Leaving our home in a mess

[Holdinguptherock]

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

https://www.bayt.com/en/uae/jobs/chauffeur-driver-jobs-in-dubai/. Google suggests that the term “Chauffeur” is used in Dubai and includes cases where someone is employed privately by a household (as to three domestic workers being employed in one family, I can’t comment on that).

I'd reply that you'd be happy to swap next year, on the condition that she brings her housekeeper with her.

And whilst I was there, I might leave a suitably stinky sandwich down the back of her sofa ;)

I wonder how she would react if you left her place in a mess?

I would be telling them exactly why they can't visit next year.

Do it again but leave an unflushed horror in the toilet.

Send her a bill.
If you want to doit again next year tell her she'll have to either pay a deposit (for cleaning & repairs) or engage - with evidence - professional cleaners before she leaves

I think you do need to say something if you are doing it again.

They broke your kids toys. Imagine how upset youd feel as a child to come home and find someone had broken your stuff. It's not about replacing it, it's aboutthe fact they should be able to leave their things in a safe space, which home should be, and come home to them as the left them.

On their behalf, it's really not ok to repeat this.

Agreed.

I can't imagine any other reaction besides shock, disbelief and anger.

She is one of those arseholes that use "sensitivity to criticism" as a way to shut down being challenged about appalling behaviour.

We would be livid at the disrespect.

A few years ago my friend felt a bit badgered by her inlaws on a family WhatsApp group to allow her niece and boyfriend, mid 20's, stay in her home whilst there were away as they had a wedding nearby.

They live in a great urban spot and have loaned the house to her sister on occasion, without incident.

She didn't feel good about it but her husband also made her feel she was being a bit unreasonable as it was just for two nights.

Well they had a "small gathering" the night after the wedding.

A barely token effort was made to clean up a real mess.
My friend just couldn't believe it.
Empties lined up, dirty glasses, take out food boxes, smell of stale food, her kitchen floor a sticky mess.
She burst out crying she was so upset to see her home so disrespected.
She video'd it and stuck it up on the family WhatsApp.

She got into the car and went to stay with her parents and told her husband HE had better sort it out.

The video caused ructions because it laid bare the mess that could not be disputed.

Her husband was very upset because my friend didn't return home for several days and she blamed him as he had told her she was unreasonable.

He also was furious as his drinks cabinet was fully obliterated.

Real CF stuff.

It was all put right, cleaned up, replaced etc., but relationships have never quite been the same.

No one whom has respect for themselves and for others would leave a mess like that for anyone to come home to.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.

Maybe a line about how lovely that would be but you found all the tidying etc a bit much after getting home from the holiday and maybe she felt the same (I know she wouldn't as you tidied, but this may help grease the conversation?).

Suggest maybe you both agree to what cleaning and tidying should be done before you leave? Alternatively, just agree to leave each other's house a mess - and then do so!

She probably thought you would have a cleaner come in before you got home. Probably has no idea you cleaned up her place as her cleaner had already been in when she got home. A clash of cultures maybe? I would give benefit of the doubt and know I don't need to worry too much about leaving a bit of mess at her place next time.

If it was just left messy/uncleaned I might consider it and say "sure I'd love to do it again but can we agree beforehand on the state of the house when we each leave. I don't want to have to clean up when I arrive home"

but the broken toys would make me not want to do it. I wouldn't want someone who would do that in my home.

Say hi and tell her why.

She is one of those arseholes that use "sensitivity to criticism" as a way to shut down being challenged about appalling behaviour.

That sums it up very well.

I don't want to have to clean up when I arrive home

No, you need to say "I don't want to have to clean up AGAIN when I arrive home @Pallisers

If I arrived home and a friend had left my house like that, my immediate response would be to send them a photo and say "I'm so upset that I now have to do a deep clean of my home after just arriving back from holiday."

I really can't understand any other reaction. It's akin to having your home vandalised at that level of mess! Broken belongings and damaged furniture! It's not simply not doing the washing up or leaving beds unmade. I'm really mind blown.

Hi Friend, in principle, I would love to do it again, we enjoyed Spain / would love to visit Dubai, etc. But oh my days, we need some kind of reciprocal house keeping agreement! Our house was a bit of a bomb site, what with the paint, stickers etc! I know what kids are like.., I hope ours didn’t inflict any mess in your place that I didn’t manage to intercept! Anyway, I’m sure we can sort all this out, and it is a good arrangement. Let me know what you think. Big Love x

No do not let her stay again. Make up an excuse. Your insurance doesn't cover visitors. Anything you like . But don't have her back.

100%

Good people don't behave like they did. They just don't.

And please tell me your husband didn't want you to not mention it while at the same time watching you sort out the mess that was left behind.

Why do people go out of their way to minimise things?

My friends are close enough that I could tell them they’ve taken the piss, especially if we were staying in each other’s houses. As in “mate, seriously, what the hell? Broken toys, stickers everywhere, and PAINT on my sofa? I can’t believe you thought it was ok to leave it like that!”

OP, if your friend isn’t close enough for you to call her or message her and juet be honest then she isn’t close enough to stay in your house for a week!

That is so disrespectful of your friend and family. I wouldn't have them to stay in your home again. I had self catering accomodation for years and some people seemed to think it was serviced accommodation. I had notices saying it had to be left in a clean condition but most had a late night out on last night and left early in the morning and no cleaning of the place.

I do agree with how you want to approach it, Op. But I can’t help feeling that this poster is 100% correct. In a way, she lords it over you, arranging your friendship so that you are afraid to speak up and she is free to do whatever she wants.

I have a friend in Dubai who previously toyed with the idea of staying out long-term and raising her young kids there, but is having second thoughts because she’s a bit worried about the effects of kids being raised in a sort of weird privileged “bubble” where domestic help is always bustling around doing all the objectionable stuff for you

The average expat would be hard pressed to have one staff member working for them at home legally let alone have enough to bustle around doing all the objectionable stuff for them

In reality most of them probably have someone come in a few hours a day to clean and perhaps babysit when needed with only the minority being able to or wanting to sponsor a full time staff member because of the costs and responsibilities involved. The majority would much rather prefer to employ someone illegally in order to keep costs down.

Any weird privileged bubble a child may live in would be one created by the parents and the child would live in that bubble regardless of where they were brought up because of the parents they have.

Here’s a wee rundown of what help most expat families have by way of help at home - a part time lady who will clean a couple of hours a day and maybe make a meal as well as perhaps babysit when needed.

A male employee referred to as the gardener who may work for a service company that has the contract to care for the gardens in villa compounds. Taking care of the garden means sweeping up a bit and watering the plants. He may also get something extra to come back later and wash the cars. That’s if he’s lucky as it’s one of the jobs undocumented workers do in order to survive.

A chauffer - that’s where the Op over-egged the pudding. In reality most expats use Uber when they don’t want to drive.

I think I would be honest with her. If she is that good a friend she will listen and respect what you are saying and your feelings - you can say in a diplomatic way. If she takes offence to it then frankly, she’s not much of a friend…

She probably thought you would have a cleaner come in before you got home.

This was my thought too. But it doesn’t explain the broken toys. That’s awful - as there’s a real chance that a child is really upset. So she either didn’t care about that, or didn’t notice/know they’d been broken (and so isn’t supervising her kids well enough in your home). Either way it doesn’t lend itself to a repeat experience.

I would be very blunt and say exactly why you won't be swapping homes again.

Does your friend have some sort of memory loss? Surely a few years in Dubai haven't erased her manners or memories of life before cleaners and house keepers?

If she valued you and your family she would have respected your home. There is zero excuse for damaged furniture and broken toys. That isn't forgetting to put the bin out before you go or to wipe the table, that is destruction that's happened well before they were leaving in a rush for the airport. They let their kids damage your home, didn't tell you, didn't apologise and didn't offer to fix it. Sensitive my arse. She just doesn't want calling out on being a CFer.

I would swiftly back away from the friendship and put my home on a house swap website and look forward to going somewhere else next year.

I'd say no, and tell her why.

We have done a number of houseswaps with total strangers, and a couple with friends, and always treated their houses with respect. Our house was always clean and tidy when we got back, too (apart from one couple, who left our house so-so, though not sticky and broken - and their own house was also so-so).