Leaving our home in a mess

[Holdinguptherock]

I have a good friend who I have known
since childhood.
She is british married to a Spanish man. They currently live in Dubai due to her husband’s job, but keep their flat in Spain. They have two sons aged 9 and 7.

They wanted to spend week in London this summer visiting friends & family and showing the children the sights. So, we agreed to exchange our house in London for their flat in Spain.
We had a lovely time there, especially as their flat is close to the sea.

When we left we swept and tidied the flat, stripped the beds and emptied the bins.
Our house on the other had was left in a complete mess, food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys (which were on the floor).
I was quite shocked as my friend didn’t apologise (or even attempt to make any excuse about leaving in a hurry and not having time to clean up).

I realise that they have a lot of help in Dubai, (they have a nanny, a housekeeper/cook and chauffeur),
and may not be used to cleaning up after themselves or managing their kids, but I would have thought they would make an effort in someone else’s home.

She has asked to do it again next year and I am now unsure about what to do.
I feel I should say something. My OH says we should just leave it and remember the lovely holiday.
What would you do?

The cleaners will sort it out so the friend will have no idea

I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in dubai

This really is perfect and if she gets the arse about it she’s an inconsiderate twit.

"You want to swap again? Sorry - we haven't finished cleaning and tidying our house after the last time you came and trashed it."

I wouldn’t do it again. And I would have to mention the mess, honestly. There’s really no excuse. Obvs they know it’s your home??

I have successfully swapped our tropical holiday home with others (strangers) from around the world, and never have I (or them) ever left the homes in such disarray.

I’m sorry you came home to that mess. I’d be so put out by that… it’s totally disrespectful.

It's disrespectful to you and your family and you should definitely say something.

However, did your Dh help with the clean up operation or leave it all to you? If he's that unbothered about the mess, I would suggest that you would be only too happy to do it again if he does the entire clean up next time (While you enjoy a Spa or similar)

Whataretheodds

"We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

Another commendation for Whataretheodds - a beautifully balanced reply.

Oh and don't let CF off the hook just because they are sensitive to a little bit of appropriate feedback. She knows the state she left your home in and if you agree to swap again, she'll leave the mess again and that's totally disrespectful - sensitive, CF or long term close friend

Whataretheodds · Yesterday 21:38

"We had a lovely time in Spain and I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. This is a little awkward, but coming home really took the shine off the trip for me. When we got home we found food on the table and floor, stickers on the wooden chairs, paint on the leather armchair and broken toys. I was disappointed and hurt. I couldn't sign up for another exchange if I thought there was a chance of that happening again."

just send this…

Yes, this.

I think you need to say what Whataretheodds suggested.
If you hide behind the cleaner, it is cowardly - and she might suggest you also pay for the cleaner for her house.
Also - this time it was toys and chairs - next time it will be something else. You can't just cover the chairs in plastic and hope it will be OK, she needs to be aware of the need to be careful!
The sensitive thing - that's just too easy. She also needs to be sensitive to you!

I know a few people who have lived and worked in places like Dubai ( and visited them while there) and based on my admittedly small sample, many get too used to the expat lifestyle (I.e. having lots of “help” on slave labour wages) and seem to lose ability to normal tasks like cleaning up after themselves!

Not with the hassle. Just sign up to a house swap website and swap with someone with good reviews.

…’Absolutely let’s do it again next year - we had a fabulous time. Although, with you being so busy with the children while you were staying, you would need to arrange a cleaner as I see you didn’t have time to do it while you were here!’

I like this message as I think she would ask me about it and I could bring it up then.

Thanks for the link @GrumpyPanda

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

I agree with this.

‘I think it's less about being a friend and more about this friend just being dirty and messy and her kids also being brought up like that due to the hired help in Dubai’

That's disappointing. I'd still do it again next year because it sounds as though you had a nice time in Spain at their place. You could suggest that they hire and pay for a cleaner for their stay.

This ^^

When @Holdinguptherock mentioned her husband's response those were my immediate thoughts as well!

She did say "we" when she said about cleaning the flat before they left, but "we" can be used on occassions when it should really be "I", for all sorts of reasons. But if they truly shared the cleaning in Spain then I hope that they at least shared it equally on their return.

However, like you suggested @Jadebanditchillipepper, if her husband doesn't want the OP to bring it up to her friend then he must say that he will do all of the cleaning, tidying, replacing broken toys, and repairing any disrespect to their furniture.

But to be honest, if I was in a similar situation, and even if my husband agreed to take on all of the aftercare when we got home, I wouldn't be able to relax whilst on my holiday - whether it was in Spain or Dubai - because I would be worried about what was happening in my home while I was away.

Our homes are more than just bricks and mortar, our belongings are more than just items of furniture, our personal things (which include the children's toys) are not just as they were when bought in a shop, so no, I couldn't repeat the experience again, because even if my "friend" agreed to any conditions I set, I would still know that my place might be trashed again and that she would just hire a cleaner at the end of their stay.

I cannot believe how passive people are

This woman wrecked your house????

She's not bothered about upsetting you, is she????

@Holdinguptherock, I think I made my feelings about you doing the swap again clear in my response to a pp. However, I do have a couple of things I am still wondering about, but at the end of the day, whatever your gut reaction is to your friend's behaviour, and to any suggestions made by us posters, I believe that you should listen to it, even if it doesn't seem like common sense!

I do wonder if your friend even knows in what state you left her property in Spain, because she probably had a cleaner arranged for as soon as you vacated the property, and the cleaner might not have told her that you left it so clean and tidy that s/he, the cleaner, didn't actually need to do anything.

Even if your friend knows that you don't usually have a cleaner, she might have assumed you would do so in this instance. However in my opinion, even if she does think that, it doesn't change the fact that she still treated your home and your and your family's belongings, absolutely terribly, which is so disrespectful to all of you!

I expect that not many cleaner's will try and clean the paint off the chair without you specifically requesting that (hopefully it was childrens washable paint), or be able to mend the toys, so I just don't see how another swap with them would work. I wonder if your husband thinks about the emotional side to this, or just the practical. Good luck in making the right decision for you and your family OP 🌻

"I am sorry but as much as we loved our stay in Spain, it was temepered by our return. I am afraid that the mess, broken toys and damaged furniture means that we can't consider a swap like this again."

As a pp said, she didnt give a thought as to whether you would be upset about how she had treated your home, why would you worry about her reaction to being told about it.

She doesnt react well to criticism? Well there is one solution to that......dont do things that will invite it!

The OP will say she doesn’t like confrontation.

Yeah, well, hardly anyone does. But being an adult means you do sometimes have to have awkward conversations.

Agree with the poster above , OP put your big girl adult panties on and tell your friend like wut?

Agreed, and signing up to arrangements like this has the small print that you may have to confront an awkward situation if it doesnt work out!

She doesn't have to worry about confrontation when the other party is in Dubai.

There doesn't have to be an awkward conversation, just a polite but firm email or text.

How is that honest? OP mentioned nothing about paying for cleaning.