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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving our home in a mess

266 replies

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:27

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

OP posts:
HRTadvicepls · 06/09/2023 07:28

If you don't bring it up then you need to accept being a doormat for the rest of your days.

MeridianB · 06/09/2023 07:37

It sounds like you've already decided to do it again. But even if you're fine with the mess in return for the swap, please consider how this woman has behaved.

As we say so often on here - she has shown you who she is. She is someone who views/treats your home as a space as impersonal as a hotel or AirBnB and you as just one of many cleaning up after her. Not nice.

TimeForHygge · 06/09/2023 07:38

Expat kids can also massively lack discipline and be very spoilt due to the lavish lifestyle they lead, and the domestic help they get. I’d be fuming at the broken toys and paint on furniture.

I remember once, when I was an expat, inviting over a child for a play date, and they just went round smashing everything of my sons. His mum sat there and said “oh don’t worry, if he breaks them I’ll buy new ones”.

Expat brats are the worst.

femfemlicious · 06/09/2023 07:43

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:50

Yes I’m kind of thinking that too. Can’t help feeling like I’m ‘selling out’ a bit though.

If you don't hash it out and swap again, they are going to make even more mess next time because they will think its ik

Georgie743 · 06/09/2023 07:51

This is someone you trust to be in your home (furnished, with all your belongings) but you're not able to have a conversation about this? I find this really weird.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/09/2023 07:52

What would I do? I’d tell her exactly what she did, how much it upset me and how no, I wouldn’t be prepared to do it again.

theleafandnotthetree · 06/09/2023 07:55

Pip1402 · 05/09/2023 23:05

I do agree with pp that this is terrible behaviour. Trying to play devils advocate though - does she know you don't have a cleaner/staff if that's what she's used to? Could it be that she assumed you'd have somebody coming round to sort it out for you anyway? Clutches at straws

It would also be a terrible state to leave the house for a cleaner....and doesn't explain the broken toys, that's pretty unforgiveable.

supersop60 · 06/09/2023 07:59

You do need to have a conversation about this. Your friend disrespected your home, and therefore you as well.
Unacceptable.

ButterCrackers · 06/09/2023 07:59

Tell them that they left your house in such a dirty mess and with damaged and broken items. Explain the costs and time to put it to rights. Say that you left their place clean. Tell them that next time they can pay for a hotel as they have no respect for your place. It’s not a friendship. No one would trash your place if they respected you.

ShellySarah · 06/09/2023 08:01

It doesn't sound like much of a friendship given they don't live in the UK and their home away from Dubai is a flat in Spain. They don't live in the UK anymore and needed your house to show the kids the sights.

You don't see each other much then due to distance.

Why so afraid to say anything? Id send a bill for the broken toys and cleaning.

This is a friend you can do without

Elderflower14 · 06/09/2023 08:02

Not a hope in hell would I let her stay in my property again!!
Tell her why and all the things which were left broken or damaged...!!

Maltaw · 06/09/2023 08:15

@Unexpectedlysinglemum
I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in dubai

We lived abroad and had hired help when our kids grew up and I think it made them more considerate of others and more tidy.

It's one thing to leave a mess for your Mum to clear up but my kids knew how disrespectful and obnoxious it would be to leave a mess for a hard working employee to clear up.

A lot of their friends were the same and a few were not and were spoilt. My guess is it's the same in households without any help.

Some cultures seem worse than others but it's hard to tell how true that is.

NonMiDispiace · 06/09/2023 08:16

….she’s sensitive…..? Bugger that!
I bet she’s got away with things all her life because nobody has ever confronted her.
I’d say no way and tell her why. She’s not a good friend Ffs!

Mycatisthebestever · 06/09/2023 08:24

I wouldn't be so desperate for a week in a flat in Spain to let other people live in my house!

Handlecarefully · 06/09/2023 08:25

You ask what would we do.
Well, I would not be making excuses for a disrespectful 'friend'. They damaged furniture and left food on the table and floor. They also left toys broken without replacing them, in fact they left the damage displayed around the place because they couldn't even be bothered to pick them up.
This is not a friend, regardless of what exotic places they have for future holiday swaps.
I know what I'd do, having been in a similar situation in the past. I'd have sent photos and a very curt email.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/09/2023 08:29

My honest advice would be for you to lay your cards on the table here. If she or her DH get offended by it, you can easily counter than offence by being offended yourself.
Why weren't you offended that someone you thought of as a friend, left your home and belongings in such a terrible state when you left their place really tidy when you left?
Be outraged and offended yourself.

If they are offended, let them be. Their offence doesn't trump yours. You're saying what you came home to. That's not something you imagined. It was real. It took the shine off the holiday you had when you came home to such mess. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "You left my home in a terrible mess. Whether you meant to or not, you did so I'm not rushing to open the door to you again". Do they know that you don't have a cleaner? Do they use a cleaner when they are in their home?

Thelonelygiraffe · 06/09/2023 08:30

Blimey, op! Why haven't you told her how upset you were that they left your house on as hot state?

Having help in Dubai is no excuse. Presumably she hasn't always had servants?

And her being sensitive to criticism is a way of shutting down any criticism towards her, even justified criticism. It's not a healthy dynamic.

I'd tell her how upset you were about the state of your house, point out how clean you left her house, and say you don't want to swap again. Or she can pay for a cleaner at the end of her stay.

rookiemere · 06/09/2023 08:34

I'd just say something like " Oh we realised that having people in our house isn't for us." to close down the suggestion of doing it again.

They clearly have no shame, so there's little point in raking it up. If she doesn't take the huge hint, then it's time for home truths "DCs were upset that their toys were broken and it has been impossible to remove the paint from our leather sofa. Therefore we realise that having people in our house isn't for us. "

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/09/2023 08:40

I'm betting that this 'sensitive' friend is only sensitive to her own feelings, not anyone else's; otherwise she'd have looked around the place and realised how massively disrespectful she and her family had been of the property and done something about it.

Silverballet · 06/09/2023 08:43

I'd say "Yes, that would be great, except we'd need to agree that you'll clean up the house properly this time when you leave as there was quite a lot of mess for us to sort out!"

If she's a good and old friend, and you enjoyed your week in Spain, I would give it another chance. But I would make the point of your expectations going forwards. I wouldn't itemise all the mess in the first message but if she said "I don't know what you mean" etc then I would spell it out.

If she ever did it again, it would obviously be a "No" to a house swap after that.
It could have been they were running late, but then at the least you'd say "So sorry about the mess - we ran so late I didn't have time to deal with it all". She hasn't acknowledged it which means she a) isn't aware of it or b) is aware of it but doesn't care what you think of that at all.

jlpth · 06/09/2023 08:48

I'd cut her off for this. Appalling behaviour.

BeverleyMacker · 06/09/2023 08:49

Why are you pussyfooting around her? I don't get it. She's disrespectful to your home. You need to tell her.

MzHz · 06/09/2023 08:50

Holdinguptherock · 06/09/2023 00:35

…’Absolutely let’s do it again next year - we had a fabulous time. Although, with you being so busy with the children while you were staying, you would need to arrange a cleaner as I see you didn’t have time to do it while you were here!’

I like this message as I think she would ask me about it and I could bring it up then.

No way you should send this message if you’re saying she’s sensitive to any form of criticism!

send the message @Whataretheodds suggested:

“We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

it gets all the points across, with a nod at sensitivity, but very clear and matter of fact/firm.

Dweetfidilove · 06/09/2023 08:52

Agree. The friend probably knew she could get away with this foolishness, because OP is so mindful of her being sensitive 😒

Wishimaywishimight · 06/09/2023 08:53

I would have sent her a photo of the damage straight afterwards along with a "?" and awaited (hopefully) a very sincere apology and offer to pay for a professional clean up.

If you go ahead with this again without saying a word you will of course come back to the same mess. Why would you do this? Door-matty behaviour is not being kind or sensitive, it is just saying "you've walked over me before, why not do it again."