off furntiure and fix /replace broken toys, expecting someone to have a cleaner does not explain this level of disregard for the ops house and things.

they do in Dubai.

Only if it's doable, right? Some paint doesn't come off. A broken toy usually can't be repaired, and can't always be replaced so easily.
Unless the OP has somewhat exaggerated and we are talking about a small paint smudge and a broken piece of lego.

Spacemoon · 06/09/2023 13:40

If you've been friends with this person so long, surely you can be honest? If it were me, i'd be inclined to make a bit of a joke out of it, but whilst still being upfront and addressing it. Something along the lines of 'Yeah, sounds like a great idea, but only if you're bringing your hired help with you next time 🤣, but no in all seriousness, I would absolutely love to, but if next time you could both make sure our place is left pretty much as you found it, we'd really appreciate that'

If she's a good friend, she'll be a bit mortified and realise it's stressed you out, but hopefully value your friendship and see where she's gone wrong and you can all try again next year, if that's what you'd like. If she snaps back with a not so pleasant reply or denies all knowledge, then I'd be rethinking the friendship.

Delaire13 · 06/09/2023 13:42

Be honest and say no because they left things broken and dirty and you'd rather not have to come home to that

Padz · 06/09/2023 14:42

She may have been a supportive friend in the past but she certainly has no respect for you now!

tattygrl · 06/09/2023 14:52

Leaving your house a mess is one thing, but broken toys and paint splashed furniture?! That's horrendous! Were your DC upset that their toys were broken? I'm flabbergasted honestly and I wouldn't be thinking of a way to bring this up "indirectly", I'd be openly saying how upsetting it was to come back to that.

MinnieGirl · 06/09/2023 14:53

Holdinguptherock · 06/09/2023 00:40

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

I agree with this.

‘I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in Dubai’

She’s a skanky moo who is too bloody lazy to clean up food in her friends house.
I’m afraid I would see her in a new light….
But at the very least I would be telling her I was very disappointed in how she left my home and I would seriously have to think about next year.

howlismoving · 06/09/2023 15:11

Wow people are really over reacting on here! It sounds like a really great opportunity to have nice affordable holidays you just need to work out the agreement moving forward.

I'd just say to my friend that if we do it again you need to clean up after yourselves and make sure anything broken or damaged is replaced (explain what the problem was this time around) and that you agree to do the same. And then give them the benefit of the doubt that they would stick to the agreement - assuming they are happy with it!

user1477391263 · 06/09/2023 15:11

I have a friend in Dubai who previously toyed with the idea of staying out long-term and raising her young kids there, but is having second thoughts because she’s a bit worried about the effects of kids being raised in a sort of weird privileged “bubble” where domestic help is always bustling around doing all the objectionable stuff for you. Even if you do your best to make your own kids pick up, clean up and treat any staff with respect (or even if you make the decision not to employ large amounts of help), they will inevitably pick up these kinds of careless and entitled attitudes from their peers.

It makes me wonder what the upper classes (and even middle classes) must have been like in the UK, back in “the day” when all households that weren’t actually poor used to have at least one servant of kind. Those living during the Agatha Christie era when domestic labor was becoming much more scarce and expensive must have found it almost traumatic, and would have had to learn some cleaning-up skills pretty fast….