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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving our home in a mess

266 replies

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:27

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Greenberg2 · 06/09/2023 08:53

Do people really think it's okay to leave the cleaner with a complete tip to deal with? I don't. People should clear up after themselves at least, not leave broken stuff and things all over the place.

Wishimaywishimight · 06/09/2023 08:54

I think @MzHz suggested response is absolutely perfect. You really need to spell it out, this woman is your friend (supposedly).

BygoneDays · 06/09/2023 08:58

Yup, LTB.

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 09:00

Perfect message from @MzHzif you really want to do it again.

I would think🙄at the sensitivities of a person who could deliberately leave such a filthy mess behind for anyone.

They are dirty people.

I love my home and I wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in allowing my house to be used and disrespected like that.

Facing that upon return would really upset me🤷🏻‍♀️

ChateauMargaux · 06/09/2023 09:04

Is a week in a flat in Spain worth the cost of replacing toys, repairing / cleaning/ replacing the furniture with paint on and your time / annoyance at having to clean up after your friend..

And who knows what damage will be done next year if you say nothing this year.

silverbubbles · 06/09/2023 09:10

Don't do it again if you are not capable of being honest with your friend. You are setting yourself up for a fall.

Minfilia · 06/09/2023 09:12

Christ, we even leave air bnbs immaculate when we go - I couldn’t imagine being that disrespectful to a friend!

Absolutely they wouldn’t be staying again.

We have a holiday let, we do let people we know stay there for free but only if they pay the cleaning fee at the end. But nobody we know would be so disrespectful as to break our stuff and not say anything!

Frabbits · 06/09/2023 09:16

This person is not a friend if she doesn't have basic respect for your home.

Not a hope in hell you should do it again.

writingoutloud · 06/09/2023 09:18

If they're good friends then don't say anything on this occasion. If you home swap again, make sure you make it clear, even in writing (text email etc) that you expect the house tidied before they leave. If they do it again,the way I see it is if you're shitting everywhere in my home, your also shitting on our friendship. Just to add and I don't mean to be rude , but a lot expats who live in places like Dubai and Singapore are usually totally shit people to their "help" and there's a lot in the news about maid abuse. I'm not saying your friends are like that, but perhaps you got a glimpse of them in their every day lives and their more selfish (and unhygienic) side.

readbooksdrinktea · 06/09/2023 09:26

think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in dubai

Perhaps. Doesn't mean she should get a free pass on thrashing the house. You teach people how to treat you. If OP doesn't say anything, the next time will be the same or worse.

Proudgypsy · 06/09/2023 09:32

Why is everyone on Mumsnet scared to speak honestly to their friends? I couldn't have friendships like that in my life.

If I came home to what you did, I'd have told her at the time that it was a piss take. Then you wouldn't be in your current position because she knows the expectations before even asking again.

PollyThePixie · 06/09/2023 09:48

I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in Dubai

I really wish people wouldn’t refer to people as the hired help. It’s such a derogatory term.

And for what it’s worth I very much doubt the existence of the nanny, cook/housekeeper and chauffeur.

Erdinger · 06/09/2023 09:49

That’s up to you and how much you enjoy cleaning a mess after returning from a holiday really.

RampantIvy · 06/09/2023 09:51

Yet another thread on mumsnet where a CF gets away with awful behaviour because no-one dares call them out on it in case they throw a strop. These CFs know perfectly well that they can get away with such behaviour, and IMO they deliberately choose friends who they know won't stand up to them.

@Holdinguptherock you need to put your big girl pants on and say politely and firmly in a non confrontational way that a house swap doesn't work for you. And if she asks why you really need to tell her what kind of state your house was left in.

DrunkAtVogue · 06/09/2023 09:54

RampantIvy · 06/09/2023 09:51

Yet another thread on mumsnet where a CF gets away with awful behaviour because no-one dares call them out on it in case they throw a strop. These CFs know perfectly well that they can get away with such behaviour, and IMO they deliberately choose friends who they know won't stand up to them.

@Holdinguptherock you need to put your big girl pants on and say politely and firmly in a non confrontational way that a house swap doesn't work for you. And if she asks why you really need to tell her what kind of state your house was left in.

This is correct!

truthhurts23 · 06/09/2023 09:57

I would take photos of the mess and confront her , it’s not on what she did and why are you letting her disrespect you and your home, that’s not a real friendship

MsRosley · 06/09/2023 10:00

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:47

I don’t think she would take it very well. She is quite sensitive to any form of criticism in the past. Saying this she has been a supportive friend for many years and it would be a shame to fall out over this.
I think I will have to find a way of indirectly mentioning it. Maybe I could suggest THEY pay for a cleaner after they leave.
I could also cover all the chairs in plastic and hide all the toys.😀

Agree with this. 'We'd love to do it again, but we'd appreciate it if you could have the house cleaned after you leave.'

MsRosley · 06/09/2023 10:02

PollyThePixie · 06/09/2023 09:48

I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in Dubai

I really wish people wouldn’t refer to people as the hired help. It’s such a derogatory term.

And for what it’s worth I very much doubt the existence of the nanny, cook/housekeeper and chauffeur.

How on earth is 'hired help' a derogatory term?

Rhythmisadancer · 06/09/2023 10:02

why not suggest you both pay for a cleaner at the end of your respective stays - you can mention that it was a pain trying to clean her place before you left, and also that it's crap coming home to a mess. Much better if you both book a cleaner to whizz round at the end of your stay. Then you just pack and leave at the end of your Spanish holiday and don't waste the last day cleaning.

TotalOverhaul · 06/09/2023 10:05

If you want to keep the friendship, just say, no, it was lovely but we want to go somewhere else next year.

Interestingly, DS house shares with a lovely boy who grew up abraod with servants and seems incapable of lifting a finger toclean and tidy. Ds and the others are getting v pissed off. I pointe dout he might not know how! He bought dishwasher tablets for the washing machine the other day. he just have never been taught the basics and panics when asked to wash up or mop or hoover. I suggested they teach him three simple skills and make those his household jobs.

Stravaig · 06/09/2023 10:06

"No. You trashed our home. You didn't clean up, or reimburse damage, nor offer explanation or apology. Absolutely not."

ShellySarah · 06/09/2023 10:06

And for what it’s worth I very much doubt the existence of the nanny, cook/housekeeper and chauffeur.

Why? I have British friends who live in Pakistan, they have all of that. Domestic staff are cheap. They don't want to come back to the UK as her husband would have to get the tube to work instead of being chauffer driven, my friend undressed and baths her baby and leaves his clothes and soiled nappy on the bathroom floor for the housekeeper to deal with.

When she came back to the UK for a holiday and stayed with her parents, she forgot and did the same. She was sternly ordered by her parents to clean that up and they weren't doing it.

It absolutely is a thing

RampantIvy · 06/09/2023 10:08

Interestingly, DS house shares with a lovely boy who grew up abroad with servants and seems incapable of lifting a finger toclean and tidy

DD flat shared in her first year in halls with a student from a very wealthy family from overseas. He had no clue on how to do any life skills. The blood from his raw meat (which he stored sideways) dripped down over everyone else's food in the fridge.

InSpainTheRain · 06/09/2023 10:13

If you enjoyed the holiday then don't mention it but just hire a cleaner for her last day next time and ask her to do the same for you. Cheaper than holiday accommodation.

ShellySarah · 06/09/2023 10:14

DD flat shared in her first year in halls with a student from a very wealthy family from overseas. He had no clue on how to do any life skills. The blood from his raw meat (which he stored sideways) dripped down over everyone else's food in the fridge.

to be fair @RampantIvy I had UK born and raised students without servants in halls who did the same. Some are just daft.