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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving our home in a mess

266 replies

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:27

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

OP posts:
LittleMG · 06/09/2023 02:44

I love all the answers saying get a cleaner, does no one just do it themselves anymore? 😂

Codlingmoths · 06/09/2023 02:54

I must say I would not regard it as my
problem that she doesn’t react well to criticism. She’s bringing up entitled little monsters too so I would have to say something.
I don’t think so. I was pretty upset by how our house was left. How do you think we are supposed to get the paint off our furniture and explain to our children that yours just broke their toys and left them lying on the floor? I couldn’t do that to the children or myself again.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/09/2023 02:58

And as for her not taking criticism well....who does? None of us like being called out on things we have done. But the fact that she reacts badly against the person giving the criticism, rather than using it for self relflection as most people would do, isnt your problem @Holdinguptherock It doesnt mean that the criticism shouldnt be given. She doesnt want to hear it, well as I said, who does? And if she cuts you off and ends the friendship over it, well it wasnt that much of a friendship if it was always entirely dependent her doing what she wants and you never ever calling her out on it.

I find it very interesting that there a lot of people who say that they dont want to end a long standing friendship over an issue where the other person has treated them badly. Dont you see that it wouldnt be you ending the friendship over her bad behaviour, but her ending it over refusing to acknowledge her bad behaviour and making it your fault for pointing out said behaviour to her when she doesnt like, and cant deal with, the negative feelings it endgenders within her.

You sound happy, well grounded, confident.....why are you so seemingly helpless in the face of tantrums from a grown woman?

ClaraBourne · 06/09/2023 03:02

Not used to criticism?

She had better start as she deserves it.

Ask yourself who she expected to pick up her shit? Your family, that's who.

Not only did she leave mess, she wrecked toys and furniture. Utter disrespect.

You take this and say nothing she'll see it as permission to carry on.

Doesn't matter what kind friend she has been. Gratitude does not warrant servitude.

em3392 · 06/09/2023 03:30

What she did is plain rude. Even if I'm staying in a Travelodge I don't leave it in a state, always make the bed, fold towels, bag up my rubbish. Some people just live like tramps.

PollyThePixie · 06/09/2023 03:46

(they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur)

Are you sure they have the above and it’s not just pie in the sky talk? I’m very familiar with the way of life and the above isn’t adding up. Even the language used. Then there’s the house swapping.

AussieManque · 06/09/2023 03:59

If you swap houses again, leave instructions for your friend about how to leave the house before departure (empty bins, run dishwasher, strip bed etc), just like in a holiday let.

Hopefully she'll also feel bad seeing how neat her apartment has been left compared to how she left your place.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2023 04:34

An apartment in Spain and a house in London doesn’t sound like a fair swap. No I wouldn’t do it again. I’d rather rent somewhere than risk more damage to my property. i think you should bite the bullet and explain. Your children must have been upset to see their toys broken. That was the worse in a way, not caring about your dcs feelings., so rude.

Breakingpoint1961 · 06/09/2023 05:05

A flat in Spain, a place in Dubai with hired help, and they want to 'borrow' your place for a week??? JFC sounds like they've got enough money to rent somewhere!!!

I'd just say "haven't decided what we are doing next year yet"

I don't personally think it's worth falling out over, like you say, they've gotten out of the habit of clearing up after themselves. That said, your friend sounds a bit of a nightmare to be honest Confused..

Glittertwins · 06/09/2023 05:37

Our cleaner cleans the house, not picks up left over food, removes paint and broken toys. We leave things clear so she can do her job.
Even if the friend paid more for a cleaner to tidy up, the paint on furnishings, stickers on chairs and broken toys is outside that remit and I wouldn't be able to relax on holiday for wondering what state the house was left in now that it's already happened before.

terraced · 06/09/2023 06:25

Whataretheodds · 05/09/2023 21:38

"We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

This. A good way to word it.

user1492757084 · 06/09/2023 06:42

Realistically, they don't clean. They have a cleaner etc.

You wouldn't want them to clean your place.

If there is a next time, put away (under lock) anything precious and be prepared to pay for a cleaner and ask them to (or not to) pay for it or clean your self. Asking them to pay for a cleaner is also when you could add that the place was left not at all like they had found it.

Did you have to pay their cleaner while you were there?

littleblackcat27 · 06/09/2023 06:47

[off topic] But what sort of paint was left on the leather furniture??
Confused Did you manage to get it off? Eeeek

Epidote · 06/09/2023 06:51

Tell her you are going somewhere else next year.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 06/09/2023 06:57

Holdinguptherock · 05/09/2023 21:47

I don’t think she would take it very well. She is quite sensitive to any form of criticism in the past. Saying this she has been a supportive friend for many years and it would be a shame to fall out over this.
I think I will have to find a way of indirectly mentioning it. Maybe I could suggest THEY pay for a cleaner after they leave.
I could also cover all the chairs in plastic and hide all the toys.😀

Who cares if she doesn't take criticism well, she completely disrespected you and your home.

If you do want to house swap again tell her she'll need to pay to get it cleaned as she left it in such a mess last time. If you don't want to, tell her why.

JustAnotherUsey · 06/09/2023 06:59

I don't think you should leave it and not say anything. You need to tell her. Something along the lines of

"We really enjoyed the time in Spain but we were upset when arriving home to see the state of our house. There was a lot of mess as well as damage to some furniture and broken toys. Don't mean to cause upset, but feel I needed to say something. I am not sure I would want to repeat this next year if this is going to happen again. If we do agree, can I ask that you please make sure that no damage is done and that the place is cleaned"

Maybe too direct, but I find it hard to believe you friend could stay in your house and not notice the message and damage left. They need it to be explained to them.

Womencanlift · 06/09/2023 07:05

Holdinguptherock · 06/09/2023 00:35

…’Absolutely let’s do it again next year - we had a fabulous time. Although, with you being so busy with the children while you were staying, you would need to arrange a cleaner as I see you didn’t have time to do it while you were here!’

I like this message as I think she would ask me about it and I could bring it up then.

This is far too passive. I know it’s a friend but you really need to stick up for your own property and the fact you had to tidy up her family’s mess

I would go with @Whataretheodds suggestion. It’s fair but much more to the point

HAF1119 · 06/09/2023 07:06

Personally I would just say 'it doesn't really work for us we had a lot of work to get the house back to how it was when we returned and toys were broken'

Sorry but surely they should be told and have to think about it, be sensitive all they like but they treated your home without respect

If however the flat in Spain and nice time was worth the hassle cleaning up once home or worth the price of a cleaner to spruce it then by all means do it again

DarkForces · 06/09/2023 07:13

Stop making excuses for her. Honestly, it wasn't a bit of dirt, she abused your home. Having a team of staff doesn't make it ok to treat friends like 'the help'. I bet she doesn't break her stuff or paint on her sofa. I'd be declining any future visits and bin her off.

Ladybug14 · 06/09/2023 07:19

Shes not a good friend, though, is she?

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 06/09/2023 07:20

Okay, you are over thinking this. Treat them like a bad airBnb guest. You openned your house to them, they thrashed if, they are not welcome back.

You don’t need to give any explanations, just say the dates don’t work for you every time they ask.

You may try to fool yourself thinking that spending a week at her lovely flat in Spain and saving the friendship is a good reason to let them use your house again but I am sure you won’t enjoy another exchange with them if you spend the holiday worrying about what you will find damaged, broken or and messy at your return.

MikeRafone · 06/09/2023 07:22

Say, Im hesitant to swap again as you left the place in such a mess, if we swap homes again its on the condition you either clean the place up after yourselves or leave £100 too I can get a cleaner in.

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 06/09/2023 07:27

Holdinguptherock · 06/09/2023 00:40

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

I agree with this.

‘I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in Dubai’

I don’t agree with that at all. We grew up with living in hired help and as many other families we were taught to be respectful to the cleaner. You know all those jokes about tidying up and cleaning before the cleaner comes? They are true.

People who treat their surroundings and helpers with disrespect are shit ignorant disrespectful entitled people all around the world. No need to pretend otherwise.

WaltzingWaters · 06/09/2023 07:27

Whataretheodds · 05/09/2023 21:38

"We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

This. Maybe suggest they arrange a cleaner to come in at the end of their stay if you were comfortable with that and want another week in their place in Spain.

But yeah, I’d be furious about the disrespect they have for your place. I worked for people who had people to do everything for them, they’d probably leave it in the same condition because they’re just “too good” to do that type of thing themselves 🙄, but I think they would have arranged for someone to come clean it for them.

Totaly · 06/09/2023 07:28

*But. You get free accommodation in Spain or Dubai in return for it.^

Friend also gets free accommodation in return.

The cost of London is seriously expensive.

It also cost OP time - to clean again, and cost of replacing toys - these aren’t part of the deal.

She sees you as the hired help!

I would have said something.

Hey! What happened to all the toys? Billy and Bob are upset they’ve been broken, and we now have to fork out to replace them all,
and who put ink on my chairs?

The holiday and your home are separate issues.

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